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“The Rosy gleam on his lip, the fevered gleam of his eyes. There was not a line anywhere on his face, nothing creases or graying; all crisp. He was Spring, golden and bright. Envious Death would drink his blood, and grow young again.”
—The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller.
Suguru squeezed through the crowded hallways. The hallway was by no means small, but was full of luggage and teenage boys. Even him, being taller than average had to stand on his tippy-toes to see over the heads and find his room.
“Excuse me!” A boy called out, and Suguru knew this kid would have no problem finding his room. The crowds parted like the ocean, Suguru himself being shoved against the wall and into an empty room. It was smelly, but not a single peice of luggage lay inside and Suguru wished the room he’s be in was like this.
He peeked out of the room, watching as the singular boy walked through the halls, the rooms crowding again immediately after he stepped through. Suguru caught a peak of white over everyone’s heads as he squeezed out. He advanced through the hallway, finding the door with his name on it, the name ‘Gojo Satoru’ resting on the plaque above his.
He opened the door and immediately he was met with a blue-eyed glare. Suguru thought distantly that they were the bluest, most pretty eyes he had ever seen, with white eyelashes framing them in perfection.
“Who are you?” The boy asked and Suguru stumbled out of his awe.
He cleared his throat, “I’m Geto Suguru.” He answered, “I’ll take it your my roommate?”
The other smiled, “Yeah, I’m Gojo Satoru.” They shook hands, “From the looks of it you’re new, Ive been here since the start so if you need help breaking the rules just ask.”
“Oh-I-uh—“ he stuttered and Gojo laughed. “I’m just kidding. Don’t want you to get kicked out immediately, huh?”
He nodded, “Oh yeah.” He chuckled. “So I hear the curriculum is pretty tough.”
“Yeah, no shit.” Gojo snorted, “Say, you should probably start getting unpacked.” He eyed Suguru’s luggage that he was still holding, gesturing vaguely to where he himself was setting up his desk.
Suguru nodded, and sat his luggage up onto his bed. He glanced back at the books that Gojo had been unpacking. There was a pile of books that Suguru had never even thought to read before, stuff like ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and a collection of Shakespearian Sonnets and works. Suguru had always thought that stuff was for nerds, and yet he supposed that in a school where Knowledge is most valued you read stuff like that regardless.
Suguru pulled out his school books, setting them on his desk along with his notebooks and study supplies. Noting that the other boy had slipped on darkened out sunglasses whenever he glanced back. He thought that a bit weird, as not only were they inside but also the sky outside was overcast and gray. He decided not to mention it. No point getting on the bad side of his roommate first up.
———
“But most ugly of all are his eyes: bright blue. When people see them, they flinch. Such things are freakish. He is lucky he was not killed at birth.”
— The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller.
“Uggggghhhhhhh” Satoru sighed and flopped face-first onto his bed, the mattress springs creaking from the sudden weight.
Suguru sighed from where he sat, doing his homework. “C’mon Satoru,” he couldn’t recall when ‘Gojo Satoru’ became just ‘Satoru’, “If you dont do the homework you’ll get points taken off and then—“
“Yeah, yeah, no need to remind me.” Came the muffled reply from the bed. “I wish we could do something fun, something wild!” Satoru lamented, sitting upright on his bed.
Suguru chuckled, “Like what?”
Satoru thought for a moment, “You ever see that old movie? The Dead Poets society?”
“Of course, and I’m sure if i hadn’t you would’ve made me watch it.” Suguru scoffed.
“Yes, yes.” He rolled his eyes, “We have a cave here on campus, out in the woods.” Suguru turned to glare at Satoru but he continued on, “We could get the other kids from my study group and—“
“No.” Suguru cut him off. “Thats a terrible, terrible idea.”
Satoru pouted, “Awwww, but we’re all nerds here!”
“No.” Suguru re-iterated, “N. O. And thats final.”
———
“He did not fear ridicule, he had never known it.”
— The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller.
Suguru sighed as he was dragged along, past the river and through the bushes into a cave. One of the girl’s from the school next over, an all girls school, had heard through Satoru what they were going to do and had come along. She had been bored and said it was always good to spend time with Satoru. Suguru tried to ignore the pain in his chest at the thought that Satoru had a girlfriend.
Satoru had also dragged along two of the kids from his study group, one that Suguru had never attended. He had heard not one good, productive thing to come from that ‘Study Group’ and so he decided to never go. One was a pompous boy in their year named Zen’in Naoya and the other an underclassman who simply went by Choso.
Once Choso had lit a small fire to help keep them warm from the biting chill, all the while everyone was sharing in a laugh about something obscure. Suguru was too caught up in the thought of being discovered an kicked out to pay any attention, until Satoru stood up and raised a book oh his.
“Now usually,” he began, opening the book, “The people in the movie would read poetry and play the Sax and… I dunno, start a cult—“
“Theres already like, three cults at school around you Satoru, maybe let the rest of us have a turn?” Naoya joked and they all laughed.
Satoru cleared his throat and continued, “Anyways they read a passage in a book about wanting to have fun. Sk here I have a passage.” He held up a page and threw it aside, “But we have to live by those rules.”
They began joking around, Shoko pulling out a pack of cigarettes and Suguru pinching one off of her. Choso had pulled out some cookies, saying that his little brother had snuck into the kitchen and made some not long beforehand. Suguru didn’t even know Choso had parents, let alone a brother.
Naoya and Satoeu seemed to be having a debate, something about Satoru’s ego being too big and him quoting some cheesy romance novel and saying that “Vanity and Pride are different things.”
Suguru didnt know if he was correct there, but Satoru seemed so confident when he said that and he really was a big nerd. Suguru thought he coukd watch him for days, but Shoko was there and Suguru thought he had to entertain Satoru’s girlfriend.
(He does find out later, on the way back that Shoko is lesbian. He asks Gojo how he had snagged a girl that great and Satoru had stared and said that Shoko thought of him nothing more than some stupid Fuckboy.)
———
“Shoot all the Blue-Jays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”
— To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee.
Choso sighed, “Satoru, why don’t you just tell your father you don’t wanna become the best?”
Suguru listened closely to the drama he just caught hold of. He felt bad eavesdropping, especially when he was about to join their study group, but he had to know what it was that was making Satoru sad. He had lost his glasses once, and Satoru’s big blue eyes had been so melancholic that Suguru had wished himself to be dead before he saw Satoru even remotely sad.
“I cant go against my father any more than you can your mother.” He heard Satoru reply, his voice was shaky and Suguru felt himself saddened by it.
Naoya chuckled, “C’mon, it cant be that bad.”
“You’re just lucky you’re parents haven’t set your future in stone!” Satoru snapped back, “At least they don’t wish for you to be the greatest Lawyer that ever did live!”
It was silent in there and Suguru strained his ears to hear any little drop of a tie-pin.
“I just wanna write novels,” Satoru continued, “I wanna be an actor, I wanna write poetry!” There was a pause, “I don’t want to have my family legacy to burden my shoulders all my days!”
Choso sighed then, “If we all survive this hell, we’re getting outta here.” He promised, “We go—“
Suguru jumped back from the door. He didn’t need to hear this. It was too personal for him to hear.
———
———
———
“I think I must be a coward.” Satoru said, late one night.
Suguru rolled over in his bed to face Satoru, but Satoru was facing the wall. “You’re not a coward.”
“Oh, but I am.” Satoru rolled over, blue eyes nearly glowing in the dim moonlight. His eyes were so rimmed in red that he could nearly be mistaken for Choso, “I cant decide on who I want to be, or what I want to do. And even of I could, I would never be able to tell my father.”
Suguru watched him, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
Satoru narrowed his eyes, “That was F.D.R?”
“Yes.” Suguru nodded, “In time, when you find where you want to be in life, You will discover that you will have the courage to tell your father.” He rolled over and shut his eyes. A few moments later he heard a mumbled, ‘thanks’ and Satoru rolling over.
———
“When he speaks at last, his voice is weary, and defeated. He doesn’t know how to be angry with me, either. We are like damp wood that wont light.”
— The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller.
Suguru watched as Satoru stood up, taking the blame fully for their sneaking out, claiming it was only him and Shoko from the school next door. Suguru wanted to scream and cry, to stand up and say that he and Naoya and Choso had their part too but he was frozen. He knew neither of them would stand either, Choso to protect his last brother and Naoya to protect himself. He was glued to his seat as Satoru was taken away, the principal’s harsh words and promises to call his parents. A promise for expulsion.
Suguru watched as Satoru sent him a weak smile and a sly wink, being led away into another room. Suguru wanted to cry.
“How could you not say something?” He would rage to Naoya, “You have nothing to lose!”
“Well why didnt you stand up, be the second example made!” Naoya would yell back, “I value my education and it would seem you care moe for yourself than Satoru too!”
Suguru would have nothing to say to that. Satoru was his everything, and yet he was worthless without Satoru’s guidance. The horror had glued him to his seat then, the constant wishing that Satoru had just sat down and shut up. But alas, Satoru would be expelled, and they would never meet again.
———
“He knew, but it was not enough. The sorrow was so large it threatened to tear through my skin. When he died, all things swift and beautiful and bright would be buried with him.”
— The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller.
Suguru stood at the front of the funeral, a book cradled delicately in his hands. It was one of Satou’s favourites. Suguru didn’t know how he had done it, although he remembered Satoru saying he would rather perish than be home with his family.
Satoru looked down to the book, all folded corners and annotations between the lines. A highlighter stuck between the pages as a bookmark some nights where he would read to Suguru. He would never hear Satoru’s voice again, he realised, playing those nights on repeat in his mind, hoping that his memory of that would never burn out.
He held the book close to his chest and thought to all that they had done together, wishing that their story had ended differently. He thought he was unlike Satoru there, wishing that Neil Parry had had a different ending in ‘The Dead Poets Society’, but he discarded that along the way.
Suguru thought, as tears dripped onto the coffin and stained the pages of the book, that Satoru died before he even got to live.