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"I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud"
-Taylor Swift, “The Story of Us”
===
He's briefing the Seoul chapter of the ANSP on his target of upwards of three years— Taedong River 1. One of the Seoul-based ANSP agents inserts film sheets behind a projector, showing the gruesome evidence of Taedong River 1's espionage and assassination work over the years, from Korea to Germany.
"And while chasing him, one of our agents..." Lee Kangmu's voice trails off as the image of Min Jinseong's impaled body projects onto the board.
"So you've come back to Korea to catch Taedong River 1?" one agent asks.
Kangmu stands. He never thought he'd come back here. It’s been six years since he's stood in this building last, but he has to catch this Northern spy. So, he's back.
"He's been acting secretly all over Germany, and now he's in Seoul," he says, turning to face the gathered agents.
And that's when he sees her, leaning against a metal file cabinet.
Jang Hanna.
His dark eyes lock with hers, and panic flashes across his mind.
Jen-jang... what is she doing here?
She has barely changed in six years. Her black hair is shorter now, barely touching her shoulders, and her face seems a little wearier than he remembers. But still, there's no mistaking it. She's Jang Hanna, the woman he fell in love with and was engaged to marry so many years ago but was forced to suddenly abandon without a word.
She gives him a tiny, awkward wave. It's clear to him that she knows who he is. He just can't tell if she's happy to see him or not.
Babo-ya, he tells himself. You left her alone for six years. Why would she be happy to see you?
Kangmu snaps himself out of it, tearing his eyes away from her. He suddenly remembers that he has an audience who are unaware of his and Hanna’s history.
"He either has to win someone over in Seoul, or he was given a mission the agents here can't pull off," he says, but his focus has drifted from Taedong River 1 to the woman it's taking all his willpower not to look at.
He runs his hand through his hair, which had become a nervous habit of his. "In any case, we must get him before he accomplishes his mission."
"It's much more urgent than catching small-fry spies," Chief Ahn Gyeonghui speaks up. "All right. Any volunteers?"
Kangmu hears footsteps retreating. Hanna walks away from the group, disappearing out of sight. He doesn't know whether to feel relieved or go after her.
"Who wants to work with Kangmu?" Ahn asks.
Several agents volunteer, and Kangmu surveys the team he's now got. Hanna's footsteps stop before coming back over. Before Kangmu can turn around, a shot rings out. A hole appears in the cloth projection board behind him. The agents dive in a panic to the ground. Chief Ahn hides behind a folding chair, but Kangmu barely flinches.
Hanna. She's the one who fired.
Her revolver is still pointed right at Kangmu's face. The agents slowly recover from their shock, pulling pistols out at her. She puts her hands up with an innocent expression.
"Is that what I should do to him?" she asks.
Kangmu stares at her. He wonders if revenge is what she's been waiting for. That bullet could've very easily penetrated his brain. He's about to say something when Chief Ahn speaks up.
"Put your guns down."
Hanna obeys, sliding her revolver back into her coat.
"I said, put your guns away!" the Chief repeats.
Kangmu runs his hand through his hair with a deep breath as he turns away from the agents.
"Well.." Ahn says, walking towards him as he adjusts the glasses on his nose. "Sorry about that. You must be startled. She's our very first female agent-"
"She's obviously not trained properly," Kangmu cuts him off. He doesn't have the courage to look Hanna in the eye, for fear that something else might slip from his mouth.
"Well, she may be hot-tempered, but she's good at her job," Ahn defends. "Her nickname's One Hundred Warriors."
That surprises him. The Hanna he knew six years ago was from the upper echelon of society, her father being an experienced and powerful statesman. She was brought up to be prim and proper, but she chafed under the rules. Her falling in love with someone like Lee Kangmu was proof of her rebellious temperament. Still, he never pegged her for someone who could be a cunning and ruthless spy, or a good fighter. But at the same time, the job suits her fieriness that he's always admired and loved in her.
"I don't need her," Kangmu repeats, but he's not sure whether he's telling that to the Chief, Hanna, or himself.
There are so many reasons to ask her to join his team and help catch Taedong River 1. But none of them can rule out the fact that she's his ex-fiancée. He doesn't think he can be around her without doing something stupid. Even now, his heart speeds up every time he looks at her. He curses it for doing that.
"I only need disciplined ones," Kangmu says, then throws his pen to the floor and walks past Chief Ahn.
He has to pass Hanna to exit the room. She puts a hand up, stopping him, but still he refuses to look at her. He just takes a breath and walks away, the male agents following him.
"Jang Hanna's gone crazy," one of them whispers to another. "Shooting at the Black Tiger like that? Doesn't she know who he is?"
Lee Kangmu hears that and excuses himself to step into the bathroom, which is thankfully empty. He turns on the sink and splashes himself in the face with water, watching the droplets run down his skin and collect along his jawline.
Jang Hanna... what am I supposed to do with her around?
===
The next morning, Kangmu is holding a meeting with the members of his team at the ANSP headquarters stationed inside a toy factory. He holds up a picture of Professor Han I-seop to show them, although beyond the name he doesn't know much about the man.
"This man is likely to have helped Taedong River 1 with his mission. And there's no record he came into Korea, so-"
His voice abruptly stops as a figure wearing a long brown coat walks into the meeting. Kangmu breathes a curse, turning away from her yet again. He's certain that he made sure none of the agents had told her about the meeting.
Hanna slaps one of the agents on the back of his head, making him fall into his chair.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?"
Kangmu wants to ask what makes her think he can speak to her when he can't even look properly at her. Instead, he says, "I'm sure I said that I don't need you."
She takes the picture he'd put down from the desk. "Who's this guy?"
He turns back, but his eyes avoid hers. She flips the picture around so he can see the middle-aged professor's photo.
"Is he someone connected to Taedong River 1?" Hanna asks.
His silence is enough of an answer.
"I'll handle Professor Han I-seop," Hanna says. "He's the brains of Choi Daeyeong, the leader of the opposition party. I met him a few times while monitoring him."
Kangmu can't see a way to say no to her. If she has the information and is acquainted with this person of interest, it would be downright stupid for him to deny her help.
"Are you going to keep a close eye on him when he knows your face?" Kangmu asks, his back turning towards her once again.
Hanna knows exactly why he's trying to get her out of this business. But for her, it's what she's been waiting for, for six years. She'd joined the ANSP only to find him and ask him why he left her. Now, he’s standing only a few steps away from her. She won't give up when she's so close.
"Ah, that?" Hanna asks, closing the folder and walking towards him. "He thinks I'm a journalist who was fired... who was fired for strongly condemning the ruling party."
Kangmu almost can't breathe as she gets close to him— so close that he can feel her exhale against the side of his face and smell the scent of her shampoo. He's the most nervous he ever thinks he's been, and it isn't in the face of death or failure. He's faced those many, many times. Instead, he's the most afraid right next to Jang Hanna.
"I can infiltrate deep into their party," Hanna says her voice lowering to a whisper, and finally he turns to look at her. Their faces are mere inches apart. He notices her eyes lingering on his lips, and he would be lying if he denies that he was glancing at hers as well.
Kangmu struggles to keep his breath steady as her shoulder brushes his. He has to remind himself that they're not alone. Hanna knows exactly what she's doing. She wants to see how he reacts to her.
Their eyes lock, and he finds that he can read her emotions just as well as he could six years prior. Her eyes show determination, but that quickly gives way to a softer look, one of painful confusion and something akin to longing. In Kangmu's eyes Hanna primarily sees fear and nervousness masked by annoyance.
After a long minute, Kangmu manages to break himself away from her spell. The other agents are still watching them, no doubt puzzled. He can almost hear the rumors about them being whispered now.
"Fine," he says, trying to keep his voice as level as possible, but still sounding displeased, like she was forcing him into this decision that he really does not want to make. "You can be on the team."
===
Another meeting is called, and this time he makes sure Hanna is notified of it.
"Lim Sooho," he says, pointing to a black-and-white photo of a young Korean man. "He's recently been seen quite often around Professor Han. He's known as an economics graduate student at Berlin University-"
"I've checked it with the university, and there's no student by that name," Hanna cuts him off, showing him a paper with Lim Sooho's name and the words NO REGISTRATION FOUND typed on it.
He puts the folder down and moves the picture of Sooho on the board. "As of now, he's likely to be Taedong River 1. Keep a close eye on him at all times."
"Yes, sir," the agents say in unison before they leave. Hanna is left in the room with him.
Jen-jang. He needs to come up with something to say before she does, because he knows already what she'll say. Lee Kangmu will never admit he's afraid of Jang Hanna, but in all honesty, he's terrified. She can break his heart as well as his body, and he feels like he's balancing on a knife's edge. And he hates himself for putting both of them in this situation.
"Another meeting this afternoon," he tells her. "We're going to dam up that river tonight."
She nods and leaves, and he breathes a sigh of relief.
===
"Jang Hanna and I will stand by in front of Building B," Kangmu says, placing down a toy car and pushing it across a paper map of the city with a wooden pointer. He plans to catch the spy by crashing into his car as he exits the university with Professor Han. "Taedong River 1's car must take this road to get out through the main gate. And on this road, about three kilometers from here, there's a tunnel. His car will go through this tunnel for sure. The road branches off after the tunnel. We'll be ready for it. Whichever direction his car takes, we'll get the car at the next crossroads."
He moves the blue car across the map. "Ilgeun, you stand by at the crossroads."
"Yes, sir."
The blue and red toy cars meet at the ninety-degree angle.
"Crash into the car there," Kangmu says. "We'll get him by any means necessary."
He looks up at his determined team, Hanna included. She nods at him.
"That'll be all," he says, adjourning the meeting.
===
Needless to say, the crash-into-his-car plan doesn’t worked. Taedong River 1 escaped, and all the ANSP team managed to do was capture one of his accomplices, who was now locked down in one of the interrogation rooms.
Hanna leans against the doorframe to Kangmu's office with a few newspapers in her hands that she scans over, looking for anything about the chase that had occurred the previous night. Kangmu storms past her and into the office. She walks in after him, holding up the papers.
"There's not a single article about it," she says as he paces around in the corner. He grabs the papers from her hand and flips through them almost angrily.
"Multiple car crashes and gunshots while we chased him, but there are only articles about the election," she says, leaning on one of the tables in the small room. "It's obvious that the higher-ups are pressuring us. Are we backing off?"
He glances up at her momentarily. "Of course not."
Hanna tilts her head at him. Of course not? Is Kangmu disobeying the commands of Chief Ahn and dedicating himself to catching this one spy?
Ha... dedication, Hanna thinks. Commitment. It sends a spike of pain through her chest. That's something Lee Kangmu doesn't know anything about.
"We're not?" she asks.
Kangmu slams the papers down onto the desk. He clenches his jaw, but he doesn't know what he's angry at. It could be Chief Ahn, or the clearly biased and censored newspapers, or just frustration at failing to capture Taedong River 1. Hanna watches as he looks around the office, his hair falling wildly into his face and his eyes like a cornered animal's.
"That bastard... is Taedong River 1," he insists.
Somehow, Hanna gets the feeling he was thinking about someone else with those first two words. She holds his gaze, standing up and walking towards his desk. She's had it with his tunnel vision. Why, now, is he so focused on capturing this spy when he didn't even have enough dedication to stay with his own fiancée? Is Taedong River 1 the reason he left Korea so quickly? Is he so obsessed with catching him that it clouds his mind to everything else? What happened to make him like this?
She takes one last step towards him. Kangmu drops his eyes down to a random pen laying on his desk. The weight of her gaze is too much for him to handle. The guilt he's been holding back suddenly bursts out of his emotional dam, crushing his heart like a tin can as it rushes through his body.
"You won't even give up on a mere communist..." Hanna says, rage building up in her throat, ready to fly out at him. She needs to know why he abandoned her. Why, after six years, he acts like he doesn't know her. Where is the Kangmu who treated her like she was his entire world? Who is this man, and what had he done with the old Kangmu? Her Kangmu, the one she fell in love with so many years ago.
This isn't fair, for him to just show up like this and toy with her heart. It's not fair that when they finally see each other again after six years, she doesn't get so much as a single loving word or glance from him. Hanna has been starved of love— first from her father, now from the man she is convinced is the love of her life, or at least was convinced. She needs this closure.
"Why did you give me—"
He cuts her off. "Jang Hanna."
Hanna's heart skips a beat. His voice is suddenly soft, and he says her name like he used to, like how he would say it before adding saranghae.
And she would believe him, every time, no matter what.
The two stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. There's a slight red tint around his eyes, and Hanna can see the desperation in them. He's about to break.
He deserves to break, Hanna tells herself. He deserves to break down after all the times he's made me do the same.
But as much as she tells herself that, she can't make herself believe it. It hurts her to see him struggle.
She waits on bated breath for him to say something.
"Keep monitoring Professor Han."
He pushes himself off from the desk and walks away. The door swings shut behind him.
Hanna won't let herself cry. She forces a disbelieving laugh, biting her lip.
Tch… that gae-sae-ggi...
===
Hanna knocks at the door of Kangmu's office. Oh Dongjae is in there with him, probably discussing Taedong River 1 again. Dongjae looks over at her through the window, and she gestures for him to let her in. She hands him one of the bags of food she brought for the team. "Take it."
"What's all that?" Dongjae asks.
"You haven't eaten yet, right?" Hanna asks, closing the door behind her. She can feel Kangmu's eyes on her, but she forces herself to be nonchalant.
"Tteokbokki, kimbap, and fish cakes..." Dongjae says, looking through the foil containers.
Hanna looks over at Kangmu. "No one will appreciate it if we skip our meals," she says matter-of-factly.
"What's with the orchid?" Dongjae asks, noticing the leafy plant in a white-and-gold plastic jar that she holds.
"I went to the market and it caught my eye," she shrugs and walks over to Kangmu's desk. He watches her every move intently. He knows why she'd gotten an orchid. Seven years ago, he'd gotten her one just like the one now sitting on his desk. Kangmu didn't exactly know why Hanna favored plants without flowers, but she did. Maybe because she saw flowers as too delicate— not something she wanted to liken herself to.
"Go bring Seungjun," she tells Dongjae.
"Yes, ma'am," Dongjae says happily, leaving the office.
Hanna moves aside the placard and the telephone to make room for the little vase. She keeps her head turned away from him.
"I thought you were out of my team," Kangmu says to her.
She places down the plant and looks over at him, the light reflecting off half her face. She walks back over to the table where she'd left the food, taking one last container out from the second yellow plastic bag.
"I joined the ANSP for only one reason," Hanna says. She hates that now he's finally willing to look at her, yet she can't handle it. She's able to single-handedly kick the asses of a dozen enemies and not feel bad about it, but she can't even face a single person's gaze?
It's not just any person, she reminds herself. It's Lee Kangmu. It's different when he's part of the equation.
She looks up at him, and he stands frozen in front of the window. Kangmu panics, but he can't let himself show weakness. Her eyes bore into his, piercing into his heart, like he doesn't have enough internal strife over leaving her already. If he could, he would tell her everything and beg for her forgiveness, but with his mission weighing down on his shoulders, he can't afford to let down his guard, not even around Hanna.
"The guy who left me all of a sudden... the guy who vanished into thin air after promising to marry me..." she says, not even blinking as she looks at him. Kangmu's shoulders stiffen and his heart races. He wants to turn invisible, or just fall through a hole in the ground. Any kind of torture would be more bearable than the look Hanna's giving him right now. He turns back to the window, unable to take it anymore. The guilt is crushing him.
"I only joined to ask him why," Hanna says. "I even followed him to Germany twice but never saw him. And I've been... waiting for him for six years."
Every word is another dagger in Kangmu's already ripped heart. More than anything, he wants to run to her, wants to sweep her into his arms and finally be reminded of what it's like to be loved by her after missing her for six years... but he doesn't. He's cold now, unfeeling and only focused on his task.
"Why would I leave the team?" Hanna asks.
Why would I leave when you're here? is what she wants to say. When everything I've waited for is only a few steps away? Why would I turn back now?
"It's regrettable that you joined the agency for such a personal reason," Kangmu says, turning to face her, and for the first time since he's returned, his heart doesn't react to her intense eyes. He's managed to totally shut off his feelings. And he hates how numb he's become. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, in his mind, yet now he's doing just that— feeling nothing.
She's a distraction, he tells himself. Focus on capturing Taedong River 1.
He can tell by her eyes she's shocked that he won't say anything about why he left. She expected him to at least apologize after what she told him, but he doesn't.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," he says, going to leave.
"Why..." Hanna breathes out as his hand lands on the doorknob. She can't stop tears from welling in her eyes. "Why on earth..."
She needs this. She needs to ask him. And he's prepared to answer honestly, just get it over with. He's accepted that he'll never get the happy ending with her that he wants, and he's ready to shatter his heart in order to completely repair it without her. He turns his head to meet her eyes.
"...are they asking us to stay out of Han's case?" Hanna finishes, immediately mentally cursing herself. She isn't strong enough to ask him.
Six years, she thinks, and I back down when I'm only half a sentence away? What's wrong with me?
Kangmu turns his eyes back to the door. "I had our agents tail him closely. So stay out of it."
He can't do this anymore. He can't treat her like a mere colleague. She'll always be more than that to him, and there's nothing he can do to completely sever this bond they have. So the best he can do is stay as far away from her as possible.
He turns the doorknob, but Hanna's hand grabs his wrist. He freezes up. It's the first time they've touched in six years, not counting the brief shoulder-brush from the other day. Her hand is still soft but strong as it grips his wrist.
No... he thinks desperately. Let go!
"Our agents?" Hanna repeats. "You think they're loyal to you? You think they'll do what the high-ups told us not to?"
Why can't I shake this sense? she asks herself. Why do I want to help him? He's made it clear he doesn't need or want me on his team.
Kangmu stares at her. She has a point. Once Dongjae, Seungjun, and the others find out Chief Ahn has ordered them to stop searching for Taedong River 1 and tailing Professor Han, they're almost guaranteed not to heed Kangmu's orders anymore. Hanna still would. He may not be able to handle being in the same room as her for more than a few minutes, but strangely, he trusts her more than any of the other agents in the ANSP.
Hanna's lip trembles, and she pulls her hand away from his. She's thinking the same thing. No one is loyal to Lee Kangmu like she is. She knows him almost too well. And the knowledge hurts. She still loves him with all her heart, but it's like loving a stone statue— there's no chance of that love being reciprocated.
Hanna steels herself, forcing herself not to cry. If Kangmu is ice-cold, then so is she. Just colleagues. Nothing more.
Just colleagues.
"I will keep an eye on Han myself," she says resolutely, then pushes herself away and leaves the office despite Seungjun and Dongjae asking her if she'll stay and eat with them.
Kangmu doesn't know what to do. His head is spinning with the emotions he's kept bottled up for six years. He turns back towards his desk and brushes his fingertips against a leaf of the orchid Hanna had placed there. The telephone rings, but he doesn't care. He walks out of the office to the bathroom, leaving the phone to Dongjae and Seungjun. The bathroom is empty, so he leans over the sink, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are broken like shattered glass, and he quickly blinks away a tear before it can fall.
Jang Hanna... why do you still do these things to me?