Work Text:
This morning, Xena was going to kill herself.
She got out of bed. She doesn't know why, but she makes a bed she was never going to sleep in again.
She doesn't know why, but she washes her face, and brushes her teeth. She even takes her antidepressants, when there's really no point.
Xena takes care to set Ame's medicine on the counter, nice and neat, because when she's gone, she won't be able to do it anymore.
She grabs a sticky note, writing ‘I love you, have a good day’ on it, in handwriting better than usual. She even sticks it right beside his medicine, so he definitely has to see it.
She doesn't understand why she brushes her hair, and carefully tears out the extra hair left in the brush.
Xena doesn't know why, but she puts her work uniform on, even straightening her tie.
She doesn't know why she calls out to Ame that she's leaving for work. She says she loves him. Why are her last words just this? She always expected something.. important, memorable, loving. She locks the door behind her.
When she gets to the train station, she does not overstep the line.
Xena did not kill herself this morning.
This afternoon, Xena was going to kill herself.
She doesn't understand why, but she ate the small lunch that was offered. She remembers it well. They were small sandwiches, made by one of the younger workers. She had a smile on her face, and flushed cheeks from all the praise she was receiving. She made Xena want to smile.
Xena doesn't understand why, but she worked hard. She typed and typed, signed this and that, even wrote the best she could. She wrote her name what seemed like too many times, and every time, she wrote it as if it would be the last time she wrote her name.
Maybe, Ame would get some money or something after Xena died, for all her hard work.
And Xena wasn't proud when she messaged Ame on her smoke break. She asked him how school was going. She asked him what he wanted for dinner.
‘I'm not going to be around for dinner,’ Xena thought.
But she didn't want to die without messaging him, at least once.
She didn't understand why she didn't say she loved Ame more than once today. She was going to die, leaving Ame without an ounce of love. She thinks, ‘Well, that's already the case. I'm going to kill myself, and that's just proof to him that I don't love him.’
She didn't understand why, but she thought about her life on her second smoke break. She smoked extra today, to make up for the eternity of no smoking.
Xena didn't understand why she waved to her boss, or to the girl who's always asking how her day is, or why she told her to get home safe. I guess she wanted to.
Maybe, she could be remembered for something now.
And while Xena waited for her train, she stayed behind the line. She did not kill herself.
Tonight, Xena was going to kill herself.
But first, she made Ame the spaghetti he wanted. She didn't understand why, but she put a lot of effort into it. It wasn't extravagant, but definitely a little less lazy than she typically made it. She brought it to Ame's room, too.
Xena didn't want to know why, but she really wanted to see Ame. It made her want to cry, so she didn't speak to him much, because she didn't want him to see that. She ignored whatever he said, because she couldn't bare to listen to him.
Xena packed the rest of the spaghetti in a small tupperware container, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge, and didn't eat any herself. She was saving it so Ame would have something to eat later on, when she wouldn't be there to make anything.
Xena didn't understand why, but she watched some shitty reality TV in the living room, holding a teddy bear she had gotten from their foster mother. She didn't understand why, but she really wished she was a little girl again, even though she hated being a little girl.
Xena didn't understand why, but she finally changed into her pyjamas. She fixed her pillows.
She cleaned her room, and dumped her ashtray.
And Xena, despite finding no use in it, took a shower. She even shaved, and scrubbed, and used the expensive stuff she never used because it cost so much, and they were gifts.
She organised her things. She kept checking the time. She was going to kill herself at 2 tonight, maybe. Ame would already be asleep. Or maybe just do it now.
He wouldn't find her until after school, at least.
Xena didn't understand why, but she forced herself to unlock her door.
She wasn't proud when she walked into Ame’s room, and laid across his bed like it was her own.
She wanted nothing more than to cry as she asked, “How was your day?” as he watched some silly cartoon on his laptop that Mae wanted him to watch.
And as he talked, she thought about what it would be like to never talk to him again. Maybe she would watch him live his life, watch him keep going day after day. Maybe she would never see him again. Maybe she'd see him after he died. She thought about what it would be like.
She turned her head to face the ceiling. She stretched. She barely even heard him, and it made her ashamed. She was too in her own head, and she was going to die without ever knowing what her last day on earth was like for Ame.
She turned to face him, and she asked
“What do you want to do for your eighteenth birthday?”
She didn't understand why she asked that, because she was going to be long gone before that came around.
“Oh… well, I dunno… that's in a few months. So..”
And Xena thought,
“Well, get thinking now.. it's better to look forward to something, right?”
How selfish it is, that I'm not going to be here when he turns eighteen.
“And, I swear I'm saving up. You can do whatever you want.”
But
I won't be alive to save anything up for him.
“...You don't have to do that, Xena..”
But
“I'm aware.. but you know, I want to,”
I won't be here.
Ame kept silent. Xena knew he just didn't know what to say.
And then Xena thought,
I'm going to kill myself, and leave my brother behind. I won't be here to pay for this apartment. Or his food, or his medicine and therapy. Or his school. Or his birthday presents, not even the birthday itself. He'll have no big sister anymore.
He will find my body eventually. He'll see me hanging, or what's left of my body here or at the train station, and maybe he'll never sleep again. It's not that I find myself that important. But that sort of thing never leaves your head.
And what if he gets ideas?
Then, he'll have to go to my funeral. My grave won't even have a name, because that shit costs a fortune. But he’ll remember. Then he'll have to do everything himself. And then he'll have to watch me be buried, or cremated, or whatever. I haven't even decided. And then, he'll come home. He might not eat for a while. Maybe he'll just lay in bed. Maybe he'll lay in my bed, and wonder if he did something wrong.
Maybe he'll believe it's his fault. And it'll be all my fault that he feels that way. And then, he’ll get picked on. And I won't be here to tell those kids to shut the fuck up. And then eventually, he'll lose the apartment, but there's always Sorin and Mae, so I'm not too worried about that. And when he grows up, my dead body will be his last memory of me.
Thinking about my baby brother, all alone in this shitty world, surviving with the guilt of my death on his back
makes me reconsider it.
Makes me reconsider killing myself.
So Xena sits up, and she sits beside Ame. He's watching that Trolls cartoon.
And she hugs him, even though their hugging is always sort of awkward. But this time, it wasn't really. It was just sort of.. hugging. Neither of them said anything.
Xena's hug was protective. A tight one. Ame was seventeen, and he didn't need his big sister to save him. But Xena felt the need to.
She felt herself tear up. Ame hugged her back, even if it was only slightly. And she thought about what it would be like to never be hugged again. To never hug Ame again.
She let go eventually. She got off his bed.
“Love you, Ame. Don't stay up late.”
She didn't hear him say it back, but she knows he probably did. Xena shut his door.
And, even though she was so sure of it, when she sat down to write her suicide note,
Xena did not kill herself tonight.
Love, Xena