Work Text:
It takes her a whole week before she decides to wear it.
The morning he leaves her with a crumpled brown bag full of promises and hopes, she forgets how to breathe. It takes her a while to get her bearings back, before Bruno bursts into her office and calls her about a case. The mix of pain and longing has to be put aside.
That evening when she goes home, she waits patiently for Noah to fall asleep before she pours herself a glass of wine, retrieves the brown bag from her handbag and sits carefully on her couch, aware of her recent injury. In the dim light of her living room, she allows herself to properly look at it. Displayed on the coffee table, next to Noah’s Switch cartridges and her wine glass, it’s glowing. She guesses the meaning of the letters, and lets her mind wander about Love, Compassion, Joy and Equanimity. She has to give it to him, Elliot knows her well, but it’s not a surprise.
A wave of sadness suddenly engulfs her, combined with regret and longing. They aren’t getting any younger, why can’t she allow herself to take a risk that may bring her something she never really granted herself. She has funneled all her traumas into her work for decades, blindly casting aside what she could claim for herself. And now he has gone again.
Brushing the melancholy aside she takes a closer look at the diamonds. They remain a mystery. Or perhaps she doesn’t want to go there. The potential meaning is too overwhelming. She lays back on the couch, stares at the ceiling for a while, trying to breathe calmly. She feels sleepy but the pain in her hip is creeping back. She needs a shower and pain killers, and possibly an ice pack. She shrugs and puts the necklace back in its small black box, and back in the paper bag. She stands up holding on to the back of the couch and swallows a moan. Then she picks up the bag and takes it with her to her bedroom. She doesn’t want Noah to see it. Not yet. There would be questions she isn’t ready for. Sure, she could lie, say she bought it herself, but she doesn’t want to lie about something that means so much to her. So, she shoves it in the underwear drawer, under a pile of bras, next to her small collection of USB operated toys. She scoffs at the irony, closes the drawer and walks carefully to the bathroom.
--
The next day is a nightmare. A small child is missing, possibly hurt, and Olivia knows she needs all her brain cells operating properly. She can’t allow herself to spare any to wonder about Elliot and his damn present. So, she works, diligently. She leads and she directs. Everyone is rushing around, and she takes one phone call after the other. There’s no time to eat, and certainly no time to consider the signification of eight diamonds.
It goes on for three days. Three days that pass like a storm, rumbling and devastating, between the tears of hopeless parents and the resigned eyes of her squad.
And at the end of the third day, the sky finally clears, and Velasco calls her with the news, the child has been found, beaten and bruised, but alive. She lets herself breathe again and starts making phone calls.
That night, back at her apartment, she’s too exhausted to think and falls asleep ten minutes after Noah.
--
The next morning, she gets up, showers and looks for underwear, her hand brushes the paper bag in the drawer. It feels like, after a three-day nightmare, her senses are back, and the feeling of the coarse material against her fingers reignites the small flame buried in her heart. She takes the pendant out, looks at it again and puts in on. She stares at herself, naked, it the mirror. At a certain angle, in the morning light of her bedroom, it almost looks like it’s part of her skin.
She scoffs at herself thinking Elliot actually got under her skin with his shiny gift. She wonders where he is, briefly. She toys with the idea of calling Ayanna and ask for an update, but it’s only been a few days and it would make her look desperate if not a bit pathetic. She’s still entertaining the idea that Elliot will keep in touch, and snickers at the thought he may have taken the stupid McCanns ornament with him.
Noah knocks on her door to remind her they must leave soon. She looks at herself once more in the mirror and takes the necklace off. Again, she’s not ready. Sadly, she realizes it seems to be a recurrent theme in her life. A thought for another day. She finishes getting dressed.
--
That evening she lets Amanda convince her to go out for dinner. Noah is spending the evening with a neighbor, something about a new season on Fortnite, so she accepts. Amanda is so close to giving birth, the waiter at the small bistro looks slightly panicked when they sit down, and the blonde woman has to push her chair so far back she can barely reach the table. He also looks at Olivia with suspicion when she sits awkwardly on her side.
It’s good to see Amanda. It’s good to see someone happy, who despite knowing the mayhem Olivia deals with every day, can bring some solace, peace and a good giggle.
Amanda asks about work, but Amanda being Amanda, she ends up asking about Elliot. Olivia shrugs, informs her that he’s gone again, albeit for work and hopefully not for too long. She toys with the stem of her wine glass. So, Amanda asks what’s going on, and Olivia ends up telling her everything. The blonde smiles and lets out a small laugh. She tells her friend how impressed she is with Elliot breaking the E off the garish ornament. Olivia smirks but her eyes are smiling. When Amanda moves on to the actual pièce de resistance, she doesn’t mince her words. She goes on and on about ‘something so expensive’ and ‘meaningful’. Olivia is getting close to thinking it may have been a mistake to share this with Amanda. Her head is spinning a little, and it can’t be the wine, she has been pacing herself as she’s the only one drinking.
Then she realizes her head is spinning because Amanda is throwing clear-cut facts at her. Elliot gave her a piece of jewelry because he cares about her and wants to convey how he feels about her. He wants to make a statement. A claim as well, for when she’s ready. Olivia hears all this, and she nods, and she knows already.
When they part, Amanda hugs her awkwardly, pregnant belly in the way, and threatens to repeat herself again, that little thing about not postponing joy… Olivia’s eyes are watery when she sees her friend climb clumsily in a cab.
The rest of the evening is spent with Noah going on and on about stuff she doesn’t understand, but his enthusiasm is contagious, so she nods and smiles at her boy, and for now she is at least experiencing some joy.
--
On the sixth day, he calls her.
It’s mid-morning and she’s standing at her desk, shuffling DD5s and attempting an email to McGrath. Her phone buzzes and she sees his name clearly displayed on the screen. Her heart jumps and in her eagerness to answer she drops the phone on the floor. It takes her an awkward few seconds to retrieve it, having to bend her bad hip. By the time she reaches it, it has stopped ringing, and she huffs in anger and disappointment. She stands back up and stares at the black screen. She’s not sure she should call him back. He has called her from his actual phone so surely… the phone rings once more. It’s him again. She answers immediately and hears his gravelly voice, warm and soothing. He says her name with anticipation. She smiles and whispers back. Their exchange is soft. He tells her he’s reached his destination, that it’s not ideal but he's settled. He explains he can’t say much but that he’ll try to call as often as he can. She can sense the longing in his voice, and the slight frustration he can’t be with her when they had finally reached a comfortable place. She replies in understandings and reassurances, with calming words. The conversation is brief, but it makes a monumental difference to her day.
She goes to the squad briefing with a smile floating on her lips and Fin looks at her with suspicion but doesn’t say anything. And the rest of the day feels like she’s wrapped in a cloud of candy floss. It’s like she’s 14 again, or even 20, or young enough to naively believe in the simplicity of love.
That evening she takes the pendant out of its hiding place and stares at it again. She lets her fingers feel it properly, the chain, the disc, even the weight of it. She hears the echo of Elliot’s low voice earlier on the phone, soft and hopeful. So, she breathes and makes a decision, knowing full well that deep inside she decided ages ago. It’s like a veil lifting off, gentle and light. Except for the cruel reality of his absence, there won’t be any more joy postponed, as corny and cliché as it sounds, as far remote from her inner cynicism as it sounds, she decides to be ready.
--
The following day is her day off and she spends it lounging around the apartment, trying to stretch her hip and catch up on boring but necessary chores. She manages to watch a movie with Noah and cook food from scratch, a success in her book.
By bedtime she’s eager for the next day to start and when she wakes up, the sun is out despite the early hour. She showers and dresses quickly. And puts it on, proudly.
Noah doesn’t notice, his head buried in his cereal bowl.
On her way to work she checks her reflection a few times in the rear-view mirror and smiles.
She’s the first one to arrive at the precinct, and she goes to her office, checking herself once again in the glass partition. She feels a little silly. After all it’s just jewelry, most people probably won’t notice but to her it means so much more. It’s an affirmation, a declaration, and she wants to wear it proudly.
When Fin arrives, he goes straight to her office, sits opposite her and glances at her briefly. He smirks. ‘What’s that bling around your neck? Did Stabler give it to you?’.
She smirks back. ‘Wouldn’t you like to know’ she snaps back. She clutches the compass in her hand and sits clumsily with a smile on her face.