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11:00 PM
That was the time the clock read on Kana's phone. She sighed before quickly turning it off and keeping into the pocket of her sweater.
Because it was The Night before the new years, Miyako had made the absolute wonderful decision of having a 'New years party' for the entirety of Strawberry productions, claiming they could stay up all night long to watch the pretty fireworks that goes off during this time of the year.
And to her suprise, the kept the claim, though barely. One sleepy Mem had decided to fall asleep during monopoly, and fell straight into the board, somehow making the room more rage-filled than it already was. She shudders as she remembers the game. Even she herself didn't know she could have so many insults stored in her prefrontal cortex for each and every single one of them.
Still, they had their fun with other, non-board related games and drinks— for the adults only [if you could exclude the fact she convinced Taiki to give her just a single sip of whatever drink he was having;it was beer, and it was terrible] and alot of food. [She could barely remember how Ruby could almost eat an entire chicken on her own, nor did she want to]
At the end of it all, they decided to go to a near by bridge to get a better view of the fireworks. She could clearly remember the hesitance on Akane's face before she finally gave in to the relentless begging of both Ruby and Mem.– Unfortunately Arima Kana was not like her, however.
"Why not? Its fun!!" Ruby cried, clinging onto her sleeves as if she was a child, inspite of her taller height.
"If you go with us, we'll buy you that weird insect plush you always wanted!" Mem insisted, clasping her hands together as if praying to the gods for her to come with them. It was sort of flattering in a way.
"I said no, and thats that." Kana replied, sighing at the sight of the two. "Also its called an isopod, and i already have like twelve of those already."
" B-But–!" Ruby starts again, only to be met with daggers as Kana glared at them both.
"Just let her go, you've asked about 34 times." Aqua steps in, forcefully trying to drag. "The others are in the car already, at this rate they'll leave without any of us." He sighs.
"Like that matters!" Ruby scoffs "Friendship lasts no matter where we– Mem?" They all stare as the demon girl runs out the doors, Kana trying to stifle a laugh as Ruby stares dumbfounded.
"See? Be more like Mem." Aqua says, with just the tiniest bit of sarcasm in his voice.
"Y-You jerks!" She curses at Mem as her brother grabs her wrist.
"You'll be fine, right, Arima?" He asks her. "You can still come with, theres still room in the car."
"Of course I'll be fine! Do you guys not trust me with your house after I've been staying over here like, ninety percent of the time?" Kana brushes his concern off.
"More so, actually." He replies bluntly. " Atleast if one of the Ramen packets disappear tonight, I'll know who it was."
" I keep telling you, its not me! " Ruby pouts. "But, i guess... If you really dont wanna come, i cant help you. " She sighs softly
" Thats the spirit!" The red girl replies, patting her on the back.
That whole exchange took about an hour ago, with ruby reluctantly being shoved into the car as if she was being taken hostage.
"i just can't handle the noise and the crowds!" Kana said in response to why she wouldn't come, and although half of the reason–she couldn't possibly handle the noise of screams and joyful cheering overwhelming the sound of the already loud fireworks– It wasnt the only reason.
Kana didn't come from the 'best' household, she could admit that atleast; because of that, she ended up getting far too attached to everyone in strawberry productions. From the assistants who she barely knew to her friends who she worked with. It felt like the closest to family she had in long, long time.
But she felt guilty.
To her, it seemed like she was barging into a family that was perfectly fine until she came in. Even now, she could still remember the utter hatred she had for Ruby, for Akane, for Aqua. If she felt they were her friends, then why did she feel so angry at them?
"You're the only one who sees this as a friendship!" She cried, snapping at the younger blonde infront of her. "It would be better if you just disappeared!"
She thought she was lying at the time, she partly was, but Arima Kana was the incarnation of envy towards everyone. If the acting industry truly took skill to succeed, she would have been successful her entire life, wouldn't she?
Yet she didn't. She grew too arrogant, too full of pride. Because of that, everyone left . Her managers, her father, her own mother. So she thought that maybe if she changed, if she were better, that people would come flocking back to her, just as they used to when she was far to young to even understand what numbers were.
She tried her damn well hardest to change. To be better, to be the person her mother wanted her to be, the person her managers wanted her to be. To be more kind, to be more accepting, to dull down her acting, to be easier. But that didn't do much, either. She was still alone. She had the skills, she had the personality, or was her being sharp tongued too much? Was she just supposed to be one flavour of kind and sweet like she'd seen her peers be?
She sighed, picking her self up from the couch. It was her fault for wanting to be left alone. She didn't even know why they invited her. This would be her last year working at strawberry productions, sure, but she's practically left already. Her being an idol was what she was—or is— most known for, but she quit that a few months ago. So why was she invited?
She pulled out her phone and checked the clock again.
11:25 PM
Oh dear. She was stuck inside of her brain for a whole 25 minutes? She had only, like, 45 minutes before she could witness the fireworks. A long time, really, but she'd definitely rather stare at the dark of Tokyos night sky—which barely had any stars, considering how bright the city lights were— than be stuck inside her self depreciating brain for a quarter of an hour. She took a quick look at her surroundings, the messy room, strewn about with cups, and a variety of empty snack packaging.
Then she spotted a singular pack of cigarettes. Looking closer at it, it was definitely Gotandas, with the same anti-smoking packaging on the front as when she was 7.
"But the package says its bad!" Exclaimed a young Arima Kana, showing the ciggerate box to the older man. "So why do you eat it?"
"Listen kid," he sighed " it's an 'adult only' thing, don't worry your little head off." He said, trying to remove the packaging from her tiny hands, with little success as she held onto it tighter than she has to almost anything at the time.
" But its bad! And I'm pretty adult myself too!" She repeats.
Gotanda rubbed his brows before finally landing on an answer that would probably satisfy her.
"Do you listen when your mama tells you to not eat the weird candy thats been on the counter too long, because its for someone else?" He asks her, to which her eyes widen.
"Huh, o-of course i do!" She stutters.
"That was my piece of candy, you little rascal!" He asserts loudly, though his voice more joking than angry. He noogies the top of her head. "So just like how you don't listen to your mama to break the rules, i dont listen to the flimsy packaging of this box, got it?"
"B-but.!" She pouts, before eventually giving in and giving back the box to him. "Fine! Just don't tell mama about the candy, okay?"
She giggles at the sudden memory. The old man still uses the same brand, huh?
Why are these things so popular anyways? Smoking, when she was younger seemed so cool and badass or as a simple relaxation techniques in the movies which she both starred in and watched, but as she got older she realized the concept of inhaling fumes into her lungs to relax didn't exactly seem healthy.
But her curiosity got the best of her, picking up a lone cancer stick from the box as well as the lighter next to it and shoving it into the pockets in her sweater. It'd just be a one time thing, she promised to herself, just to test out how these things were exactly so 'calming' or 'soothing'.
Throwing her chip bag into the barely used dust bin — she'd definitely have to make it up to Ruby for stealing it— she walked up to the balcony, opening the glass door.
Oh shit, she completely forgot just how cold December winds are. Far colder than usual, surprisingly. For all of Japan's burning hot summers, its winters were shockingly cold. If she wasn't wearing a sweater right now, she'd definitely start sneezing all over the place.
She leaned over the balcony railings, feeling how cold it was even through the thick of her woolen sweater, and stared down at the overtly bright metropolis beneath her. It was so strange how a simple city could overpower the millions of burning, glimmering balls of fire scattered in space, then again, the city was closer, with a ton of lights bunched close together while the stars wete further apart, drifted away from each other.
It was metaphorical in a way, how a bunch of little lights, when put together, are stronger than bigger lights pushed far away from eachother.
And then she proceeds to get second hand embarrassment from the thought. Yuck, when did she become so poetic? Who is she, Natsume Sosēki? She shakes off the random thought, before digging into her pouch to pull out the cigar as well as the dark blue lighter.
Which end was she supposed to light again?
Oh god, did she seriously not even know how to light a cigarette? Where was she even going with this? It was the white side, right? That was how it was shown in the movies if she remembers correctly.
Saying a quiet prayer—ironic, she knows– she pressed the brown side to her lips, before rolling the lighters sparkwheel and lighting the tip.
Its lit! Shes not entirely stupid, thankfully. She tries to inhale the fumes released by the stick through her , only for her to feel like its stuck in her throat and begin to cough violently. Definitely not calming or relaxing.
Then she hears the glass door slide open once more and her heart nearly stops.
"I wasn't doing anything, this is just a candy stick, i promise!" She yells in between her coughing fit, not even taking a moment to look behind her to see who it was.
"I didn't know you were a smoker, Arima." The person replies, and it clicks into her brain who the monotone, plain, voice belonged to.
"Aqua?!" She, yet again, shrieks as feels like she wheezes the final bit of smoke from her lungs. "Its just a one time thing!"
"Sure, i believe you." He replied, though he did not, infact, believe her, and it was clearer than glass by his tone. "I Just hope the next time i see you, it doesn't become a 'two time thing'"
"It won't!"
" Oh, and by the way, you're supposed to breathe it in through your nose, not your mouth." He asserts, to which she immediately narrows her eyes in suspicion.
" Seems like you're experienced. You know the legal age to smoke in Japan is twenty, right? " Kana indicates, sneering at him.
"And you're nineteen" He slyly retorts.
She grumbles, throwing the ciggerate to the ground before stomping on it to put it out. "Well, its just one more year!" She pouts before completely realizing that he was supposed to ve at the bridge. "Wait, what are you even doing here?"
"Still, i dont think that'll justify it on court, Arima." He shrugs. " I just got a cab and came back here. Am i not allowed to enter my own home or something?" He asks her rhetorically.
" I mean, you are, of course, but cant you atleast ring the bell to let me know that your here?" She exclaims. " Also, your family is there. Did you just leave them behind? Why?....Unless you're looking for an excuse to just hangout with me, alone, in which I'll happily oblige. " She grins from ear to ear.
"I was actually hoping to use the bridge as an excuse to get away from you, but then..." Aqua thins his lips "You were right. Too noisy and overcrowded. I couldn't actually believe everyone else sort of managed to live in the crowd without wanting to rip their ears off."
"See, i told you!" She clasps her hands together. " Seriously, its just fireworks, cant they watch it from not the bridge or something?" She complains.
" Better view, probably" He states, dryly.
"Better view my ass! I could barely see anything last year, because i was too focused on whatever gossip was going on behind me." She shifts her weight to her right leg.
"Isn't that your problem? Paying attention to whats going on behind you instead of the fireworks?" His lips twitch upwards.
" Oh shut up, if you go to see a firework show, you should see the firework shiw and not gossip about something thats completely unrelated!" She whines.
" Fair, i get you. " He throws his arms up, surrendering to her constant complaining. He knows he wont win against her, because he truly can't. He leans against the railings, joining her in seeing whatever was going outside of their tiny bubble.
They share a moment of comfortable silence, neither wanting to disturb the quiet between them.
Kana gazes down below but cant help but feel her eyes drift away from the shining city of below and slowly settle onto his face. He looked... peaceful. Happier, almost, even if she couldn't exactly pin down why . He wasn't completely cheery, but she could sense a difference from when filming for '15 year old lie' took place.
"You look happy." She commented quietly, hoping he'll think nothing of it.
"Hm? How'd you know?" He hums, looking back at her – and he smiles warmly.
He smiles, and her heart goes wild, thumping so hard against her chest, she's almost scared it'll pop out. She hates how she feels right now, as if her skin could burn right though her layers of clothing.
"Dunno, you just feel less... Heavy? Tensed?" She said, pressing her index finger to her chin. "Why's that?" She asks.
"I don't know, either. I guess its good to have the filming wrapped up and just... Not work on the movie i guess." Aqua lets out a quiet laugh.
" Yeesh, didn't you say it was your dream to make this movie or something?" She narrows her eyes, suspicious.
" I said it was something I'd been
planning on doing for a while, not that it was a dream." He shoots back.
" Seems like the same to me, but hey, I've never written movie before, i guess. " She lets out an exasperated sigh.
"Still though," he clicked his tongue. "It seems like you're the opposite. "
"What?"
"Yeah, i think you're a bit more... " Hw thinks for a bit before eventually continuing. " Upset. Antsy, i guess."
Seriously, that was what he wanted to tell her?
"Listen, just because im short, doesn't mean you get to call me an ant!" She replies, her face scrunching up in offense.
"No– not ant, antsy. Like... Something similar to being frustrated or upset at something." He points at her and her face immediately flushes in shame.
" O-Oh.." she stammers, muttering a quiet apology. "Well i mean... Its just that.. uh.. i don't know." She answers, staring back into the city. "I guess it feels, like, weird to be invited here."
"Why?" He asks quickly.
"Its just... " She starts to fidget with her fingers, wondering if she could just admit it to him.
"Why? " He repeats, insistent on an answer from her.
"Jeez, give a girl some time to think, will you?" She rolls her eyes." It's just– well, this is my last year here, and with that, it feels like I've just.. not been here enough to actually deserve being invited., " she spills out.
" What? " He stares at her closely, trying to analyze her face for any hint that she was joking. To his suprise, she unfortunately was not.
"Yeah. Its stupid, i know, but it's not like it goes away even if you recognise that you're wrong " she shuts her eyes, letting her voice spill out her words. " It still lingers, you know? No matter how many times you tell yourself that you're wrong"
" Would you like me to say it then?" He asks her softly, to which she blinks slowly, the surprise on her face written clearly. "You're wrong, Arima. You.. You're truly more than enough. You've contributed a lot more to B-Komachi's success than you understand, and I don't think i could be more thankful to you."
Although Kana felt as if she should grateful for him for atleast trying comfort her, she wanted to laugh in his face. She was the least popular member of B-Komachi, inspite of her being the centre. Mem had the following of a sea of people and Ruby had her cute, charming personality. Kana didn't. She was just a stupid, has-been with a terrible personality, which might be fun to whatever fans she has for a short- while, but will eventually just end up agitating them and push them all even further away.
"Really?" She asks him, letting just a hint of sarcasm slip though. "Not sure I'd agree with that, though. Being ranked 3rd in a popularity vote doesn't really feel like contributing much if theres only three people, no?"
Aqua furrows his brows, almost like he wanted to tell her to knock it off, to tell her to just take the compliment and go. But thats just not who she is. She is Arima Kana. she can't possibly see the good side of things when she was just so greedy, ever wanting more and more. She'd probably never see what she has, blinded by the possibility of what she could have.
Yet, Aqua still pushed.
"B-Komachi would've most likely never happened if you never joined. Ruby wouldn't have acted her part in the movie as well as she did if it weren't for you and your..." He paused, thinking for the right words, and it made her try to muffle laugh "unique acting techniques. The singing would've probably sounded rancid if you didn't balance it out."
"Rancid?" She snickers . " Ruby's your sister and Mem is ... She's Mem, so i get you on her part." She says smugly.
" I think I've heard enough soloing from Ruby from my time at home" He scoffed.
" –But, still. You could've probably found a better singer instead of me and I bet it'd be just as popular, if not more. And as for the movie thing... " She went quiet. "I... I could've been better. I should've been better."
Its true. She could have, but she didn't. For as much as she adored Ruby, she envied her.
"But you two made up after, didn't you? and your friendship gotten even stronger, just like the movies."
"Thats right..." She said back. That was also true, but at the same time, she still felt guilty. She really did mean the best for her when she first started it, but over time, she realized that her words and her feelings were rooted far too deep in her heart for her to ignore.
"You're worrying too much, Arima. Try to enjoy this day, alright?" He says to her. "you'll always be apart of Strawberry productions in a way, idol or not."
" Yeah... " she gives a small smile. "I guess i am." She replies. His words don't clear all of her doubts, obviously, but for the time being, it'll do.
"Still, im surprised you actually notice my mood swings, Ah-Kun." She giggles, resting her cheek on the palm of her hand. "I didn't know you stare at me that much."
Kanas teasing reverts the smile on his face to the way it usually is, which is being irritated and dull.
"Oh, quiet down, you narc." He denies. "I'd notice. After all, we are pretty close. Aren't we, Arima?" He says, looking away from her and staring back into the skies. But he says the last words in a tone she couldn't exactly pin point. It wasn't at all positive, but it felt more... Regretful? Upset?
"Why?" Was what she wanted to ask. Why did he feel like he was committing some sort of horrible sin when he said that to her? Did he not like her? If so, why won't he say it straight to her face? Why was he so insistent on leading her on?
And why the hell did he have to avoid saying what they were?
‘we're pretty close’? What the hell is that supposed to mean? If they were friends, why couldn't he just say it? make it easier for her to sleep at night and not wonder if whether she missed her chance or not?
Just hearing him not define them made her almost go crazy; which in turn, made her feel irritated to almost go crazy over Aqua of all people. The nihilistic, deadpan and stupidly annoying, Aquamarine Hoshino. She thought she'd have let go of him by now, that if she just forgot about him, this silly little crush would've been over in about a week.
But it didn't. It still stayed. No matter how many times she's said that she'll never let him into her delicate heart again, he manages to burst right in through her– honestly– very flimsily built walls. Its still lingering right now as he just stands next to her.
And she hates it. She hates how much she loves him. She hates how much she hopes for him to love her. And she absolutely hates how she'll most likely never have an answer to her questions unless she asks him directly.
But if she asks him directly, what if it'll go wrong? What if he'll abandon her again? Leave her to rot and decay all by herself? What if he says he's never even cared for? What if?
She cant help but think back to her 'new year resolutions' from the beginning of this year, when she was younger and just a bit more naive. They were all mostly just basic things she wrote down onto a piece of paper without much thought–
|| Stay healthy
|| Clean up your wardrobe
|| Stop ordering out and actually learn how to cook
"Thats it?" Mem asked when she was done sharing her list. "There has to be more, right?!"
"What more do you need?" Kana quirks an eyebrow at the girl.
" You know, like... Actually fun stuff! " Ruby says bluntly." Like, uhm, you know .. making 1900 paper cranes!"
" What? Do you two want me to go insane? This is more than enough already, if i try to push anything more out of my comfort zome I'd throw myself off a cliff!" Kana complained at how ridiculous the two were being. " And Mem, aren't you almost thirty? Don't you think its about time to stop making the resolutions and actually start following them." She points out, eager to cut at the demon with her sharp tongue.
" Thats a bit too mean, Kana-chan!" Mem yells, her embarassment apparent in her face, and even more so after Ruby desperately tries to hide her giggles. "Y-You guys!"
Truth be told, there was one more thing on the list at the time. One that she herself thought was a bit too silly, one she scribbled down quickly as an after thought, almost.
|| Confess your feelings to Aquamarine Hoshino
Thinking back on it, if she heard her resolve at this current point in time, she'd laugh and laugh until she'd struggle to breathe. After the whole 'ignore Arima for almost half a year' stunt he pulled, She'd come to expect less of their.. situation.. simply opting for friendship, because having Aqua near her was more important than whatever pursuits she had for a romantic partner.
Still, that part of her itched. No matter how much she tried to push it down, it always itched. She wanted to know what he was to her, what he saw her as and she was growing tired of not knowing.
Her eyes drifted back to his face once more.
She could ask him right now. There was no one there but them. But, another part of her told her to keep her mouth shut, to be fine with what was, and to not hope for what could be. But that didn't stop the itching.
This was her last year as an idol, after all, and with both her regaining some moderate traction as well as the deal with Shima-san, she thinks, or at the very least– hopes, that she'll be a bit busier than she was for the past few years of her life. Even if she was grateful for that, that meant she'd definitely not have as much time to spend with her friends as she used to, even during her hectic idol activities.
This could be very well one of the last times she'll get her change to confess.
She bites the inside of her cheek before pulling out her phone again, checking the time.
11:45 AM.
15 minutes. That was all she had.
15 minutes to possibly change the entire course of their relationship, for the better or for worse.
This was a terrible idea, but before her brain could even process that, her mouth spoke.
"What... What do you mean by that, exactly?" She questions quietly, hoping he wouldn't hear and that she'd never have to explain her words.
"What do i mean by what?" He looks at her, lifting an eyebrow, and she immediately wishes to be swallowed by the ground underneath her.
Well, too late to go back now.
" ''we're pretty close' ? What does that even mean?" She asks again, biting her lip as his eyes widen ever so slightly.
"It means exactly what it means" Aqua darts his eyes aways from her.
" Yeah, i know, but what do you mean by that? Are– Are we friends or are we just acquaintances or co-workers? Y-you'ree not.. you haven't ever told me what you view us as.. " she bites her lips, letting the words shes buried deep into her brain spill.
"You said we were friends." He says, no apparent tone in his words to help her figure out what the hell he meant.
"I said that. You didn't." Kana states firmly, her grip on the railings getting tighter as her eyebrows furrow. A part of her wished he wouldn't answer, that they'd laugh it off as her somehow inhaling a bit too much nicotine from the barely burnt cigar.
But he doesn't do that
Instead, he stays muted for a while, before finally deciding to answering her. Not with words, however. His hand faintly, but intentionally, brushes against hers prior to squeezing it, her face turning red at the mere touch.
"I wish i could give you a solid answer." He sighs, the same melancholic look on his face.
"Why cant you?" She inquires, her nails slightly digging into his palms as their fingers interlock together. "Three words, Ah-Kun. That's all it is."
She stares at him closely, seeing the worry that he masks so perfectly, leak out into his features and she feels a pang of guilt strike her heart. She tries to loosen her grip of her fingers from his cold hands, tell him that she was just being an idiot as well as that he didn't need to answer her.
“Maybe I do like you.” he admits, his voice so soft she wouldn't have heard it if she didn't take notice to each and every single detail of his face.
It felt like all the lungs had been stolen from her lungs once more, except this time it was by her surprise. She stared at him as if he was some sort of mythical creature that popped out of a story tale.
"Are you serious?" She asks him, feeling as if it was all juts too good to be real.
He doesn't reply, instead opting to squeeze her hand, as if to say yes– and it drives her brain half insane. She couldn't possibly condense all the emotions, the feelings that are blending into her brain into an understandable sentence. She feels giddy, elated, almost hysterical.
Unable to help herself, she gets on the very tips of her toes, hoping to kiss his cheek, as a surprise almost — only for her hopes to be crushed when she realizes that she just isn't talk enough.
"What are you even doing?" He asks her, a smile tugging on his lips at the silly sight.
"Trying to kiss you." She admits, simpering as she shows no sign of shame or bashfulness.
"Don't think you'd be able to exactly do that as you are right now." His eyes look at her trying her best to reach to his height.
"Then shut up and bend down!" She grumbles, placing her hands on her hips in an attempt to look more stern. Unfortunately, it seems hamsters don't look all that threatening no matter what they do.
Still, he complies to her demands, anyway. Letting her press her lips to his cheeks, only pulling away once she feels like her lipgloss has made a visible mark on his face. They stare at eachother in a somewhat awkward silence for a bit before Kana breaks her silence.
"You're not gonna kiss me back?" She asks him teasingly. "and here i though you actually loved me back" she was still joking, of course, but maybe that one stabbed a bit to deep into her heart .
"Just wait a few more seconds." Aqua says, and before she has time to ask him why, he swiftly pulls her face near his, feeling their lips brush softly before ultimately closing the distance between them. In the background, however, she could hear the loud popping of the fireworks above, illuminating them in colours far brighter than the moon.
Her body felt a jolt of electricity run through every single nerve in her body. She wanted to remember this, to ingrain the way his hands immediately went to her hair, gripping at her crimson locks. The way her hands wrapped around his shoulders to press against him closer. The smell of his perfume, the way his soft lips pressed against her, and the way it all made her feel light headed and dizzy. She wanted to ingrain all of it into her brain and replay the memory time and time again.
He eventually—unfortunately— pulled away from her, the oxygen in both their lungs being completely drained as they heaved heavily to get it back.
"Kissing me right as the fireworks go off, huh?" She pants, grinning at him cat-like "How slick of you. You really are a Playboy!" She giggles.
"Sure, let's go with that." He rolls his eyes. " And you should probably quit cigarettes, i can still taste some of the smoke from your lips" Aqua says slyly, before she press their lips together once more to shut him up as the cheer and lights of the new year shine down upon them.