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Alexander wrung his hair out, smiling a little at Laurens, “I don’t know how any humans survive! Watching you swim…it’s like watching a blind dog try to find a silent squirrel!”
“That makes zero sense. Dog’s can smell, I’m sure it would find it that way.” Laurens picked up his shirt from the bank. It was dry as they had elected to undress before diving in today.
“That’s not the point. The point is your legs just…flop around while you swim!”
“Oh shut it. You walk funny!”
“I do not!”
“Yes you do!”
Hamilton gave John a playful shove, only to be shoved back twice as hard, causing him to nearly fall backwards into a nearby shrub. John grabbed him by the waist, catching him and bringing him close. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment, before breaking out into laughter.
“Looks like I'm falling for you, Jack!”
Laurens placed Hamilton back on his feet, before continuing to dress, “Hurry up and get dressed, they’ll be missing us back at headquarters.” John threw Hamilton’s shirt at him, smiling.
“You say ‘headquarters’ like it’s an actual building. I can’t wait ‘till we move camps and can sleep under an actual roof again.”
The walk back to headquarters was swift, filled with their talking and laughing. The field of tents that was serving as their camp came into view as Hamilton was putting the last of his clothes to rights. They strolled into Headquarters, finding Meade sorting the personal correspondence that had arrived that morning. Meade looked up as they entered, “There you two are! Hamilton, run this pile to the General, would you?” He slid the largest pile of letters towards him, “Oh, and Laruens, this pile is yours.” He slid a small pile to Laurens.
There were no personal letters to Hamilton. There never were. All the people he cared about were in camp with him. There was no Family left to write to him, as his brother hadn’t returned his letters in months. Alexander hoped he hadn’t died…and even if he had, it would just be one more loss to add to his Family line. There was no one left.
Alexander picked up the letters, “Walk with me, Laurens, we have to pass by the General’s tent to get to ours anyway.”
The pair departed, walking along the lines of tents until they reached the General’s. Alexander ducked inside for a moment, leaving Laurens standing alone. He looked down at the letters in his hand…One from his father, one from his sister, the usual. He paused as he reached the third letter, recognizing the handwriting…
Martha.
His wife, whom he left in London while he came to fight for the revolution. The letter no doubt carried news of his daughter, whom he had never met. As he heard the General and Hamilton say their goodnights, he tucked the letter away into his jacket, not in any hurry to confess that Hamilton was indeed his piece on the side.
Alexander exited the General’s tent, smiling. “There’s no more work to be done for the night. We can retire early.”
God, Hamilton was insatiable. They had just had relations in the pond not an hour ago!
The walk back to their own tent was quiet, the air musty and the candles not lit. John took to lighting them as Alexander tied the flaps closed. Hamilton turned, smiling as his eyes found john. He took his lover over to the bed, grabbis his coat to shed it, sending the letter falling to the floor. Hamilton flushed, “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t know you had something tucked away!” Alexander picked it up, looking at the name on the front, “Who’s writing is this? It doesn’t look like your fathers…”
Laurens swallowed nervously, “My…my sister. It’s from my sister.”
“You’re a shit liar, Jack.” Alex eyed him, “What’s in here you don’t want me to see?”
“Nothing!” John made a grab for the letter, “Just…personal stuff!”
“If you’re in trouble, I would like to know about it!”
“No, this is something I have to deal with alone.”
“So there is something wrong!” Alexander broke the seal and began to read,
”To my Dearest, John,
It has been some time since I heard from you last. I was beginning to wonder if your reply had been lost in the post! A wife should not go so long without hearing from her husband! Your little daughter is well, just recovered from a bout of fever—”
Alexander turned to John, “You’re married.” It wasn’t a question.
“...yes.”
“Married, with a child and you didn’t think to tell me?”
“I didn’t think it was important!”
“Didn’t think it was…” Alexander trailed off, looking at the letter in his hands, “Why wouldn’t it be important?”
“Because I don’t really love her, Alexander! I knocked her up, and we had to get married! I don’t love her like I love you.”
“And what about after the war?”
“What about it?”
“When the war is over, you’ll have her to go back to.”
“She’s all the way in London! It would take months for her to get here!”
“But she will come after the war.”
“Yes. She will be coming after the war is won.”
“And what of me?”
“What are you—”
Alexander gave a shuddering sigh, “You’re all I have, Jack. I have no family, no one. You’re the only person I can count on to still be with me after the war is over!” He was pacing now, in that frantic way he always did when he was upset.
Laurens sat on the bed, “What does that have to do with anything?”
“It has to do with everything! Where will I go after this war is won when you settle in with your blushing bride?”
“Alexander…you didn’t think this would continue after the war, did you?”
Hamilton stopped in his tracks, turning to John, his eyes shining with tears, “I don’t know what I thought. I thought that I meant more to you than this.”
“You’re not thinking logically, Alexander. In camp, It’s much easier to hide who we are to each other, others are willing to be more discrete…after this war…society will go back to the way it was and we will be expected to go our separate ways.”
“That's all this is to you? I’m just some…some wartime fling?”
“That’s not at all what I’m saying!”
“Maybe you didn’t hear yourself because that's exactly what you said! I’m not going to let you abandon me just like everyone else!” He went to the tent flap, yanking the tied cord free, “I’m sleeping in the pond tonight.” he breezed from the tent, not even bothering to secure the flap behind him.
The entire staff could tell something was wrong with them. No one in the Family was privy to the true nature of their relationship, just believing them close friends and not lovers. Nevertheless, the sudden rift between them was obvious. Hamilton didn’t say one word to Laurens the entire next day, instead brushing him off. When they were forced to speak, Hamilton’s words were clipped, a far cry from his usual thirty minute speeches. Laurens had reflected on his word’s the night before, not understanding what had his Hamilton so upset…he was under the impression that their…carnal relationship was limited just to the duration of the war. He couldn’t imagine losing Hamilton’s friendship at the conclusion of this fight.
The world was a dangerous place for the kind of relationship they wanted to have. Too risky. Hamilton had so much to give to this world, and if he lost his life due to Laurens, John could never forgive himself…Alexander could be so much more if he was given the chance.
Lafayette cornered Laurens after dinner that night, pulling him into a dark corner in between two tents, “What have you said to Hamilton?”
Laurens blinked, “What?”
“Do not play with me! You and Hamilton are fighting, what have you said to him?”
“Does it matter? We’re just…having a fight.”
“That much is obvious. He is avoiding you like the plague!”
John scoffed, “Yeah, I’m a plague to him.”
Lafayette frowned, crossing his arms, “I do not like seeing my best friends fight. Kiss and make up!”
John startled a bit. Did Lafayette know? How could he have known? He and Hamilton had been so careful to not let anyone know the true nature of their relationship. Kisses had always been behind closed doors, they were quiet, and often retreated to the nearest body of water to spend time below the waves. John swallowed nervously, “Excuse me?”
“Isn’t that what Americans say? Kiss and make up when you fight, yes?”
“...yes. But that’s just an expression!”
“I’m aware, mon ami. Just make it right.” Lafayette clapped him on the shoulder, leaning in close, and whispering, “If you have broken his heart, I will be breaking your arm. You may be one of my best friends, but Hamilton has given his heart to you.” He smiled, breezing away, leaving Laurens alone.
So Lafayette did know, and just hadn’t said anything. It made sense, Laurens supposed. Being French, Lafayette wouldn’t have the aversion to their type of relationship that the others around them would. John swallowed. It didn’t matter that Lafayette had figured it out, but it did matter that he was able to. They obviously had not been careful enough. What had given them away? The pair had not changed how they behaved in front of others, keeping up the friendly disposition they had before, careful not to let touches linger, not to get that doe-eyed in-love school boy look, they had been so careful!
Laurens flexed his hands, taking a deep breath. Hamilton. Where had he gone? John looked around the camp, scanning the treeline for where Hamilton had vanished off to after dinner had concluded. There. He barely caught the flash of blue of Hamilton’s coat as it vanished into the leaves. He took off after his lover, breaking through the trees on the little path Hamilton had carved over the past week or so that they had been camped in this little spot. As Laurens approached the pond, he could hear Hamilton speaking with someone. A man. Laurens ducked down, peeking through the leaves, finding Hamilton pacing on the shore, with a common solider, who had his back to Laurens.
Hamilton was in the middle of a tirade, “Can you believe he said that to me? You’d better not be writing this down!”
The soldier looked up from something in his lap, “‘m not. I swear. I wouldn’t write something like this down. It could get us killed.”
Us?
Who was ‘us’? There was Laurens and Hamilton, but there was this other man now…had Hamilton been seeing someone else behind his back. He watched as Alexander sighed, sitting next to the stranger, “Do you ever just think about leaving, Joseph?”
“All the time. But the cause needs us, and it needs you alot more than it needs me.” Laurens scrunches his nose as he watches the stranger, Joseph, take Hamilton's hand, touching his knuckles to his forehead briefly. Hamilton returned the gesture. It seems as if they’ve done this a million times before. To think, Hamilton was the one yelling at him that he had not been entirely truthful with him, in hiding his wife and daughter. But look at this! Hamilton has been seeing another man this whole time.
Alexander stretches his arms, “I’m thinking of going for a swim, want to join me?” Hamilton stood, undressing in the same way he always does when he is going to remove his amulet. The boots always came first.
So this man knew Hamilton’s secret as well. Joseph shrugged, going back to his writing, “I’ll come in after I’m done journaling.”
So they were swimming together, too?
This wouldn’t stand.
Laurens took a deep breath and broke from the bushes, “What the hell is this?!”
Joseph scrambled to his feet, facing Laurens. His face was familiar to John, but he couldn’t quite conjure up the full name. John ignored him, heading for Hamilton, who looked very guilty.
“John!” Hamilton laughed, clearly nervous at having been caught, “I thought I made it clear I wanted to be left alone.”
“Not entirely alone, apparently. You told him? When we all found out you were a mess! Begging us not to tell anyone, because you could get killed! And then you turn around and tell this…this common soldier your secret. And you told him about us? What the hell, Hamilton?”
“John, I can explain! I only told him because—” Hamilton stopped, glancing at Joseph, biting his lip.
“I don’t even want to hear it. You obviously don’t care about this relationship as much as I do.”
“How can you even say that?! I’m not the one who hid a wife and child! I’m not the one who sees this as just some…some war-time fling!”
“I’m not the one sleeping with another guy!”
The statement hung in the air. Both men breathing hard with anger, and Joseph looked wide-eyed between the two of them. Alexander smiled. There were tears in his eyes again, “Is that what you think? That’s what you think I’m doing out here with him?”
“What else would I think? I find you out here with some man I’ve only ever seen in passing, talking about our relationship, clearly about to take off your amulet—” John reached into Hamilton’s shirt, freeing the amulet from its usual place, letting it rest in the open air around Hamilton’s neck, “which, to my knowledge, you’ve never done around anyone willingly, besides the Family, in recent years!”
“So? What does that matter? I trust Joseph!”
“Trust him enough to tell him about being a homosexual?”
“Yes.”
“You and your foolishness are going to get us both killed! How do you know he won’t go and yap about this?”
Joseph cleared his throat, taking a step towards the quarreling couple, “I won’t reveal you, Colonel Laurens. Alexander has become a dear friend to me.”
Laurens crossed his arms, “Oh yeah, really dear, huh?”
Alexander nearly growled, “It’s not like that!”
Joseph sighed, “Just tell him the truth, Alexander. It’s okay.”
Hamilton’s entire demeanor changed, and he put a hand on the side of Joseph's neck, a clear sign of affection to John, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, tell him the truth.”
Laurens crossed his arms, steeling himself for the confession of Alexander’s affair, “Yes, tell me the truth. I can take it. I’ve practically figured the whole thing out for myself. I wasn’t enough for you, was I?”
Hamilton shoved Laurens, “I told him everything because we’re both Mer, you idiot!”
John stumbled back from the shove, watching as Joseph pulled a similar amulet to Hamilton’s out from his hunting shirt.
Oh. Well. This was embarrassing.
Laurens pressed his mouth into a line, thinking for a moment, “So you’re not having an affair?”
Hamilton put his hands on his hips, “The only one of us having an affair is you.”
“But that…you touched your forehead to his hand and just touched his neck! Explain that! Seems romantic to me.”
“Or since we’re both not human we have different gestures than you. All we did was express trust in a moment of vulnerability.”
Well, Fuck. Laurens really was an ass. A mule brayed from the far off camp.
“I…owe you both an apology. What was your name?” He turned to Joseph.
“Joseph Martin.” He shook John’s hand before gathering his journal, “I think it’s best I leave you two alone. Goodnight, Alexander.”
Hamilton mumbled a goodnight in return, waiting until Martin was out of earshot before turning on Laurens, the fury of a thousand suns in his eyes, “Do you get off on upsetting me? Is that what this is?”
“No I—”
“It certainly seems like it! If you go and tell the General about Joseph, I will…I don’t know what I’ll do but I won't have him be used the same way the General uses me. Or the way you use me!”
“I don’t use you!”
“Yes you fucking do! You said it yourself, all I am is a wartime fling! Once the war is over, we go our separate ways. And on top of that, you have the audacity to accuse me of being unfaithful, when anytime we lay together, you’re being unfaithful to your wife!”
“I care about you, Alexander!”
“You have a funny way of showing it!” Alexander began to cry, “I thought you actually cared about me! Everyone I’ve ever cared about leaves, John. My father left us, my mother died, the cousin in charge of me killed himself, I was separated from my brother…even the General sees me as a means to an end in this war. I thought you were different…You’re right, I am a fool…”
The clearing was silent except for Hamilton’s soft sobs, and John’s breathing. Laurens slowly grabbed Alexander’s hand, pressing his forehead to his knuckles and holding it there, mimicking what he had seen his lover and Joseph do, “I’m the fool here. I took you for granted. I didn’t mean it, Alexander. I do love you with all my heart, but…” Laurens swallowed as he trailed off
Hamilton made no move to take his hand back, “But?”
“But I’m terrified, Ham. Terrified that I will lose you when this war is over…I don't know…I guess I just figured if I started to prepare you for a cutoff, I would be okay with it. But I’m not. I never want to have to give you up.” He raised his head, allowing Hamilton to see the tears that were silently spilling down his face, “I want you to know that I love you.”
Hamilton glanced away, “You accused me of having an affair…”
“I don’t know what I was thinking…I jumped to conclusions. I won’t ask for your immediate forgiveness, but I will ask that you let me try to earn it.”
Hamilton took a deep breath, sighing, “I can’t forgive what you said right away, but…eventually…I can.” He gently grabbed Laurens by the chin, bringing him in for a sweet kiss.
Laurens eagerly returned the kiss, wrapping Hamilton up in his arms.
Forgiveness would come.