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Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, a very small area of land was ruled by an old queen, who spent most of his time inadvertently getting dogs killed. One day the queen sat at his ebony window frame sewing, and gazing out into the snowy abyss - rather like the vast abyss of electoral humiliation he presided over every four years or so. Suddenly, he pricked his finger (no sniggering at the back) with the needle, and three drops of blood fell upon the snow. The queen thought to himself,
"I wish I had a successor whose heart was as black as ebony, who bathed in the blood of his enemies and turned their faces as white as the snow."
Sadly this was not to be, and when the queen died he got Princess Steel instead.
Princess Steel was drafted in to rule over the lands his predecessor had given to him, but instead of looking rough and tough he enjoyed frolicking through the forest making friends with all the fluffy woodland creatures, and singing to them in a squeaky voice. He also wore terribly unfashionable dresses.
However, in the kingdom over the hill (you know, the one with the deer on it, not the one with the dead sheep) there had been a great war, and many of the old king's finest knights had resigned in protest from the round table. This was due to the fact that the king kept falling asleep at the table, perplexed by its new-fangled roundness. One knight rode to the castle of Princess Steel and demanded to be let in to see the monarch, asking for assistance in the war against the old king, and the foul harpy that controlled the southern lands. But he was told that the Princess was out singing to rabbits again, and so, having no other option, he quietly took over the leadership of the yellow kingdom.
Princess Steel took all of this very well, considering.
"Go back to your burrows and prepare my dinner," he said to his woodland friends, and they did so, chirping as they cleaned the floors and cooked a marvelous meal for him. It was pie! He liked pie.
The new queen of the yellow kingdom quickly grew mad with power. He was handsome, charming and suave, but had a terrible habit of rambling on and on about himself and killing anyone who dared yawn at his anecdotes. He had also a magical looking-glass, who sported a pair of gigantic hairy eyebrows, despite not having any eyes. The queen grew obsessed with asking the looking-glass:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
And the mirror replied,
"You, though your personality hasn't improved much."
And the queen was pleased with this answer, and doubted it not. He truly had the most swag in the land.
But through the years Princess Steel grew ever more lovely. And while the queen had tolerated the Princess' presence when all he did was scamper around the gardens and engaged with him in some occasional light refreshment, when the mirror replied one day with:
"My queen, it is Princess Steel who everybody loves, not you. So sod off. I have some reflecting to do, you know."
...well, he lost his shit entirely.
He called a huntsman to dispose of simpering Steel once and for all. He demanded that the huntsman also bring back Steel's sweet Liberal heart as proof that the deed was done, and then he would put it on his mantelpiece. And with a dark smoulder, the queen turned on his heel and marched away in the fiercest manner possible.
"Oh. Wighto then," said the huntsman.
So the huntsman took Princess Steel away into the forest and drew his knife to kill him, but found he could not due to the Princess' eyes being so big and wibbly. So he had pity on him, and said:
"Wun away into the fowest, poor child. Never weturn, or you will be killed by the wicked queen Owen. Go, then! Wun!"
And Princess Steel got the hell out of there. The huntsman did not fret, or rather fwet, as he killed a passing boar instead and presented its heart to the queen. The queen boasted about his own intense battle with the boar to all his remaining friends (of which there were not many).
Meanwhile Princess Steel was alone in the deep forest, and cried as he cuddled his bestest squirrel friends, named Shirley and Bill, who sat around his shoulders. But being a Liberal he did not give up easily, and instead blindly and stupidly ran through the woods until he reached a clearing containing a quaint little cottage. Princess Steel was so tired from his ordeal that he instantly fell asleep on one of the seven neatly-made beds after breaking and entering.
Later on, the owners of the cottage returned (seven dwarves living together for some strange and homoerotic reason) after finding the mining pit they worked at closed due to industrial action. Obviously, when they saw that there was an intruder in their house they weren't very happy at all.
"Let's kill 'im!"
The seven bloodthirsty dwarves cheered and began to lift the princess from his bed, as he awoke with a shout and tried the wibbly eyes trick again. The leader of the dwarf pack was moved by the sheer adorableness of the princess and stopped his friends from eating him in a pie. Though he did like pie.
"Thank you, Mr Dwarf," said Princess Steel, "I have been forced here by the wicked Queen Owen, who does not appreciate how kawaii~ I am."
"In that case," said the head dwarf, "you can stay here if you cook pie for us."
That was no problem at all for Princess Steel, Shirley and Bill!
But the princess was not safe, as the queen once more looked into his looking-glass and said,
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
"It's still the princess, sorry about that. Although...I'm not really," replied the mirror, creasing its brows. "He's living with seven dwarves in the middle of nowhere."
The queen was struck with rage - he knew the huntsman had lied, and so subsequently knifed him in the back. He was also very jealous that Princess Steel was living with seven other men, though he would not admit that out loud where the mirror could laugh at him. And being a bit mad and with a penchant for flamboyant schemes, he decided to dress up as an old woman and kill the princess himself.
"Pretty ribbons, my dear, pretty ribbons for sale," said the queen, disguised as the old woman, as he knocked on the door of the cottage where the princess lived. "Red, white and blue go so well with your complexion!"
"I prefer yellow and orange, actually..." said the princess.
"Shut up and buy something, shorty."
"Oh, well, if you say so."
And the princess was about to take a ribbon, but was strangled from behind by the queen and fainted, but at least he had a pretty bow around his neck. The queen ran off, cackling. When the dwarves got back from the picket line, they were all rather sad indeed. They cried plentifully, until one of them unlaced the ribbon from Steel's neck to blow his nose with, and the princess gasped and filled with colour.
"Don't accept any visitors again!" warned the dwarves, "The queen still wants to kill you!"
But either the princess was either very brave or very stupid because he did the exact same thing again, only this time with a poisonous comb that Queen Owen had bought off the harpy ruler from the southern kingdom, who had been planning to use it to finish off one of her dastardly knights - the one with the great hair. But the harpy was convinced by the high price, and decided to put off responding to the knight's threat, thinking it no big deal.
However, when the dwarves got back, this time from a night of intense violence, they casually pulled the comb from Steel's head and he jolted back to life once more.
"What did we tell you, you stupid little squirt?" they said.
"Oops! I'm sorry!" said Princess Steel. The dwarves all went 'aww' and forgave him.
The queen was again filled with rage when the mirror told him that his plan had failed, and so crafted a poisonous apple, one side of which was deadly, the other, delicious. Like an apple pie without the pie. He disguised himself, went to the clearing, and tapped on the window, offering the apple to the princess, but he shook his head and refused it. The queen was no fool though, and ate the good half of the apple, convincing the princess of its safety. He took but one bite and fell down dead on the floor.
When the queen returned back to the mirror, he was filled with glee when it sighed and half-heartedly proclaimed him the fairest of them all. He immediately organised a party conference centering around how great he was, and all his knights were forced to agree.
The dwarves found their grueling day of getting beaten up by magical police unicorns was about to get even more grueling when they found the princess dead in the kitchen, the evening's pie unfinished. He did not breathe and there was no comb or ribbon apparent. They all wept, and decided to bury him, but even after some time it seemed as if he were living, and being very stupid they ordered a glass coffin from Argos to parade the corpse around in. Shirley and Bill sat by the coffin and curled up together, watching it as the dwarves sobbed and pined for their pies.
But woah-mama! Just what was this now? It couldn't be...yes! It was! A handsome prince just happened to be passing through the neighbourhood. The prince was a hero of war and combat, and his face was lined but concerned and amiable, and all the secretaries in the land lined up to swoon all over him. Passing by, he instantly fell in love with the sweet prone body of Princess Steel, which is a bit creepy when you think about it. So he approached the grieving dwarves and asked:
"Can I have that coffin?"
"You what?" said the dwarves.
"Pretty please..." replied Prince Ashdown. The dwarves collectively shrugged their shoulders.
"Well...okay."
And so the weirdo prince made off with the dead royal, but as his entourage was carrying the coffin, they tripped, and Princess Steel coughed up the bit of apple he still had in his throat.
"My darling! You're alive! Come with me to my castle, and we shall be wed," said Prince Ashdown.
"Uh. Where am I?" replied the princess.
But wed they were. All the knights and good lords and ladies of the land were invited, as well as lots of woodland creatures that made quite a mess. Queen Owen was also invited, and asked the mirror one last time who was the fairest of all, and the mirror replied IT'S STILL STEEL, STUPID. Queen Owen, not thinking he had embarrassed himself enough, went to the feast and saw the new queen in all his splendour. He could not move, he was so disgusted that his former love had 'moved on'. But, in revenge, iron shoes heated in the fire were brought in with tongs and placed on to his feet, and he was forced to dance until he was dead. However, he found the shoes an incredible talking point, as well as very fashionable, and bored everyone stupid with his prattle, so they just shoved him in the river instead.
And so the new king and queen ruled over the yellow kingdom peacefully and joyously, though they were still crap at expanding their boundaries.