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The tired sighs of the fire, sent his mood into a spiral. He used to be so happy when he spent time with her, but now. He’s left defeated whenever she’s around. The constant pining banging its way around his head has driven him into a wall. A very steep fucking wall that he cannot climb.
He loved to be soaked in her presence and graced with her smiles however it’s become too much, it’s all consuming, it’s all he can think about. In his eyes she is everything, everything he is not. Everything he pretends to be and laid down as to why he is so wrong.
The pining ruins him, day or night it doesn’t matter. He thinks of the slight tear trail renting the space beside her eye, the freckles along her nose and the blue in her eyes. He wished he could drown himself in them yearning for that relief knowing it would never come to life.
She could never imagine him in such a way, he wasn’t insecure but he had his limits. She was it.
He wanted her so bad it felt like Cupid was dragging a knife through his heart when he seen this new development. The spoon he was holding fell like a boulder. The weight of gravity becoming clearer, he was falling. Hard.
Not in the good way, he realised. He was falling the same way he always had. Rough and rugged and unnoticed. It felt as though hands were grasping at his ridged stature and tried to pull him to the ground, through the earth and it’s core, right down to hell.
This was hell.
He wished he could go but he realised he was already there, nothing could be worse. He pondered daily if she would actually find someone but they spent to much time together for that. He was wrong obviously.
His eyes started stinging and he could picture how this would go if he stayed here. So he ran.
It wasn’t fair. He knew that much.
But he needed this, he needed the comfort of the outside air, he needed to hold something that wasn’t as tactile as their friendship clearly was. He needed solitude in this certain moment. He hated surprises and this one took the cake, he hated everything in fact, he hated this silly boy who had taken her away from him, he hated himself for not being good enough and he definitely hated gravity for not being able to drag him down through the earth.
This wasn’t fair but somehow the crispness of the air calmed him down. The tears flew down his faces, sighs heaving their way through him, loud and disruptive. He was finished with this charade, with all of it. He decided he was going to flee the country. He shouldn’t have this strong of feeling in his gut, pushing its way around.
It wasn’t fair but the girl in the doorway said otherwise. Turning around she lingered there like a ghost and he wondered if she was actually there with him.
She was. And she was stabbing him and twisting the knife around. Or that’s what he wished, she casually asked if he was ok, clearly unaware to the catastrophe inside his heart. The tear in his heart so large the sighs were silenced. Silent sobs taking a stand and protesting against all the salt in his eyes.
He wanted to leave, run away and never come back.
But he couldn’t so he turned around and looked at her.
She took one look at him and sighed. “You’re always so dramatic”.
He stared.
He stared and he waited for the audience to start laughing, he waited for the show to be over because there was no way she could say that after everything.
The tears coursing their way through his eyelashes seized as well as the pounding in his ears. She had said that and the knife was back. Twisting its way through him once again.
He stared and stared. Longing for gravity to step in and drag him down once again.
A beat of silence and she retreated back to her current lover.
He stood for what felt like years on that rooftop. He should have known this would happen eventually.
He doesn’t deserve love, not from her.
Wiping his eyes he returned to the room gathering himself and his spoon up and left in a forgotten silence.