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A long-forgotten warmth filled her chest, startling her. He was there, just out of reach behind that window. He looked… healthy. He had a little less hair and it was grayer, but apart from that, he had not changed one bit.
Tears welled up in her eyes. For the past eight years, she had thought her last face to face words to him had been a lie. She had resigned herself to accept that they would never see each other again. And now, he was sitting right before her eyes, reading the scientific review as he finished desert. She had not felt this warm in eight years, and this had nothing to do with Houston’s climate.
As he reached out to leave the bill on the table, a sparkle caught her eye. A circle of gold on his ring finger. Her heart constricted.
She could not blame him. She had chosen to quietly exit his life eight years ago, when he had just told her how eager he was to see her again. Pretending they would see each other soon when she had known she was about to hurt him had been incredibly difficult, but it had been a small price to pay. Defecting was the only way then. The only way to escape prison, yes. But also – and above all – the only way to truly protect him. Had she gone to prison, the FBI would have uncovered his involvement in her betrayal, and that would have been the end of him, one way or another.
Then, why did the idea of him married again hurt so much?
She tried to push the thought back into her chest. No. She would not go there. Coming here was a mistake. A selfish one. There was nothing she could offer him, not when she lived yet again 6,000 miles away, not when she had to resort to deception to spend a few minutes without guards looking over her shoulder. Her meeting him tonight would only endanger him. She had to leave. She had to let him go back to his life, to his… to his wife.
Biting the inside of lip to prevent the tears from falling, she turned around. She welcomed the usual pain in her hip as she walked, a mere distraction from that of her heart. They were never meant to be, and it was time for her to definitively embrace that truth.
She had just moved past the closest row of cars when the lights went out, signaling the dinner’s closing. Her heart started thumping loudly in her chest as she heard steps behind her. His steps. She automatically came to a halt.
Why did her legs stop? She felt panic rising. She had to leave before he saw her. The darkness was hiding her for now, but what if his car was past this row?
She willed herself to take a step, but her body, her traitorous body, refused to listen to her command. She couldn’t move, paralyzed by the knowledge that he was right there, coming closer.
She heard him stop in front of the first car and let out a resigned sight. She painfully closed her eyes, bracing herself for what little resolve she had left inevitably breaking at this. It was one thing to lie to him behind a screen. It was another to leave when he was safely tucked behind a building’s window. But this… She wasn’t strong enough for this. She turned around, consequences be damned.
“Sergei.”
Her memory had not done justice to his eyes. While his face was often guarded, his eyes always offered a glimpse right into his soul. Right now, they shifted between emotions as fast as particles caught in between contradictory forces. Surprise. Relief. Concern. Happiness.
“Margo.”
She raised a hand to signal him to stay away. She couldn’t let him come nearer. Right now, she was fighting an internal battle to prevent herself from rushing into his arms, and she couldn’t let her body win. Now that she had revealed her presence, she would explain herself – he deserved that much -, and then she would leave as planned.
Of course, he obeyed and stopped in his tracks. He always respected her boundaries. She felt a pang of sadness in her chest as she witnessed his eyes now flashing pain and disappointment before he tried to collect himself.
“I’m… I’m glad you… came. I-“
No. She would not let them go there. She willed as much determination as she could into her voice.
“This can’t happen, Sergei. You have a life here now, and I have a life over there.” As the words escaped her mouth, she failed to identify whether they were aimed at him or herself.
“No, no, no, no, no. You don’t understand.”
She could not let him speak, or she would never leave. She had to remain in control of this conversation.
“It was difficult for some time but I’m finally starting to-“
As he raised his voice to interrupt her, the gravity in his eyes silenced her inner voice.
“You are not safe, Margo.”
He wore that intense gaze he always had when he was discussing an important matter, the one that told her she had to listen intently. And so, against her better will, she stopped struggling for control.
“The woman you know as Irina Morozova, the head of Roscosmos, she was my handler with KGB. From the beginning. All those years, she was the one who sent me to United States, the one who destroyed both of our lives.”
No. He must be mistaken, this could not be true.
He gave her a moment to reach this inevitable conclusion by herself, his eyes full of empathy.
Irina had rescued her. She had given her a chance when no one else had. She had been thoughtful, giving her Sergei’s photograph. Oh god. The photograph. She had been so moved to see his face again then that she had failed to see the obvious truth. The only people who could have known she cared about him were those who had used those exact feelings against her. How did she not see this before?
Upon witnessing her painful realization on her face, he carried on with a gentler voice.
“You cannot go back there, Margo.”
She closed her eyes, swallowing the lump forming in her throat. All the clues were coming together in her mind. She should have understood the second Irina had told her she had known her for a long time. She felt so stupid.
And she had come here thinking Sergei wanted to see her again, when he simply knew her well enough to figure out that she would have been this blind, that she needed to be told this obvious truth. This was borderline humiliating.
Her hand nervously toyed with the strap of her handbag. Still, she couldn’t fill in the gaps. Apparently, she needed everything spelled out for her. She took a deep, shaky breath.
“I don’t understand… Why would she give me a chance. Why would she send me here?” She failed to keep the tremor out of her voice.
He gave her a slow, sad smile. “I don’t know. But I do know that as long as you are within her reach, you are not safe.”
Her mind was racing. She had to figure this one out. Why would Irina give her Sergei’s photograph? She had recited a poem on lost love appearing to someone in exile then. Was that a clue? Why would she send her to Houston?
She felt dread rise in her chest as realization suddenly hit her.
“Oh God. She sent me here so that I would expose you.”
They must have had doubts on his death. Doubts she would have confirmed if they had bugged Aleida’s room in Moscow.
To her utter horror, he wasn’t even surprised, simply nodding in acknowledgement. “That is one of the possibilities, yes.”
No. This was not happening. She could not do that all over again. The only thing that had made her dissatisfactory life in Moscow bearable was the knowledge that he was safe, away from the KGB’s clutches.
Something achingly close to anger began to rise in her chest. “If you’ve thought about this, why did you come here, Sergei?”. Putting himself at risk for her was not okay. Not when she had sacrificed so much for his safety.
“Because whatever their goal, you are not safe right now.” He took a tentative step towards her, searching for her eyes. “It is time for me to repay you, Margo.”
Her head began to shake back and forth in denial. “No. We’ve discussed this, you don’t owe me anything, especially not if it will endanger you further. You should go back to your wife!”
Shit. Life. She meant life.
There was a second when he seemed unsettled by her words. He averted his eyes away from her to glance at his right hand. He watched it in disbelief, as if he was surprised to find it wearing an unknown object, before a flash of recognition washed over his face.
To Margo’s utter amazement, his left hand then reached out to slide the ring away from his finger before placing it in his jacket’s pocket, the sparkle never to be seen again.
When he rose his head to stare right back at her, the hurt in his eyes hit her with so much intensity that her breath caught in her throat.
“Is that what you think you are to me? A debt to settle?”
She felt so overwhelmed at his unexpected gesture that her words died in her throat. When she didn’t answer, his eyes turned almost desperate. “For the past 8 years, I’ve thought you were dead. I got married trying - and failing - to get over you, Margo. She doesn’t even know my real name. She thinks I read the scientific review as a hobby. She doesn’t know what I’ve been through, and-“ His voice broke. “And she has no idea what you mean to me.”
He took a deep breath to collect himself before continuing, his moist eyes never leaving hers.
“It only took hearing your voice again once for me to throw it all away.”
Margo’s heart was racing in her chest.
“What do you mean?”
He gave her a small, tearful smile.
“I left everything behind on an impulse to come here two days ago. I woke up and drove straight to Houston instead of going to work. On the way, I called my wife to tell her that I was not coming back, and that she shouldn’t look for me.”
Oh. She was blinking rapidly, trying to prevent her tears from falling.
He took another tentative step, his eyes carefully inspecting her face.
When she didn’t step back, he slowly reached out for her hand. She shivered at the unexpected contact.
Reveling in the fact that she was allowing him to brush his thumb against her palm, he proceeded with a gentle voice.
“I did not come here expecting anything from you, Margo. Giving my life up was my choice to make, and there is no going back now. I know very well that it has been eight years, and…”
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “And that you may not care for me like I do anymore, or- or be as happy to see me as I am to see you. But, Margo, please, let me help you with this. That is all I am asking for.”
Her last barriers fell at this. As tears finally rolled down her cheeks, he slowly embraced her, one hand making its way to the small of her back to hold her close, the other gently caressing her hair.
Hit by uncontrollable sobs, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders for support.
“I missed you.”
He tightened his arms around her.
“I missed you too, Margo. So very much.”