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1.
Being cornered by the three knowing, conspiratorial smiles of Sirius Black, Jamie Potter and Peta Pettigrew is a truly terrifying ordeal indeed. Well, perhaps more so for certain people, like Slytherins, than others, like Remus Lupin, the one responsible for quite the majority of the previous occurrences of such knowing, conspiratorial smiles. It is still quite traumatic, though, for Remus, who is just calmly finishing up the last sentence of her Charms essay on a typical spring evening in her Fifth Year before looking up to three knowing, conspiratorial smiles from the three people whose knowing, conspiratorial smiles mean nothing but trouble and sleepless nights. Especially since Remus, this time, has no idea what they might be up to.
"Watch, Moony. We're going to show you something." Jamie whispers, grinning at the others.
Remus can see her life flashing before her eyes.
That is, before her friends disappear in the space of a blink and –
What the hell?
There is a doe in the place Jamie was standing – an actual, living doe with dappled fur and hooves, standing in the dormitory. She watches Remus' shocked expression with amused, twinkling eyes, and snuffles her nose into Remus' hair. Beside her, there is a great, shaggy black dog, positively bouncing up and down with excitement, licking a wet, slobbery stripe over Remus' leg before she can even protest. Just as Remus thinks that this surely must be the end of it, a rat scurries up the dog's tail and over its back, settling on its head, blinking tiny bright eyes up at Remus.
"Animagi," Sirius explains, afterward. "Honestly, Moony, that look on your face – you'd think we'd seen Dumbles in the shower!"
"We did a bit of research," Jamie elaborates. "Werewolves – they only attack humans, see. They're fine with other animals. Animals can keep them occupied and keep them from attacking themselves."
"You won't be alone, Remus," Peter says softly. "We.. we'll..."
"We'll be there for you during the full moons," Sirius finishes, eyes shining. "You'll never have to be alone again. You'll never have to hurt yourself..."
For a moment, Remus just stares at them all, because how can this be? How can all this really be happening? She must be tired and seeing things, she must –
Then, something like truth drops into the pit of her stomach and she realises the true extent of what is happening and what, no doubt, has happened.
Her punch glances rather harmlessly off Jamie's shoulder because she's suddenly so, so angry and she can't exactly focus and coordinate when she's like this, but Jamie rears back and stares back at her in utter shock, as though she doesn't understand what they've done, what is happening, and that's when Remus loses it.
"You could have died!" she yells, because why aren't they seeing it yet? To think that –
"Didn't you hear what McGonagall said about Animagi? Wizards have died trying to turn into animals! They've –"
She is shaking now, and she thinks that her friends are reaching out to her, trying to steady her, but she remembers those scenes that McGonagall described, of Porton the Preposterous literally literally turning himself inside out in his attempt to transform from human to fish, and Mayella of the nineteenth century, choked to death by a half-formed ring of birds' feathers and – and –
"It wasn't worth it!" she manages, her voice cracking slightly. Remus' father was demoted at his job at as Ministry official after she was bitten. Whenever he and her mother go to the Ministry, whenever they go anywhere people know what she is, they are faced with prejudice and discrimination, and it is all her fault. She hates people getting into unnecessary trouble, despises it, fears it so much she hopes she isn't going to start crying any time soon, because that'll just be pathetic, and –
"Remus!"
Remus looks up to see Sirius glaring at her.
"Remus, you utter, bloody prat!"
Sirius hugs her then, almost out of nowhere, and Remus can't really bear to push her away – not with Sirius clinging onto her so tight. She overbalances and they fall onto Peta's bed, and then Peta joins in, too, cautiously putting her arms around Sirius and Remus, and then Jamie comes in, pressing her head into Remus' shoulder and wrapping the rest of her body around them all. They remain like this for a while, positioned awkwardly across a too-small bed, and Remus breathes and bites her lips and feels Sirius' arms squeeze her gently.
"We aren't dead, Moony," Sirius says softly, breath tickling her cheek. "We did it. We're all here. We're here and we're going to help you, okay? See, even Jamie's stupid glasses are perfectly fine..."
Remus cannot help it. She really, really can't help but smile and give a watery chuckle. Jamie ruffles her hair and Peta gives all their cheeks a playful poke. Sirius laughs along with her, eyes crinkled and shining with care.
Remus thinks, for the first time, I love you. She's lying in a cuddle pile on a bed in her dormitory with her friends and they're all grinning a little foolishly — is that right? — she's never going to be alone again during the full moon, ever. She loves all of them all so much, she really does, and if she's staring a little more at Sirius when she thinks it – well, she doesn't really think it contradicts anything.
—
2.
Remus hates being jealous of Jamie. She really does, and she really thinks she shouldn't be feeling this way toward one of her best friends, but every evening, Jamie and Sirius will squash themselves into the same armchair, arms linked and bodies pressed impossibly close, and Remus' heart will twist in about twenty different directions as Sirius ruffles Jamie's hair or kisses her cheek or hugs her because –
Sirius. That's the root of the problem, Remus thinks bitterly, as though it's her first time realising it and not the possible millionth. Sirius and her too loud laughter and the wicked gleam in her eyes when she comes up with something brilliant. Sirius and her sharp, authoritative retorts to anyone who says shit about her or her friends. Sirius and the soft warmth of her arms as she holds Remus after full moons, so gentle it makes Remus feel like she's dreaming.
Remus knows that Sirius will never see her as more than a friend. She has accepted it – well, almost, at least. What with the rather rubbishy cards fate has dealt her in the past – queer, female and a werewolf, must be a bloody record or something – she doesn't think she can actually expect the first person she's ever really liked to want her back, especially since Sirius is also her best friend and despite anything, friendship and Marauders come first.
She's quite gotten past her jealousy of Sirius' boyfriends – well, almost, anyway. She still hates the way they can give Sirius flowers and feel her up when they think no one is looking and touch her in places that make her giggle and squirm. She goes up to bed whenever they start snogging in the common room, because, still, it makes her stomach churn and her chest ache in absolutely terrible ways. The pain, though, has dulled somewhat, because she has also come to realise that Sirius doesn't really give two shits about those boys. Sirius has explained to them, sincerely, how boys are just a bit of fun and how Marauders will always come first. She ditches most of them within two weeks, anyway.
Jamie, though, is definitely someone Sirius gives more than two shits about. When Sirius and Jamie talk about something, charged with energy, hands gesticulating, going on so fast people'll think they share a brain, it is like the very air is shaping itself around them, and any disturbance to their conversation might as well be a knife in the heart of the world or something of the sort. Remus can never do that – not with Sirius, not with anyone. Compared to the way everything just seems to come so easily to Jamie, Remus thinks that conversations with her always feels forced, because she doesn't talk to people much on principle and just doesn't quite know what to say when she needs to speak. She wants too much, needs too much — a result of her lycanthropy, perhaps, or maybe she's just pathetic. She can never be like Jamie, like an enthusiastic, outgoing, stable person Sirius is and loves; she has tried.
Sirius is sleeping in Jamie's bed, now. Remus was woken by the telltale gasp, the heavy breathing, the semi-delirious, almost-sobs that mean Sirius was dreaming about her family again. She listened, closely, heard Sirius toss and turn and then, finally, rise and pad over to the other side of the room, where Jamie's bed was.
Remus fancies she can see them, pressed close together like they always are in the common room, arms tight around each other, Jamie holding Sirius to her chest and whispering comforting things into her ear, all sweat-damp hair and girl-limbs tangled up together. The dormitory is quiet except for the sounds of them shifting around, and Sirius' breathless, quieting sobs. Remus is painfully awake, trying to catch as much of it as she can.
As the minutes trickle by, Sirius' sobs die down into slower, more even breaths, and another few minutes later, Remus thinks that Sirius has fallen back asleep. Remus is grateful — she really is — because Sirius' pain is like little screws twisting into Remus' own heart, sharp and brutal as ever, and she's happy for anything that can stop it. She fancies that she can see Jamie holding Sirius, knowing exactly what to say, like Sirius is the centre of the universe and it hurts again because Remus'll hold Sirius like she's the centre of the universe too, if only Sirius needs her to.
Sometimes when she's really upset she thinks that isn't fair, because while Jamie may love Sirius, Remus loves her more, in more ways, needs her more than Jamie does. Then, she realises how absolutely childish that thought is, because it is precisely the problem.
—
3.
On Christmas Day, Remus is awoken by a package of sweets colliding with the side of her head. She opens her eyes groggily, grumbling and massaging the rather painful spot the box of Every Flavoured Beans hit. Sirius is perched at the foot of her bed, bouncing up and down, grinning broadly and readying another box of chocolate frogs to concuss her with.
Ah, the merits of being alone with Sirius Black.
A full moon will take place during the Christmas break, and Remus' family thought it much better and safer for her to transform in the Shack than in the basement of their rickety old house. Sirius' family — well, Sirius' family isn't a very fantastic topic of discussion on Christmas Day. Jamie is celebrating Christmas at home with her parents, and Peta got dragged back to see some great aunt who came all the way from Myanmar to visit her, leaving Sirius and Remus in Hogwarts together.
Remus covers her head with her sheets and shouts a muffled curse at the other girl, burying her face in her pillow. Sirius just laughs and laughs like the maniac she is. The next thing Remus knows, there is a wet tongue licking slobbery stripes up her neck and something furry and hot and stinking of wet dog pressed up against her side.
"That's disgusting!"
She flings Padfoot off her and sits up, reaching for a towel to wipe Padfoot's drool off her neck. Sirius rematerialises in front of her, grinning, looking uncannily dog-like as she sticks her tongue out at Remus.
"That got you up! Hah!"
"When is the last time Padfoot's taken a proper bath? She's seriously filthy."
"You mean she's Siriusly —"
"Shut the hell up."
There is obviously no point trying to get back to sleep now. Remus gets dressed quickly, and as she surveys the contents of the large Christmas stocking in front of her, she begins to appreciate the merits of being knocked awake by a box of sweets. Aside from the Every Flavoured Beans and chocolate frogs from Sirius, she has also gotten first edition copies of books from the celebrated A Wizard's Wand series from her parents, a new chess set from Jamie, and enough Honeydukes Finest chocolate from Peta and Liam Evans — she'd best not tell Jamie — to last her a lifetime — or at least a week.
She sits down on the bed and opens the Every Flavoured Beans first, popping a few cherry flavoured ones into her mouth. Sirius reaches over without asking and grabs one of the mint ones — Remus' personal favourite. At the sight of Remus' glare, Sirius sticks her tongue out again and cuddles up to Remus' side, purring like an overgrown cat, eyes big as coffee cups.
"Wemus!" she whines in a falsely high-pitched voice. "'M sorry, Wemus. Y' still wuff me, right, Wemus? Y' won' hate me fowever?"
Remus wonders how it is possible to want to hit someone over the head with a shelf of books and simultaneously snog them senseless. It's because of Sirius, she concludes, shaking her head. With that girl, everything is possible. Sirius can probably fly without a broomstick, or have the entire Slytherin house secretly enslaved, or even get that broken Muggle motorbike to work and, horror of horrors, manage to drag Remus aboard the ghastly thing. There's no telling what sorts of insidious powers might be hidden behind that unnaturally attractive pout.
Remus just shakes her head. And as she does, she notices Sirius' hand sneaking deftly to her box of sweets again, pulling away with another pale green, deliciously minty Every Flavoured Bean. She also notices an earwax flavoured one, lying on the bed not two inches away from Sirius' hand.
A simple, silent Switching Spell is all it takes. Sirius gives an excited hoot and throws the supposedly mint-flavoured bean into her mouth with a triumphant shout without a second glance at the sweet. The next moment, though, she is coming up spluttering, nose wrinkle in disgust, face scrunched up like a kicked puppy. She glares at Remus, making a sound like Nfffggkkhhh!
Sirius has the good grace to spit over the edge of Remus' bed before grabbing a pillow and launching forward, pounding Remus' face with it and covering them all with feathers. The box of Every Flavoured Beans spills with a thump, littering the bed and floor with multicoloured sweets — Sirius will definitely be the one cleaning it all up later —and Remus vaguely hopes that the chocolates will still be edible after this — Merlin forbid Sirius squash them under her arse. Now, though, Remus is laughing as she lies sprawled on her back, assaulted by Sirius and her pillow. She laughs and laughs and cannot seem to stop, and laughs until her sides are aching and her facial muscles are going to split apart.
They while the morning away mooning around in the dormitory and common room, enjoying their presents (the chocolate turned out to be fine, thank Merlin), playing Exploding Snap and generally having one of Remus' best Christmases, ever. Sirius is in a great mood today, rolling around on the common room floor and sitting on everybody's laps, telling silly stories and making some people laugh and others cast dangerously murderous looks. Afterward, she curls up with Remus on the armchair she so often shares with Jamie, feeling warm and soft and all tingly as she leans her head against Remus' shoulder. She splits a chocolate frog with Remus, telling the stupidest jokes ever — Why is the sea blue, Moony? Because all the little fish go blu, blu, blu! — and laughing for ages about her own amazing, infallible wit, Moony!
After an excellent meal of turkey sandwiches and treacle tart in the Great Hall, they head out into the grounds for a snowball fight with the Gryffindor boys who stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays – Liam Evans and Marlon McKinnon. It stopped snowing sometime during lunch, leaving the ground covered in a thick, glistening blanket of white. Sirius grabs Remus' hand and pulls her along as she runs, black hair flying in all directions in the wind around her grinning face, shoes sinking into the soft snow and leaving trails of quick footprints. Her first snowball hits Liam square in the face, leaving him spluttering and gasping, and Marlon laughs a warning before winking at Sirius and sending her tumbling into the ground with a well-aimed throw. Sirius emerges, coughing and gasping, cheeks flushed and hair ruffled, and aims her next snowball at Remus, who ducks just just before it hits her. She wastes no time in gathering fistfuls of snow and pelting Sirius' laughing face with it, until Sirius is covered from head to toe in white, shining flakes.
After dinner, it begins to snow again and Sirius drags Remus to the grounds to see catch snowflakes and see the way the Christmas lights from the castle spill onto the white, softly shining snow. Sirius stretches her arms out and twirls on the spot, looking unfairly and ridiculously graceful for someone in winterwear and muggle trainers simply shuffling round and round in the snow. Then again, Sirius makes everything possible, after all. The lights from the castle shine onto the different angles of her face as she twirls and twirls, catching the pretty hollows at the base of her neck and making her eyelashes (so, so long, even for a teenage girl) sparkle. At that moment, she looks so bloody adorable that Remus just wants to grab her round the waist and press her close and kiss her into the next year, and still, it kind of hurts that she can't do it but Remus supposes that it's okay. For that moment, it's okay.
Sirius hugs her when they're going back up to the castle, wraps her arms around Remus and tells her that it's been the best Christmas she's ever had — of course, Moony, it's the first I spent with you and not at that so-called home.
Remus smiles and hugs her back, hard, murmurs a small Me too.
She presses her nose into Sirius' hair and breathes in fruity shampoo and snow and dog fur and a scent so warm, so Sirius, it feels like falling in love all over again.
—
4.
Spring is arriving, and the Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch final is looming. The members of Gryffindor team train almost every day, now, and when they're not on the pitch, they're huddled together in the common room, whispering in low voices and drawing out plans.
The tension is becoming almost palpable as the day of the match draws closer. Slytherins and Gryffindors throw each other snide comments as they pass each other in the corridors, and one of the Slytherin chasers, William Moncada, has already been sent to the hospital wing with neon green carrots sticking out from his armpits.
Remus is coming out of a Transfigurations classroom with Sirius when Adrian Bertwood boy, a sixth-year Slytherin boy, rams his shoulder unnecessarily hard against her as he walks past.
"Watch where you're going, Loopy!" he snarls. "And what's that hair of yours? A puddle of bird shit?"
The Slytherins seem to be getting really rusty. Bloody bird shit? That's the best they can do now? Remus can't decide whether to be amused or even disappointed. Not quite bothered, she just ignores him and walks on.
As Bertwood howls with laughter and claps his friend on the back, though, Sirius wheels around, glaring daggers into the back of his head.
"Oi!" Sirius yells. "I'd take a look at my own hair if I were you, but I suppose you can't even do that. For such a big head, you'd think there's at least something inside!"
"Sirius," Remus admonishes as Bertwood turns and glares threateningly at them. "Pick your battles, yeah?" It is half-hearted, though, because this is not even the first time something like this has happened, oh, no, quite the contrary. Sirius has always been like this, and they all know that Remus enjoys it, really.
Sirius just giggles.
"Your hair really can be improved, Moony. A hairdresser can do so much better than your lousy charmwork."
"Love you too."
—
5.
The first time she kisses Sirius, they are hiding behind the one-eyed witch's statue, waiting for Prongs and Wormtail to return with the stolen potion ingredients they need to sneak into that third-floor corridor for their Easter holiday prank. Remus is squeezed between the statue and Sirius, and they're so close that all the curves in Sirius' body are pressed against her, Sirius' warm breath tickling her cheek. Sirius is everywhere – the smell of her, the sight of her skin, the maddening twitch of her lower lip and the soft gleam in her eyes, her ruffled hair, and Remus' chest ties itself in tight knots. It hurts to have Sirius all she can see and smell yet also untouchable, actually hurts so bloody much Remus can't quite breathe properly.
The first time she kisses Sirius, she doesn't know better than to press her lips into Sirius' mouth so hard it aches. She has kissed others before – nervous Hufflepuff boys who think she's cute and aren't too bad themselves, attractive Ravenclaw girls with steady hands and soft lips – but they are not Sirius. Merlin and Morgana, none of them is Sirius Black and none of them can ever come close.
Her heart is pounding so fast, too fast, screaming at her to stop. Her face feels like it's steaming and her hands are shaking at Sirius' collar. The blood roars so loudly in her ears that it takes her a moment to realise that Sirius is actually kissing her back, one hand at her waist, the other at the back of her head to hold her in place.
She breaks away with a gasp and stares at Sirius, breathless and gaping a little.
"I —" she starts, because her head is spinning, her heart is still racing and there is this hot rush of confusion and embarrassment making its way up her neck and she doesn't quite know what she's even supposed to be feeling first.
Sirius stares back at her for a full moment, breathless and holding her face in her hands — heat, so much heat gathered there. Then, she utters an almost choked Moony andpins Remus' hands to her sides, kissing her hard again, mouth soft and warm and demanding all at once. She bites at Remus' lower lip and Remus' feels like her legs and chest and head are overheating and freezing all at once. She puts her hand on Sirius' shoulder and murmurs Sirius, and Sirius wraps her arms tight around her like she'll never let her go and says Moony I want to, really, trust me, lips moving to press butterfly kisses to her nose, her eyelids and her cheeks before returning to her lips.
Jamie and Peta find them like this, and Peta bursts out laughing, slapping her hand against the one-eyed witch's statue.
"Finally!" she giggles. "Bloody finally!"
Jamie just looks vaguely annoyed, though the corners of her lips are twitching and there is a gleam of laughter in her eyes.
"Do you two want to be caught by Filch or what?"
Remus just laughs along, blushing furiously.
Later, when she and Sirius are wrapped around each other, safe in Sirius' bed, Remus thinks that really, she should never have fretted about anything at all.