Archive of Our Own

They all pile up inside the van after the party. Mile goes first, choosing the spot next to the window. Apo follows right after, narrowly avoiding bumping his head on the roof of the car, but instead of sitting next to Mile, he plops down on  Mile’s lap. Mile feebly tries to protest but he ends up accepting his fate. Tong gets in next and for a moment he seems uncertain whether to occupy the spot next to Mile or not, in case Apo decides to take his rightful place, however, urged by the people behind him, he sits down quickly without any comments.

Apo curls up on top of Mile, bending his neck awkwardly and twisting his right arm behind Mile’s head, but since he can’t fit his long limbs in the narrow space in front of him he ends up putting his legs on Tong’s thighs.

Tong sighs.

“Wouldn’t be easier to sit next to him instead of on top of him, Po? You are not exactly light.”

Mile instinctively circles his arms around Apo, who in turn hides his face in the crook of Mile’s neck.

“It’s fine,” says Mile.

Tong pats Apo’s legs.

“As long as you are both comfortable.”

Mile places his chin on top of Apo’s head and starts stroking his damp hair. Apo mumbles something that sounds like “’m happy” and then sighs contentedly.

“I know you are not actually comfortable,” mumbles Tong. “Neither of you.”

“You know, I signed up for this,” jokes Mile, looking down at his demanding boyfriend with a small smile.

Tong blinks and then turns away to give them some privacy.

“Sometimes I wish had a burden like yours,” he confesses quietly after a while. “I am very...jealous of you.”

Mile doesn’t know what to reply to this.

“But I love you both dearly and I am happy to see you like this,” continues Tong. “And I am also pretty sure that I am not ready for this kind of responsibility just yet.”

“You mean taking care of a giant baby,” comments Mile playfully.

“I can hear you, you know,” slurs Apo pinching his side in retaliation.

Mile squirms and hits his elbow on the side of the car. Tong laughs but in doing so he dislodges Bas’ head resting on his shoulder. Bas moans as if he were in actual pain, while Job, next to him, tries to soothe him by patting his thigh.

“Don’t you dare throw up on me,”  Tong admonishes him.

Apo starts cackling, his loud laughter reverberating inside Mile’s chest.

“I brought this, just in case,” says Job showing them a plastic bag.

“Stop talking about vomit”, begs Bas swallowing loudly.

“I swear I’m going to fucking hurl myself out of the car if you do vomit,” threatens Tong.

“Are you okay?” whispers Mile for Apo’s ears only.

Apo’s breath tickles his neck.

“’m okay. Just sleepy.”

“Isn’t your neck hurting in this position?”

“Nope.”

Mile starts massaging his nape.

Someone coughs.

“Is that Bas vomiting?” asks Apo.

“Is Bas vomiting?” echoes Ping from the seat in front of them.

“No one is vomiting!” cries Tong.

“Oh god, please stop talking about it,” Bas whines. “Oh no, I think I am going to throw up.”

“STOP THE CAR!” shrieks Tong.

They stop the car.

~

Despite his complaints, Tong actually goes out with Job to help Bas with his vomiting problem on the side of the street.

Apo stretches his legs on the now empty seats but he doesn’t leave Mile’s lap. A few of their friends and colleagues had left the car to breathe some fresh air, while some others are dozing off in their seats.

“Do you want some water?” asks Mile brushing aside Apo’s damp hair that was sticking to his face.

Apo nods. He smells of sweat and alcohol. Mile kisses the side of his head before manoeuvring him in order to grab a bottle of water under his seat.

“Here,” he unscrews the cap and helps Apo drink from it.

“I am sorry to be a burden,” says Apo in a tiny voice, licking his lips after a long sip of water. Some rivulets fall down his chin.

Mile uses his sleeve to dry it.

“You are not a burden, what are you talking about?”

“Why don’t you get drunk,” pouts Apo.

“You know very well that I do get drunk,” says Mile. “Drink more water.”

“Why don’t you get drunk drunk,” insists Apo. He is blinking rapidly, either to try to stay awake or as an attempt to recover some sobriety.

“I have a higher tolerance for alcohol but I do get drunk drunk occasionally, you’re just not around to witness it most of the time.”

Apo finishes the bottle.

“Am I going to die in the morning?”

Mile laughs.

“It won’t be a pleasant experience.”

Apo groans and goes to hide again in the crook of Mile’s neck. Mile moves a bit to accommodate him.

“You’ll be okay, love, I promise.”

“Will you be there?”

“Of course I will.”

Apo kisses his neck, Mile shivers.

“You are not a burden,” he declares, suddenly anxious to clarify it once again. “We were just joking. I am here to take care of you, whether you are drunk, sober, dead tired, sad or hyped up. Okay?”

 “You two make me nauseous,” jokes a member of their staff sitting behind them.

“THEN GO JOIN BAS OUTSIDE!” shouts Mile.

Apo squeezes his hand, unfazed by the commotion.

“Even when I am clingy?”

“Uh?”

“Am I not a burden even when...I am…too clingy?”

“You are not clingy, you are affectionate.”

“I missed you tonight. I missed…this.”

Mile kisses his forehead.

 “I missed this too.”

Truth is that he could feel Apo’s eyes on him the whole night, he can always feel him in his bones even when he is not around, the ghost of his touch on his hips, on the small of his back, his taste in his mouth hours after their last secret kiss.

He likes to think of himself as a haunted house, Apo the ghost who lives inside him, inhabiting every room at once.

Apo rubs his cheek on his chest.

“I am here now.”

Someone slams the door open.

“We’re done,” declares Tong prompting Apo to lift his legs and then falling heavily on the seat next to him and Mile. Job, supported by JJ, helps a deflated Bas inside.

“Did he throw up everything?” asks Apo in awe.

“If by everything you mean dinner, lunch and probably his breakfast, yes, he threw up everything.”

Apo nods, satisfied by Tong’s answer. Mile’s thighs are starting to hurt due to the extra weight on top of them and his left arm has basically gone numb but he wouldn’t change this for the world.

“Do you feel any better, dear?” Tong asks Bas softly after a while.

In the city lights streaming in through the window, he looks very pale, his skin glistening with sweat.

“Yes, thank you,” he mumbles, eyes shut and lips barely moving.

Tong pats his arm.

Someone is snoring inside the van. Apo is breathing softly on Mile’s chest, not yet asleep but not fully awake either. Mile caresses his back. It’s going to hurt like hell in the morning.

“Are you both going to yours?” Tong asks him.

Apo’s leg twitches on Tong’s lap. The dirty soles of his shoes graze Bas’ trousers but luckily he is too out of it to care.

Mile swallows. He wish he had some water but Apo drank it all.

 “‘m not leaving him,” murmurs Apo grabbing Mile’s wrist tight. “Ever.”

Mile chuckles.

“You heard him.”

When they reach Mile’s house the van stops temporarily in the underground car park. Most of his friends and colleagues are still inside.

“Hey, babe, we’ve arrived.”

Apo stirs and stretches. He accidentally kicks Bas but neither of them notice, Bas fast asleep. They manage to leave the car without waking him up.

Mile goes to the car behind them to fetch his and Apo’s belongings. When he’s done, guitar on his back and his and his boyfriend’s bags on each hand, Apo is nowhere to be found.

He apparently went back inside the van to say goodbye to everybody, hugging and kissing even those who are – or, better, were – asleep.

It’s not quite surprising that he gets these sudden bursts of energy when he is dead tired. They are his last sparks of life before shutting down completely. Mile wonders how long this will last. Hopefully, until they reach their bed.

“Good night, Bible! Good night, Nodt! Pong, you sleeping? Good night! Love you!”

Eventually May manages to drag him out of the car. Apo hugs her tightly, eyes closed, swaying on his feet.

Mile approaches them. He is quite tired, his muscles are sore and his mouth so very dry.

“Come on, Po, they all need to go home.”

“Do you need help to take him upstairs?” offers the woman.

Apo kisses the top of her head and smiles beatifically.

“No, don’t worry, I’ve got him,” Mile assures her.

“See you tomorrow, P’May!” chirps Apo.

Mile says his goodbye before gesturing for Apo to follow him to the elevator.

“Can you hold this?” he asks the other man before passing him his Dior bag.

Apo almost drops it, then giggles but suddenly he gets all serious.

“Can you give me a piggyback ride?”

Mile points at his guitar, strapped to his back.

“You love her more than me,” complains Apo crossing his arms on his chest.

Mile snorts, secretly endeared.

“Sure,” he murmurs. “Here, take my hand.”

Apo intertwines their fingers. His hand is clammy and rough. Mile loves its weight in his.

They wait for the elevator like this. They usually avoid this kind of display in public, but it’s 4 am and there is nowhere around in the parking lot. They can afford this small luxury for once, the luxury to be themselves out in the open.

Apo stumbles inside the elevator and he spends the whole ride to Mile’s floor with his eyes closed, holding onto Mile’s hand for dear life.

When they get inside Mile has barely time to drop his stuff on the floor before Apo launches himself at him, planting a kiss on his mouth.

“Happy New Year!” he cries out, hands on Mile’s shoulder, jumping on the spot.

Something inside Mile’s chest uncoils: only now he realises that he has been very tense all night long. He suddenly feels exhausted, but the kind of exhaustion that makes you feel light and content, accomplished. He made it through.

He grabs Apo by the neck and kisses him with determination. It’s quite hard to make out when your mouth is dry and you feel like sleeping on your feet, but the drag of Apo’s lips on his makes his whole body tingle, from his scalp to his fingertips, and he feels alight.

He can see sparks behind his eyelids.

It occurs to him that this is the second year in a row that he misses the city fireworks. It does not really matter though.

“Happy New Year, love,” he murmurs resting his forehead on Apo’s.

Apo looks at him, warm brown eyes unfocused due to their proximity and his intoxicated state.

“I love you.”

Mile licks his parched lips.

“I love you.”

Apo smiles so so sweetly and takes him by the hand to the kitchen. Here he pours water in a glass with unsteady hands and passes it to Mile.

Sometimes Mile thinks that he doesn’t deserve this much happiness and he fears that something is going to take it all away.

He needs to touch Apo to make sure he is here and he is going to stay. He reaches for his hand. Apo squeezes it and then brings it to his mouth to kiss his knuckles.

Mile clears his throat.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

Apo beams. He looks like a giant kitten. Mile feels so full of love he might start floating.

~

Mile has not slept quite enough. But here he is, waking up his boyfriend with a scalding bowl of rice soup, way too early after the heavy night they had.

“Po,” he calls softly, touching his shoulder.

Apo stirs in his sleep but he doesn’t wake up. Mile brushes his ear with his lips. Apo’s skin is damp and sticky and he smells of alcohol and sleep. He is going to hate himself once he wakes up. 

Nevertheless, Mile kisses his ear and when this elicits a reaction from his boyfriend he proceeds to pepper his face with kisses. He loves these moments, when Apo is unguarded and dishevelled and so far from the person other people usually see. These are the moments when he feels that Apo is truly his only.

(He is not jealous, nor possessive, or not as much as many people think at least. However, since Apo is a public figure now it thrills him to think that he is the only one who gets to see his private, realest side. It’s a privilege that comes with being loved by him.)

Apo opens his eyes and squints, then he covers his face with both hands and groans.

“Good morning, sunshine,” says Mile. “I have breakfast for you.”

“Why,” grumbles Apo.

Mile touches his knee. Apo kicks him.

“Come on, you need to go to the temple.”

Apo sits up immediately, alarmed. Then he drops back down on the bed, holding his head.

“I don’t think I can move,” he declares with a whine.

“Po.”

“My head spins.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Can you carry me?”

“To the temple?”

Apo sits up, slowly this time, and rests his forehead on Mile’s shoulder.

“Still spinning?” asks Mile softly, caressing his back.

“Mh,” mumbles Apo. “What did I use my neck for yesterday? It hurts.”

Mile chuckles.

“It was the car ride.”

“Did we get in a car accident?”

Mile full-on laughs. Apo hugs him, arms around Mile’s middle. His body is very warm.

“I am kidding, I remember,” admits Apo. “Why am I so stupid?”

Mile kisses his cheek, Apo turns his head to give him a closed-mouth kiss.

 “Have some porridge, it’ll do you good.”

Apo rubs his face on Mile’s shoulder, his facial hair scratching Mile’s skin. It’s soothing for both of them.

“Did you cook it?”

“No, silly, I had it delivered.”

Mile disentangles himself from Apo’s warm embrace to grab the bowl and a small bottle of water on the bedside table.

“Drink first.”

Apo gulps the water down alarmingly fast. Mile presents him with the food next.

“I don’t know if I can keep it in,” complains the other man massaging his eyes. He looks miserable.

Mile ignores him and, after blowing on it, he feeds him a spoonful of soup.

Apo scrunches his nose.

“Fuck, it’s spicy,” he says, before swallowing with effort. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“It’ll cure your hangover.”

“I am going to shit myself.”

Mile scoffs.

“You’ll shit anyway.”

Apo takes the bowl from Mile’s hands and deposits it on the bed.

“I am sweating like a pig,” he complains a few mouthfuls later.

“You are supposed to sweat off the alcohol you drank,” Mile informs him.

Apo smiles cheekily.

“You are such an expert on hangovers.”

Mile brushes his hair out of his eyes.

“It didn’t use to feel like this, you know,” continues Apo. “When I was younger. I didn’t even drink that much but I feel like my stomach is so upset that I might vomit right after eating this. And I feel like I am running a fever even though I am pretty sure I am not.”

“You are not used to it anymore,” says Mile. “ And, besides, you are getting older.”

Apo licks the spoon and looks at Mile with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“But I am still your baby, right?”

Mile shrugs.

“Clearly.”

Apo frowns and puts the bowl back on the bedside table then he gestures to Mile to come closer.

He looks so scruffy and sweaty but yet so cute and cuddly that Mile complies immediately.

Apo makes him lie down and then he uses his chest as a pillow. He doesn’t smell great but Mile presses his nose against Apo’s hair nevertheless and inhales deeply. He loves him so much like this. He doesn’t want to let him go. For a brief moment the mere thought seems almost unbearable.

“Do you really need to go?”

Apo smacks his pecs.

“I am going to make merit for me, you, our family and friends, our fans…I really need to go.”

“Ok, baby, don’t get upset.”

Apo turns in his arms. Mile hopes that he won’t care about his own breath because he really wants to kiss him. Apo cares about these things, Mile would kiss him anytime, anywhere.

Apo smiles, eyes warm but tired.

“Did you have your breakfast?” he asks caressing Mile’s face.

Mile nods.

“Do you feel any better?”

Apo grimaces.

“I will know for sure when I’ll get up.”

Mile can’t hold himself any longer and kisses him. The other man melts in his arms, pliant and soft. It’s one of those days when his need to be taken care of and loved surpasses his hygienic concerns.

Apo’s lips are dry and he really tastes quite horribly but Mile loves him so much that he wouldn’t want him any other way.

He is mine mine mine thinks Mile, holding him tightly. Mine to kiss, mine to take care of, mine to look at, mine to smell, taste, love.

“I need to take a shower now or I’ll be late,” says Apo after a few rounds of kissing.

Mile kisses his nose.

“Alright, go.”

Apo scratches his face.

“Oh fuck, I need to shave too!”

Mile strokes his beard.

“Why don’t you do it later?”

“Nope, New Year, new me.”

Mile laughs.

“I think I am going to miss your goatee.”

“I won’t, it’s starting to itch.”

“Remember to drink a lot of water today and take a paracetamol before you leave.”

“Okay, mom.”

Mile kisses him one more time and then kicks him out of bed. He will probably sleep some more while Apo is away. He can’t wait.

But he also can’t wait to have him back home later.

New Year, same old me.