Archive of Our Own

It was that time of the year again, the second they had to spend without him and the first in Cooperstown, in the house he had bought for them but didn’t have enough time to see the moving happening. 

They bought the house mid-2020, planning to retire together and leave the big city, the chaos and raise Noah with peace and quiet but then the pandemic came and that put a stop on all their plans. 

But things got better after a while and the plans came back full force, only they didn’t expect what would take him from them weren’t bullets or a crazy perp high on meth with a rusty knife.

Back then, when they decided to buy the house, they did it because he wanted to be close to his only living relative, his Aunt Carol, a 80-year-old woman who outlived almost every family member.

And now him too.

She had promised him, when they found out, that she wouldn't sell the house. She’d retire, take Noah away from this crazy life they always lived and find peace, happiness and maybe even love.

She laughed at him on that one.

He was the one to teach her how to love the holidays, how important they were and how everyone should cherish them. He taught her that and together, they taught Noah that too. 

The first year had been hard. Trying to avoid the date altogether, she ended up avoiding Noah too, staying at the station until past midnight and ducking Amanda’s calls until she got to the Carisi’s. 

Amanda was fuming, all red in the face, but didn’t say a word when saw her puffy eyes and red nose.

Noah was already asleep by then and she couldn’t do anything except accept her friend’s invitation to sleep in their guest room. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but she vowed to herself and to Noah’s sleeping form that’d be the last.

She didn’t want to be that type of mother and she knew her baby was suffering just as much as she was. It wasn’t fair to any of them. Not even Zoe.

Two months later, she put her papers in.

↔

“Come on, baby. We’re gonna be very late.” She said, holding the door of their apartment open with one hand while the other held on to Zoe’s leash, who was sitting by her feet, looking expectantly at her and wagging her tail. “Don’t look at me like that. He’s the one taking so long in the bathroom.”

Suddenly, he emerged from the hallway with his backpack in one hand, almost dragging her on the floor, and a snow globe on the other. She smiled sadly and understanding when he stopped in front of her.

“Sorry, I forgot this in my room.” He said quietly, already putting inside his backpack. She felt like she shouldn’t comment on it, so she just kept quiet. “We can go now.”

“Alright, let’s go then.” She handed him the dog’s leash and urged him on.

Olivia waited for Noah to walk past her to take a deep breath. She felt tears pooling in her eyes, looking inside her now empty apartment, the one they had bought when she was still a lowly detective and they had just started their life together, the one where she found out she was pregnant with Noah after years and years of trying for a baby and failing, the one where he learn how to walk and how to talk, the one where they built their lives.

The one where now was nothing more than empty walls and dust. 

She wiped her tears quietly and looked behind her, to her beautiful son who was almost a man now and watched as he walked down the stairs talking to Zoe like she could understand every word he was saying. Taking another deep breath, she closed the door for the last time.

Walking down the stairs, behind Zoe and Noah, she kept thinking if that was the right decision. If it’d be good for them or just make everything worse in the long term. Noah had assured her it was fine, he had come to terms with moving soon after they bought the house and he was actually happy to leave New York.

“I love it here, I have my friends here, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore.” He told her in a whisper, on a quiet Wednesday night while watching a Marvel movie together and talking about moving out. That had broken her heart in a million tiny pieces all over again and the only thing she could do was hug her soon, letting his tears fall and wet her blouse.

Outside the building was her most loyal friend, the one who had been by her side for twenty-four years, Odafin Tutuola. He was a serious guy, had a scowl to his face most of the time and an unapproachable stance, but in reality he was a marshmallow and Olivia could see the tears he was holding in.

“Morning, folks.” He said with a tilt of his head, looking directly at her. Noah bumped fists with him, but Fin’s attention was on her. 

“Good morning, Fin.” Olivia answered, lowering her head to pet Zoe and usher her inside the car. “Strap her in, honey, please.” She asked her son, who was already inside the car and he nodded. 

Olivia looked back at Fin and the tears came back instantly. “Don’t cry, babygirl or you’ll make me cry too.” He pulled her for a hug and she laughed a little.

“Like you weren’t crying already.”

“Shh, shh, don’t go spilling all my secrets.” He swayed them slowly, enjoying the hug from the woman he saw as his little sister, even though she was his superior. “Go on, you guys have a schedule.”

“Thank you, Fin.” Olivia whispered, not wanting to let go of her friend just yet. “For everything you did for me and for being the best friend I could ever ask for.”

“Aight, aight, you go. Can’t let you make me go all soft now, I have a reputation.” He said, pushing her shoulder gently. “And don’t be fooled, you’re not getting rid of me or Phoebe, we’ll be there for Thanksgiving. ‘Manda, Carisi and the kids too.”

She nodded happily. That was one thing everyone had agreed upon finding out they were leaving town - spending every possible holiday together. They had made their own little family in the years working together and Olivia couldn’t be more happy for having them by her side.

“Alright, I’ll be waiting for all of you.” She said, rubbing his arms. “By then, the house will be all set up and is big enough for everyone.”

“You have more than enough time, so don’t worry. It’s still early October.”

Olivia agreed again, it was early October but time was moving fast. Faster than she liked and the thought of having to spend a month and half miles away from her family wasn’t a pleasant one. She was retired now, had more time in her hands than she ever had before and she knew things would be busy once she got to Cooperstown but still…

She never had that much free time and Olivia feared she’d go crazy without work.

“Go now, you know how impatient that kid of yours can be.” Fin pushed her into the car’s direction and pointed at Noah, who was impatiently tapping his finger on his cheek, staring into the empty street. 

Olivia walked around, after giving Fin one last hug, and got inside the driver’s side. “I’ll text you when we get there, okay?”

The man nodded, leaning into the passenger side car window to look at both of them, but his attention turned towards the teenager. “Take care of your mom, will ya?”

“I will.” The teen grabbed his hand firmly and Fin had to fight the urge to cry. Again. “I’ll miss you, Uncle Fin.”

“I will miss you too, kid. Don’t grow up too fast and don’t cause trouble for ya mom.” Fin tapped against the boy’s forehead and stepped back, waving at them.

↔

It was cold and windy when they arrived at the small town. Olivia's heart was heavy, glancing at her son every minute, trying to see any indication that this was a bad idea but Noah kept an unbothered look, texting and playing on his phone most of the time so she couldn’t know exactly what the boy was thinking.

She drove on the silent streets, the contrast with the bustling city of New York was stark and palpable and Olivia wondered, not for the first time, if she’d ever get used to the silence. In New York, the place she had built her entire life, the streets were alive with a vibrant energy, a cacophony of sounds, crowded sidewalks, honking horns and the rhythm of daily routines that seemed to stretch endlessly.

Cooperstown, in contrast, greeted them with a slower pace and a more intimate atmosphere. The quaint charm of the city, usually bustling with tourists during the baseball season, now felt like a serene refuge. At least that’s what Ed used to tell her, whenever he talked about his town. 

As they drove by, she noticed the historic buildings, the families walking around slowly, just enjoying the cold afternoon and laughing with each other. It offered a tranquility that felt both soothing and unfamiliar. 

“What’s that?” Noah pointed at the big building down the streets, one they could see from afar and Olivia squinted, trying to see what it was.

“I think it’s the Baseball Hall of Fame.” She answered, thinking it’d impress the boy who once loved baseball but he just nodded and shrugged.

“Nice.” 

Teenagers.

She drove for a few more minutes, trying her best to ignore the curious glances of the city residents. It was a small town and Ed had told her that everyone knew everyone so it was normal for them to be curious. Especially out of the season they expected tourists. 

Their new house was at the end of Pioneers St, the one closest to the lake. It was what had been the selling point for Ed, he loved that lake and he had grown up close to that area. It also had a big park right across the street and he had convinced her that Noah would love to hang out there with the friends he’d make. 

“It’s beautiful.” Noah said when they parked in their new garage. 

And indeed, it was a damn beautiful house, surrounded by a well-manicured garden with a charming front porch and a set of large windows that seemed to be strategically positioned to take full advantage of the scenic vista. Noah hadn’t been inside the house before and neither had she, Ed was the only one who visited the place and showed them videos and pictures. 

“It’s nicer than the photos dad showed us.” He commented, stretching and yawning, holding Zoe’s leash to prevent her from running away.

“It is.” Olivia agreed and hugged him sideways, looking up at the big house, too big for just the two of them, and smiled. “We’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, we will.”

↔

The vibrant autumn leaves crunched beneath her worn-out boots as she navigated the quiet streets with her phone in hand, looking around for the tree-shop she had been searching. Aunt Carol had told her it belonged to an old friend of Ed’s and it was easy to find, but she had been walking around practically in circles for the last half an hour.

It was stupid, the town wasn’t that big for her to get lost.

Noah would laugh at her, probably. It had been only a week, but the boy had already ridden his bike all over the city, something he could barely do in New York.

“Hey, you lost?” She heard a girl’s voice directed at her and turned around quickly. The girl looked not much older than fourteen years old.

“Yeah, I think I am.” Olivia answered, feeling a little embarrassed. She had refused to ask for help because of that particular feeling and also because she had done an amazing job at avoiding the people in this town. Aunt Carol had told her they could be nosy and most of them knew she was the widow of Ed Tucker. 

The teen in front of her smiled gently, another thing to compare to New York was the kids around, most of them had that relaxed energy that made her feel like she was on another planet. Even Noah was more relaxed than he had been in years and he already had made friends with the twin boys next door.

“What are you looking for?” She asked.

“The tree-shop.” Olivia said and looked around. “But I can’t find it. Clearly.”

The girl giggled at her. “Yeah, probably because it’s not anywhere near here.” Olivia looked back at her with her mouth agape and then looked at the address on her phone to show the teen. “Oh, this is the old address.” The blonde girl pointed at a store across the street. “It’s Maurice’s diner now.”

“Oh Jesus.” 

“Yeah, we moved a few months ago.” Olivia frowned at the girl’s words and she giggled again. “Sorry, my dad owns the tree-shop. I’m Lizzie, by the way.”

“I’m Olivia. I moved here a few days ago.” Lizzie nodded, like she knew that already and Olivia fought the urge to sigh, expecting the girl to ask something, but nothing came so she relaxed a little.

“I can take you there if you want.” 

“Sure, that’d be great. Is it far?” 

“No, I usually take five minutes on my bike from here. You can follow me.”

It wasn’t like she had anything more important to do. The moving company had arrived three days ago and the house was practically ready, with few things out of place, but nothing very urgent. 

And she had taken the afternoon to find the tree-shop like Noah had asked.

“Okay, let’s go then.” 

Lizzie walked to where her bike was and waited for Olivia to get into her car to start pedaling ahead of her, leading the way through the urban labyrinth. She pedaled fast, navigating the city streets as the woman trailed behind her slowly. 

As she had said, it didn’t take them more than five minutes to arrive at the tree-shop. Lizzie signaled for her to follow her into the parking lot and showed her the best parking spot, right next to the entrance. She noticed how close the store was to her house, just a few blocks away.

Olivia got out of the car and quickly glanced at the name of the store, checking to see if it was the same as her Aunt Carol had told her.

“Stabler’s Grand Ranch.” She read out loud, nodding to herself.

“Yeah, my Nana has a farm and we decided to keep the name. It matches, I think.” She mumbled, shrugging her shoulders as she got down from her bike. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

They walked side by side in the shop with Lizzie talking about the new changes they made since moving to the bigger shop. The girl was extremely friendly with her, a complete stranger, and didn’t seem bothered by that. 

Inside the shop, Olivia found herself enveloped in a world of greenery and earthy fragrances. The air was filled with the scent of fresh soil and the natural aroma of various plants. She looked around while following the teen, noticing the harmonious blend of rustic charm and botanical wonder. Wooden shelves, adorned with an assortment of potted plants and gardening supplies lined the walls. 

“This way.” Lizze said, pointing to the back of the store with her finger. 

At the register, was an old woman, with bright white hair and a soft smile on her face. The girl looked a lot like the woman and Olivia concluded that it was the Nana Lizzie was talking about.

“Nana, this Olivia. Olivia, this is my Nana, Bernie.” 

“Nice to meet you, dear.” Bernie reached out her hand to Olivia, who promptly took it. “You’re the new girl in town, aren’t you?”

Olivia laughed a little, it had been years since anyone had called her girl, but she nodded anyway. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Well, welcome to Cooperstown. I hope you’re enjoying our lovely town.”

“I am, actually. Thank you.” Olivia answered, touched by the gentleness of the woman but Bernie just waved her off and smiled. Lizzie gave her grandmother a kiss and walked through the door that was right behind the register. 

“So, how can I help you, honey?” 

Olivia inhaled and exhaled quickly, looking around the shop to avoid the woman’s eyes. “Uh, me and my son want to plant a tree in our backyard. An olive tree.”

“Oh that’s wonderful! If you don’t mind, I have to call my son for that one.” She said with her eyes sparkling. “I’m more of a flower person, I don't know much about trees.”

“It’s all right, I’ll wait.”

Bernie walked back to the same door Lizzie had just gone, leaving Olivia all alone in the shop. She took her time to walk through the place, cataloging everything she wanted to buy for her house. 

The layout of the shop was thoughtfully organized, with different sections dedicated to specific types of plants. A corner displayed vibrant flowers in an array of color while another featured a variety of indoor trees with leaves of various shapes and sizes. Olivia wandered through the aisles, captivated by the diverse botanical offering that surrounded her. 

She discovered that not only they had a wide selection of plants but also gardening tools, decorative pots and insightful guides on plant care. Something she needed, if she wanted that big garden of theirs to thrive. In New York she killed more plants than she could count, but she could hide those ones.

Here though, her garden was visible to everyone that passed by her house.

Picking up one of the books, the one called The Well Gardened Mind, she started to leaf through the pages. 

“This one is pretty good.” A male voice startled her, making her drop the book on the floor, which he picked up seconds after. She turned around quickly and her right hand went instinctively to her hip, but remembered almost immediately she didn’t have her gun anymore. The man took a step back at the same time, looking apologetically. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you. My mother told me you needed some help.”

The first thing she noticed when her heart stopped pounding was how handsome he was. He was bald and that was something she usually didn’t like in men, but it suited him perfectly. He was tall, taller than her by a few inches and she was wearing heels. 

With a solid build and broad shoulders, his presence was the kind that commanded attention and confidence radiated from him even though he had his hands up, non-threatening. 

And his blue eyes perce into hers, taking her breath away.

Olivia forced herself to look down, then up again and smile awkwardly at the man. “You must be the owner.” He then smiled too, with a big grin, lowering his hands and extending it to her in greeting.

“That’s me.” He said taking her hand in his. His handshake was firm and warm, so, so warm to her cold hands. 

Olivia ran her eyes through his arms, noticing the short sleeves of his shirt even though it was cold as fuck outside. He had a big US Marine tattoo on his forearm and she relaxed a little bit more.

“I’m Elliot Stabler by the way.” The man said after letting go of her hand and she nodded, smiling with him. 

“Olivia Benson.” 

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Benson.” 

Her breath hitched, it had been a long time since anyone had called her Mrs. Benson. She never took Ed’s last name, was strongly against it and he respected her wishes, but she always loved being called Mrs. Benson. 

“Just Olivia, please.” She retorted and Elliot seemed to read something in her eyes and simply nodded gently, almost apologetically.

“So what can I help you with?”

“Uhm, my son has been bugging me to plant a tree in our yard. So we need a tree. An olive tree, specifically.” 

Elliot smiled and nodded. “Follow me, then.”

↔

“It looks good.” Aunt Carol said, looking out the kitchen window. 

Olivia had her hands wet and filled with soap, doing her dishes since her dishwasher had chosen to stop working that morning. She looked up from her sink to the woman, frowning.

“What?” Her blouse was all wet, too. She hated doing dishes. 

“The tree.” Said the woman, pointing to the backyard. “Noah told me you two did it for Ed.”

Usually they avoided the topic. Aunt Carol was an emotional woman, elderly and didn’t have good health in general. Talking about the only nephew she had who died in a horrible manner was not the topic she was eager to bring up, but Olivia indulged her sometimes.

“Yeah, uhm, Noah said it’d be like he’s here with us.” Olivia answered, smiling sadly. “He said that an olive tree represents peace, so… uhm- we felt like it was the best choice.”

“It was, indeed.” The woman went silent again, staring at the tree. It was small, just a few inches tall but it warmed Olivia’s heart to have it there. “Didn’t know you knew how to plant a tree.”

Aunt Carol said teasingly, walking to the kitchen counter and taking a seat there. Olivia couldn’t help but laugh. It was true, she had never planted a tree in her whole life. Neither had Noah. They were both city people at heart. So she shook her head.

“No, the owner of the shop stopped by to help us.” 

“You mean, Elliot?” Olivia nodded, not noticing the way the woman went silent again, right behind her. One of her pans had a weird stain and she was trying to scrub it. “He and Ed were best friends through high school.”

Olivia froze for a few seconds, looking out the window the same way Caroline had done it just minutes before. Elliot Stabler had given her his number - it was more like a business card, but anyway - so she could call him if she had any problems planting the said tree. She had said, stubbornly, that she could handle it.

Google exists for a reason.

So when she called him that same afternoon with an impatient teen breathing down her neck, he just laughed and said he’d be there in ten minutes. It took him twelve minutes - she counted - but didn’t complain when thirty minutes later he had the tree solidly planted in the ground with her son’s help.

“They were?”

“Yeah, they were thick as thieves, those two.” Carol said with a nostalgic voice, like she could remember the boys vividly. “Always getting themselves in all sorts of trouble.”

“Ed never mentioned him.” 

“I suppose he wouldn’t.” She mumbled, rolling her eyes and Olivia felt the need to stop what she was doing to hear the woman. Drying her hands on her jeans quickly, she had her eyes focused on Caroline. “They were kids.” She sighed. “Ed was a few months older than Elliot and Elliot had gotten a summer job a few cities away.”

Olivia frowned then looked at Zoe, who was trying to get up on the chair. “Zoe, get down please.”

“His dad wasn’t… nice.” Carol said, stroking the back of Zoe’s head. She had a way of downplaying things when she didn’t want to speak ill of people, so Olivia wondered what kind of person he was. “He had his problems, he was a cop back then. He worked for the NYPD for years, just like you and my nephew, but was forced out. I don't know what happened, but Elliot was not older than ten when they moved here.”

Caroline sighed again and looked over her shoulder, to where Noah was sitting down on the couch with his headphones in.

“He and Ed were always together and at the end of their senior year, Elliot got himself a girl. Betty? Or was it Kim? I don’t remember.” She waved off, shrugging her shoulders. “Anyway, he had this girlfriend and I remember she was this beautiful brunette girl and Elliot was smitten, even proposed to her. Right out of high school. Dumb move if you ask me.”

“What happened?”

Caroline looked at Olivia with sorrow, like she somehow was supposed to know this. Or at least a little bit, but Olivia felt like she was standing in the middle of a dark room.

“Ed knocked her up.”

Olivia wouldn’t, couldn’t react to that, she just sat there with wide eyes and her mouth agape looking at Aunt Carol like she had grown another head.

“She lost the baby, so don’t worry, Noah doesn’t have a lost sibling somewhere out there.” Caroline said quickly, grabbing the woman’s hand and squeezing it tight. Didn’t help though. She never knew about any of this and Ed never even hinted at something like that.

And she felt like he betrayed her somehow. And that felt confusing. They hadn’t even met yet, nor were anywhere near close to meeting each other when this happened. But still, it was something big, something you’d share with your wife of eighteen years at some point.

“Well, that obviously broke their friendship. Elliot felt betrayed not only by his girlfriend but by his best friend too and he never spoke to Ed again.” She said, letting go of Olivia’s hand noticing how quiet she was. Not that Carol blamed her, it was a shock. “A few months later he joined the Marines and my sister took Ed to New York.”

Olivia gulped, trying to find her voice in the middle of all that. “Uh, and the girl?”

“Overseas. Spain, I believe.”

Nodding, she got up again and went to her kitchen sink to finish her dishes. Her mind was spinning and she was damn sure she’d open a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing after Carol left. 

“You should call someone to fix that.” Aunt Carol said, pointing to the dishwasher.

↔

Olivia hurried her steps, yelling at Noah from the second floor for him to close all the downstairs bathroom windows too, otherwise he’d probably forget. The wind was getting stronger and stronger and she knew it would be a matter of minutes before the snow started to fall heavily. 

They were in the middle of unpacking some boxes that Fin had sended them from Olivia’s office when the warning came so they both ran to close every open window and Noah even lit the fireplace.

She walked down the stairs, tightening her robe around her body. The first thing she saw was Zoe, sprawled on the couch but with wide eyes. She passed by the dog, petting her in the head, then walked to her son, smiling at the boy when she saw the fire. “Thanks, honey.” Olivia sat down on the floor, beside him and pulled him for a hug. “You wanna play some game?”

Noah smiled, with a glint to his eyes. “Scrabble?”

Olivia rolled her eyes and poked his shoulder. “Give up, kid. You’ll never beat m-”

Their tranquility was shattered when the front door swung open, allowing a gust of icy wind to invade the warm living room. With a blur of fur, energy and enthusiasm, Zoe bolted out into the storm, leaving the door ajar behind her and just a glimpse of golden furr.

“Zoe! No!” Olivia exclaimed, her heart pounding with worry and without a second thought, she rushed into the cold night after the dog, screaming at Noah to stay behind and to not leave the house. 

She had her slippers on and no socks and to keep her body warm was just her flannel pants and a thin sweater with her robe tightened around her. The snow crunched beneath her feet as she called out for the dog, the swirling flakes obscuring her vision. The darkness of the night and the howling of the wind seemed to absorb the sound of her frantic voices.

“Zoe! Where are you, girl?” Olivia called, echoing through the deserted streets. 

Olivia heard, faintly and far away, her barking and smiled, even though she could barely breathe in the cold wind. The storm raged around her, but Olivia pressed forward.

After a few minutes, she saw a very familiar sign, the lights casting a soft glow in the distance and Olivia breathed in relief when she saw the door slightly open. Getting closer, she also noticed a tall figure stepping outside the shop, holding on to Zoe’s collar.

“Zoe!” Olivia called out and Zoe’s tail wagged with excitement as her owner got closer. 

Elliot was looking at her with wide eyes, horrified by her state. He immediately hushed her inside, with his free hand going to the small of her back.

“What the fuck are you doing out there in this storm? You’re soaked, Olivia!” He exclaimed, his eyes latched with worry. He closed the door behind them and the warmth of the shop enveloped her like a warm embrace, making her actually feel the cold now and tremble.

“I-I ha-had to-to get Z-Z-Zoe.”  She argued weakly and he huffed, taking off his jacket and wrapping around her shoulders and his smell invaded her nostrils.

“It’s a goddamn storm and she’d find her way back home.” He said, leading her to the back of the shop. “Sit here.” Elliot guided her to one of the chairs in the back and then guided Zoe to her feet. The dog obediently sat down.. “You’re lucky we live above the store and I had a few things to do here. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t see or hear you out there.”

“It- it’s fi-fine.” He was roaming through one locker, with his back to her and she could imagine the face he was making. 

“Here, dress in this.” Elliot handed her a sweater and jeans, with his face frowned. “There’s a bathroom here.” She looked at the door he was pointing at and got up, nodding and trying very hard not to shiver. “I’ll drive both of you home, okay?”

By the look on his face, there wasn’t room for argument so she simply nodded again and went to change. The clothes were big for her and smelled like pine and cedar, just like him, so she wouldn’t complain.

Walking out of the bathroom, she stumbled into someone, who was definitely not Elliot. The blonde, long hair was the first thing she saw and then a face who looked exactly like Lizzie’s. Or Lizzie looked exactly like her.

“I’m so sorry!” The woman exclaimed, widening her eyes and stepping aside.

“It’s al-alright.” Olivia said, shaking her head and weaving her off. She then noticed Lizzie right behind the woman, holding a black coat. “Hi, Lizzie.”

“Hey, Liv.” She stepped forward, handing her the coat. “Dad asked me to bring you this” Lizzie said gently as Olivia took the coat awkwardly, looking between the two women. “This is my mom.”

“I’m Kathy. Nice to meet you.” Kathy said politely, holding out her hand and Olivia felt an unexpected wave of disappointment run through her. 

“Olivia Benson.” Taking the woman’s hand, Olivia then turned to the girl. “Can you thank your dad for me?” 

“Where you going?” Kathy asked, confused. “Elliot went upstairs to grab the keys. He’ll drive you.”

“Oh no, that’s not necessary!” Olivia gestured for Zoe to get up and she did. “I’ll walk back, it’s not that far.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” It was Elliot. He was walking down the stairs, already dressed more appropriately for the weather and with his keys in hand. 

He stopped beside Kathy and their daughter and the three of them were looking at her with serious concern. She rolled her eyes, giving up on the fight and then huffed when Lizzie started to laugh.

“You’re stubborn.” The girl said. “Noah got that from you.”

Olivia looked surprised at the girl. She didn’t know they were friends, but it wasn’t so shocking since the town was pretty small and they were just two years apart. 

“You know him?”

“Yeah, he’s Becca’s friend and she’s my best friend.” She shrugged. “We all hang out.”

“Alright, we can catch up later. It’s late, it’s cold and Liv needs to take Zoe home.” Kathy interrupted giving her daughter a glance and the girl nodded. The woman then turned to Elliot and gave him a hug. “Take her home. I’ll stop by tomorrow to take your mother to her appointment, so don’t worry.”

“Thanks, Kath.” Olivia was watching the whole interaction with confusion, but tried not to let it show. “Liz, say goodnight to your mom and then go to bed. It’s late.”

Elliot turned to Olivia, his right hand going straight to her lower back and his left hand holding onto Zoe’s collar so she wouldn’t run off again. They both saw when Lizzie rolled her eyes, but hugged her mother.

“Come on, my car is in the garage.” He led her to a door next to the stair that connected to their garage where his black pickup truck was. “Inside, girl.” Elliot said to Zoe, after opening the door in the back. He then opened the passenger side for her and waited until she was sitting comfortably to close it. 

“I’m sorry for the trouble I’m causing.” Was the first thing she said when he sat down in the driver's seat and he shook his head. 

“It’s not a problem, Liv. Relax.”

She nodded, biting her tongue to not blurt out the question she wanted to ask.

“Lizzie looks a lot like Kathy.” 

Elliot laughed, backing out the car. “She does, not only physically but her personality is the same as her mom’s.”

“I didn’t know you were married.” She wanted to slap herself when he gave her a sideway smirk without taking his eyes off the road. He was driving slowly, because of the snow that was falling hard and the streets were covered in it.

“I’m not. Kathy was more of a one time thing and it was enough to bring Lizzie into the world.” He explained, completely relaxed and she immediately remembered what Caroline had told her. “We’re great friends but that’s about it.”

Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Keep your mouth shut.

“So no wife?”

He smirked again, irking her. “No wife.” 

“Any particular reason?”

She definitely should learn to listen to her own advice and keep her damn mouth shut. Elliot tensed, his hands tightening around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. 

“Never found the right person, I think.” He said with his voice strained and she immediately regretted asking.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to upset you.” Olivia looked out the window. 

“You didn’t. I just… don’t like to talk about it.” Elliot signed, relaxing his body a bit. “But I guess you would know that.”

“What?!”

He took his eyes off the road for a second, to watch her stupefied face. “He never told you?”

“Who?”

“What do you mean who? Your husband.” He said, pointing out the obvious. She knew what he was talking about, obviously, but it was never her intention to make him talk about it. 

Her shoulders slumped. “No, uh, he didn’t.” 

“By the look on your face, you know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, but he never told me. Caroline did.” She answered, apologetically. It wasn’t her fault, of course, but Olivia felt the need to apologize for it anyway. “I’m sorry.”

Elliot stopped right in front of her house and turned down the engine, sighing again. “I figured she would say something. It’s been years but- well, it’s a small town. People still talk about it. Especially around the holidays.”

“Why?”

“She comes home every year for Christmas.” He answered, then laughed awkwardly. “45 years later and still the biggest gossip in this town.”

“Because she got pregnant or because they cheated?”

“Because she didn’t lose the baby, she had an abortion.” He rolled his eyes. “And because they speculate if the kid was mine or Ed’s. No one really knows for sure, but she always said it was his so… I don’t know. It’s stupid. We were barely eighteen, none of us could take care of a baby. She made the choice she thought was better for her and for that I’m glad.”

“But you never forgave them?” 

He shrugged.

“Yeah. She was my fiancé and he was my best friend. I saw him as my brother. It was hard.” Elliot confessed, then looked behind her, to her house. “You should go inside, Noah has been glaring at the car since we parked.”

“I’m sorry again.” She apologized, not knowing what she was apologizing for at all but he nodded and smiled, watching her with fondness.. “Goodnight, El. And thank you.”

↔

Olivia walked down the streets, holding onto Noah’s arm. The whole town was blanketed in a layer of snow, creating a view that looked like it came right out of a Christmas movie. And it wasn’t even Christmas yet, it was more than a month away. The quaint streets were adorned with twinkling lights and the air was filled with the scent of pine and cinnamon. 

“It looks nice, right?” Noah pointed to the banner hanging between two ancient trees. “Winter Carnival.”

“Yeah, it does.” Olivia looked at the big Christmas tree set right at the center, visible from miles away and smiled, although sadly but turned her head so her son wouldn’t see it.

She noticed the colorful stalls offering hot cocoa, freshly baked treats and multiple arrays of winter-themed crafts. To her left, there was an enclosure with ice sculptures inside and dozens of people walking among it, taking pictures.

“Look, ice sculptures!” She said, pushing her son in that direction. Noah had always loved sculptures since he was very young and both her and Ed tried to encourage that passion in him. 

“Wow, that’s so cool.” The boy was mesmerized, his eyes shining when they got closer. “Mom, they’re amazing.”

“My Nana made the small ones.” A voice said, behind them and they both turned around quickly. Noah’s smile got bigger when he saw his friend and Olivia smiled too.

“Lizzie! Bernie did this?” She pointed at the smaller sculpture that looked like an angel and the girl nodded. “She’s so talented.”

“She loves art.” Lizzie said and stepped forward, stopping beside them. “My dad does too, but he doesn’t have hands for something like this. He’s too rough.”

Noah nodded, smiling. “You have talented hands for art too, Becca said you love to draw.” He pointed and Lizzie shrugged her shoulders, trying to seem nonchalant, but Olivia could see she loved the compliment.

“Yeah, I try.”

“I’d love to see some of your art.” Olivia said softly, resting her hand on the girl’s arm and she blushed.

“You guys like games?”

“We love games.” Noah answered. “Mom’s favorite is Scrabble because she likes to wipe the floor with everyone’s butt.”

“Well, then we have to play that someday because no one can beat my dad.” Lizzie said, almost challenging and Olivia found herself agreeing with that. She hadn’t seen Elliot in days, not since he drove her home that night and surprisingly, she wanted to see him again. “But I meant the Carnival games. Wanna try one?”

Noah squinted his eyes, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Are you challenging us to a competition?”

“Hell yeah, city boy.” Lizzie answered, crossing her arms too. “You and mom versus me and my dad.”

“Deal.” 

Olivia raised her eyebrows at her son, who had not asked her anything but she wouldn’t back down off a challenge. 

“Lead the way, kiddo. We’ll show you how we roll in the big city.” She said, trying to mimic Noah’s pose, but ended up getting laughs from the both of them.

Lizzie walked a few steps ahead of them, bypassing a lot of stalls with fun games with various prizes and they just followed her. She stopped at one of the stalls, one that was selling honey and leaned over the counter.

“Hey dad! Look who’s here.” 

Olivia’s heart started to beat faster when his bald head appeared and their eyes met. Her hair flew with the wind passing around her but that didn’t distract her from him, they kept staring at each other, with soft smiles adorning their mouths and a blush to their cheeks.

“We have a challenge.” Noah’s voice brought them back to the present and both of the kids were looking at them like they were from another planet.

“A challenge?” Elliot questioned, looking at his daughter and the girl nodded.

“Yes. We have to beat them in one game.”

Elliot turned to Olivia, and she smirked at him. “Well, do you accept it?”

“I never back down from a challenge. Just wait a second.” He lifted his finger and walked around the stall, walking towards their neighbors a few feet away. After a few seconds, he came back with Bernie right behind him. “Cover for me, Mama. I have to teach these two to never challenge a Stabler.”

Bernie grinned at them and waved them off. “Have fun, kids.”

“How about we give the ring toss a shot?” Olivia asked, pointing at the place and Elliot nodded his head, too confident for her liking. “I used to be pretty good at it back in the day.”

“Oh really? We’ll see about that.” He answered teasingly and Noah snickered.

“Mom was a cop, she has perfect aim.” 

“That’s because you’ve never seen my dad play this game.” Lizzie shoved his shoulder playfully and laughed. “Let’s see who the ring-toss champion is.”

“The loser chooses the rematch game” Noah said as they approached the ring toss stall. 

“Deal.”

The kid at the stall greeted them with an unenthusiastic smile.

“Five bucks, three shots.” He said boringly and Elliot pulled out his wallet at the same time Olivia did.

“No way, I’m paying.” He said, trying to push her hand away and giving the kid twenty before she could get any money. 

“Elliot, come on, let me pay for mine’s and Noah’s.”

“No, Liv. You guys already have to lose, I won’t let you pay.” He winked at her and Olivia huffed, deciding not to argue. He wanted to be a smug asshole, he may as well lose money while he was at it. “Ladies first.”

 She stepped up, holding a handful of rings the kid had given her. With a skillful flick of her wrist, she aimed for the bottles arranged in a pyramid; A satisfying clink echoed as one of her rings successfully encircled a bottle neck and she turned around, smirking.

“See? Still got it!”

“Beginner’s luck.” Lizzie said and took her turn, determined to outdo the woman. Her ring sailed through the air, narrowly missing a bottle and landing on the table. She groaned when Noah ruffled her hair. “Okay, maybe it’s not as easy as it looks.”

Then it was Noah’s turn, but just like Lizzie, the boy missed and rolled his eyes when Elliot cheered. Elliot then got his ring to successfully encircle a bottle right next to the one Olivia had, smiling confidently at her too. They took two more turns, and it was Elliot’s turn again.

“Let me show you kids how it’s done. If I get this one, we win.” He stepped up with confidence, his competitive spirit taking over when he winked at Olivia and she didn’t know either to punch him or kiss him. 

Tossing the ring, he managed to loop a ring around two bottles, earning appreciative cheers from the kid at the stall. Even he looked impressed. And Olivia’s urge to kiss him got stronger than the one to punch him.

“Looks like the champion has arrived.” He grinned, raising his arms and took the stuffed animal the kid gave him along with a small Christmas ornament. 

The stuffed animal was a weird looking cat and the ornament seemed like a cheap one, just a simple Live, Love, Laugh anyone could get for less than a dollar. And it was the one he handed to her.

“A consolation prize, partner.”

“Partner?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, you’re a cop. Cops need partners.” He looked at Noah. “Right?”

“Right!” Her traitor of a son agreed. 

She didn’t tell him she was a retired Captain and because of that she didn’t need a partner. 

“Okay then, partner .” She pushed his hand with the ornament away and reached for the ugly cat. “The ornament it’s too cheap to be a consolation prize.”

“Too cheap?” He laughed, raising the piece with a thoughtful face. For a second, she thought he would toss it away, but his other hand grabbed the ‘E’ at the end of Live and without effort, he broke it and showed it to her. “Now I’ll treasure it.”

Her eyes watered and her throat dried, her hands were sweating and she wanted to slap herself for getting so flustered over a simple gesture. Recomposing herself, she straightened her shoulders.

“Put it on your Christmas tree.” She said teasingly and he pocketed the ornament, nodding. “And we’ll play Scrabble as a rematch.” Her eyes sparkled when he stepped closer to her, stopping right before their noses touched. She could feel him surrounding her but not in a suffocating way. 

“Name the time and place, we’ll be there.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper and she felt his hot breath hitting her lips. His eyes were intensely blue, staring right into her soul and Olivia knew if she stared long enough, her knees would give out.

The chilly evening never stood a chance in making her shiver like Elliot had. Her entire body was tingling and trembling with anticipation from what he’d do, but he simply stepped back. His eyes didn’t leave her and for that she was thankful. 

She noticed how both Lizzie and Noah were looking at them with mischief and she felt ashamed for forgetting they were there at all. 

“I’ll show you what us Benson’s are made of.”

“I’m counting on it, partner.”

↔

Her living room was bathed in the warm glow of the fireplace, casting a comforting ambiance that matched their comforting pajamas and delicious hot cocoa. Olivia was wrapped in her blue blanket, extremely focused and engrossed on the board in front of her. By her left side, Noah was watching with annoyance. On her right, Lizzie was rolling her eyes, having given up on trying to catch up a long time ago.

Sitting on the floor, right in front of her, with a determined face and accumulated competitiveness, was Elliot Stabler. And Zoe was next to him, completely smitten by the tall bald headed man.

Olivia studied her tiles, her fingers tapping rhythmically on the wooden rack. She wore an expression of concentration, a mask that barely hid the mischievousness in her eyes. An appropriate response to his confident posture and lopsided smirk.

With a sly grin, she placed her tiles on the board. “Behold! Qapik! Triple word score.”

Elliot raised an eyebrow, barely glancing at Noah’s exaggerated sigh, and squinting at the arrangement of letters. “Qapik? Seriously, Liv? Is that even a word?” 

She leaned back with a triumphant grin, high-fiving Lizzie. She had already won the rematch and the kids had asked to switch teams. Elliot tried to team up with her against the teens, but Olivia, always the just one, said no and they did the boys vs girls. “Of course! It's an Inuit unit of currency. Perfectly legitimate." He pretended to ponder, rubbing his chin and looking at Noah.

“I think she just made that up.”

Noah crossed his arms, suspicious of his own mother. “I think so too.”

“You’re both sore losers. It’s a real word.” Olivia crossed her arms too, looking at Elliot. “Look it up.”

The man rolled his eyes, but reached for his phone. “Fine, let’s settle this once and for all. I’ll prove it.” He typed the word into the search engine, his eyes widening in mock surprise. “Well, I’ll be damned. It’s a real word.”

Olivia smiled smug, with her arms still crossed. “Told you. Never doubt my Scrabble skills.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got me on that.” He said, lifting his hands in a mock surrender but with his eyes staring deeply into hers with admiration and something else she was not ready to admit.

↔

The streets were blanketed in a pristine layer of snow that morning, creating a serene winter wonderland that added a festive touch to the holiday season. The snowflakes were gently descending from the overcast sky as she ventured inside the market. 

Wrapped in a cozy black winter coat, her breath visible in the crisp air, Olivia navigated through the bustling market with purpose. She had a list in hand, and had written everything she needed before leaving her house with the intention of not forgetting anything.

Especially Fin’s favorite beer.

The market was relatively small but it had a lot of people there. Even though it was pretty early in the morning. One girl waved at her as soon as their eyes met with a big smile, it was Becca and Olivia knew she was a chatter. 

Olivia walked at a leisurely pace, she wasn’t in a hurry, she had everything practically ready already since the day before, she just needed a few extra things.

The stalls were adorned with seasonal delights – vibrant fruits and vegetables, fragrant herbs and the warm aroma of freshly baked goods filled the air. She paused for a moment and picked up one of the ingredients she needed, turning around, she saw him. He was a few feet away from her, talking with a woman animatedly and that made her pause, deciding quickly not to go to him.

His sturdy frame made him easily recognizable even in the winter crowd and she felt like her legs wouldn’t move. Olivia hadn’t seen him since the night they played Scrabble and that had been a week before. She spent a lot of days dealing with the NYPD and their bureaucracy so she barely had time to leave her house, let alone see the handsome bald-headed man who made her heart pound hard every time he looked at her.

She had missed his company, and Lizzie’s. They had dinner that night, they talked and laughed with the kids and after both of them fell asleep playing video games on her couch, Olivia suggested they share a bottle of wine on her porch.They talked and talked for hours it seemed. Talked about their kids, their lives, everything really. Even Ed. 

It was always hard to talk to people about her husband and how he died, mostly because everyone she talked to knew Ed. Elliot knew him too, but it was different from her friends who used to see him almost everyday. 

Oliva missed that, he made her feel so comfortable in his presence, like she could actually open up to him, tell him everything about her and he’d never judge. She wanted more of nights like that and it scared her, but at the same time, it felt normal and natural. 

Like he had heard the turmoil inside her mind, Elliot turned around, just glancing through the crowd and their eyes met. For a few seconds, they just stared at each other as if the whole world around them had gone quiet for the time being, but then he smiled, acknowledging her. Her knees almost gave out and Olivia wanted to curse at herself. 

Elliot had the power to make her nervous like a teenager. The first time, she blamed the jumpscare he gave her, but then he showed up at her house when she called, dressed in jeans and a leather jacket and her heart pounded hard the same way. 

And she was expecting him.

Watching him dig that hole, showing his strong and large arms and then interacting with Noah, teaching him patiently and gently how to plant the tree made her uncomfortably wet. She barely knew the man and that pissed her off.

And Olivia blamed that on the fact that it had been ages since she had sex and she probably was just touch deprived.

But then every time they interacted, her heart beated faster and faster, even through the smallest interaction.

She watched as he said goodbye to the woman he was talking to and Olivia hurried herself to look busy and pretend not to notice him approaching from the corner of her eye.

“Hey, partner.” He said animatedly and she looked up at him. She actually had to look up since she wasn’t wearing heels, just her flat winter boots as he towered over her.

“Oh, Elliot, hi!” 

“How are you doing?” Elliot asked, shuffling his hands inside the pocket of his winter jacket. “I’ve been meaning to call you, I wanted to ask about your tree, just didn’t have time.”

“Oh, it’s alright.” She waved him off, adjusting the shopping basket in her arm. “We followed your advice about watering and it looks beautiful in my garden. It still looks the same height to me but Noah swears it has grown already.”

He laughed, nodding his head. “He’s probably right, by the way, but you won’t notice the change until she’s really big.” Olivia crocked an eyebrow and he rolled his eyes. She had noticed the way he liked to refer to his trees and she couldn’t help but find that simply adorable. “It's great to hear that she’s thriving, trees have a way of bringing warmth to a home, especially during the holidays.” His eyes had softened all of a sudden, looking intensely at her and Olivia felt her cheeks reddening. “I’m glad she’s in a good spot.”

Feeling brave, she smiled. “Well I did have an expert helping me pick out the perfect one.” Elliot rolled his eyes amused and nodded his head.

“Any tree you’d pick would be the perfect one, Olivia.” She looked at him surprised by his words and he used that to take the shopping basket from her gently. “Let me carry this for you while you keep me company and I shop for a few things Mama asked me.”

“I can carry my own basket.” Olivia fired back, feigning annoyance. She wasn’t annoyed with him at all, but she did get annoyed at herself for feeling her stomach flutter at his words.

“Never said you couldn’t.” It was his answer, not offended at all, in fact he started walking ahead of her, holding her damn basket and she rolled her eyes, following behind him. 

↔

“Oh, c’mon, ‘Manda that’s not true at all.” Fin exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air and rolling his eyes when the blonde woman started to laugh. “Bullshit.”

Olivia snapped her head into his direction. “Language, there’s kids around.”

“Pretty sure they’ve heard worse from that one.” He mumbled, pointing at Amanda then sighed. It was almost midnight and they were the only ones in the kitchen, the kids were in the living room talking animatedly with each other, playing with Zoe and Noah, being the oldest between them, was keeping everyone occupied.

 “Alright then, tell me about this Coopers-fuckingnowhere-town. You likin’ it?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s actually great. Noah made some friends already and they’ll probably be in the same class next year.” She said with a smile on her face and Fin copied. He always loved seeing his best friend happy and it had been a very long time since he saw that on her face. “And uh, aunt Carol is… aunt Carol.” They laughed, nodding. Both of them knew the woman very well.

“It seems like everything is working out.” Amanda commented, bringing her glass of wine to her lips. “And you’re looking happy. We’re happy for you, Liv. Retirement is treating you well.”

“As you deserve it.” Fin complemented and Olivia blushed under her friends admiring gazes.

“Indeed.” Phoebe backed them up, raising her glass.

“Thanks, guys. Really, I don’t know what I’d do without any of you.” She turned to Amanda with a sad smile. “I’m sorry Carisi couldn’t come with you and the girls, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“We’re more than glad to be here, cap. And uh… how’s everything? Really?” 

They knew her too well and that question was to be expected if she was really honest with herself. And she was even more surprised about how long it took them to ask that, but both of them knew her very well. They knew her enough to know she wouldn’t talk before at least two glasses of wine.

“It’s- uh… Not easy, I’d say, but easier than I thought.” Olivia answered, trying to be the most honest she could be. “His new friends are great kids, everyone in this town already knows him and uh…” She inhaled and exhaled softly, looking at the living room to her baby boy. “He stopped mentioning Ed after we planted the tree. Sometimes he just stares out of the window in silence.”

“Do you think it helped?” Phoebe asked, gently.

“Yeah, yeah.” Olivia nodded, looking back at her friends. Her family. “I think it did. He is calmer and I don’t want to pressure him into talking to me, I just always make sure not to exclude his dad or avoid the topic if he brings it up.”

“What about you, Liv?” Amanda probed and Olivia knew it was what she wanted to know when she first asked. “How are you doing?”

“And don’t say fine.” Fin warned.

“Then I’ll stay quiet.” She retorted, rolling her eyes at him, but softened seconds later. “I’m doing okay, guys. Really. It’s been two years now and I think I’m finally moving past it.”

“Even with Christmas coming?” Amanda was always the relentless one and Olivia knew she’d give Lindstrom a run for his money if she decided to act like Olivia’s therapist.

Christmas for her was always hard, no exception. She always hated everything the holiday stood for, having grown up with someone like Serena. She never got any presents nor decorated any trees, in fact, Serena always made sure Christmas was spent like any other day, drinking and leaving the poor girl all alone.

When Ed came into her life, he made her love Christmas. The magic. The hope. He introduced her to every little tradition they had in his family and when Noah was born, they both committed to teach him that too. Ed was the soul of Christmas in their family.

And when he shot himself in the head, three days before Christmas day, all of that vanished from her like a cloud driven by the wind. 

“Yeah, even with Christmas coming.” She nodded, this time not looking into their eyes.

↔

They walked out of the store in silence, noticing the Christmas lights in every building around them and even the street lamps had decorations. Noah was pointing at every single Christmas tree he could see and Olivia’s mood was getting worse by the second.

“When will we get ours?” He asked, suddenly and Olivia fought hard not to flinch at the question. She had been avoiding it.

“What, Noah?” 

“Our tree. Christmas tree.” He said it like it was obvious. And indeed it was, but she just wished he would forget the whole thing. 

“I don’t know, Noah. It’s still early December.”

“And? Dad always got our tree right after Thanksgiving.” He mumbled, looking at his feet. Before she could answer anything, he started to walk faster ahead, sulking. 

It had been a shock to her, it was the first time he had mentioned Ed since the olive tree was planted and honestly, she didn’t know what to do with that. 

“Noah, wait!” Olivia quickened her pace to catch up with him and grabbed his elbow gently. “Wait, please.”

“Leave me alone, mom.” He pulled back his arm, without looking at her and kept walking. “I’ll be at Becca’s, go home and… whatever.”

They didn’t argue, not at all. Sometimes she’d have to talk firmly with him so he’d listen, but they never had any disagreements. And she knew they hadn’t argued about the tree, but the weight of their interaction settled in her chest heavily. 

She watched him walk away, shoulders slumped down the street lit by Christmas lights, casting long shadows as he ambled down the sidewalk, dodging people left and right and even ignoring some who talked to him. A single tear traced its way down her cheek and she quickly wiped away, not wanting to cry in public.

“You alright there?” The voice made her jump, almost dropping the cell phone she had in hand and when Olivia looked behind her, she saw Elliot’s apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s fine.” Olivia waved him off, trying to calm her racing heart then she turned her head around, trying to find her son but he had disappeared into the streets.

“You’re okay, Liv?” He asked genuinely concerned, looking in the same direction as her. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Elliot. It’s fine.” She tried to walk past him, already feeling the tears wanting to fall, but he stopped her, stepping in her path and taking her gently into his arms, her forehead resting against his chest. “He hates me.”

Elliot stroked her back and kissed the top of her head. “He doesn’t hate you. He misses his dad, more so now.”

“He does hate me. I can’t barely think about Christmas without remembering about Ed shoo-”

“Sh, shh don’t.” He hugged her tightly and her tears fell harder, but silently. “One step at a time, okay? Come on, let’s go to the shop. He’ll be fine, Lizzie’s with Becca too, I’ll text her to keep an eye on him.”

She didn’t have strength to do anything but nod and agree to whatever he was saying. He led her through the streets until they got to his shop and hushed her inside, locking the door behind them. Bernie was nowhere to be seen. The whole shop was adorned with Christmas decorations and right next to the register, was a big Christmas tree with beautiful red and green lights. 

Olivia wiped away her tears and walked to the tree, to look closely. All the ornaments seemed to be hand made and she loved every single one of them. Her eye caught one in specific and widened in surprise. 

“You kept this?” She asked, turning around to find him. Elliot was standing a few feet away from her and he nodded, his eyes softened when he walked closer.

“I told you I’d treasure it.” He answered simply, putting his hand on her arm and turning her back to the tree, pointing at the other ornaments. “We only put up the ones that mean something. It can represent a moment, a person, a feeling. It doesn’t matter what, we put it up.”

She touched the Liv, Love, Laugh ornament and breathed in and out softly. “And this one? Represents a person, moment or feeling?”

“All of the above.” His hand went to her hip, turning her around gently. “The person? You. The moment? Best Winter Carnival I’ve ever had.”

“And the feeling?” She asked, practically whispering and with her eyes glued to his.

“Happiness.” 

She sucked in a breath.

“Love.”

Olivia felt a warmth spreading through her, a mixture of surprise and joy that settled in her chest. The weight of her emotions seemed to lift, the drowning sadness from before replaced by a comforting certainty that she was cherished.

“Elliot…” She whispered his name, her hands going to the back of his neck. Her eyes searching his for confirmation, for reassurance that this wasn’t just a fleeting moment. 

She wanted to kiss him so bad but he wasn’t leaning into her, nor seemed like he would anytime soon. And Olivia didn’t want to be the one to make the move and risk being wrong about the whole thing. 

He smiled, his gaze unwavering. He always seemed to know what she was thinking. “I want to kiss you.”

Olivia nodded, but he shook his head.

“Not now, Liv. You’re vulnerable at this moment and I’ll never take advantage of you.” His hand found hers at the back of his neck, fingers interlacing as he lowered one of her hands to his chest. “Don’t take this as rejection, please. Make no mistake, I will kiss you but just not right now.”

Tightening her hold on his hand, she sighed heavily. “I’m not gonna lie, what I’m feeling right now sucks but uh… I get it. And after I’m calmer, I know it’s gonna feel like the right decision. So that uh- that means a lot. Means a lot that you care that much about me.”

“More than you could ever know.” Elliot replied, his thump tracing circles on her hand. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Thank you.” She said, her voice filled with sincerity. “For everything.”

Elliot’s responde was a gentle squeeze of her hand, a silent acknowledgement and she smiled, feeling comforted and safe for the first time in two years.

“Can you help me pick a Christmas tree for my son?”

↔

“I’m sorry, Liv. We’re doing everything we can to wrap this up but… uh…”

Olivia breathed in and out, slowly, swallowing the disappointment and overwhelming sadness before answering her best friend.

“It’s alright, Fin. I understand better than anyone, you know that.” She said, fiddling with the keychain that was in her hand. Looking out her kitchen window, she saw her baby boy chatting animatedly with Becca, Lizzie and Jake. “He’ll understand too.”

“I know but… It’s Christmas, Liv. It’s uh-”

“I know, Fin. I’ll talk to him.”

“I don’t want you guys spending Christmas alone.” She looked out again, when both Noah and Lizzie laughed out loud. “It’s your second Christmas without…”

“Believe me, I haven’t forgotten that.” Olivia snapped, but regretted the second after. Fin didn’t say anything, at all, just waited. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Liv. I’m worried ‘bout you both. Me and ‘Manda we uh-”

“Fin, it’s alright. I’ll talk to him, he’ll understand. Don’t worry.” She sighed, putting down the keychain. The noise was already irritating her. “Catch the perp, close the case and rest. Don’t worry about us.”

She sighed again, after hanging up. Neither Fin, Phoebe, Carisi or Amanda would be able to come to Christmas dinner. She had told him it was fine, they wouldn’t be alone, Caroline was hosting dinner at her place but she had told him that so they wouldn’t feel guilty. The truth was Caroline was going upstate to her friend’s house since Olivia had assured her they wouldn’t be alone. 

Well, that plan went to shit.

“Hey, Noah, can you come here for a sec?” She called out from the backdoor and the kid nodded, walking towards her quickly.

“What, mom?” He was so happy, carefree and with a sparkle to his eyes. He was so excited to spend Christmas with his Uncle Fin and Uncle Sonny and he also loved the Carisi’s girls. 

Olivia caressed his face, catching one of his curls between her fingers. “Uncle Fin just called, they won’t be able to come to Christmas dinner. I’m sorry, honey.”

He was quiet, for a while, then shrugged and her heart broke when she saw him trying to hold back his tears.

“It’s fine, mom. The job right?” He said, trying to sound nonchalant but she could see right past him. Before Olivia could say anything, he lifted his head and smiled. “Can I go to Lizzie’s with Becca and Jake? Her mom is making lasagna tonight and invited us.”

She wanted to argue, wanted to ask him to come inside and talk it through, but Olivia knew no good would ever come out of that. Not now, anyway. So she nodded.

“Yeah, yeah.” Olivia waved him off. “Tell Kathy I said hello.”

Noah sprinted back to his friends, faltering his steps when he stopped in front of them. Lizzie was the first one to reach his arm, stroking lightly and smiling gently at him. She smiled, even though it was sad, watching her boy finally making good friends. 

Becca was the one to walk him home after they fought and that night, with Elliot’s and Lizzie’s help, they put up the tree and decorated it. She looked behind her, where the tree was and from her spot, she could perfectly see the ugly cat Elliot had won and she had put it up on her tree.

Noah wasn’t the only one to make good friends in Cooperstown.

↔

“It’s kinda great, you know.” Elliot said, pointing at the new table she had bought it. “You picked?” She smiled and nodded, looking over her shoulder to see. 

“Yeah, it was on sale and we needed a new one. The one we had here was falling apart.” They were sitting at the counter, both with a glass of wine in hand and talking while both kids were at a birthday party. 

“It must be a nightmare to have a birthday three days before Christmas.” He had said after a few seconds of silence and she hummed in agreement. “What are you both doing for Christmas?”

Olivia was wondering when the question would come out of his mind. Noah and Lizzie were both invited to the birthday party of the twins boys next door and Elliot had suggested they had their own little get together while he waited for his daughter. He even offered to cook for her and she had said yes! It wasn’t like his house was extremely far away he couldn’t drive back then pick the kid up later, but she didn’t mention that.

“Uh, it’ll be just us actually. My friends won’t be able to come, they caught a big case and they’re swamped.” She said, shrugging her shoulders. 

Elliot opened his mouth then closed it, then did it again. Each time it seemed like he wanted to say something but chickened out every time.

“What, El?”

“Why don’t you and Noah come to my place this weekend? We’re having a little Christmas get together.” He said it like it  was the most normal, simple thing in the world.

Her mind was filled with doubts and fear about this… thing… between them. It was Christmas. It was Ed’s favorite time of the year, the second one they would spend without him and the first she ran from her own son, afraid. Was she ready for something like this? Honestly, she didn’t think so.

“Elliot…” She shook her head, getting up from the stool and avoiding his eyes.

“Please.” He said, taking her free hand into his and pulling her softly, making her look at his big blue irises. “Just come.” 

Her knees trembled by the intensity of his stare and by his soft caressing on her hand where he was holding on so tightly. His smell invaded her nostrils and she couldn’t help herself but compare. Ed always smelled like shaving cream and coffee, but Elliot smelled like pine, cedar and sometimes sandalwood, but oh so naturally. It was different, not better, but different. 

She thought, before moving to Cooperstown, everything would remind her of Ed. It was his hometown, his place, his friends, his family but she was so wrong. New York was Ed’s, her hometown was his in a way it had never been hers. Not like this town. This place had become hers and Noah’s.

Like it had no space for him. 

And that made her feel guilty. She loved her husband so damn much and it felt like a betrayal. Especially with another man involved.

“Just come, Liv.” He repeated, at her door, when the party was over and Lizzie was already waiting for him and the car and just like in the kitchen, she simply smiled small and closed the door.

↔

“It wasn’t your fault.” Lindstrom told her, looking at her with precise attention through the camera. She didn’t want to find another therapist and he had said before she left NYC they could have her sessions online. “You did everything you could, Olivia.”

“I should have done more, I should have noticed…” She shook her head, wiping away her tears as she spoke. “He wasn’t fine, everyone knew that but I…”

“Olivia you had your hands full. Ed was sick, Noah was having trouble at school and you had your entire squad to take care of. You were doing your best.” He said vehemently and Olivia nodded. “But we already went through this, Olivia. What’s on your mind? How are things going?”

“Uh, everything is fine.” She said, picking the hem of her shirt. “We uh, we’re having a quiet Christmas. Fin, Amanda and the rest can’t make it here for the holiday.”

“I’ve heard. The U.S Senator, right?” She nodded.

“Yeah, it’s uh, it’s a mess. So it’s just the two of us. Caroline is in Buffalo at her friend’s so uh… yeah, just me and Noah.” Olivia told the man and tried to smile, but Lindstrom kept staring at her, waiting. “We were invited to a Christmas dinner.”

He nodded. “By who?”

“Uh, the Stablers. Noah is friends with Lizzie and her dad invited us, he’s the uh owner of the tree shop in town.” 

“You’re not going?”

“No, of course not. It’s his family. Their family, I don’t want to interrupt.” Olivia answered like the question had offended her.

“Well, why would he invite you and Noah?”

She knew where her therapist was going with this, had been doing this dance for almost ten years now and she knew every trick in his book. 

“We’re friends.” Keep it plain and simple. Fin would be mad to know she was lying to her therapist again. But Lindstrom simply stared. “We almost kissed, once.” Again, he kept silent. “Well, I almost kissed him. He stopped it.”

Lindstrom frowned. “Did he not want to kiss you?”

Olivia was silent for a while, thinking. She knew he wanted to kiss her, he had said it himself and tried his best to assure her he wasn’t rejecting her advances. And he was so sweet about it too.

“No, uh… he said it was a vulnerable moment for me and he didn’t want to take advantage of that.” She explained taking a deep breath. 

“He seems like a great guy.” The therapist said a little reluctant trying to read her by the expressions on her face but Olivia was the type of person who almost never showed emotions that clearly. 

At the same time, Zoe started to scratch the door wanting to go outside in the backyard. She knew her dog and knew very well the golden retriever would absolutely run off if left alone, so she picked up her laptop and walked outside to sit on the picnic table. It was snowing and it was cold as fuck but what Zoe wanted…

“I’ll be watching you, missy so don’t try me.” She warned her and sat down, turning to her therapist again. “I’m sorry, she’s in a mood this morning. What was your question?”

He smiled, waving her off. “Didn’t ask one, just said he seems like a great guy.”

Olivia nodded. “He is.”

“Then what seems to be the problem? You wanted to kiss him, he judged that the moment wasn’t right and invited you to spend Christmas with him and his family.”

What was the problem? Everything and nothing at the same time. How to explain that without sounding like a complete lunatic? 

“Too soon.” She mumbled, rolling her eyes at herself. “I think it’s too soon.”

“Ed?” Olivia nodded. “For you or for Noah?”

“Both.”

He didn’t ask anymore, just waited again.

“I think more for Noah.” It was his turn to nod. “I love my husband, that’ll never change but as cruel as it sounds it’s something that I can move forward. I can have another husband. My son can't have another father, he was his dad. It’s not… it’s not replaceable or… I don’t know.”

“Does not mean you have to be alone for the rest of your life. Noah is a great kid, you both raised him well. Just make it clear to him that if he has any problems with your choices, he can come to you. You deserve happiness, Olivia.”

↔

“They‘ll be here, stop obsessing.” Kathy said, swatting his hand away from the tree and from the ornament she had seen earlier when they carried the tree from the shop to Bernie’s house. The one his cheeks got bright red when she asked about it. “Go help your mom and Lizzie set the table.” 

He rolled his eyes, but did what she asked, moving away from the tree and the ornament. At the kitchen, his mother was finishing decorating the dish she wouldn’t tell anyone what was named nor what it had inside while Lizzie was finishing putting the last two plates at the table.

“You guys need any help?” He looked between his daughter and mother and they both shrugged and shook their heads. Elliot turned around to Kathy. “Well, what time are John and the kids getting here?” 

“They’re probably almost here, he was just picking them up.” As if on clue, the front door opened and their loud voices filled the entire house.

“We’re here!” Kathy’s husband's voice echoed through the house and they all turned around to see him walking inside holding his children's hands. Maggie was in front of him, already slipping her hand away from his and Kevin imitated his sister. “Look who we found outside!” John said opening space behind him so they could see and Elliot breath caught on his throat.

“Liv…” He murmured, almost hypnotized by her. She had a shy smile on her face and a grip on her child’s shoulder, like she was trying to hide behind him.

“Hey, guys.” She said looking around and Noah immediately went to hug Lizzie, one of his best friends and greet everyone else with a hug too. 

Elliot walked to her like a moth to a flame, never taking his eyes off her. Not even when her kid high fived him. She was looking at him intensely and he noticed when he stopped in front of her that she had a bottle in her hand.

“I brought wine.” Olivia said weakly, holding up the bottle. He knew he was supposed to take it from her, but he wanted his hands free. “I ran into your mom yesterday and she told me not to bring anyth-“

Her voice died on her throat when he pulled her for a hug. A tight hug like he hadn’t seen her in ten years and not a few days. She could hear his heart beating fast from where her head was against his chest and it didn’t take her long to recuperate. 

The noise in the house faded in the background and all she could hear was his heart and his soft breathing against her head. His hands were caressing her back up and down, softly. Gently. It felt so much more than a simple greeting hug. This was not it. 

It felt more because it was more.

“I’m glad you came.” It was a thank you hug. “Thought I blew my chances with you that day.”

Olivia frowned and pulled her head back to look at him without taking her hands away from his waist. “Why?”

“I don’t know, you seemed off and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or offended you.” He said still caressing her back and she smiled, shaking her head negatively.

“You didn’t. You did everything right, El and I thank you for respecting me enough to stop anything from happening.” She said. The talk with her therapist made her think and realize she was doing things out of fear and she needed to stop. Noah was okay, she was okay, everything was okay. 

She had no reason to be afraid. 

“I want to find balance here.” She said, this time looking around the house. Everyone else was busy, or pretending to be, and ignoring them still close to the door. “In… whatever this is.”

“We can uh…” His hands stop at her waist, gripping her with a little more force. “We can call it a friendship. If that’s what you want.”

She tilted her head, frowning. It wasn’t what she wanted. “We’re already friends. And-“

“Look, mistletoe!” Lizzie’s strident voice interrupted her and they turned their heads to the girl, and her finger was pointing to somewhere above their heads. 

Slowly they looked up.

“Well, it is a mistletoe.” Elliot said confused and looked back at her with wide eyes. “I had nothing to d-“

She knew he didn’t put that up but didn’t care. Her fingers gripped the collar of his shirt, pulling him for a kiss. It was everything she didn’t know she needed. His mouth tasted like coffee and cinnamon, delicious like she knew it would be. His lips were soft, gentle, taking only what she was willing to give. Nothing more. 

Her fingertips played with the collar of his shirt, her nails scratching the back of his neck lightly. His hands were still at her waist and his grip tightened even more, but she knew everyone was watching and they needed to stop. She needed to stop.

Gently, Olivia put her hand on his chest and applying the slightest pressure, he stopped and pulled back immediately searching for any trace of regret in her eyes.

“We have an audience.” She whispered against his lips and he laughed, nodding and hugging her right to his chest. 

When their bodies separated and they gathered the courage to look at everyone else, they both saw how everybody was staring right at them with soft smiles and a sparkle to their eyes. Bernie was smirking in the back, close to the table, Kathy and her husband were holding each other smiling at them and Noah and Lizzie were sitting at the couch, looking over their shoulders with a big grin on their faces. The only ones uninterested in these were the littles, Maggie and Kevin, who were too busy playing on their cellphones to care.

“We can leave if you guys want.” Noah snickered with no heat in his voice, making Lizzie giggle. 

“Let them kids have fun.” The girl said, hitting his shoulder and making both Olivia and Elliot roll their eyes. 

“Mind your business.” Elliot said to them, guiding Olivia further into the house. 

This time, she greeted his family properly. Hugging Kathy and John and attempting to say hello to their children, but being completely ignored. Bernie welcomed her with open arms still grinning like a fool.

“I’m happy for you, dear. You deserve this.” The old woman whispered in her ear. “You deserve happiness.”

“He does too.” Olivia whispered back, not letting go of her.

“That’s all I ever wanted for him. Happiness. And you make him happy.” Bernie patted her back and turned around to her family. “Let’s eat, everybody. Food’s on the table.”

They all rushed to serve their plates. Olivia had to remind Noah twice that the food wouldn’t run away from him and he mumbled something like grandma’s food and delicious and something else too she couldn’t catch because his mouth was already full.

Olivia felt Elliot’s arms circling her waist as he stopped right beside her, watching everyone serving their plates while talking loudly. It was chaos. It was everything she wasn’t used to. 

It was everything she always wanted.

“Not gonna eat?” 

“I’ll wait until they sit down.” She said, holding her own plate and he nodded. “Thanks for inviting me. I think I needed this. We needed. Me and Noah.”

“You’re both family.” He shrugged and smirked. “And a pretty good kisser.”

She rolled her eyes, lovingly. “There’s plenty more where that came from.” 

Elliot turned her in his arms, making her face him and their chests pressed into each other, with the plate awkwardly between them.

“I can’t wait to find out.” His voice was dreamy and his eyes soft, watching her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“And I can’t wait to show you.” She kissed again, this time just because she wanted and she was allowed to. “And to be clear, I don’t wanna be friends.”

He smiled, his mouth hovering over hers. “Good. I don’t wanna be friends either.”

↔

2 years later

“Come on, come on. We’re gonna be late.” She rushed him downstairs, holding the door tightly and watching Zoe like a hawk knowing the dog would splint outside like a lightning at any given chance. 

“We’re not gonna be late.” Elliot answered walking down the stairs, adjusting his tie and pecking her lips. “Stop worrying. Fin is already there holding our seats and growling at everyone around him. It’s fine.”

“Well, if you don’t hurry with this tie…” She took it from his hands, fixing up for him herself. “… we’re gonna be really late.”

“You were the one who couldn’t keep your hands to yourself when you saw me in this suit.” He said smirking and Olivia rolled her eyes.

“It’s not everyday I see you in something like these.” She answered, shrugging her shoulders. He was divine in the suit and it made her mouth watered when she saw him. “So it’s your fault not mine. And now we’re gonna be late for their Christmas Pageant. Noah is already sad his aunt Amanda couldn’t come yesterday and will get here tomorrow, so…”

He gripped her shoulders, shaking her slightly and making her drop the tie. “We’re fine, Liv. Lizzie and Noah aren’t the firsts on the stage, the little ones are.”

“Okay, okay.” She nodded, going back to fixing his tie. After a few seconds, she patted his chest with a proud smile. “All done.” When she looked up, he was staring into the wall. “What is it, El?”

He shook his head, giving her a weak smile and another peck to her lips but Olivia wasn’t fooled that easily so she kept staring at him.

“Nothing… just… wish Mama was still here with us.” He explained, pulling her to a hug. “To see us this happy.” 

“She is.” Olivia kissed his covered chest, squeezing his waist. “She knows we’re stupidly happy. And she’s probably just nodding up there with a proud smile on her face every time we say this.”

“You’re right. She is.”

“Exactly. I’m always right.” It was Elliot’s turn to roll his eyes.

Elliot pulled the pendant that was hanging between her breasts with a smirk on his mouth, dropping the subject. “Did you like your Christmas gift?”

She patted his chest, with a proud smile. “All done.” He squinted at her for ignoring his question. “Yes, I did. It’s lovely. But unnecessary.”

“Why?” Elliot frowned, looking again at the compass necklace. 

“I don’t need a compass. I already found my home and happiness.” Her hand squeezed his. “I love you, Mr. Stabler.”

“I love you, Mrs. Stabler.”