Work Text:
1 - It Begins
“Do you think that woke him?” Tony asked Nat, cringing at the loud crash. She raised one eyebrow and nodded slowly.
“I'm guessing that-”
Steve walked out, rubbing his eyes. “What was that?” he asked- well, more like demanded. Tony pointed at Natasha, eyes wide in an approximation of innocence. Nat simply glared at Tony until he put down his arm.
“What a light sleeper,” Tony said, quickly switching tactics.
“Yeah, I could barely hear that,” Natasha said, but her sarcasm bled through her deadpan. Steve just stared sleepily at them waiting for an answer to his question. Natasha took one for the team.
“I dropped a plate,” she said. “Doing dishes.” Tony tried very hard not to look behind him. Steve was almost content enough to believe this lie despite the fact that they were standing in the middle of the workshop, but his curiosity overcame his sleepiness.
“No, you didn't.” he said, with a yawn. He stumbled over to the back of the workshop, where Dummy stood sheepishly by a large flaming pile of Iron Man armor components. “Oh. I'm going back to bed.”
“See what you've done, Dummy?” Tony asked. “You've woken up Captain America… You should be ashamed of yourself.”
2 - Poker Night
“Yebat' vy rezko!” came a shout from the living room, followed by four frantic shushing voices.
“You're going to wake him up,” Tony said sarcastically. This sentence was quickly followed by him nearly falling out of his chair when Cap stumbled in.
“We thought you were in Thailand!” Bruce said, his cheeks a little redder than they usually were. The vodka bottle was, thanks to the two spies, nowhere to be seen.
“And I thought you were courteous to those who are jetlagged.” Steve responded in the closest thing to sarcasm that he could muster at two am.
“Shit. What day is it?” Clint asked. “Did you get back yesterday?”
“How long has this entertainment lasted?” Thor boomed.
“Too long,” Tony groaned. He'd all but bet the tower at this point in the game. And probably he'd discover either Clint or Nat had won it off him already if he tried.
“You're all college kids, you know that?” Steve said, walking out with a sigh.
“What's wrong with that?” Tony yelled back at Cap, who just groaned and continued shuffling away.
“He's not wrong,” Banner said. “And I see Nat’s blackmail footage and raise her Stark Towers.”
“Wait, you own my tower?” Tony asked, reaching for the slip of paper. “Lemme see the lease.”
3 - Broken Hearts
A sharp electrical crackle and a sharp yelp from Natasha woke Steve from the first eight hour block of sleep he'd had in a week.
“Careful!!” Tony yelled, too late. Natasha cursed softly, and muttered something rude about Jarvis’s lineage.
“I find that highly improbable,” Jarvis said, sounding ruffled. “And you will wake the Captain if you continue in this fashion,”
“It's fine, who needs sleep anyways?” Steve was pretty good at this whole sarcasm thing after all.
“The arc reactor-” Natasha started, rubbing her burnt hand.
“A malfunction-” Tony interjected “Heart attack-”
"You know what? As long as everyone is alright, I'm going back to bed. Tell me in the morning.”
“Hey, as long as you are up, mind giving us a hand?” Steve shook his head.“What do you need?”
“Can you reach this wire?” Tony said, pointing to the sparking, gaping hole in his chest. “Because the last six times Nat tried, it did not go well.” Natasha growled softly.
“Deal.”
4 - Nightmares
This time, the crash was accompanied by shattering dishes. Steve ran into the room, finding Tony sprawled in a puddle of coffee and broken ceramic shards. He groaned, and looked up at Cap.
“This is entirely my fault.” he said. “I have made a mistake. One moment.”
Tony gently pounced on Natasha, “Wake up, Nat!” he said, shaking her violently, another mistake. In a moment he was flying into Cap's arms.
“It's too early for this.” Cap sighed as he set Tony down to continue wrestling Nat.
5 - Fox News
“That is not what she said, asshole!” Tony yelled at the television. “If you were interested in facts instead of your stupid, sexist agenda you might accidentally hear a fact or two, and for the record, THERE ARE NO WEAK AVENGERS!” Cap nodded, from where he stood behind the bed, and he took a deep breath.
“And if you'd report on the news instead of the personal lives of our team, we'd hear a lot less about who you think is sleeping with Tony and a hell of a lot more news!” Steve shouted, and Natasha started laughing helplessly as Tony slowly slid to the ground in shock.
“More on this story when Fox news returns,” the reporter said, smiling.
“Why are you even watching this…” Steve searched for a nicer word for ‘shit’ “crap?” he failed.
“We're too drunk to find the remote” Tony said from the floor.
+1 The Time They Were Actually Sorry
“Cap’s got a court date,” Natasha grumbled at Tony.
“It's stupid, and it shouldn't be a thing, but he's going because he's Captain America and because it's the right thing to do. So we NEED TO GO TO SLEEP!” Tony said, frustration clear in his voice.
Natasha sighed. “Because that's clearly the only reason we should be asleep at three in the morning.”
“True.” Tony smiled.
“You're not helping, Stark.”
“True.”
“I notice we are still not asleep,” Natasha said, with another sigh. “Steve should hate us,”
“True.”
“Well, we can at least make him some coffee in the morning,” Natasha said, pushing the bag of beans towards the grinder.
“We haven't woken him up yet,”
“We chased him out of the common room. And it's called planning for the inevitable,”
“I call it overrated,” Tony flashed her another smile.
“You know, you mess up my sleep patterns more than anything else in my life, right?”
“Awww!” Tony said. “That's the sweetest thing anyone's said to me in the last three minutes, Agent Romanov.”
"I will hurt you.”
“I'd like to see you try!” Tony said, feeling overconfident.
“You will regret saying that,” Nat said, and she tackled him. They fell to the ground with a loud crash.
“Fuck, I do now,” Tony smiled at Steve as he ran into the room, obviously prepared for a fight.
“Sorry. Sorry. We are terrible people.” Tony said.
“True.” Natasha said. “Sorry.” Steve rolled his eyes, bit back the urge to tell them that they were, in fact, horrible people, and silently went back to his room.