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The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.
Jimi Hendrix
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The day he arrived in Miyagi, it was warm. The train ride back home had given Hajime a lot of time to think, but in the past year and a half those were the times he dreaded most. He slowly made his way to his house, refusing to call a taxi because the thought of having to socialize with the cabbie seemed like a lot more trouble than just walking. It was half way through the walk that he regretted his decision. A park sat across the street from him, he watched as children and couples made their way through it, enjoying the weather before autumn hit. He didn’t realize that his feet carried him unconsciously across the street and found himself standing on the edge of the park where he had first met Tooru.
“Hey Iwa-chan! You’re going to be my best friend forever!”
“Why would I want to be friends with an idiot like you?”
The first time they met, Hajime was beyond annoyed. A kid had stumbled over Hajime’s legs as the kid was laid on the ground, trying to catch a beetle. Not only had the beetle escaped but the idiot was bawling his head off, screaming for his mother. Hajime stood in distain, eyes wide trying frantically to stop the kid from his tantrum.
“Oi! Stop it already, you’re not even hurt!”
“B—but!” He weeped, “I’m bleeding!”
He was actually; a tiny bit of blood seep through his scratched skin. Hajime huffed, he had gotten worse.
“You won’t die.”
Hajime had rubbed his eyes and nose smearing snot all over his face, “You promise?”
“Yea!” Hajime dug into his pocket and pulled out a bandaid (his mother made him carry them around), “Here if we put this on you won’t die.”
His smile was missing a tooth Hajime thought when Tooru beamed at him. He allowed Hajime to gently place the band-aid onto his ‘wound’ and pushed himself off the ground.
“Woah!” He shouted, “You can be a doctor or something!”
“No way! I’m going to be a bug collector!”
“Ohhhhhhh! My mom said I can be a superstar! Everyone is going to know me!”
And honestly, Tooru hadn’t been very far off.
After their exchange, Tooru had uttered the most stupidest words that Hajime had heard. He had been tempted to reply with a word that would surely gotten him in trouble with his mother but bit his lip instead. He was sure that the idiot would start crying if he said anything even remotely mean to him. Hajime didn’t know what person would declare a boy that he had just met as his best friend. Probably a cry baby that wore his heart on his sleeve, or some pompous kid that didn’t know what friendship was if it had hit him in the face. At that time, he hadn’t thought that Tooru would be all that important to him, but just like many things Tooru had proven him wrong. Tooru was chubby cheeks and tufts of brown hair with short limbs that didn't function properly, and loud mouth that got him in trouble more times than not. He never could have imagined how much Tooru would come to mean to him. He wish he had at the time.
—————
“You need to stop doing this to yourself, Hajime. “
“He would have wanted you to move on.”
“Living in the past won’t change anything, you’re just hurting yourself.”
He sat in front of his mother, preparing himself to for the words that had been thrown at him for the past year. Instead she smiled gently and asked motherly questions like how he was eating, how school was going, she covered all the bases before she let herself ask about Tooru.
“I’m sorry that Tooru has gotten any better.”
Hajime shrugged, “He hasn’t gotten worse either.”
Nothing about Tooru changed, nothing has for the past year and a half. The doctors had told Hajime that they were grateful that Tooru’s heart hadn’t suddenly stop beating let alone him waking.
She nodded, “Perhaps that’s the best we can hope for at the moment.”
And that was the exact reason why he had love his mother, because she never tried to guilt him or pity him for his hope. She never made him seem insane for holding onto Tooru when there wasn’t much to hold onto, and yes, there were times when he did feel crazy, but he had forgotten how to function with Tooru and he didn’t think he wanted to learn how.
—————
“I’m going to Kitagwa Daiichi! That’s where I’m going to become the best volleyball player ever!”
Hajime had followed Tooru and would have followed him to the ends of the world.
The school looked the same as it did so many years ago Hajime thought as he slowly walked through the gates and towards the courtyard. There was a large tree that sat in the middle, a place where him and Tooru had spent many of their lunches together. Once they entered middle school, Tooru’s popularity had spiked while Hajime stayed relatively the same but despite the hoard of classmates that would beg Tooru to have lunch with them, he had chosen Hajime. He would always choose Hajime, up to the very end.
The man walked the short distance to stand underneath the tree, looking up to see familiar branches that were higher up than they had been years ago. He allowed himself to sit at the trunk, leaning his head back to rest against the wood. If Hajime shut his eyes and concentrated enough, he could throw himself back back in time. To the time where Tooru sat way too close and chatted about nothing but volleyball and the girls that had confessed to him. He could remember warm touches that belonged to Tooru, the bright smile that he believed could replace the sun. But when his fantasy ended, he was yanked back to reality to where he was right then. It hurt more than it did moments ago. They said that the pain would slowly fade as the days went on, but as every month, day, hour, minute, second ticked by, it was as if his pain grew in size, there was times where he felt as if his chest would burst from it.
The courtyard was still. There was no wind blowing the grass or birds chirping and there was no one there except for him. The day Tooru was admitted to the hospital, Hajime grew to hate silence. He hadn’t known how quiet their home could be without his lover living in it with him. The sound of the tv didn’t sound the same without Tooru’s shitty commentary , and the songs on the radio were different without Tooru singing over them.
He pushed himself off the ground and dusted off his pants. When did the school gates close? Damn, how long had it been since he last visited Kitagwa Daiichi? Seven, eight years? he thought to himself. Hajime remembered when Tooru had begged him to visit with him on their day off. He had been looking forward to that day. It was a day to catch up on sleep, and on all the assignments he had fallen behind on. Tooru was usually good at getting his way, especially when it involved making Hajime bend to his will. At the end however, he had held his ground and declined in favour of doing homework. He wished he had taken every minute that was offered to him back then. He wish he could have it all back.
—————
“I heard you got accepted into Shiratorizawa.”
“Yea.”
“I’m going to Aobajosai.”
“I am too.”
It was true that Hajime would done anything to be with Tooru, but the same could go for the latter.
The walk from Kitagwa Daiichi to Aobajosai was short. Perhaps that was the high school had gotten so many of their students from the respective middle school. He had memorized the route by then having walked it so many times. Before he even knew it he was standing before the gym, Hajime couldn’t stop the smile that had spread across his face. He couldn’t hear the sounds of volleyballs hitting the ground or the squeaking of shoes. With curiosity, he pushed the door open to reveal an empty gym, indoor shoes were scattered around the entrance. They must have gone for a run Hajime thought.
Without much thought, he had taken off his own shoes and walked into the building. He stood in the middle in between the two courts. Nostalgia hit him like a bullet train as his eyes swept across the entire gym. Almost nothing had changed he mused. The gym still gave him the same sense of adrenaline he felt when he use to play. He could practically hear the loud cheering that erupted when he made a particularly good spike. The sensational stinging of his hands after a spike, the harsh breaths that heaved throughout his chest as he strived on in the court . He could see the large smile he missed so much that would appear on Tooru’s face whenever Tooru made his tosses. Not his touches or kisses or laughs or smiles, but the way Tooru had looked when he played volleyball is what Hajime missed the most. That was what killed him the most: Never being able to see Tooru play again.
“Who are you?”
He whirled around to see a man, most likely the coach standing at the entrance of the gym, shooting daggers at him.
“I’m sorry, I’ll leave.” He made his way towards the door, slipping on his shoes as the other man narrowed his eyes.
“You look familiar,” the man grunted.
“I suppose I would,” he replied.
“What’s your name?”
“Oikawa Hajime.”
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Did you know...you make me so happy that sometimes I actually forget to breath?
Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds
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“Hajime! We should get married!”
“What kind of shitty proposal was that, dumbass?”
“So mean!”
“…..”
“Will you marry me, Hajime?”
Hajime vividly remembered brightest smiles and hesitant touches. He remembered nervous laughter and blushes that wrapped around his ears. The reassuring words that Tooru whispered in his ears echoed throughout his mind. Words that only a Tooru would be able to say at such a time. Hajime remembered the crosswalk light turning green signalling it for them to pass. He remembered the car that sped up when it wasn’t suppose to. He remembered the crash and the unforgettable thump of a body hitting asphalt.
The man that had ran the stop light was drunk. His alcohol level was so high that the doctors had checked him for liver failure but he was fine. But not after what Hajime had done with him. The man wore a black eye and a cast on his nose during court as his lawyer had tried for the minimum of six months. Hajime wouldn't have been satisfied even if he had gotten life. At the end, the offender had gotten three years but Hajime hadn’t felt an ounce of relief. Not when Tooru was laying in the hospital. Not when the probability of him waking up was slim to none. Hajime hadn’t wanted justice or any of that bullshit; all he wanted was Tooru to come back to him.
—————
“Hajime, Tooru won’t be waking up.”
No.
“It’s been over a year.”
No please.
“We think it’s time…”
Don’t take him away from me.
—————
His hospital room was dull. There was no source of life in it except for Tooru’s breathing and the steady beeps of the heart monitor.
“Hey there,” Hajime whispered gently, “I visited home. My mother is doing really well, and all her plants are still alive which is a surprise. I even went to both our schools, just to check it out. I think I almost got stabbed by the coach at Aobajousai, he probably thought I was some pedophile or something,” He paused hearing the ghost of Tooru’s laugh.
Hajime's lungs burned and his throat felt heavy and dry.
He look Tooru’s hand into his and laced his fingers with his, lifting their intertwined hands to his lips; it felt wrong, It was too cold, “So um, your parents and I were talking,” He swallowed heavily, “We’re thinking of—of letting you go. I mean you probably can’t hear me right now because well…” His eyes shifted to Tooru’s peaceful yet motionless body. Tears welled up in his eyes as they unsteadily focused on his lover, unable to tear his gaze away, “I-I never really believed in all of this until it happened. Goddammit, I can’t believe you’ve made my life into a shitty romantic comedy,” Tears streamed down his face silently, “Seriously, why is it me that has to be the main character that sits beside their lovers bed, peeling apples…” He paused. Why couldn’t it have been me? Why did they take you away? He choked as he struggled to keep his sobs down. He paused his words as he sobbed quietly into their laced fingers, sniffling. After he had calmed down a bit, he continued on.
“I was really mad at your parents you know. I screamed at them and said some very impolite things but they weren't really mad though... I guess sometimes I forget they’re in the same boat as I am.” He chuckled sadly as he stared up into the ceiling to suppress the tears that were already coming.
“I don’t want to,” He cried, “I don’t want to let you go. Please, please for the love of god wake up. Please, please,” His sobs were the only noise that filled the room. Unwillingly, he untangled his fingers from Tooru’s and stood up. The paperwork that was handed to him sat heavily in his bag. The papers that asked for his consent because Tooru’s parents weren’t the type of people that would do it without Hajime’s approval. He brought Tooru’s hands up to kiss the back of them and hesitated for a moment before he spoke (reworded it and added a few words), “I think this will be the best for all of us.”
—————
I wonder how you say goodbye to someone forever?
Ann M. Martin
—————
Tooru didn’t wake up.
The earth still turned.
The sun still shun.
The birds still chirped.
But nothing was the same.
The Oikawa family stands in the room in silence. He stood beside Tooru’s sister and nephew, who were looking anywhere but at his lifeless body. Maybe they believe it would lessen the pain, he watched as doctors and nurses surrounded the bed preparing everything that was needed. He was helplessly as they pulled tubes and wires until they had found what they were looking for. When the doctor peered up he said, “We’re ready.”
A choked sob emitted through the room, Tooru’s mother covered in mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. Her husband wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head, “Please, continue.”
He nodded and held a needle and a tube that connected to Tooru’s IV. His eyes swept the room once more, before continuing. Hajime felt his heart hammering in his chest, he felt the last bit of his sanity slipping but it was okay. There was something else as well, something that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Letting go was hard, it didn't make an exception for anything. The tightness in his chest hadn’t stopped, nor did the non-stop thoughts of Tooru but it was different now. Maybe this is what people had meant, how every knot in his body had untangled itself but were still held together, how his heart felt like it was beating again, how his breathing had become less forced.
The sound of the heart monitor start to stagger, the beats became further apart and slower until finally, it went still. The moment that Tooru had been set free, Hajime broke down in sobs. He clung to Tooru’s sister and cried until his voice was hoarse and until his chest finally felt light again.
—————
I love you so much. I will never forget you.
—————
The gravestone was decorated with flowers and Hajime’s own had been buried under all of them, he hadn’t minded much. Tooru must be loving the attention he mused. A lot had changed since that day. Hajime finally moved out of their apartment once he decided that a change of scenery would do him good. A few months later, he had graduated from medical school and worked as a doctor specializing in sport injuries. Hajime had gotten in touch with all the friends he had cut ties, met new people, went out and had fun. He stopped blaming himself and stopped praying for Tooru to one day wake up. He felt alive again. Saying goodbye wasn’t easy, he still felt the lump in his throat and the pain in his chest. But it was different than before, he was different than before. Perhaps when he had finally set Tooru free, he had freed himself as well. It still hurt of course he wasn’t expecting otherwise. Despite all of this however, he couldn’t help but hope: even with a goodbye in this life, maybe there would be a hello in another.
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But as long as I love you I am free
Bob Dylan