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It's a four story drop, but that's not a problem. He isn't as graceful as Dick Freakin' Grayson. No one was as graceful as Dick Freakin' Grayson, but Jason-Back-From-The-Dead-Todd does alright. His muscles remember how to bend on impact, how to take a hit. He rolls when he hits the pavement, turning the downward momentum into forward motion. The reflexes drilled into him as a kid carry him through. It's funny how some things remained- even after death. Jason smirks and feels the now familiar weight of the gun in his belt. Some things changed.
The gun had been a bad idea, obviously. Jason's not sure what he had expected- maybe for Dick to laugh, or cower for just a moment before standing his ground with a stubborn jut of his perfect chin. It was a sick joke either way. What he hadn't expected was for Dick to stare back at him calmly and ask Jason to pull the trigger- for Dick to ask him for forgiveness when there was nothing there to forgive. It was a joke. It was supposed to have been a joke. He had just wanted Dick to see him, to see what Jason is now.
When he'd first come back to life Jason hadn't been able to see much of anything beyond his rage. Boiling. Deadly. Red. He'd wanted to tear down everything. He'd wanted to watch it all burn to the ground. So Jason had done what he'd done just to breathe, and he'd hurt who he'd hurt just to feel, and it had gotten easier, eventually. Easier to see around the mad, to notice the rest of the world waiting for him in the margins. It was easier now to lower the gun or snuff out the matches. But there were still times when he hesitated.
Jason can still feel the rage inside of him, coiling just under his skin. Waiting. It rested on the hair fine trigger of fear and self doubt- ready to explode like an H bomb the moment Jason reaches for his gun. The next criminal he sees is going to have a very- very bad night, Jason thinks to himself.
In many ways Jason Todd never came back to life at all. He knows he's different than he was before he died. No one could go through what he had and remain the same. His head is still foggy. His memories are still fuzzy. They filter back to him in broken pieces of shrapnel like shards of glass to the heart, and they hit hard.
Jason does remember Dick from before. He wishes he didn't but he does. That Dick, old Dick, had been cheeky, and so full of life he could light up Gotham at midnight. That Dick was a far cry from the breath-away-from-broken man upstairs. Old Dick was laughter, and a shit eating smile that begged Jason to hit it. New Dick had sad eyes that begged Jason to pull the trigger.
But Jason hadn't done either. True to form he had opted instead for the one course of action guaranteed to end in disaster.
If the gun had been a bad idea, the kiss had been a worse one.
Jason's not kidding himself. He knows that whatever affection Dick thinks he has for Jason it's just the product of years of misplaced guilt. It's guilt Jason never wanted in the first place. It's an unpaid debt that no one owes.
Jason's not even particularly worried about hurting Dick either. Dick's so hurt already he's beyond Jason's capabilities to damage. Besides Dick thinks Jason's some kind of dream, which means Jason's not even real to Dick. It also means Dick hasn't talked to Bruce and that's a whole 'nother issue. So no, Jason's not worried about hurting Dick's feelings at this point in time.
He's looking out for himself here and that's what makes Jason worry. He's worried because his heart is pounding more than it should from the simple act of jumping out the window. He's worried because his wind chapped lips still throb from the kiss he shouldn't have given. He's worried because he meant every word he'd said back there and most of what he hadn't said. Most of all he's worried because it's Dick. It's Dick. Freakin'. Grayson.
Dick really should have said something. Jason reasons. Dick was the older of the two, the compassionate older brother. It was his responsibility.
But Jason remembers being 17, remembers the feeling of his life stretching out like a highway before him. He's not that much older now it's true, but now he feels his life is less an endless highway and more a multi-car pile up in a raging snowstorm. He remembers being 17 and pushing thoughts aside to focus on Here. Now. Batman. Robin. There would be time enough for other things later. He had thought that he had time. Little had he he known. He'd had all the time in the world back then- to say something- do anything- and he hadn't. Maybe that was just part of the contradiction of being a teenager half way to adulthood but still far away - knowing you had time but never wanting to take it, always wanting to skip ahead to the good parts in life until you ended up with no time left at all.
Jason's frozen, it feels like he's frozen. Stuck in a place where there's time, and no time, and the clock is running backwards. But Jason's not 17 anymore, and Dick had said he wanted him. But maybe that was just because Jason had died. Jason tries not to fool himself- Dick wouldn't have looked at him like that at 17, not in a million years.
But if he had- if he had said something-then maybe Jason would have said something back. Maybe Jason wouldn't be here in this dingy alley behind Dick's apartment. He wouldn't be leaning against the rough brick trying to catch his breath 'cause it feels like someone's punched him in the gut. Or maybe he would. If Dick had spoken up, maybe Dick wouldn't even be alive. If they ever had had a chance to be...more...then Jason dying might have destroyed Dick entirely, instead of leaving the shell like it had.
It feels like it's destroying Jason instead. He is filled with regret for words he never said, for things he might have had, for time he didn't have to lose. And Jason feels sick.
It was only a four story drop, it shouldn't have been a problem, but this rabbit hole goes deeper than Jason had realized. It began with a sick joke and a kiss but he can't tell where it ends. He's doesn't know what he's gonna do when he hits the bottom but he knows he'll land on his feet.
He's not as graceful as Dick Freakin' Grayson, but Jason-Back-From-The-Dead-Todd, well, he does alright.
