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The sun had set on a cold winter's day in Jackson, Wyoming. Jesse was finally considered physically and emotionally stable enough to be given control of patrols again, but not quite yet to be going out on them. even with the news that he still had to stay in Jackson, he was happy to be given any sort of job at all. After a day of long meetings about scheduling, seeing the new volunteers, and handling radio communication to groups of patrols, he was happy to say that life was starting to feel normal again.
Well, as normal as it could feel. After all, life can't ever be the same after Seattle. Not only was it emotionally damaging in ways he would have never anticipated, but he's been weighed down with jaw and shoulder pain that comes and goes in waves of intensity. The medic in town said his collarbone was broken from the bullet and had healed awkwardly around the projectile that hadn't left his body, and his jaw had also been broken and healed awkwardly. It had also shattered several teeth, and that the medic had nothing to fix it until he could find someone with dentistry skills, which was highly unlikely. But the biggest change of all to him was fitting fatherhood into his life. Becoming a parent alongside his best friend and his ex-girlfriend is not something he expected out of life, yet somehow, here he was, and he was entirely overwhelmed.
Jesse knew he wasn't alone, of course. His mom was a sweet, patient women who he told everything to, but somehow, he couldn't tell her this. Somehow, in his heart and in his mind, his mother wouldn't be able to handle all he was feeling and dealing with. Maybe it was because he didn't want to worry his mom, because he wanted to protect her. Or maybe it was because he was afraid, for the first time in his life, that his mom wouldn't understand.
Whatever the reason was, he didn't care to try and think of it as he walked from the stables, wincing at the pang the cold put in his jaw as the freezing night air touched him. He just knew that as he was walking, he wasn't heading to his own home. He was heading to Joel's.
As Jesse walked, he was amazed at how correct this felt. Even as anxiety swelled in his chest as his mind raced with every fear he's had about parenting; he felt a strange blanket of calm as well. Jesse had always looked up to Joel. He had always been a force of sureness since he showed up with Ellie five years ago, and Jesse felt that Joel would likely be the person who would understand what Jesse was going through the most. After all, he wasn't entirely Ellie's dad (even though there's nothing else he could be to her at this point), but he certainly was someone's, and that had to count for something.
Jesse tried to breathe as evenly as he could as he approached the porch of Joel's house, afraid of showing any hint of fear. Joel was sitting on his porch, awkwardly strumming his guitar, and Jesse respected Joel too much to just immediately burst into tears in front of him without warning. Instead, he stopped in front of the porch and stuck up his hand in a friendly wave.
"Hey Joel," he called out, trying to sound pleasant and keep his voice from cracking. As he spoke, Joel's strumming stopped, and he looked up from his guitar. Returning the wave he said, "hi, Jesse. It's a little late for you to be walking this way, right? Don't you live on the other side of town?"
Shit.
"Uh, yeah, yes sir I do. I was just ... I was going for a walk. I just turned in for the day, 'cause Maria gave me back control of the patrols part time and I thought I'd take a walk." Jesse fumbled, wincing slightly at how nervous he sounded. When had the confidence he possessed left his body? Joel simply nodded in response and seemed like he was about to go back to playing his guitar. Jesse felt panic rising in his throat. He didn't want that to happen, he came here to talk to Joel. He needed to talk to Joel, but what was he going to do?
"Do you mind if I come up on the porch? I just remembered I had something I wanted to ask you," Jesse blurted out before he could stop himself. Joel raised and eyebrow, but just nodded in response and moved to prop the guitar against the wall under the window. Jesse suddenly felt his breath release and his shoulders relax, and he knew he had gotten the first hard step out of the way.
He made his way up the few creaky steps to the porch and stood in front of Joel, leaned back on the railway with his hands in his pockets. Jesse was doing his best to make himself appear calm and collected, and even though he was always nervous in front of the men he respected, he didn't remember it actually being difficult to not look nervous. The silence while Joel was setting his guitar down and getting settled in his chair again seemed to be agonizing and painful, but Jesse just tried to focus all his attention on looking aloof.
"Alright Jesse, you've got my attention. What'd you wanna ask me?" Joel said, calm and collected as always. He sounded distant in the way Jesse wanted to be, and perhaps even a little uncomfortable. Ellie and Dina said he had the ability to be distant or awkward in emotional circumstances, and that made Jesse even more nervous. So nervous it was getting hard to speak. Along with the pain in his jaw seemingly getting more intense, it felt like his anxiety was pressing on his vocal cords, but he did his best to drag it down.
Jesse cleared his throat. "Yeah, uh, I was just ... wondering if you maybe had any advice on this dad thing? I don't know ... my situation isn't typical, and you may have no idea about what it is to be in my shoes but, balancing work and ... othering things and this dad thing is harder than I expected." Jesse said, forcing the words to come out as calmly as he wanted them to sound. The last thing he wanted to be was desperate sounding, and he turned his head away so Joel couldn't see the anxious, shame-riddled tears filling his eyes. He prayed that his breath stayed level, but it was starting to feel shallow and ragged. Jesse did not like where this was going.
"Oh, uh, yeah Jesse, sure." Joel scrubbed a hand over his face. It seemed clear that this wasn't he expected, but he wasn't going to be rude and turn him away. "Parenting should ... be your priority y'know? Whatever free time you have isn't yours anymore it's ... it's your kid's, especially when they're little. And you're a parent for life now kid. You need to act like it for life." Joel said, in a surprisingly soft tone, albeit a little awkwardly. "That baby don't know nothin' about the world, he just knows he needs you."
Jesse let out a sob and quickly turned away from Joel, gripping the railing hard. He couldn't help it, those words seemed to come out of nowhere and sucker punch the anxiety up and out of him. He realized he had no idea how he was going to meet what this kid needed. Jesse didn't feel like a strong man. Jesse felt like Seattle broke him into a million pieces. He woke up screaming most nights, hands shaking and flying to his face, feeling scar tissue, expecting a bloody hole that he could feel his broken teeth through. His shoulder ached and screamed and sometimes it was hard to hold JJ. He absolutely hated that it hurt him to hold his son a lot of days. How was he going to be a good father when he didn't have the strength to give his son affection. His body and his mind were failing him, and before he knew it he was shaking with gasping sobs, wrapped up in his own spiraling thoughts.
Jesse didn't notice Joel carefully standing up. Somehow, even with the prosthetic, and the cane, Joel managed to be incredibly quiet when he wanted to be, and oh did he want to be. He understood how easily startled one can get in a panicked stated, and he didn't want to be suddenly loud. He carefully made his way over to the railing and stood an arm's distance away from Jesse, turning his head to look at the man in front of him. He could make out the sunken purple under his eyes and see that it had been some time since he had properly shaved last in the low light of the front porch. The poor boy looked, frankly, exhausted.
Awkwardly, Joel extended a hand and rested it on Jesse's shoulder and patted it gently twice. To both men it felt odd and unwarranted, but Joel was unsure of what to do to make him feel better. People need to cry when they start crying, right? So, Joel was intent to let him, but he also needed to keep speaking. He could tell they were both uncomfortable with the silence, and he didn't want Jesse to feel judged, even if they both felt uncomfortable.
"Listen kid," Joel said in the most matter-of-fact tone he could muster without sounding too harsh. "There is going to be a lot of days for the rest of your life that you feel like this. I wish I could tell you that most days will be easy, but they won't. Your days won't be easy ever again. I know that ... that you're struggling now, but even on days where you feel like this, you will at least learn to cope better. And you ain't alone either. Dina and Ellie ... well I know they want you 'round, and you ain't the only one that's been through hell." Joel sighed and shook his head, patting Jesse's shoulder awkwardly once again. "If you need to talk about somethin', you can. You came all this way, and you're cryin' on my porch. Might as well say what's on your mind."
Jesse sniffed, digging his palms into his eyes and pulling away from Joel, who let him without any protest. He took several ragged breaths, trying to get himself under control, and when he finally did, he choked out "my body hurts, I'm having nightmares and I think it's making me a bad father."
There was a long silence. They could smell the smoke billowing from fireplaces and hear a dog bark occasionally. Jesse refused to meet Joel's eyes, shame practically pooling at his feet. Joel ended up being the one to break the silence, clearing his throat and saying "you ... you aren't the only one to have nightmares and it isn't fair that you have them. You aren't the only one who hurts either. I was terrified I was gonna drop the boy, but there's ways around that, Jesse. You gotta be willing to find the solutions and the fact that you're here, talking to me is ... a start, I guess. But boy, you gotta start tryin' harder. There are women in your life who were there with you."
Jesse managed a small chuckle and shook his head. "Ellie was right. You are terrible at this," he said with a weak joking tone. "But you're right. This ... this isn't enough to get better, no offense."
"Oh, none taken." Joel said. "I am ... I am around and I won't stop being here for you. But all I'm good for is dad advice, and you are a good dad, Jesse. You're so worried about being a good dad, you came asking to make yourself a better dad. Just ... just be there for your kid. Dina can get you one of them baby wrap things to make holding him easy on yourself. And you gotta just ... speak to him and help him grow. Right now at this stage, you gotta talk to him like he's a person, and he's got grandparents to come vist when you kids are overwhelmed. There ain't nothin' wrong with that, but you oughta talk to the doctor about this anxiety. You're gonna wild up with ulcers, I would know."
Jesse snorted. "Ulcers, noted." He thought for a moment that maybe he should ask, but then he decided against it. "JJ isn't gonna think I'm weak because of these nightmares, is he? I can teach him that being scared is okay but ... I don't want him to worry as he gets older." He admitted, staring out across the street into the night.
"The best thing to try and do is ... keep this away from him. Your feelings should never become your kid's problem. But havin' them ... won't stop and that is just a fact, and it doesn't make you worse for it. It makes you human. Right now he lives with the girls, but that could change. And if he ends up finding out when he's older, you're gonna have to be honest with him that you're afraid. Kids don't understand what weakness is, Jesse. They do understand distress though and lying ... well lying just fucks things up."
"How would I even go about being honest? A kid doesn't need to know what Ellie, Dina and I have been through. Not for a long time, anyway."
"You say that ... life is scary sometimes. And it can have a lasting effect but you're working to become less afraid every day. You tell him that you're getting better. JJ should be a reason to get better. When he's old enough to understand, or starts having nightmares of his own, that's when you can explain in more detail. Everything in your parenting should be a teachable moment. Even when you're talkin' about yourself."
Jesse nodded slowly, and they stood there in silence for a moment. "I think I can ... manage teachable moments. I think I can manage getting better when I talk to the girls ... and the doc. Thanks for ... whatever this has been. I'm gonna head home, goodnight Joel."
Jesse began to walk of the porch, and heard Joel settle into his chair and say "goodnight Jesse. Just one more thing before you go."
Jesse stopped in his tracks. "Yes sir?"
"If you ever put your hands on that boy I'm puttin' you in the ground. Disciplin' kids shouldn't ever mean hittin" 'em. If i find out that's what you do, you're a dead man."
Jesse nodded. "Yes sir, I understand. I wouldn't ever dream of hurting him."
Jesse smiled as he walked away. Knowing that his son has so many people looking out for him made the ball of anxiety loosen in his chest a bit. Teachable moments, hm? As he walked home that night, he realized he could handle that.