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She was four when she asked her mother what being in love was like. She'd always hear that word being thrown around in the soap operas Katy would keep as background noise when she did the dishes, or as something for Maya to watch to keep her busy while she worked long shifts at the diner. And she would say it to her when she tucked her into bed late at night and kissed her forehead, whispered promises of declarations with tired eyes and gentle hands. But her mother's kind of soft, quiet love was something different than what she would see on television.
Katy looked at her funny when she asked and told her that she knew what love was, that they loved each other, obviously. But Maya told her that she knew there was a difference between the people on tv and them, and she wanted to know what it was.
"You'll find out when you're older," she'd told her.
"Have you found it yet?" she asked because she'd never seen anyone make her mother feel what all the people on the soap operas seem to feel when they love.
She remembered her smile at that moment, how sad it looked, how she'd wished she never asked. "Yes. Once, with your father."
A frown distorted her face because she never knew her father, never really thought about one. It's always just been her and her mom. It's all she's ever needed.
"What did it feel like?"
Her mother was quiet for a while and she thought she wasn't going to answer her question, but then she grabbed her hand tightly, a crease in her brow that she'd wanted to smooth over. "It felt good at first. Love is a wonderful thing, baby, believe me."
She smiled then, a balloon of hope blooming in the middle of her chest."Really?"
"Yes," said her mother. "It's having a hand to hold and a warm body sleeping next to you and someone to share secrets with, and you know you love them when you feel a thousand little hummingbirds in your chest and bumblebees buzzing in your stomach -"
She made a face at this. "I don't want animals inside of me."
Katy laughed a little, her face relaxing just a bit. "It's just an expression, something people say."
"So love feels good then? Because you said it does so you can't lie.”
Her smile dropped a bit at the corners, which confused her again. "It did. But then it hurt."
She sat on her knees in front of her mother, her hands gripping her shoulders. "Why? I thought love was supposed to be good."
"It's a good kind of hurt, baby girl," she tried to explain.
"I didn't know there was a good kind."
She didn't respond, just stroked her cheek with her hand, her eyes a little like sadness. Like the sea after a bad storm.
"Does it still hurt?" she asked softly.
Katy gave her what she thought was a smile but looked more like a grimace. "Most times. But I have you, so it doesn't as much."
She still didn't understand how something like love could hurt, or why you could ever give someone the power to hurt you in that way, and she promised herself she would never make her mother's mistake. Because if there was one thing her mother taught her was that to love was to hurt, and she was smarter than that.
-
Maya softly closes the bedroom door shut behind her, blinking rapidly to let her eyes adjust to the new light. It's barely six in the morning and there's a stillness in the air that comes with the sunrise. She makes her way out of the house, her bare feet padding on the cold hardwood floor, and opens the front door.
She leans against the staccato wall, pulls a cigarette from her back pocket and sticks it between her teeth after lighting it up. There’s a boy sleeping in the room inside behind her and there's a boy sitting on the porch step in front of her, a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Isn't it a little early for that?” he asks her, staring pointedly at the cigarette in her mouth.
“Not if I wanna get a head start on my death,” she answers with a sickeningly sweet smile. She drops her stiletto heels on the ground and plops herself next to him, stealing his mug for a sip. He takes it back from her without a word. “What are you doing up, Huckleberry?”
He shrugs. “Couldn't go back to sleep.”
“That's what they invented pills for,” Maya replies, titling her head back to breathe out the smoke she inhaled, watching it curl in the air. “Or a sledgehammer.”
Lucas snorts. “Right. Of course. I should just knock myself out every time I want to get a decent amount of sleep from now on.”
“No, not you,” she responds. “I would be the one to do it, obviously.”
“You're so good to me.”
“What else are friends for, if not bludgeoning one another with large tools?”
There's a beat of silence, and then:
“Charlie still asleep?” he asks then. He doesn't look at her when he says this, and she notices because he's always looking at her.
“Yeah,” she answers, tossing the cigarette on the pavement, crushing it with the heel of her shoe.
“We have thin walls, you know,” he tells her.
“Shit, sorry,” she grimaces then. “Have we been keeping you up all this time? Why haven't you said anything to me?”
Lucas shrugs, and she takes the time to really look at him. He looks so tired, purple shadowing the bottom of his eyes, a crease in between his eyebrows like he's perpetually worried about something, his fingers taking on a nervous habit of tapping against the lip of his mug.
“Something on your mind, Huckleberry?” she asks. “Is this about Riley?”
Riley’s happiness has always been Maya’s number one priority in her life ever since they were in middle school, doing everything she possibly can to make sure that nothing ever hurts her.
So of course when Riley told her that she had been crushing on the boy from Maya’s sociology class their freshman year of college, the same boy who Maya had been getting to know really well, she stepped back and let her have him. She introduced the two of them, the prince and the princess, the perfect fairytale come to life, and she refused to let it leave a bitter taste like a rusted nail on her tongue. Because Riley deserves someone like Lucas, someone kind and gentle with her.
They're sophomores now and she's happy for them, honestly – or as much as she can be while ignoring the burning in her chest whenever she sees them together. It took them a while to start their relationship, close to the beginning of summer, and it was awkward at first, but then they got used to each other. And Riley’s happy, that's the most important part here.
“Do you ever wonder what's gonna happen after all this?” he asks. He still isn't looking at her.
“You mean college?” she clarifies, and when he nods, she says: “Well, yeah. We're gonna be real adults then. Get a job, find your person, get married, and then die.”
“Is that what you want? The American Dream? A perfect nuclear family and a nine to five job?”
She's slightly taken aback because Lucas has never worried about this kind of stuff before, at least not when he's around her. She's always known him to be so sure of everything, taking it all as it is, one day at a time. “What I want is for my life not to suck anymore. And that – nuclear family and nine to five job – sucks. But it's what everyone expects of us.”
“So what are you planning on doing after college then?”
Maya sighs. She's always hated people asking her that, but with Lucas it's different. She finds herself wanting to tell him the truth. “Good question. Maybe paint the cobblestone streets of Paris. Buy a little studio apartment in Rome and be dirt poor. Wander around back roads and play music for the pedestrians in Spain.”
Lucas hums in reply.
“I know it won't happen,” she continues. “But it's a nice thought. Honestly, I just hope to get a job to be able to support myself. I never even thought I'd get this far, you know. In college. I think I'm doing pretty okay right now and whatever happens, happens.”
His fingers stop tapping on the cup and he looks less tense. He shakes his head and chugs down the last of his coffee, and she watches warily.
“You still seem off to me, Lucas,” she states, biting her lip as she looks at the way his jaw ticks. “What's up?”
“Nothing,” he says, and of course she doesn't believe him. “It's nothing.”
She isn't going to push him; he’ll come to her when he's ready and she'll be waiting with her arms wide open, because that's just who they are. “Well, you know you can talk to me. If you ever need to.”
He bends down to kiss the top of her head, before opening his front door. “Thanks, Maya. And go home – get some rest.”
She nods, and he shuts the door behind him.
-
Riley’s New Thing this week is scrapbooking, so that's what they're doing right now. Fucking scrapbooking. Like a couple of bored middle-aged Suburban white moms passing the time as they wait to pick their bratty kids up from soccer practice.
“I can't believe we're doing this right now,” Maya mutters, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. They've been sitting for fucking hours cutting gluing and repeat, cutting gluing and repeat.
“I know,” Riley squeals excitedly, and Maya’s mood brightens a little because Riley just has that effect on people. “Isn't it fun?”
“Honey, you and I have very different definitions of the term,” she replies dryly. Her fingers are starting to cramp up from cutting so carefully around the edges of pictures, so she sets the scissors down and switches to sticking little star stickers on the pastel pink paper.
“Maya, what we’re doing? It's important, trust me. We’re solidifying our relationship, our history as friends, our memories forever embedded into this book. When we’re old and gray and living in a house by a lake with two rocking chairs out front, we’re gonna look back to our golden years, the Right Now of our lives, and we're gonna be able to remember all the things that's happened – all the happiness and friendship and growth that we've gone through. Isn't that a beautiful thing, Maya? This is art, and you love art.”
Maya can't resist that hopeful look in her eyes, like she wants so badly for her to agree on her stance on the significance of scrapbooking. “It's great, Riles, honestly. I love that you love this kinda shit.”
“Don't call it shit, then.”
“Stuff. This kind of stuff.”
Riley gives her a grin and continues, sticking a couple heart stickers around a photo of the two of them at their high school graduation. “Remember this day?”
Maya scoffs. “How could I forget? Farkle got so nervous he puked on Mr. Matthew’s shoes.”
Riley's eyebrows scrunch up in concern, still, after all these years. “Yeah, poor kid. That was so unlike him. Dad had to burn his shoes.”
“And Yogi riding around on stage with his skates,” she proceeds. “That one’s going in the history books. Your dad is gonna teach that shit to the kids in the future.”
“Mhm,” Riley replies. “That was all great and everything, but do you remember after? After all the speeches and throwing caps in the air and hugs from people we’ll probably never see again?”
Maya’s gaze softens when she looks at Riley, and she feels warm all over. “Of course I remember. We went to IHOP, just the two of us, and ordered six plates of endless buttermilk pancakes. We fucking ruined our graduation robes with maple syrup.” Maya laughs at this, and Riley grins, all teeth. “And then we went to that park by your house with the little pond. Fed the ducks with our leftovers. And then we went home, and Mr. Matthews left us a bowl of ice cream for when we came back. Which wasn't very smart of him because it melted by the time we got there, but when has your dad ever been smart anyway.”
“That was the best day of my life, Maya,” Riley tells her with a tilt of her head, and a crooked smile so endearing. “I know that's probably lame, and we've had a lot of amazing days, but I was with you. We had just graduated high school. After everything we've been through together, after so many years of us just being us, and the only person I wanted to share that memory, that milestone, was with you. And I got to.”
Maya feels like she's going to cry, so she shoves Riley’s shoulder playfully. “Look at you. So fucking sentimental. Where'd you get that from, a Hallmark card?”
“Shut up,” she responds and rolls her eyes. “See if I say anything nice to you ever again.”
Grinning, she rubs Riley’s arm in mock comfort, and says, “Oh, honey. You're literally incapable of being mean to me.”
Riley grumbles something she can't hear, which makes Maya laugh again. It's fifteen minutes later when her hands can't take anymore gluing and her eyes hurt from straining them too much that she leans her head on Riley’s shoulder. “I love you, Riles. You know that, right?”
She can't see, but she knows she's smiling. “Of course, peaches. Always.”
-
It's Riley’s birthday in less than a week and they're shopping for gifts. Lucas drove them to the mall near campus right after Maya’s class let out, and they've been arguing about what to get her for the past half hour.
“That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard,” Maya deadpans. “Why in the hell would Riley want a frying pan?”
“Two reasons,” Lucas starts, ticking them off with his fingers. “One: she loves to cook. She's not great at it, but she's learning, and I want to show her that I support that. And two: she loves Tangled.”
Maya rolls her eyes and scoffs. “Amazing, she'll know that you actually pay attention to her when she talks. Do you want a cookie? A gold sticker? A World’s Perfect Boyfriend sash to go with that crown?”
“Okay, what's your idea then?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest. She doesn't notice how defined they are because that would mean that she's thinking about him in that way, and she doesn't do that. She doesn't.
With a smirk, she says, “Follow me, Friar. I think I know what my girl likes more than you do.”
They’re sitting in the food court a couple hours later, sharing a plate of chicken and noodles from one of the Asian restaurants, and Riley’s gifts occupying the seat next to Maya.
“She talks about you a lot, you know,” Maya tells him, slurping a forkful of noodles into her mouth, not looking at him. “She really loves you.”
“Well, that’s good to know,” he says with a hint of amusement. Maya can’t find it in her to smile, “considering that I love her too.”
“You’re her first real boyfriend,” she continues. “I mean, she and Farkle did try back in the beginning of high school but they didn’t work out for some reason. She was still learning how to grow up back then.”
“What about you?” Lucas asks. “You’ve never really told me about any of your past relationships – not including Charlie.”
“Charlie and I aren’t – “
He rolls his eyes. “I know that. You guys just have sex, I got it. But you do realize how these types of stories go, don’t you? One of you always ends up catching feelings. Pesky little things, they’ll sneak up on you before you even realize.”
But Maya’s already shaking her head. “No, you don’t understand. Charlie isn’t my story - or whatever the fuck that expression is. He’s just a chapter. Maybe not even that. I like him, he's a good person to talk to, among other things, but I’ll never love him.”
“How are you so sure of that?” he asks, skeptical.
“Lucas, do you not pay attention to me at all?” she replies, a grin teetering on the edge of dangerous curling at her lips. “Love is for suckers.”
“I thought hope is for suckers.”
“Well that too.”
“Has anyone ever told you that your pessimistic mentality is very disheartening?” Lucas pushes the plate closer to her so she can finish the last of the chicken. “So you’ve never been in love then?”
“I never said that.”
There’s a grin on his face, like he’s won something. “So you have?”
“Never said that either.”
“Come on, you have to tell me. It’s one or the other,” he argues. It’s cute, she thinks, how much he cares to know.
“It doesn’t have to be one or the other,” she tells him. “I’ve never been in love I don't think, but I’ve - I’ve felt something...for someone.”
“And it’s not Charlie.”
“Not Charlie.”
“You ever going to tell me? Does Riley know? I bet Riley knows. You guys tell each other literally everything – she has to know.”
Maya’s blood runs cold at the prospect of Riley knowing, so she does what she does best. She deflects. "How about you, Huckleberry? Anyone before Riley?"
He shrugs and glances away. "That's not important. I'm with Riley now."
Maya leans across the table, squints her eyes at him, and stares. He stares back, unrelenting and unfazed, but there's a little smile teasing his lips. He's always been weak for her, she knows that.
After a few moments she leans back in her chair, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Tell me what you think love is."
Lucas drums his fingers on the table, his eyes wandering around the food court before settling back onto her as he thinks of an answer. "It's like riding a bull."
Maya bursts into laughter because that is so not the answer she was expecting. But then again, it is Lucas. She's still grinning when she says, "Friar, that is the most Huckleberry thing you have ever said in probably your entire life. Honestly, I should have seen this coming."
Lucas rolls his eyes at her. "Just hear me out, okay?"
Covering her mouth with her hand to stifle another laugh, she nods in concession.
"Okay, well, back in Texas - "
Maya starts laughing again. She really can't help it.
"Maya! I haven't even started yet!"
"I'm sorry but - I literally cannot with your - everything. But okay, I'm done, you may proceed."
He looks at her like he doesn't believe her, but once he sees that she's listening he continues. "Back in Texas - " He waits to see if she starts laughing again, and when she doesn't he says, "I rode a sheep when I was five years old."
Fuck, he does not make it easy for her. "You rode...a sheep?" He nods. "A fucking sheep? A sheep, Lucas. Do you not hear yourself when you talk? How do you not expect me to make fun of you for that?"
After she's done laughing, again, he proceeds. "Anyway, I didn't last very long on it. Well - I lost, fell off too early. That was my biggest regret - especially considering how Pappy Joe was so disappointed in me."
"I'm sorry, but I totally forgot what we were talking about before this," Maya interjects.
"You asked me what I thought love is."
"Right. How does this have to do with that again?"
He always seems to be rolling his eyes at her. "I'm getting to that."
"I really don't see how there's any way to make any kind of connection here, but. Go ahead."
"So I'm fifteen - Pappy Joe still thinks I'm a disappointment, the whole town thinks I'm a joke, little kids come up to me and crack jokes at my expense. It was all very traumatizing."
"I bet."
"But then, here comes this - this great opportunity. Something I've been waiting for ever since I fell off that sheep: another chance. It's scary, frightening actually, but here it is. Right in front of me."
"Hmm, and what's that? Your dignity?"
"Tombstone."
"Excuse me? This is all very cryptic, Lucas."
He gives her a smile, wide and unabashed. "No, Maya, the bull. The bull's name is Tombstone. And I rode him."
Her eyes widen at that. "You rode a bull? You rode a fucking bull? At fifteen? Are you insane?"
"I did it, and it was scary, but I won. And it's the best feeling in the world. I never let myself believe that I could ever conquer something like that, but I did, Maya." His eyes are beaming at her, smile wide, and obviously proud of his achievement.
"Well I'm happy for you. You could've gotten yourself killed - but I'm happy for you," she says this reluctantly, so he knows how stupid she thinks he is. "I still don't see how this has anything to do with love."
"To me, love is like riding Tombstone. A little scary at first, but once you let go of that fear it's completely worth it."
She considers him for a few moments. And then: "Well you could've just fucking said that. Instead of that dumb ass story I had to sit through about you and your death wish. God, Huckleberry, you're exhausting."
Lucas grins.
-
Charlie and Maya started having sex right around the time Riley and Lucas first exchanged I love yous. It wasn't even really a conscious decision - just a spontaneous, alcohol-induced, I'm sad and lonely and you're Lucas' roommate and in love with my best friend let's have sex type of thing. And then it just kept happening.
There are rules, obviously. No kissing, no going on dates, no getting jealous. It's easy to follow these rules because their non-relationship is purely physical. She's always liked the intimacy without any of the commitment.
Maya kept it from Lucas for a while before he found out. She didn't think it was any of his business anyway, didn't want any questions or concerns. And there was a part of her that knew that he wouldn't even care if she was sleeping with his roommate, and that sort of felt like a rusted knife slicing into her stomach. And she hates herself a little for even thinking that because he's with Riley and he's happy and that's the most important part here.
So when he was angry when he found out, it kind of threw her world on its axis.
It was a Saturday night, Charlie had texted her to come over because Riley and Lucas went on a date, and she hastily agreed. She knew that they were just using each other, to make that sick feeling in the pit of their stomach go away, if only for a little while. And that was okay. It was like their dirty little secret: a quick fuck in bar restrooms; hands over mouths to keep quiet in the still of the night when Lucas was asleep; intoxicated and bitter in the backseat of her car; a pity party for two unhappily in denial. They made it work.
But the next morning, when they thought Lucas would still be over at Riley's, Maya came out of Charlie's room only in her underwear and Charlie's shirt to see Lucas sitting on the couch with a look of bewilderment and disapproval on his too pretty face.
She cleared her throat, threw him the best smile she could, and said, "Hey, Ranger Rick! Thought you'd be at Riley's right about now at this time in this very moment."
His eyebrows were raised and he crossed his arms over his chest and Maya tried really hard not to look at the way his face screamed disappointment. Because at the time she'd thought it had nothing to do with jealousy, but judgment. "Maya, what are you doing?"
She shrugged, playing nonchalant. She's had this mastered since she was in middle school. "What's it to you?"
Lucas stood up from the couch, walking towards her, and she took a step back, her heart in her throat. "How long has this been going on?"
"Again I ask, what's it to you?"
"Maya, he doesn't like you like that. Why are you doing this?"
Shrugging, she said, "Well, I don't like him like that either. So you can stop with your judgy-eyes, thanks."
"Wait so - you and Charlie aren't dating?" She could tell he wasn't so much angry anymore, but confused.
Maya couldn't help but laugh. "Hell no. Never dated, not currently dating, never will date."
His entire body sagged in relief and that - that made everything worse. "Thank god. I thought I was gonna have to go in there and beat him up."
"God, don't do that. Don't play the whole macho - "
"I know he likes Riley," he interrupted, and she hated the way his eyes turned soft. "I'm sorry I got angry, but you don't deserve half of someone's heart, Maya."
It was hard to look at him then, but she could feel his eyes on her. The air felt too thick, like a noose around her neck, and she shifted her weight on her feet, silently wishing to just fucking leave.
"It's not a big deal," she responded, "me and Charlie. It's just sex. It's not a big deal."
"I just...I just really don't want you to get hurt," he told her, his voice too tender that it broke her heart. She'd noticed it a while ago, how he'd gotten better at telling her how he felt about certain things that concerned her.
She gave him her best smile. She does that a lot, she's noticed. "I'm a big girl, Lucas. You don't have to worry about me."
"Yeah, well, I do anyway." He turned around at this point, probably to go back to his room, but then he looked back at her and gave her this half smile. The one that could have her on her knees in a nanosecond. "Nice shirt, by the way. I was wondering where it went."
-
Zay texts Maya that next week that he and Farkle are on their way over to surprise Riley for her birthday. But she has no time to reply because Riley is going to show up at Lucas' in an hour and a half and the only one really getting any work done is Charlie.
Maya is yelling at Lucas because he burnt all the food so now she's going to have to go to the store and buy cheap frozen meals, and Lucas is yelling because he told Maya that he can't cook but she threatened that she'd key his car if he didn't so it's not like he had a choice, and Charlie - he's just ignoring all of it to hang up the decorations and set up the lights and play soft music in the background. All for Riley.
Sometimes Maya wonders what it's like to have someone care about her like that. And Riley has two.
Zay shows up half an hour later and they barely have time to greet him when Maya's directing him to the kitchen and begging him to finish with the dinner. When Farkle comes twenty minutes later, everything's just about finished.
"It was a fucking mess, bro," Zay is telling him, shaking his head. "Y'all need to get your personal shit - " he looks between Lucas and Maya " - together and remember that this is about Riley. Today is about Riley. So no fighting."
"Aw come on," Maya replies, a teasing grin on her face as she nudges Lucas with her elbow. "It's not a normal day if I don't make Sundance cry at least once."
“Okay fine,” Zay acquiesces. “But only once.”
“Hey!” whines Lucas, but Maya only smiles up at him and pats his arm.
“You'll live.”
“At this point, the odds aren't looking so good.”
Riley shows up and she's surprised. She tackles Farkle to the floor, pressing kisses to his cheeks and hugging him until he's breathless. As soon as Riley separates herself from Farkle, Zay is by her side in an instant, ruffling her hair and asking her how dull life has been without him around.
Maya notices how soft everyone is around Riley, how careful and gentle and thoughtful. She's not jealous of her - she's just curious what it would be like to have what Riley has.
(She doesn't look when Lucas tells her happy birthday, doesn't look when he kisses her forehead and smiles at her like she's actually the sun and moon and stars and galaxies encased in skin. It doesn't hurt if she doesn't look.)
“Hey, peaches,” Riley greets when she's done with everybody else. She wraps her arm around Maya's shoulders, plants a chaste kiss to her cheek. “Thanks for doing this for me.”
“I'd do anything for you, honey,” says Maya. “Don't you know that by now?”
Zay keeps everyone entertained throughout the night with stories of all his adventures. Riley loves stories, and he has the best ones. He tells them about visiting Texas for a couple weeks, about Vanessa, about getting caught up in a fist fight because his big mouth always manages to get him in trouble and Lucas wasn’t there to bail him out this time.
“Zay!” Riley reprimands, concern evident in the tone of her voice when she says his name. “You need to be more careful with yourself, I swear to God - “
“Calm down, sugar,” he reassures her easily. “Ain’t nothing gonna happen to me as long as you’re breathing.”
“How about you, Farkle?” Maya asks, ignoring the way Zay looks at Riley, the way Lucas places his arm over her head on the couch. “How’s NYU treating you?”
“Yeah, I heard they’ve got one of the best poli sci departments in the world,” Charlie contributes. Maya figures he’s ignoring it too.
“It’s fantastic, actually,” he responds excitedly and so Farkle-like it makes Maya ache a little at how much she’s missed him. He tells them about all of his classes in NYU, how challenging and all-consuming it is, but how satisfying the rewards are. He tells them he loves it there, the few friends he's made, the atmosphere, but he misses them more.
Maya heads outside for a cigarette break when Riley goes to help Lucas with setting up the food so they can eat. She sits on the steps, and wraps her arms around herself, wishing she brought a jacket with her. Her mom texted earlier, asking for her to call her so they can talk, now that she's done with finals and has a month off of school until the next semester begins.
This is how, like most of the conversations between them, it'll go: Katy will ask her about school, Maya will say it's fine. Katy will ask her about Riley, Maya will say she's fine. Katy will ask her about the others, Maya will say they're fine. Katy will ask her about Lucas, Maya will let the static fill the silence. If anyone asks, she'd say she gets the bad habit of denial from her mother.
Ten minutes later, she hears the door open and close behind her and she holds her breath. She doesn't think about the relief she feels when Zay sits down next to her.
"How ya doin'?" he asks, handing her a plate of chicken and cold mashed potatoes. She smiles in return.
"I'm okay," she replies. "Riley's having fun, so that's good."
"Are you?" He's looking at her like he can see right through her façade, and that's something completely terrifying.
Giving him the biggest smile she can muster up in the moment, she says, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
Zay rolls his eyes like she's so exasperating. "You don't fool me at all, Maya."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." She juts out her chin in indignation and glares. Normally that would shut anyone up, but she's come to learn that Zay is not like most people.
He laughs at her. "Alright, we'll play it your way. But just know that you're just as transparent as you think you're not."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does. You'll figure it out," he pauses and traces her face with his eyes, a smirk at the edge of his mouth, like he knows something she doesn't. "You know what Lucas used to call me up and tell me about back in freshman year when I was still living in Texas?"
"Hm?"
"He used to tell me stories about the blonde beauty that sat next to him in sociology one day, used to tell me how full of fire she was. Unpredictable and destructive, like a hurricane." There's a smile on his face when he speaks, like he's remembering a good memory. She doesn't see why. "How he looked forward to going to class everyday just to see what kind of shit she would get herself into, because he liked just being near her."
Maya swallows thickly. She never knew this. He never told her.
"Before you, he would tell me how much he missed Texas, how much he wanted to go back."
"And now?"
Zay shrugs. "He likes it here. Likes you and Riley. His new friends, his classes. Doesn't stop talking about his life in New York. You guys changed him. He's a better person now. I just always thought that - that you were the one he would end up with."
"Why are you telling me this?" she asks hopelessly. If this was supposed to make her feel better then he's got another thing coming.
"Because I think you need to hear it." Zay has never been anything but honest with her. "I know you, Maya. You may be a hurricane but you're not invincible."
Later that night, when all the presents have been opened ("Lucas, I can't believe you got me a frying pan.......I LOVE IT!"), when all the cake has been eaten, when everyone is asleep either on the couch or on the floor, it's just the two of them left.
Riley leans her head on Maya's shoulder. "I had a good time tonight. Did I say thank you already?"
Maya laughs softly, as to not wake the others. "Yeah, you did. Sixty-seven billion times."
"Well thank you again anyway," she says. "You guys make me happy. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I think you'd be okay. In any world, you'd be okay."
"No, that's you, my fierce little Amazon warrior. You're the bravest person I know."
Maya doesn't think so. She's a hurricane in the way that it destroys everything it touches. She's a warrior in the way she wears her brokenness like body armor. She's not brave; she's a sheep in lion's clothing. "Hm, I don't know about that."
"Thanks for the sunflower, peaches," Riley says after a few moments, lacing her fingers with Maya's. "I named it already."
"Oh yeah? What'd you name it?"
"Princess Dancing Sunshine."
Maya lets out a surprised laugh before quickly cutting it off, glancing around to make sure she didn't wake anyone up. "Only you, honey. Only you."
Riley reaches over to grab her Polaroid camera sitting on the coffee table, snapping a picture of the two of them, smiles wide and eyes bleary with sleep. For the scrapbook, she says.
It's then that Lucas stirs on the floor beside them and Maya watches as he slowly sits up, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palms. He blinks sleepily at them, and then smiles, placing his hand on Riley's knee, making to kiss her cheek but ending up landing on her jaw.
Riley giggles, telling Maya that she's going to take this sleepy giraffe to bed. Lucas drapes an arm across her shoulders and Riley wraps hers around his waist and Maya doesn't look as they stumble into his room together. It doesn't hurt if she doesn't look.
-
The second time Lucas flips her world on its axis is when he tells her he's going to be moving back to Texas.
Charlie texts her again, telling her to come over, but when she gets there all he wants to do is talk.
"Charlie, are you seriously pulling a Holden Caufield on me right now - seriously?"
"Except for the fact that you're not a prostitute."
"That could change easily," she says to him, flopping down on his bed next to him. There's a pile of comic books left haphazardly on the sheets so she shoves them on the floor, ignoring his hardened glare. "I could start charging you by the minute."
"Such a shame I'm living on a measly five dollars plus tips salary and going to school full time," Charlie answers dryly. Maya watches as he leans back against his headboard, closing his eyes. It's only four in the afternoon but he looks so tired.
"Charlie Gardner! Olive Garden waiter!" she says in that accent she does around him, a crooked grin on her face.
He rolls his eyes at her but he's got this charmed, lopsided smile that she knows he saves only for her. "The only thing I'd be able to pay you in is baskets of garlic bread."
"Hey, I'm not complaining there," she says easily. "So what'd you wanna talk about?"
There's a moment where the quiet is almost too much for her - the way he doesn't look at her, the way his hands are fidgeting with the frayed seams of his blanket. "Charlie - "
"I'm in love with her," he says in a rush. "With Riley. I'm in love with Riley."
Maya releases the breath she's been holding. "Well no fucking shit. Literally the entirety of the world knows you're a lovesick puppy over - "
"I think we should stop."
"What?"
"This. I think we should stop this - whatever we're doing." It's called eye contact, Gardner, use it.
Maya's been rejected by a lot of boys, and some girls, and she's been left, more times than she can count. But this - whatever they were doing - didn't mean anything. Which means that there should be no residual mark on her heart signifying someone else who's decided they don't want her anymore. So why the fuck does it still sting?
"You sure you want to?" she asks.
"Yeah," he whispers. "Yeah, I'm sure. I think it would just be best...for everyone. And anyway, I don't think I can stand the hostile stares from Lucas whenever you leave my room anymore, so. Works out for everyone."
It's not like Maya's sad or anything, or that she was falling for him or some bullshit like that. It's just, she doesn't think she can handle being not good enough for someone. Doesn't think she can handle someone else choosing Riley over her again. If that makes her selfish, then so fucking be it.
"Okay," Maya concedes, getting up from his bed, adjusting her clothes. "Fine, if that's what you want."
"You gonna be okay?"
Now Maya rolls her eyes because fuck that. "This is nothing, Charlie. It never meant anything like that. Of course I'm gonna be fine." This is about 95% true. The other 5% only has to do with her bruised ego.
"Maya," he calls out to her just as she's about to turn the door knob. "I just want it to stop hurting so much. You know?"
The truth is, she does know, so she takes a deep breath, removes her hand and walks over to him. He stares back at her, and she's never seen someone look so sad before. All Charlie's ever wanted to do was make Riley happy, to be her Prince Charming and do everything in the world that he can for her. But he can't, and he has to know that. And the thing about Maya is that she has so much empathy in such a small body, so much heart, that she feels the absolute extremes of everything. So when someone is hurting, she hurts too.
Maya leans forward and kisses his forehead.
"You need to move the fuck on, Charlie." She knows it's not what he wants to hear, but he needs to hear it anyway. "She doesn't love you like that and you look pathetic." She doesn't know who she's trying to convince here - Charlie, or herself.
But he doesn't argue because he knows she's right. "I'll move on from Riley when you move on from Lucas."
Maya doesn't know if that's possible; she's been trying to move on for all this time, and nothing's really changed. It still feels like there's extra space inside her chest meant only for him and she doesn't know what to do with the emptiness of it, except try to fill it with temporary fixes - like Charlie Gardner, for instance.
"Okay, deal," she says and takes a step back. "We got this. We don't need them, right? We don't need them."
"Right," he says, unconvincingly. "Right."
Maya leaves his room then, with the intention of going back to her own apartment, and work up the courage to tell Lucas that maybe they shouldn't be spending so much time together anymore. She knows it'll hurt him, but it's about time she takes care of herself first.
But before she can get to the front door, she hears him, hears his voice spilling from the crack in his bedroom door, and it sounds angry. Upset. She remembers their conversation a few weeks back, remembers how distant he's been acting. All thoughts of removing herself from him are thrown out the window as she pushes open his door, just as he hangs up the phone with an angry goodbye and a reluctant "sir."
"Everything okay?" she asks cautiously, lingering by the door, fist tight around the knob.
His expression softens once he sees her. Lucas expels a heavy sigh, and sinks onto the foot of his bed, his face in his palms.
A cold dread washes over her, stills her breath as she watches him. She can feel panic rise in her chest so she quickly runs over to him, sitting next to him and places a hand on his back. His muscles there are tense and the worry lines on the edges of his mouth are present again. "Lucas, tell me, what's wrong? What happened?"
He takes a deep breath. "I didn't want to tell you like this, Maya. I didn't - "
"What? Didn't want to tell me what? Lucas - "
He looks at her now, but she wishes he didn't. "That was my dad, on the phone. He has to go back to Texas, wants me to go with him."
She swears she feels her heart stop working for one horrifying moment. Her fingers clutch the fabric of his shirt, nails scraping his back, and if it hurts him he doesn't comment on it. "Well tell him no, obviously. You belong here, this is your home now. Right? You wanna stay here, right? Tell him no, Lucas."
Maya hates the look on his face, wants to tell him to close his eyes so she doesn't have to see herself breaking in them. "I can't, Maya," he whispers. "I can't."
"Why not? You're in college now and you don't even live with him, so why - "
He's shaking his head and she hates the finality of it all. How he won't even try. "I have to do what he says, Maya."
"No you don't - "
"Maya, please don't make this any harder than it already is." He's looking away now and she's grateful. His hands are balled into fists, veins harshly protruding from the skin of his arms.
She swallows thickly, leaning away from him, withdrawing her hand from his back. Be brave, fierce little Amazon Warrior, you have to be brave now. "Okay. Okay. So you're moving back to Texas, that's fine, it's fine. When, exactly, will you be moving back to Texas?"
"Next month." His voice is too soft for her, too resigned. She wants to yell at him to call his father back and beg to stay. She wants him to stay so badly.
"Next month, wow, okay," she responds, wringing her fingers together on her lap. "It's fine, it's not like it's the end of the world, right? You'll come back, won't you?"
She sees him close his eyes. "I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know."
She thinks this is heartbreak. All those times those other people left her were only preparing her for this moment, for Lucas leaving. And she hates herself a little bit more because he wasn't supposed to mean this much to her.
"Have you told Riley?" she asks. There's a framed photo sitting on his desk of their whole group on the last day of summer that she focuses her attention on. They had just finished with a paintball game that day so their bodies were a kaleidoscope of neon colors, and her head was leaning on Farkle's shoulder, staining his shirt with the war paint Lucas smeared on her face earlier. Everything seemed so much easier back then.
He hesitates before answering. "No. I just - we...we've been fighting recently - "
"You what?"
"It's - "
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Riley tell me?" She can't remember the last time Riley and Lucas have had a real fight before - it just wasn't in their nature. Maya had always warned Riley that it wasn't healthy to keep things bottled up, that you actually had to talk to each other in a relationship, or it'll blow up in your face later on. Maybe she should start taking her own advice.
"Because it's between me and Riley," he says to her, his eyes focused on his hands. "And I'm gonna tell her about Texas. Tonight. I'm gonna tell her tonight."
"Fuck," Maya breathes out, her head in her hands. "This is gonna fuck her up. Shit."
"I know."
"Are you gonna - are you guys gonna try the long distance thing?" Maya asks cautiously. She doesn't know if she wants to know the answer.
"I don't know yet."
"You know, if you do try, there's a high probability that you'll only last five months at the most. 40% of long distance relationships end in a break up."
Lucas lets out a humorless laugh. "You're really making me feel so much better here, Maya."
"Do you really wanna be a part of a statistic, Hopalong?" She's only half joking.
"I don't know what to do anymore," he says, and he sounds exhausted.
She's not that great at comforting with words, but she's always been able to talk with her hands. Maya wraps her arm around his broad shoulders, fitting her head in the crook of his neck. She wonders for a second if this is allowed - but it must be, right? She's his best friend before anything, and he's hurting, and she wants to help.
"I hope you and Riley fix whatever it is that needs fixing," she tells him, sincerely. "I hope you don't have to move to Texas. Maybe you should just fake your death. I've done it once, for a day. It's very effective."
"You've faked your death before?"
She dismisses it with a click of her tongue and a flick of her wrist. "Ah, it's a boring story."
"I could use a boring story."
"You really wanna know?"
"Spill it."
"Remember, you asked for this." Maya lifts her head from his shoulder to see that he's smiling down at her. That's all she wanted, after all.
That night she calls her mother.
She picks up on the third ring with: "Hey, baby girl."
"You were right, mom," she says instead of a greeting, biting her bottom lip until she tastes blood on her tongue. "You were right."
"About what? Maya, what's wrong, why do you sound like that?"
"Being in love is fucking stupid and it hurts and I should've listened to you." She's sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest and wishing that she hasn't really been reduced to a crying mess because of a fucking boy.
"Oh, honey." There's a sadness in her voice. "No, baby, don't think like that."
"Mom, I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend who's moving back to Texas for god knows how long. What kind of tragic walking cliché am I? Jesus Christ. Fuck."
"Lucas is moving?"
"Yeah, next month. He's probably telling Riley right now. Fuck, why couldn't I have just fallen in love with somebody else? Why him? What is so great about Lucas Friar that I just had to go and love him."
"I think you know why, baby."
"Yeah, I know," she responds miserably. "We're doomed to love people who will never love us back, aren't we?"
Katy laughs then, even though she knows she probably didn't think it was very funny. "Guess so. But you know what? You're gonna be okay, Maya. I know it. You're strong, and this has only made you stronger."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I know you," she says, and her mother sounds so sure of herself. "Because I know how brave you are, how brave you've always been."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" she groans and flops down on her back. "You guys are so goddamn dramatic."
"I know how much it sucks, but maybe this is good. Maybe you need the distance. It doesn't help that you two are always together anyway."
The irony isn't lost on her that she was almost going to tell Lucas that she wanted space in the first place. Fucking hilarious. "Yeah. Maybe you're right."
"Mama's always right. When will you learn this?"
"I shouldn't tell him, right? How I feel, before he leaves?"
"That's a choice you're going to have to make on your own."
"I just feel like - I mean I know he doesn't...love me like that," she begins, her lips raw from worry. "But I can't not say anything anymore, you know? And I know I'm gonna have to tell Riley, but it's just - why is everything so complicated? Mom, this is your one chance, your golden ticket, to be a mother and tell me what to do. Go!"
"You know I can't do that," she says with a quiet laugh. "This is your decision. And maybe there is no right or wrong one, because any of those choices are going to hurt at least one of you. Riley, if you tell her and Lucas; or you, if you choose not to and keep holding this in like I know you've been doing for a while now. And that's the question, baby girl, do you want to keep hurting?"
Maya doesn't know the answer.
-
The weeks following that night are different, to say the least.
Maya went to go comfort Riley about Lucas a couple days after but she acted like everything was fine and remained inconsolable, and became more distant in the process. Maya's been hanging out with Charlie more, and Zay when he's in the city, to do her best to distance herself from Lucas. Who has definitely noticed her behavior.
She's sitting out on their porch, sharing a cigarette with Charlie, taking stupid selfies for Riley's scrapbook, and idly talking about going to the record store down the street when Lucas comes home. He wasn't supposed to be back for another hour, so she planned to be gone by then, but here they are.
"What was your name again? I haven't seen you in so long it's completely slipped my mind," he says to her, with only a little bitterness seeping into his words. He's so dramatic.
"Sorry, I've been busy."
"Charlie, do you mind?"
"Oh! Oh no, course not. I'll just - leave you two to it then." He stumbles up from his seat, swiping the cigarette from her mouth so he can have the last of it. She sticks her tongue out at him in retaliation but he just gives her a wave and half a smirk before returning inside.
"What's up?" she asks, leaning back on her palms and staring at the clouds so she doesn't have to look at him. It's too cold out and she's wrapped up in three jackets and a sweater, but all he's got on is a light t-shirt. He's going to get hyperthermia and die. He's so goddamn stupid, she thinks, she said he should fake his own death, not actually kill himself.
"What - what's up? Are you kidding me? I'm leaving for Texas in two weeks and you choose to be smoking cigarettes with Charlie?"
"I just thought you'd wanna, I don't know, spend time with Riley. Or whatever."
"Maya, come on," he says, looks at her like she's being an idiot. "You're my best friend. I wanna see you. I wanna hang out with you. I don't want to leave with us like this."
"With us like what, Lucas?"
"Like this."
Maya leans forward then, her elbows on her knees. "Lucas - "
"Why won't you look at me?"
"What?"
"Look at me, Maya."
She doesn't want to. It'll be too hard for her, she knows this, and she wants to learn how to stop loving him. Not looking at him is a start. "I can't," she whispers.
"Why?"
Maya bites her lip, running her hands through her hair. Is now the time? Is she going to tell him now? "Because - because I..."
"I know I hurt you in some way and I'm sorry. But please don't push me away."
"In some way? Lucas, you're moving to Texas. And, yes, it hurts, but you know who it also hurts? Riley. Your girlfriend. My best friend. And it kills me that she won't talk to me about it."
He doesn't say anything to that because what can he say? Nothing will make this better. Nothing will keep him in New York, but there are so many words on the tip of her tongue -
Stay, because I don't want to be without you.
Stay, because I wrapped myself so closely around your heart.
Stay, because I want to waste time with you.
Stay, because it's you. It's always been you.
She wants to tell him so badly, even if it hurts, Maya wants him to know. But she can't tell him how in love with him she is, at least not right now. It's not fair to any of them.
"I'll visit," he whispers. "As much as I can. I promise."
Maya nods. "Yeah, and then you won't. You'll get too busy. You won't call, or text. You'll miss birthdays. Holidays. Meet new people to call a family - "
"Don't say that - "
"It's happened before," she reminds him. It shouldn't have been like this. She shouldn't have let herself get too close. Her mother was wrong, love isn't a good type of hurt. It's a sharp sting right between her sternum, right in the spaces of her rib cage, in the ridges of her spine. It's everywhere, and is it really worth it? Feeling like this for someone who will never give her his heart? "Who's to say it won't happen again?"
"You guys are too important to me, you know that -"
"Do I?" She's being insecure, she knows this, but she's scared too. He's the only she's ever felt this way about and now he's leaving. She's scared he'll forget about her.
"Maya - " his voice is pleading, like his eyes, begging her to understand. "you are my best friend, so you're stuck with me. Pretty much for forever because I will never leave you."
"You can't know that for sure," she says to him.
"But I do. I know our future. We're always gonna be in each other's lives. I'm gonna be your best man at your wedding and you're gonna be the best man at mine. You're gonna baby sit my kid even though I probably shouldn't trust you with a child, but she'll most likely like you better than me anyway. Your kid is gonna be a goddamn disaster, just like his mother, but I'll love him anyway. I'll love him because of it. And you and Charlie are - "
"Whoa hold up, I'm married to Charlie in this little fantasy of yours?" she interrupts, holding her hands up in disbelief.
Lucas shrugs. "I know how this turns out - whatever is going on between you - "
"We ended that, Lucas," she tells him. "A couple weeks ago, the night you told me you were moving. Charlie ended it."
"Oh." It catches him off guard, she can tell. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing? We were never like that. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"I don't know, I just thought he was gonna be different. All the other guys you've had casual sex with never lasted for this long. I thought he meant something more to you," he explains, and he's chewing on his lip, drumming his fingers on the cement underneath him, the way he does when he's nervous.
"It was never like that between us. We were just...using each other."
"Why?"
She's silent, figuring out how to tell him without actually confessing her feelings. "Remember when you asked me if I've ever been in love?"
He nods.
"Well, I have...I am," she tells him, carefully reading his reaction. His eyes widen slightly and he opens his mouth to say something but she beats him to it. "And he doesn't love me back, so Charlie was just...a defense mechanism. A way to stop feeling that way about him, at least temporarily."
"So you used him like he used you," he responds slowly. "Because he's in love with Riley. So...who are you in love with?"
"It doesn't matter. It's never going to happen."
"Well, how do you know that if you've never tried?" Lucas leans towards her slightly, his elbows on his knees, his hands folded together.
Maya swallows her guilt, thick like honey, and stares through him. "Because I know. Because he...chose someone else."
He stares at her for a while, and then leans back but not before touching her knee in comfort. "Well then he's an idiot. He doesn't know how much he's missing out on."
She bites her tongue, digs her nails into her palms, and laughs so she doesn't cry. "Yeah. Why don't you tell him that?"
-
"I know you're in love with him."
Maya chokes on her soda, pounding her chest with her fist. "I'm - what? In love with whom?"
Riley rolls her eyes, and leans across the table, grabbing Maya's hand in her own, thinly veiled pain in her eyes that she wants so badly to soothe away. They're sitting at a diner at two in the morning because Maya couldn't sleep so she dragged Riley to get milkshakes with her. "With Lucas. I know you're in love with Lucas, Maya."
"I don't know how you ever came to that conclusion, but there is no way I'm in love with that dumbass, I mean, honestly - "
"You can stop pretending with me, peaches," she says softly. Riley takes her hand back, fidgets with an empty straw wrapper.
"How...how did you..."
"How did I find out?" Riley's looking out the window, watching as the moon smiles back like it knows all their secrets. "I think I kinda knew for a while now, but I never put it all together. Sometimes, especially in the beginning of our relationship, I'd see the way you guys would act around each other. I mean, you did know him before me after all. You were friends, and you were close. That's what I told myself anyways. But I see the way you look at him, Maya, and it breaks my heart to see you like that. To see you hurting that much over someone and knowing that you could be happy if I would just let him go - "
"Don't be ridiculous, Riley, you guys are perfect for each other, you guys love each other - "
"You love him." There's a steeliness in her tone that makes Maya look at her. She's looking back with firm resolve, her eyes determined, hands balled into little fists on her lap. "Probably more than I do. Than I ever could."
"You don't know what you're talking about - "
"Don't patronize me," Riley whispers a little too harshly, before closing her eyes tightly and taking a deep breath. "I'm not an idiot. You aren't exactly transparent with your feelings, you know, especially recently."
Maya feels the back of her throat burning as she holds back a cry. She hates herself a lot more now, and she wants so badly for Riley to understand that if she could stop loving Lucas she would in a heartbeat, if that meant not hurting Riley and not feeling this shitty all the time anymore. "Riley, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to -"
Riley holds up a hand, a bitter smile on her face, eyes wet with unshed tears. "I know you didn't. And I know you stepped back, Maya. I know you liked him before I did, and you liked him while I dated him, and you like him now. For a year and a half. And you never said anything. You let me have him. Why did you do that?"
"Because I love you, Riley. And I want you to be happy, and Lucas made you happy - "
"What about you, Maya? What about your happiness?"
She stays silent.
"You never think about yourself, do you? You need to stop this. Putting everyone before yourself, giving up the things that make you happy for the sake of others."
"You'd do the same for me," Maya says quietly, refusing to look at her best friend. It's quiet in the diner, only the two of them and an old man sitting in the back corner occupying the space. There's soft music playing from the juke box, and it reminds Maya of her last high school dance. When she kissed the girl she liked and Riley and Farkle were dancing under the disco ball together and there wasn't a heaviness in her chest that made it hard for her to breathe. It was only two years ago, but a lot can happen in two years.
"I would. I'd do anything for you, you know that. But if you love someone, you should tell them. I know you think you don't, but you deserve it too. You deserve someone who looks at you like you're the world because you are. I wish you'd see that."
"If it was anybody but Lucas - "
Riley takes her hand again. "You deserve Lucas."
"No, no I don't. He's yours - "
"No he's not. I don't own him. He's not my property. And I know you could love him more. And I know that he could love you."
Maya shakes her head. "But he's in love with you, Riles."
Riley leans back in her seat, blinking up at the ceiling, her fingers circling the marbled table. "We haven't loved each other like that in a long time, Maya. You really should learn how to read people more efficiently."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she takes a deep breath, "we're not right for each other. He gave his heart to the blonde beauty in his sociology class a long time ago, and I don't even think he realizes it himself yet. But he'll get there. He's kind of an idiot that way." There's a half-smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"Riley, I'm telling you right now that Lucas doesn't love me. He could never love me, and he will never love me. Because for him, it's you."
"And for you, it's him."
Her response is quick. All she wants is for this conversation to be over. She's never really been that great at the feelings talk with Riley anyway. "That doesn't matter."
"You liked him first, and you still do."
"That doesn't matter, either."
"It could, if you tell him. Trust me, Maya."
She takes a deep, shaky breath. "I can't do that to you."
Riley just rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue in annoyance. "The only way you'd be hurting me is if you don't tell him how you feel. I can't be the reason you've been unhappy for almost two years and not do anything about it."
"You are not the reason - don't you dare even say that - "
"I'm just saying," she interjects. "I think it's about time that I stepped back."
-
Three days before Lucas is to leave for Texas, there's a knock on Maya's door. She opens it to find Lucas, with a bottle of rum in his hand, and he stumbles into her.
"Whoa whoa whoa, Ranger Rick, what's gotten into you?" she exclaims, draping his arm across her shoulders so she can take him to her couch. She shoves him down and grabs the bottle from him, setting it down on the coffee table. "What happened?"
"What hasn't happened is the question you should be asking," he slurs as a response, flicking his index finger up. He smiles up at her. "This has probably been the worst month of my life. And you're wearing my shirt again."
Maya glances down to see that she is in fact wearing the shirt she wore when Lucas first found out about her and Charlie, a faded blue now. She mutters a curse, tells him he's probably never getting it back, and then sighs, slumping down next to him and taking the bottle of rum. She coughs after, the alcohol like fire burning along her throat, and then hands him the bottle. "Spill it."
"I'm moving to Texas in three days, Farkle isn't speaking to me at the moment because I accidentally broke this weird scientifical looking watch robot thing that he's been working on, Riley broke up with me, and I got tomato sauce on my favorite pair of cowboy boots. I knew I shouldn't have gotten it in white."
"Wait, what?"
"I know, I give you permission to call me a dumbass. The black would've been the smarter choice."
"No, I meant - Riley broke up with you?"
"Yeah. This morning. I mean, I probably should've seen this coming, if I'm being completely honest."
"Are you...are you okay?" she asks hesitantly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her heart is beating uncontrollably fast, her conversation with Riley a couple days ago at the forefront of her mind.
"I don't know," he mumbles, playing with his fingers. She has to stop herself from holding them. "I thought we could work through it but I guess not."
"What did she say?"
Lucas runs a hand through his hair with a short laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "She said...she said that I didn't love her anymore, that she didn't love me anymore either. I was gonna tell her that's bullshit, that of course I do, but I couldn't. Because maybe she's right. Maybe I don't love her like I used to, and that's not fair to her. She deserves someone who's gonna love her with everything, and I couldn't be that for her. And then she said it's because there's...someone else."
"Who?"
Lucas looks at her for a long time before groaning and then dropping his head on her shoulder, his lips pressed against her neck. Maya stills underneath him, eyelids fluttering as rapidly as her heartbeat. "I don't wanna tell you," he mumbles.
"Who is it, Lucas?"
"Fine. Okay. She's...a little rough around the edges, but she's fucking beautiful. She has these blue eyes and - I like when they sparkle when she looks at me, and when she's yelling at me about how stupid I am with a smile on her face, that's the best. She has a scar on her ankle that she got when she was nine. Her favorite colors are blue and yellow. She loves to draw - has pages of sketches in old notebooks that she doesn't let anyone see. Likes to write too. You should read her stuff, Maya. It's really good. I like it so much. I like her so much."
Somehow her hand ended up in his hair, but she can't really think straight with his breath on her skin. "You can't tell her, Lucas. Riley's gonna be so hurt and you're leaving on Friday and - "
"Riley thought you might say that," he says and lifts his head from her shoulder. "She told me to tell you to shut the fuck up - except she didn't say 'fuck,' that was all me - and be happy for once. She wants you to be happy. I want you to be happy, too."
Maya bites her lip and distances herself from him. "I'm sorry. I just can't."
He nods, watches her from the other side of the couch. She gets up to grab her camera from her room and comes back to snap a quick photo of Lucas - messy hair, red-rimmed eyes, disheveled clothes, confessions ready to fall from his parted lips. Maya wants to ask Riley if this is what she had in mind when she was talking about growth and friendship. She doesn't really think so.
After a few moments he stands up, grabs the bottle of rum, and stumbles to the front door. She follows him, tells him to go straight home and that she already texted Charlie to report back to her when he gets there safe. Lucas steps outside and Maya doesn't go any further, her hand tight around the door knob.
"It's you, you know," he says to her after clearing his throat. His eyes are focused on her shoulder, and she's glad for it. She's afraid she's going to change her mind and drag him back inside if he looks in her eyes. She's always been weak for him too, she knows that. "I was talking about you."
"I know," she answers softly. She doesn't know if this is the end of something, or if it's the beginning. The only thing she's sure of is that she's not sure of anything at all. But she loves him, she does, she's just not ready for him yet. And they've never really been good at timing anyway. "I know."