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How To Keep Your Idiot Son Alive

Summary:

Regulus and Lily are professors at Hogwarts, which was a much easier job before their son, Harry, who just happens to be the 'chosen one' enters school. Harry seems to be a magnet for trouble, and even worse, he seems to lack caution and common sense.
Lily and Regulus (with the occasional help from James) have to keep their idiotic teenage son alive, while trying to give him a normal childhood.

Notes:

Hey guys <3
Do not expect regular updates! I will update when I can but this fic is just fun for me <3
This fic will be dialogue-heavy and there won't be much long prose as it's a cute family and hijinx au <3

There shouldn't be any traditionally triggering content in this fic, but if you have any specific triggers or concerns, please contact me via Tumblr @whoopsiesnodaisies

Chapter 1: Gryffindor!, Fall 1991

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Something about the sorting ceremony always made Lily nervous. She could feel her stomach twist in knots as she watched kids put the old hat on their heads. Perhaps it was the kids nerves affecting Lily. However, this year, it was especially bad, as her own son, the son who was prophesied to die years ago, was being sorted.

Regulus held Lily’s hand, giving it a squeeze as Harry sat atop the stool. The hat placed on his head. Lily was nervous that she may cry and embarrass him on his first day. “Come on Slytherin.” Regulus was muttering under his breath. Regulus was sick and tired of being out numbered by Gryffindors in the home.

So when the hat rang out “Gryffindor!” Lily swore Regulus swore, though it was hard to tell over Remus’ cheering. Remus might have been more excited than even Harry. It was hard to tell because Harry wore the biggest smile on his face and Lily swore he blew her a kiss.

“That’s my boy!” Lily yelled once she was no longer crying with pride.

The feat was wonderful, Lily thought it tasted better than it ever had before. Maybe it was the simple fact that her son was there with her.

“Bloody Gryffindor, just what I needed, another Gryffindor.” Regulus mumbled in discontent.

“He takes after his mum!” Lily beamed with pride.

Regulus rolled his eyes, “Oh please, he’s exactly like James. I shouldn’t even be surprised. I was just hoping for any other house, anything but the bloody lion’s den.”

“We win again.” Remus taunted, and they watched as Severus tried to hide his face of disgust.

Lily tried to act natural, but her eyes were glued to Harry, “Reg, look. He’s making friends!” She smiled as Harry talked to the redheaded Weasley boy. “Oh, what’s that one’s name again? That’s not Fred is it?”

Regulus shook his head, “I just call them all Weasley. Too many of them to keep track of.”

“Well excuse me for wanting to know his friend's names.” Lily huffed, “Starts with an ‘R’. Re- no, um, Ronald. That’s Ronald.”

“That’s a dreadful name, ‘Ronald Weasley’.” Regulus laughed.

“Says ‘Regulus Arcturus’.” Lily teased.

“What’s this meeting for again?” Remus asked as they took their seats for the sudden mandatory staff meeting, Lily just shrugged.

All the Professors sat down as Headmistress Minerva McGonagall began to speak. “Good evening, as you all are well aware, our property lies on the edge of The Forbidden Forest. In no uncertain terms, this area is of course, forbidden. That being said, there have been recent incidents of dead unicorns found in this area. If you have any information on the matter, it should be shared with me. Immediately. As always, discretion with the students on this matter is advised. Are there any questions?”

Lily’s hand shot up like a rocket, “Unicorn blood is only useful for half-lives. Who could possibly-”

“Well Professor Evans, that is the exact question I am raising as well. Thank you.” Minerva was curt and professional. The meeting continued with more boring information on new programs the school was running, and safety initiatives being put in place.

Lily didn’t like the fact that there was something dangerous lurking so close to the school, especially not so close to her son. Her idiotic eleven-year-old son who was wanted dead by at least a fourth of the wizarding world. “Is it Death Eaters?” Lily asked Regulus.

Regulus was unconcerned, he’d seen enough danger to last a lifetime and couldn’t understand why his wife was paranoid, “No, it’s not Death Eaters, they’ve no use for unicorn blood.”

Lily made Regulus roll up his sleeve so she could look at his scar, the one where the dark mark used to be. “Satisfied?” Regulus asked when they both saw that it was completely normal, there had been no call to meet from a dead man.

“I just want him to be normal. I want our son to have a normal, healthy life.” Lily reiterated for about the millionth time.

“We all do.” Regulus assured, “Let’s go home, James will be pacing around waiting.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m staying the night.”

“Harry will be fine, he doesn’t need you smothering him.”

Lily scoffed, “It is not smothering! It’s just mothering.”

“Father!” Harry rushed into Regulus’ office, “I need your help.”

Regulus put down the stack of papers he was grading, “It’s your first day, what could you possibly have done?”

Harry rolled his eyes, Regulus swore Harry looked exactly like his mother when he did that. He was sassy like her, “I haven’t done a single thing! It’s not my fault.”

Regulus doubted this but decided to hear his son out nonetheless, “How can I help you, dear?”

“Snivellus hates me!” Harry groaned in frustration.

Regulus nodded, trying to hide his amusement, “Perhaps it’s because you call him that.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “That’s what Dad and Pads call him.”

“It’s a cruel nickname, James and Professor Snape didn’t get along very well when they were at school.”

“Is that why he doesn’t like me? Cause of Dad? This is all Dad’s fault then. I didn’t do anything.”

Regulus sighed, “Show him some respect, please. I raised you better than to disrespect your teachers.”

Harry nodded, “I have mum tomorrow, should I be scared?”

“Yes.”

Teaching was supposed to be easy. Teaching had always been extremely easy for Lily, so she wasn’t sure why the new batch of first years was proving so difficult. Maybe it was the fact that her son was there, and Lily was constantly worried about her son. Lily would admit that when it came to Harry, she was paranoid. He was supposed to die, everyone had told her that he would die, and yet, when he was less than two, he faced Voldemort and lived.

Lily was doing her typical lesson plan, first day she liked to focus on the muggle-born students. The ones who were entirely new. Like she once was. She tried to explain things that wouldn’t quite make sense at first. The muggle-born students always took a liking to Professor Evans, while the pureblood students typically had a strong distaste for her.

There was one girl, who reminded Lily of herself. The brunette’s hand shot up nearly every five minutes. “Professor, is pronunciation important in casting a spell?”

Lily tried to remain patient with the bombardment of questions, she was typically good with patience. Afterall, Lily was far more obnoxious as a student. “Yes, it is. Good question. What’s your name?”

“Hermione Granger.”

“Well Ms. Granger, every component of a spell is important and when you move to advanced magic they should be executed flawlessly.” Lily smiled at Hermione, she liked this one.

Lily sat across the desk from her son, who was not even a week into his first year. “Now Mr. Potter, do you know why I’ve asked you here?”

Harry wasn’t sure whether or not this was a joke, “Mum, why are you calling me Mr. Potter?”

“Right now, you are not my son, you are my student and I won’t grant you preferential treatment.”

Harry paused, not sure he understood, “Are you disowning me?”

“This is serious business.”

“Sirius is here?” Harry looked around, Lily struggled not to strangle the eleven-year-old who was infuriatingly like James.

“Mr. Potter, do you know, why you’re here.” Lily reiterated, in hopes Harry could focus for five minutes, but she truly should have known better.

Harry racked his brain for a reason, but he couldn’t think of anything he’d done wrong. “Um, did I forget to write Dad?”

“You did, but that’s not why you’re here.” Lily stammered, taking a deep breath, “You fought Mr. Malfoy during your flying lesson.”

“Cause I hexed Draco? I thought I was in trouble.” Harry shrugged dismissing the entire meeting.

“You are in trouble, you can’t hex other students!” Lily reprimanded him.

Harry just laughed, “He’s not ‘another student’ he’s my cousin, it’s Draco.”

“He’s a student here, and either way, you can’t hex your cousin.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “Dad hexed Uncle Lucius last time we saw them.”

“Harry, your Dad is not always the best influence, and that’s why we can’t see your Father’s family anymore.” Lily was trying to be stern with the audacious pre-teen, yet she was failing miserably.

“Mum, you’re missing the point! I’m one of the best flyers they’ve ever seen. Hooch says I could join the quidditch team even!” Harry beamed pridefully.

The quidditch playing was not a surprise to Lily, James had put Harry on a broom before he could walk. But frankly, Lily didn’t want Harry playing the dangerous sport, and she was still supposed to punish him, “As your head of house, I have to give you a week's detention.”

“And as my Mum?” Harry asked hopefully.

“As your mum, I am extremely disappointed in you. Where did you even learn the bat bogey hex?” Lily questioned.

“I saw you use it on Uncle Sirius.” Harry answered like it was obvious, and Lily should have known it was her own bloody fault, but it was her favorite hex, and Sirius so often deserved it.

“Detention, one week.”

“Can it at least be with Uncle Remus?” Harry smiled, and tried to do puppy dog eyes, another trick James and Sirius had taught him.

“You’re with me. If you keep it up, I’ll put you with Professor Black.” Lily threatened, for a moment she thought about sending him over to Snape, but that seemed to be cruel and unusual punishment.

“Father is going to kill me!” Harry turned pale, “You can’t tell him!”

Lily wondered momentarily if her son was stupid, “Mr. Potter, I’m obligated to alert your parents.”

“You’re my mum! You’re alerted, you can even tell Dad, he’ll probably give me a high-five. But Father is going to kill me, your only son will be dead and it will be your fault. It will be your fault for telling Father that I hexed Draco.” Harry begged, Lily was glad at least one of his three parents had leverage.

“I have to tell him. Plus, he’s a Professor, he probably already knows.” Lily informed and Harry groaned. “You should be friends with that Hermione girl, she’d be a good influence on you,” Lily suggested, causing Harry to roll his eyes again.

“Hermione is a bossy know-it-all.” Harry’s lip curled in disgust as if it was the most awful idea he’d ever heard. “Plus, professors don’t get to dictate my friends.”

“Fine, your right.” Lily acquiesced. “Now, Mr. Potter, you are dismissed.” Harry got up and dragged his feet out the door.

Only seconds later, there was a knock on Lily’s office, “Come in.” She called, and Harry marched in.

“Can you be my mum right now?” Harry asked.

“Yes, Harry. What is it?”

Harry sighed and sat down across the desk once more, “I have the worst professor ever, she just gave me a week's detention and I didn’t even do anything. She’s a raging-”

“Out now, Harry.” Lily cut him off. Harry smiled pridefully as he left the room once more, and Lily had to wait until the door was closed to dissolve into a fit of laughter.

“You hexed Draco?” Regulus scolded his son.

“You can’t call me to your office just to yell at me.” Harry mumbled, “Most students don’t have to deal with this.”

Regulus glared sternly at Harry, “You’re not most students Harry, you know this.”

“Draco was bullying Neville! The Longbottom boy!” Harry defended. “It’s not my fault. Why is everyone acting like this is my fault?”

“Stop slouching.” Regulus corrected and Harry reluctantly straightened his spine. Regulus sighed, “You can’t hex people when you don’t get your way. You’re not a toddler.”

“Mum hexes people when she doesn’t get her way.” Harry pointed out his parent's hypocrisy.

“Harry, look at me.” Regulus waited until Harry met his father’s eyes, “Knock it off. You’re a Black, you’re better than this.”

“Yes, sir.” Harry mumbled.

“Speak clearly.”

“Yes, sir.” Harry over-enunciated the words to show his displeasure.

“Watch the attitude.” Regulus warned. “You’ll apologize to Draco, or I won’t sign the Quidditch permission slip.”

Harry’s eyes widened, “I’m on the team? Really?”

Regulus nodded, “If you apologize to your cousin you will be.”

“Yes, I’ll do it right now.” Harry rushed out, “Thanks Father!”

“Harry!” Regulus called, causing the boy to stop in his tracks and turn around, “I’m proud of you.” Harry smiled brightly at the praise before running off to apologize.

Notes:

Sorry, I know the writing in this isn't my best work, I may go back and edit it to make it more descriptive, but I just like the wholesome vibes and scenarios <3
I will update when I can!
As always, thanks for reading <3