Work Text:
It had been, by all the typical metrics, a normal Friday.
Work at the lab had been hectic, but no more so than usual for the end-of-week crunch. Traffic was bad afterwards, but not in an unexpected way, as people fled the inner city and left their jobs behind for the weekend. And the decaf coffee I’d bought on my way back to the suburbs had become a routine treat for surviving another week of life.
I settled in for the evening once I finally made it through my apartment’s front door. After swapping out my scrubs for sweats, I spent a couple hours happily curled up on the couch, decompressing with mindless television. I was dozing off and idly contemplating what I was going to do for dinner—going back out sounded like a lot of work, but I knew there wasn’t much to scrounge up at home—when the phone rang.
In and of itself, the phone ringing wasn’t unusual. I figured it was probably my younger sister a few states away, calling to regale me with the latest gossip from her friend group. But when I finally made it to the other side of the room and put the receiver to my ear, offering a “hello,” the voice that answered was anything but expected.
“Hey, uh… is this still Rebecca’s number?” an unsure voice asked.
I froze at the other end of the line. The sound coming through the phone was slightly tinny, and it had been years since we talked. But even taking those things into account, there was no doubt who I was speaking to.
“Gerard?” I asked after a moment, probably sounding as surprised as I felt. I saw my own confused expression reflected in the mirror on the living room wall.
“Yeah!” The voice on the other end sounded more confident now, even relieved. “Yeah, it’s me. Long time, no talk, Rebs. I, uh… I had your phone number from that Christmas card you sent us a few years ago.”
I nodded to myself. “I remember. I think I sent those right after I moved.” I tried not to focus on the fact that it had taken him years to call, brushing past the momentary hurt. It wasn’t every day you lost contact with your best friend.
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m not too sure…” He trailed off for a moment. “So, I mean, how’ve you been?”
I blinked. “I’ve been fine,” I said carefully, still confused by the interaction.
“Good. I mean, that’s really good. I’m glad.”
Gerard didn’t sound disingenuous, but he was clearly beating around the bush about something. I tried to be patient, and he started again when I didn’t respond.
“So, uh, you had moved to Chicago, right?”
“Yep. That’s where I am now,” I said, leaning a shoulder against the wall and starting to play with the spiral phone cord, wrapping it around my pointer finger. “What about you?”
“Still based outta Jersey. No surprise. But I’m actually in Chicago at the moment.”
I raised my eyebrows at my reflection in the mirror, starting to piece together a picture of why he might be calling. “Oh?”
“Yeah. Well, y’know, just for the night. I was wondering, uh… are you busy right now?”
I looked at the clock to see it was somehow after nine. I winced slightly. I had a long commute home, but had been dozing for longer than I’d realized. “No,” I answered, drawing the word out. It was Friday night; maybe I should’ve been busy. “Why?”
“Well, I—I mean, I know it’s been a long time. I remembered you lived here, so—I just thought—” He struggled to admit why he was calling, starting sentences and then cutting himself off again and again. Finally, I intervened.
“Hey, Gerard, I don’t mean to be rude, but—are you okay? ‘Cause I’m super glad to hear from you, but this is the weirdest phone conversation I’ve ever had.” I laughed awkwardly at the end, hoping to soften the words somewhat.
“Oh, yeah! I mean, I’m okay, just…” He trailed off. There was a sigh. I waited again. For a few seconds, I thought the line had gone dead. And then: “Well, actually… shit, I’m sorry to call you for this, Rebs. But I’m kinda in a bind. Is there any way I could crash at your place tonight?” Any cheer in his tone had dropped off, voice gone low and serious.
I wasn’t particularly shocked by the request, given all the build-up he’d done. “Yeah, of course you can,” I said, not having to think about it. I’d said it like it was obvious, though I supposed it wasn’t anymore. “Where the hell are you? Do you need me to come get you?”
“Yeah,” he answered, sounding somewhat guilty. “I’m really sorry. I’m in a band now and our van broke down, like, an hour ago. I’m at the mechanic, but they can’t do anything until tomorrow. It’s just me here, so I was gonna sleep in the car, but it’s cold as shit tonight.”
I raised my eyebrows again. He’d finally cut to the chase there, and I was grateful for it. Novembers in Chicago were no fucking joke, though, and I found myself wanting to get to him as soon as possible.
“Okay, where are you?” I asked. I was more than ready to jump in the car, tethered in place only by the phone cord. He was near an intersection, apparently, and gave me the names of the auto shop and two streets to go off of. “I’m also near a big camping supply store, if that helps.”
It did. My minor panic at only recognizing one of the street names was quelled. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can. It’ll probably be thirty minutes, though. Just try to stay warm, okay?” I asked, not entirely able to keep the pleading note out of my voice.
“You’re the fucking best, Rebs. Yeah, I will. I’ll see you soon.”
We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, racing to my bedroom to throw on some layers. It was too late for the sweat pants to come off, but at least I could add a coat or two and some socks for warmth. It’s not the outfit I would’ve preferred for seeing an old friend after so long, but it would have to do.
I got in the car, wincing at the biting cold of the steering wheel on my palms and quickly leaving my apartment complex, speeding down the familiar roads. I knew where the camping supply store was, and thankfully, it was in the suburbs. This would’ve been a nightmare if he was lost in the city proper.
It took some circling the surrounding streets, but I eventually found the intersection I was looking for. I spotted the darkened auto shop and pulled into the parking lot, illuminated by one stark yellow street lamp. The glowing numbers on my car’s radio display read 10:17.
I peered through the windshield, squinting and hoping to get a glance of the guy I’d come to retrieve. This was far from the worst part of town, but it wasn’t the best, either. The lot was filled with cars, all of them presumably empty at this time of night, but it was impossible to see through the black windows. Any number of things could’ve been lying in wait to jump out at me.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and whipped my head towards it. A man in dark clothing had stepped out of a white, graffitied van that was parked directly in front of the shop. He scrubbed a hand down his face and looked in my direction.
Seven years may have passed, but I’d know that smile anywhere.
He made his way over to the old Civic, opening the passenger door and dropping into the seat like he’d done a hundred times back in the day. I felt like I was tripping through time. Chicago faded, and for just a moment, I was a high schooler in Belleville again. I almost could have believed we were on the way to the convenience store, stopping for snacks to sneak into the movie theatre, before reality snapped back like a rubber band.
Gerard huffed out a sigh, hands rubbing up and down his arms to try to keep warm. He turned to look at me properly and grinned despite it all. “Hey,” he said.
I was stunned for a moment, still trying to convince myself that this was real and modern-day and not a dream. I fiddled with the temperature control knobs, blasting the heat as well as the car could manage and angling the vents towards him. “Hey there,” I finally said, laughing. I felt giddy and concerned and confused all at once.
“You gonna make it?” I continued a moment later, gesturing to him. I wasn’t sure what to say, but he was noticeably shivering. I unbuckled long enough to pull off my outermost coat, tossing it at him to use like a blanket. He didn’t protest. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna be fine now.” He draped the coat over his front and sighed again, looking at me. “Thank you, Rebs.”
“Yeah. Sure thing,” I said. I smiled fondly, taking a moment to get a proper look at him in the yellow light. Hazel eyes hadn’t changed. His nose was still straight, and I was still a little surprised it had stayed unbroken, considering some of the shit we’d dealt with in high school. Black hair was unkempt and probably longer than his parents would’ve approved of, from what I remembered. All in all, I found myself comforted by how little had changed.
I brought myself back to the present again. “I’m sure you’re tired of being outside. Let’s get back home, yeah?” Gerard nodded, and I put the car in reverse.
When we were back on a main road, I decided it was time to let out some of the questions that had been building in my mind the whole drive over. “So, you said you’re in a band now?” I asked. “Last I heard, you were going to art school.”
I could see him nod in my peripheral vision. “Yeah, I did. I worked drawing cartoons and stuff for a few years, but… I dunno. I really got this feeling that I should’ve been doing something more. So I finally decided to give music a real try.”
I nodded, glancing over at him. “Yeah, I understand. It can be hard to find that kind of meaning. But if you feel like you have it now, that’s fantastic.”
“Yeah, for sure. We’ve been a band for about a year. We’ve been writing and touring around the East Coast, mostly, but got a chance to play this festival in Madison and couldn’t pass it up. We recorded an album this past summer, too.”
I was impressed. It sounded like they’d gotten much further than any of the bands he’d been involved with in high school, though to be honest, those had mostly just been excuses to hang out. “Rock band, I presume?”
“Oh, yeah. You know it.” I smiled at the response, remembering all the time we'd spent listening to his and my old cassettes in the very car we were in now. I sang loudly and badly, but he sang loudly and well. The one time I’d pointed it out, he seemed embarrassed and brushed it aside, so I hadn’t brought it up again. But it was really nice to hear he was doing music again.
“You the singer?” I asked.
He barked out a short laugh. “I have to be; I’m not good enough at guitar, am I?”
I shook my head, but smiled. As self-effacing as ever. “So, then, where did the rest of the band go?”
Gerard explained that they’d brought both the tour van and Mikey’s Corolla out on the road. “It’s a local festival we’re playing, and they need the bands to help set up in the morning if you want a spot on the ticket. Everyone else went on ahead to be there bright and early, and I stayed to try to get the van fixed. We try to bring as little shit with us as possible, but we gotta have two cars for five people and all our gear.”
I nodded slowly, processing what he’d said as we came to a red light. I looked over at him again. He’d stopped shivering, thankfully, but now I noticed just how worn out he looked. They surely weren’t living anything close to a life of luxury, if the dark shadows under his eyes were to be believed.
“When’s the last time you ate?” I asked suddenly, not caring that I probably sounded like a worried mom.
He considered the question. “I had some pretzels this morning, I think.”
I blinked at him slowly. When the light turned green, I promptly changed our route and whipped the car down a side street. “Uh… where are we going?”
“McDonald’s. Nowhere else is open this late.”
“I’ll be okay, Rebs, really—”
I gave him a look out of the corner of my eye that effectively shut him up. We pulled up to the drive thru a few minutes later.
“I’m getting you something to eat. What do you want?”
“Seriously, you don’t have to—”
I reached over and grabbed his forearm on the center console, cutting him off again. I realized in the back of my mind that it was the first time I’d touched him in seven years and that seemed so weird—
“It’s a McDonald’s. And I’ve got a real job now, remember?” One corner of my mouth tilted up into a smile, hoping to work my way past his reflex to turn down the offer. “Get whatever you want. I promise it won’t break the bank.”
“O-okay, if you’re sure…” His concerned eyes slid from mine to the illuminated menu board. “Uh, I’ll have a number 2. Please.”
I ordered for myself and for him, upsizing the french fries and adding two milkshakes for good measure. I hoped strawberry was still his favorite. When we pulled around, I plopped the drinks in the cupholders and passed him the warm bag. After I insisted he didn’t wait for me, he wolfed down all of his food and half the milkshake in the car. I felt vindicated, but it did nothing to make me less worried.
When we made it back to the apartment, I led him into the small kitchen so we could sit down and I could eat. “Sorry I didn’t have anything good here to give you for dinner,” I said, pausing to take a bite of my hamburger. “You guys must be sick of fast food if you’re traveling all the time.”
He shook his head, finishing off the last of his milkshake. “No, definitely don’t apologize for that. This was at least, like, more real than most gas station snacks,” he chuckled. When he saw the worried pinch to my brow, though, his smile faded. “I promise I’m fine, Rebs. It’s really a lot of fun, in a weird way. But I’m super fucking glad you were still living around here.”
I nodded, willing my expression into something more neutral. “Yeah, me too. I can’t believe you were going to sleep outside in Chicago in the winter. It’s literally freezing!”
“Hey, hey, I was going to sleep in the car, not outside!” he said defensively, waving his hands. I sighed, smiling despite myself. “Yeah, well… if the car’s dead, I doubt it would’ve done much to keep you warm.” I said matter-of-factly. I crumpled up the burger wrapper in front of me, tossing it into the trash can in the corner while he rolled his eyes playfully.
“So,” I started again, meeting his gaze across the kitchen table, “if I’m guessing right and this is one of the few nights you’re staying somewhere half-decent, you should probably get a shower.” I gave him a once-over, eyeing shiny hair reflecting under the fluorescent kitchen lights and his generally haggard appearance. He almost could’ve passed for a zombie from one of the many horror movies we’d watched back in the day. “No offense, but you look like you need it. You don’t have a change of clothes, do you?”
He didn’t protest my appraisal, just shaking his head. “No. Like I said, we’re trying to travel light. The guys took what I had in the other trunk.”
“That’s okay. I’m sure I’ve got something here you can borrow, and I’ll throw those in the wash for you.” I nodded at his current ensemble of a black button-down and torn jeans.
“Oh, no, you really don’t have to do that,” he said, looking somewhat embarrassed. I shrugged. “Might as well while you’re here, right? I sprung for the in-unit laundry, so we should make use of it.”
He seemed reluctant to inconvenience me. It almost made my heart hurt, in a dumb kind of way, with how close we’d been before. Ten years ago, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But after a moment, he nodded. “Okay, yeah. Thank you. Which way’s the bathroom?”
I pointed him towards it, grabbing an extra towel from the closet on the way there. “If you wanna go ahead and hop in and just put your stuff outside the door, I’ll bring you a change of clothes. Okay?”
He agreed and went into the bathroom as instructed. I continued to my bedroom at the end of the hall, off in search of something that would fit him. Luckily, I still had some comfortable clothes from an ex-boyfriend that I’d been reluctant to throw away. My affection for the man himself had long since faded, but there was no need to toss out perfectly good clothes. I pulled the long-sleeved tee and joggers out of the bottom dresser drawer, appraising them. They’d probably be about right for Gerard.
When I passed by the bathroom again, I dropped off the clean clothes and picked up the pile he’d left, whisking them quickly into the washing machine without looking too closely at anything. Once the laundry was started, I settled back on the couch and picked up a book from the side table, waiting for him to re-emerge.
Try as I might, I wasn’t absorbing any of the words on the page. My brain was stuck in a loop trying to process the night’s strange turn of events. Just as I was really about to give up and put it down, I heard the shower shut off.
Gerard reappeared a minute later, dressed in clothes that were slightly too big. I beckoned him over to the couch.
“Here,” I said, getting up and wrapping not one, but two fuzzy blankets around his shoulders. We were standing quite close together, and he smelled nice now. I tried to ignore the uptick in my heart rate, reminding myself that we’d been close a million times before. “You were stressing me out earlier,” I said, trying to distract myself while he watched me with a glimmer of amusement. “I wanna make sure you’re not somehow still cold.”
Gerard chuckled, but went along with my coddling, dutifully pulling the blankets tighter around himself. “Whatever you say, boss.”
I was hit with another dull pang of sadness. It had been an awfully long time since he’d called me that. I’d missed his voice, and his accent, even if it was the same one we’d all had back then. Mine had faded since I moved out of Jersey for college, I knew, but his was as present as ever.
“So,” I started, after we were both seated on the couch and half-facing each other, “how’ve you been the past seven years?”
I’d been partly joking, but he considered the question for a moment. “Is it a total cop-out to say it’s been up and down?” He looked at me for approval or disapproval, but I shrugged. “You can focus on whatever you want, or you don’t have to tell me anything. I just figured we probably have a lot to catch up on.”
“Yeah, you’re right. In that case… school was okay. Work was… whatever. But the past year’s been good. Like, really good.”
I couldn’t help the smile that overtook my face. “That’s great. So who all’s in the band? Anyone I know?”
“Well, you know Mikey, of course. He plays bass. And maybe you remember Matt P. from high school. He’s our drummer now. But I don’t think you ever met the other guys.”
I nodded. I vaguely remembered Matt as a friend of a friend, but we hadn’t been close ourselves. “You said you have five people?”
“Yeah. Two guitar players, Mikey, Matt, and me. They’re all really talented. I feel like I got lucky.”
“You’re the one who pulled everyone together, then?” I inferred.
“Yup. I’m not exactly sure what made them all take the chance, but I’m sure as hell glad they did. I feel like we’ve had something special from that first practice, and we all knew we couldn’t quit.”
I nodded, smiling again. I was glad he’d found something that he was clearly so passionate about. “I’d love to see you guys play sometime. I mean, if it wouldn’t totally embarrass you to have me there.”
His eyes lit up. “No, of course not! It’d be awesome to have you come out. I’ll be sure to let you know next time we have a show in the area,” he said. He looked genuinely excited by the prospect. It made me feel wanted in a way I hadn’t felt from him in a long time, and in keeping with the apparent theme of the night, I was happy and mixed-up all at once.
“Thanks, Gee. I’d really like that.” Eager to deflect from my sappiness and odd mood, I pushed on to another topic. “How’s life on the road?”
Gerard chuckled, looking like he was remembering something—or a lot of somethings—that were informing his answer. “Seriously, it’s a good time, in a strange way. We’re roughing it with basically nothing to our names, but there’s a real simplicity in that, y’know? It’s like, every day I wake up and I know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. And it’s something I want to do, and that I believe in. And sure, lots of people in the crowds we play don’t really care, but the ones who do really do. And I feel like we win over at least a few more almost every show. And I dunno how to say it, other than it just feels right.” His gaze had been drifting across the room, passing the TV and armchair without really looking at them, but he snapped it back to me now. “Does that make any sense?”
I nodded again, remembering our conversation in the car earlier. I was still looking for my purpose and couldn’t help but feel a little bit jealous that he’d found his. But overwhelmingly, I was glad for him. “Yeah, it does. Just… promise me you’ll try to get more to eat, okay? And try to work a vegetable in there every now and then,” I bargained. It had surprised me that the clothes I gave him were too big, and the dark shadows under his eyes hadn’t faded with the shower. I’d thought maybe they were exaggerated by stage makeup from a prior day, but apparently not. “Sorry, I really am thrilled for you that you’re living your dream. I’m just a little worried about you,” I admitted.
Gerard groaned dramatically, pushing my shoulder with one blanket-clad hand. “Rebs, you sound like my mom.”
I giggled, pushing him back. “Hey, someone’s gotta look out for you! You’ve never done it for yourself.” And it was true; he’d been the same way as long as I’d known him. “Even if you’re making something amazing, the machine can’t run if all the cogs don’t work. So take care of yourself, okay?”
He chuckled, probably at my cheesy metaphor, but relented. “Okay, okay. I’ll try to take better care of myself and the rest of us.”
I sighed at his emphasis on the word “try,” shaking my head jokingly. “I guess that’s all I can ask for. Thanks, Gee.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
We lapsed into silence for a few moments. I considered the man sitting to my right, dropped back into my life on what had been a perfectly average Friday with no warning whatsoever, like a rock into a still lake. There was barely space to process it right now, so I was shoving down most of the complicated feelings trying to bubble up from my gut. But I already knew that whatever aftereffects this night had were going to linger for a long time.
“You okay, Rebs?”
I glanced at him to see his eyebrows drawn down in concern. I sat up a little straighter, trying to look casual. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… good to see you again.”
“Even if it’s been a while, I can still tell when you’re upset about something, y’know.”
I laughed softly. “Yeah. I’ll bet you can.” Even now, there was no hiding things from him. He waited for me to continue.
“I just missed you,” I said honestly. I knew I was looking at him with sad eyes now, but I didn’t have the will to change them if he was going to see through me regardless. “I’ve… never been great at making friends. You know that. I’ve met a few people out here, but it’s still a little lonely so far from home.”
Gerard shifted over and wrapped a consoling arm around my shoulders. “Yeah, I know. M’sorry, Rebs.”
I learned into him. “I mean, it’s not your fault.”
“No, I mean I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out for so long. You sent us that Christmas card and Mikey said I should call you, but—I dunno. I got all in my head about it. I didn’t know if you would actually want to talk after so long, or if it was just out of politeness. It was stupid. I should’ve called.”
I shook my head where it was now pressed against his shoulder. “Still, though. It’s not all your fault. I didn’t know where you might’ve gone after college, but I could’ve called, too, those first few years. I just… didn’t.”
“Yeah. I got pretty down that fall, when you moved away for school. I definitely remember that. This is totally stupid, because it’s not like I wanted to study molecular biology or whatever, but I kinda felt like… you left me behind.” His voice had gone quiet by the end.
I felt a sharper pang in my chest, and sat up so I could look at him properly. His eyes were on the carpet, purposely not on me. “Gee, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. And I never wanted you to feel that way.”
“I know, I know,” he said, tone pacifying and hand moving up and down my arm. “We were just going in different directions. It made sense we wouldn’t go to the same school. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t suck to lose you.”
I smiled sympathetically. “Yeah. I felt the same way.”
Before I cracked and let out something I’d been trying to hide from him for a good ten years, I put a bit of physical distance between us on the couch. He pulled his arm back, seemingly reluctantly. I took a breath. We both went quiet again.
Eventually, Gerard broke the silence. “So, uh… I think the mechanic opens back up at, like, nine tomorrow.”
I nodded my understanding, trying to wave away the fog of old emotions that had rolled back into my mind since we sat down. Regardless of what had happened in the past, we had a problem to solve here and now. He almost certainly didn’t have extra cash to spare on a cab. “Okay. I can take you back over there then, if you want.” I said it almost robotically. It was a safe response, one that didn’t risk any sentiment spilling out.
“Thank you. I didn’t actually get to see anybody tonight since we got there so late, so I should probably be there first thing to talk to them and see what they can do.” He sighed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him run both hands back through his damp hair. “I just hope they’ll be able to fix it. I don’t know what we’d do if we lost the van. Or if it’s not ready in time for me to get to the show tomorrow.”
I looked over at him again. I saw the stress and disappointment on his face, and did what I always did in such a situation. “Well, I don’t have a long-term fix if there’s a serious problem with it. But try not to worry about the show tomorrow, okay? If worst comes to worst, I’ll just drive you there.”
He turned to look at me sharply. “No. There’s no way I’d ask you to do that. It’s a good few hours away from here.”
I shrugged. “My plans for tomorrow weren’t set in stone. Besides, it would give me the chance to see you play. And it’s been a while since I’ve been out to any show at all, so this would actually be a good excuse,” I said, liking the idea more and more.
He was looking at me like I was an angel. “You’d really do that?”
I gave him a wry smile. This whole situation was continuing to twist my heart in a way I hadn’t fully expected. “I’d gladly do most anything for you, ya know,” I replied softly.
Something seemed to finally click then. His eyes locked on mine with a newfound understanding. Slowly, hesitantly, he spoke again.
“Um. Rebs, I—I kinda need to tell you something. Damn, I really hope this doesn’t get me back out on the street tonight.” He grimaced at the thought and ran a hand down his face. Then he seemed to brace himself, turning to face me fully. “I know it’s been a long time and this is coming out of nowhere, but as long as we’re being honest: I was totally in love with you back in high school. And seeing you tonight, I—I don’t think that ever really fucking stopped.”
My heart stuttered in my chest and my breath caught. How had he beaten me to my own confession? How was fate this cruel? I looked at his face to see if there was any chance it was some awful joke, but of course it wasn’t. He wouldn’t do something like that. The man—boy, at the time—who I’d fallen in love with had a heart of gold, and I knew it beyond any shadow of a doubt.
If he was telling the truth, then I could, too.
“You’re coming at me with all this seven years late, y’know.” I smiled sadly at his anxious face. “But I was in love with you, too. Hell, I probably still am.” I bit my lip, trying to decide whether to continue and put the final nail in the coffin. He looked at me expectantly, so I did. “No one’s… ever gotten me like you did, Gee. I’ve really fucking missed you.”
And that was it. The dam broke. If I’d been told four hours ago I’d be crying in Gerard Way’s arms on my couch tonight confessing a long-thought-to-be-unrequited love, I’d have called whoever said it a liar. And yet, here I was, pressed close to the sweet, reckless, wonderful fool I’d lost so long ago.
“Hey, it’s alright,” he said, his voice a low murmur. He had one arm around my shoulders, the other hand slowly going up and down the middle of my back. My face was against his chest, all shame apparently abandoned. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. Fuck, I really wish I had.”
I couldn’t respond at first. I felt like I’d been blindsided by an onslaught of emotions that I’d locked away and buried years ago. Finally, the shaking subsided and I sniffled. I drew an uneven breath, then reluctantly pulled back from the warm embrace. Gerard loosened his hold, but kept his hands on my shoulders as it to steady me, looking into my face with concern.
I had to chuckle, rubbing at my eyes. I was really doing a bang-up job at this. “I’m s-sorry. I didn’t mean to cry. It’s just been s-so long, and now you’re here, and I don’t really know what to think.”
He nodded sympathetically. “I know. It’s okay. I’m sorry I showed up out of the blue and dropped all this on you. I wish I’d said something before. But you were going away to college, and I didn’t wanna stop you, and I just… I didn’t know. I thought maybe it was just me.”
I laughed at that, dabbing a tear away. “Not just you. Definitely not just you. I was so s-scared you wouldn’t wanna be my friend anymore if I told you.”
He frowned at me, looking mildly hurt. “C’mon, you know me better than that, right?”
I shrugged and shook my head, at a loss. “I-I dunno. It’s not a rational sort of thing, really.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure,” he said quietly.
I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to be close to him, so I leaned against him again. His arm went back around my shoulders. I stared at the wall and asked the question I was afraid to ask. “What do we do now?”
He took a deep breath and sighed. “I dunno, Rebs.”
I nodded. It’s not like I’d expected him to have a solution, so I continued. “I know you’re busy with the band. I’d never want to take that away from you.”
“I know. It’s ‘cause you’re the best.”
I sniffled, the compliment clawing at my heart. “That doesn’t really give us anywhere to go, though.”
“Yeah… I’ll admit that constant travel and sweat probably aren’t great for a romantic relationship.”
I laughed softly despite it all, lacing my fingers with his and squeezing. “Yeah, I’d believe that.”
We both fell silent again. I had a thousand thoughts running though my head and no doubt that he was in much the same state. After wrestling down some of the more selfish ones, I kept talking.
“I don’t really know what to say, but… you’ve gotta be exhausted right now. And you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”
Gerard’s voice was soft when he replied. “Yeah, Rebs, but that doesn’t matter. I’m here with you—”
“It does matter. You guys are making something happen. You said yourself it’s special, and I believe you.” I looked up at him soberly. Like hell was I going to wreck whatever magic he’d found. As much as it pained me to know it, I was almost certainly just a brief stop on the road to wherever he was going. An old friend he could call upon in his hour of need, but no longer a defining fixture in his life. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but I stared him down. Finally, he nodded.
I heaved a sigh, guts still twisting at the situation we’d found ourselves in. “Do you wanna get some sleep for now?” I asked.
He shifted, seeming restless and a bit frustrated. “Yeah, I guess so. I wish I had something better to say, or like, any sort of plan. I—I felt like I had to tell you. But I know I’ve made things hard.”
“Please don’t be sorry,” I said, not wanting him to regret it. I could hardly bear the thought. “I’m really glad you told me. And now that I know you didn’t lose my number years ago, you’ve got no excuse for not calling. We’ll just… keep in touch. Maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t, but we’ll figure it out.” I knew I was being optimistic even giving us a shot in hell, but I couldn’t bring myself to say there was no chance. Not here, and not now.
“Okay. If you’re sure—”
“I’m really sure,” I said quickly. I smiled, and it was a lie, and I knew he knew it was a lie, but he didn’t call me on it. I was grateful for that, at least. We were both just doing the best we could.
“Guess we’re a couple of wimps if we couldn’t admit this years ago, huh?” I could hear the edge of sadness in his voice behind the thin veneer of playfulness.
“Yeah. I guess so,” I said, sounding no happier than he did. I sighed again. “Oh, life.”
“It’s bigger than you. And you are not me,” he half-sang.
I smiled, recognizing the lyrics. His voice was undeniably comforting. For a split second, we were back in my car on the turnpike. “Yeah. I feel like I’m losing my religion right now, for sure,” I muttered. I shook my head, then met his concerned eyes once more.
“C’mon, let’s go to bed. You can stay right here if you want, but I’d rather you came with me.” It sounded unexpectedly bold coming out of my mouth, and I immediately back-tracked. “J-just to go to sleep, I mean.”
Gerard chuckled, nudging me. “Don’t worry, I knew what you meant. That sounds really nice.”
I tried to push down the warmth in my face and stood up, offering him my hand. He took it, finally shedding the blanket cape I’d given him on the couch, and we walked to my room together.
I left him there for a moment to change into my pajamas in the bathroom. When I returned, we slid underneath the covers on the double bed. I switched off the bedside lamp and shifted close to him. He put an arm around my waist like it was the most natural thing in the world, and I snuggled up to him unabashedly.
Despite the cozy surroundings and how warm he was, I felt tense. This arrangement was exactly what I’d wanted, but it wasn’t going to make anything easier in the morning.
“People really are hopeless, aren’t we?” I said into his chest without preamble. “We can’t resist something even if we know it’s gonna hurt us.”
He tightened the arm around my middle securely, seeming to know what I meant well enough through whatever telepathy we’d developed over the years. “Yeah. Guess it’s just part of being human,” he said quietly.
I nodded. “You’re right… Hey, Gee?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry your van’s broken, but I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Yeah… me too, Rebs.”
He lifted his head and kissed my temple gently. It wasn’t an entirely unheard-of gesture of affection between us, but a rare one that made my heart skip a beat. After all, it hadn’t happened since the day we graduated.
Just like back then, I was sorely tempted to cover him in kisses of my own. I knew I might never have as good a chance again. But I also knew that anything we did was going to make the inevitable arrival of daylight worse.
Instead, I pulled back far enough to press a soft kiss to his cheek. I paused for a long moment to appreciate his eyes, illuminated by the faint light passing through the curtains. They were unsure, and filled with no small amount of longing. I tucked my face back against his chest. He held me tighter.
I knew this was going to hurt. I knew it almost certainly couldn’t last. We would split up either the next morning or the next night, depending on when the van could be fixed, and I could only hope we’d keep in touch. But I couldn’t let tonight pass us by. Just for now, for this moment, I was exactly where I wanted to be. I closed my eyes and tried to block out everything but the man I loved.
I soon felt consciousness start to fade. The unreal evening gradually gave way to the more familiar, comfortable territory of dreams, where the world didn’t have to make sense and problems always vanished in the sun.
Even as I drifted off, I knew one thing for certain: if this never happened again, tonight had been worth all the heartache in the world.