Chapter Text
(I've been alone since she left me.
Karen, her name was.
Yes, she was a computer.
But…
I loved her and she…
Well, I thought she loved me, too.)
‘But you,’ Plankton declared in a deep and sinister voice as he stroked his aged beard, ‘You shall fix that!’
Dr Planktonstein was a cold-hearted single-cell organism, whose long beard was as grey and dishevelled as his swept-back mane. His eye, the colour of blood, gleamed at a wooden table in the middle of the laboratory. And ever since losing his wife - ex, that is, he's become even colder of heart and more daring in his experiments.
His latest experiment has him in the dark. Beakers, vials, strainers and all matter of lab equipment from Bunsen burners to ventilation tubes haunted the space where he spent sleepless nights. But he was finally on the verge of success and he couldn't wait any longer…
Within his dark laboratory, he pulled a switch and light blasted every surface, momentarily eliminating every shadow and crevice of darkness. Electricity sparked over the wooden table. Plankton raced across the room to another switch and flipped it. A giant laser descended from the darkness above and, pointed at the table, began surging with energy - raw lighting as bright as pure starlight concentrating in its very tip.
‘Yes…’ Plankton murmured, rubbing his stubby hands together. ‘Today, I will create my most magnificent achievement yet!’ Hopping onto a stall by the table, he smiled down at a pink kitchen sponge lying flat on the table.
‘Pink is the only colour they had in stock,’ he explained as though he had a disapproving audience. ‘Now,’ he said, looking up at the laser, ‘my creation - an evil SpongeBob - will come to life and together we will steal the Krabby Patty formula and RULE THE WORLD!’
Looking at the wall where Karen's monitor used to be mounted, he whispered, ‘And you'll see that I'm not a loser.’
There was no response, only the silence of his imprisoning loneliness.
‘But enough of that!’ he shouted, yanking a small device with a big red button out of his big, grey beard and slamming it with his other hand. The laser began pulsing, the bolts holding it together rattling like a choir of maniacal chaos.
‘It's over, Krabs,’ Plankton swore. ‘When EvilBob helps me steal that formula, you'll be done for. And there's nothing you can do to stop me!’
Too absorbed in his premature celebration, Doctor Planktonstein forgot to take a step back out of the laser's blast radius.
‘I'm going to run your business into the ground, Krabs,’ he gloated, running a hand through his mane of dishevelled hair, ‘and then I'm going to- Oh…’
The tip of the laser exploded, a single bolt of lightning striking the pink sponge with the fury of Apollo. Plankton was sent flying away, splattering like a pancake on the wall and dribbling into a puddle on the rusty metal of the Chum Bucket floor. Reforming to his sausage shape, he rubbed his ringing head. ‘Well, next time don't stand so close to the giant strike of lightning, Dr Doofustein.’
‘Hey, you!’ a high-pitched - nay, annoying voice greeted.
It came from the table… could it be? Could the experiment be a success?
Plankton whipped his head to the direction of the table and what he saw stopped his heart. ‘What the scallop!’ he shrieked, stumbling onto his bottom and crawling away.
Standing on the table, seemingly illuminating the lab pink, was a sponge just like SpongeBob. Though, unlike SpongeBob, this one was pink and riddled with love hearts for pores.
That pink, Plankton thought, it's the most delicate, angelic shade of pink I've ever seen! And that spongy skin… Why, it looks so soft and spongy! I just wanna touch it…
‘My name is LovelyPants,’ the experiment said, their smile brighter than any piece of metal in the whole bucket restaurant. ‘What's yours?’
Plankton covered his eyes with his hands and clamped his eyelids shut. You must be crazy! He's supposed to be evil, not lovely! And why’s he pink? I hate pink! Bah, I blame that fish at the store!
‘Is something wrong?’ LovelyPants asked from way up on the table.
Plankton froze, his heart fluttering so loud he swore he could hear it echoing amongst the beakers and tubes. Maybe he is evil, the inventor convinced himself inwardly. Maybe he's deceptively evil. Maybe that sweet, loving, angel of a voice is a ruse. A disguise…
Slowly removing his hands from his eyes and peeling them open, he whispered, ‘he has to be evil for this to work.’
‘For what to work?’ LovelyPants asked, suddenly standing over him.
Plankton shrieked, his eye leaping out of its socket, and cowered behind his arms. ‘Please don't hurt me, you pink monster! Just leave me alone, please!’
But the sponge didn't move; not a single sound echoed in the lonely laboratory.
‘Are you still here?’ the inventor asked, too scared to see for himself.
When he did look, peeking between his arms, he jumped to his feet in shock. If he were wearing any socks, they'd be long gone.
LovelyPants was on the far side of the laboratory, prodding a glass beaker off the edge of a table. ‘What's this thing?’ he asked.
‘No! Don't touch that!’ Plankton commanded as he ran towards him. But before he could make it to LovelyPants, the sponge was already gone and the beaker was already falling. It smashed on the ground before Plankton and he fell to his knees. ‘Why must the gods be so cruel,’ he pleaded up to Neptune. ‘Why, must!’
‘Ooooo, what about this? What's this do?’ he then heard LovelyPants ask.
Plankton turned to see the poriferan on the far side of the lab, prodding yet another delicate instrument of science. ‘No, stop touching that!’ he yelled, running as fast as he could to the incoming incident. But like before, LovelyPants was gone and the instrument was destroyed - cracked into tiny pieces somehow - before Plankton could save it.
Kneeling, Plankton sobbed into his hands. ‘I can't afford to buy new equipment… I already sold all my valuable belongings to keep this lab operational!’
SpongeBob LovelyPants was already making a ruckus elsewhere, knocking a stand of vials over, which rolled off the table and smashed on the floor.
‘No, not my vials!’ Plankton wept.
Then LovelyPants was elsewhere, pressing a button that exterminated his new “living chum” experiment.
The inventor grabbed his antennas and pulled at them desperately. ‘I made you, why don't you listen? If only Karen were here still, she'd know how to control him!’
‘Oh, what's this?’ LovelyPants asked, standing at a red button on the wall that had the words “self-destruct” written on it in bold letters. Extending a curious pink finger towards it, he marvelled, ‘I wonder what this does!’
Plankton's eye widened, a single tear welling in its edge. I can't let that… that thing destroy my lab! It's all I have, I have to stop it! Still on his knees, he threw back his head - his antennas whipping his back - and screamed at the top of his tiny lungs until they were as shrivelled as deflated balloons.
LovelyPants froze just as the fuzzy tip of his finger made contact with the button. Turning his square head, he asked, ‘What's wrong?’
After a short moment of recovery - of panting like a dog, Plankton marched to the sponge as stern as a drill sergeant. And similar to a drill sergeant, he stood erect as a cucumber and announced his intent, ordering, 'You will kneel!"
LovelyPants obliged, a hint of fear shining in his confused eyes.
Plankton leapt onto a nearby table, where he stared down at the LovelyPants. ‘I am your master!’ he informed, pointing cruelly at him. ‘I created you! And how have you thanked me? You made a mess of my lab, destroyed my instruments and nearly blew up my restaurant!’
‘I'm sorry,’ LovelyBob muttered, twiddling his thumbs.
Plankton held a hand over his chest and gripped where his heart lay. ‘But worst of all… you made a fool out of me and proved the world right. Proven Krabs right…’ Glancing away, he whispered, ‘and proven Karen right, too. She was right to leave me.’
LovelyPants bent his head in shame and wrapped his arms around the table leg as though it were an extension of Plankton. ‘Please forgive me!’ the sponge pleaded, sobbing. ‘I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry, Master!’
Plankton sighed. Another failed experiment, I suppose. This one's gonna hurt to abort… it was so close to blinding success!
‘I'll do anything!’ the aforementioned experiment cried. ‘Please, I'll make it up to you!’
He's begging, Plankton thought. Why is he begging? Does he… want to live? With a skip of his heart, he wondered, do I want him to live? But why…
Then, almost as though a gift from Neptune himself, a lightbulb went off in Dr Planktonstein's head - that is if the Chum Bucket had enough electricity to power it. Rubbing his stubby hands together, he asked, ‘Anything?’ with a mischievous grin.
LovelyPants pressed his spongy face into the table leg and wailed, ‘Yes, anything! Anything at all, Mr Master Sir!’
Plankton began laughing evilly, then howling with malicious delight. ‘I forgive you, SpongeBob LovelyPants!’ he declared to the rusty darkness above.
LovelyPants plucked his head from the table leg and stared up at his master in awe. ‘Really?’ he asked, giggles escaping his lips.
Together, they filled the Chum Bucket with laughter: both innocent and malicious. Cobwebs swayed along the ceiling, the echo of life returning to the abandoned eatery. As Plankton let loose a sinister laugh, words ran through his mind.
You have to win, it's the only way to get Karen back! You have to... You must.