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the first time maki sees you in shibuya is soon after she exits the zen'in family house, the weight of her own sister’s bloodied corpse still ghosting her arms despite being long gone. she feels her breath hitch as she realises that you are here. why? how? had you been waiting this entire time, as she slaughtered her family? there is a strange sort of shame that fills her body as she realises this. it is not because of the fact that she had killed her family; no, she would never regret killing them. they were as good as maggots in her eyes, even when they had been alive. in fact, if there truly is an afterlife, maki prays that every cut of her sword burns them for eternity as they rot in hell. instead, the shame she feels is brought on the moment your eyes land on her figure, newly scarred and bruised and burnt. she can’t help the ways her eyes avert yours as her face twists into a scowl. in truth, she fears the look that your eyes may hold.
“why’re you here?” she barks out, and her voice sounds far too rough, even to her own ears. it’s not a voice that you should ever hear, in all your beauty and softness and good.
“i was looking for you,” you say, your voice barely above a whisper. somehow, ironically, in the eerie quiet of shibuya, your words feel even more quiet than they really are.
maki almost rushes to reach out for you then and there. to cover your eyes and ears as she leads you out of this mess. to whisper promises of love and safety and peace as she envelops your body whole. but then she stops herself. maybe the maki from before could have done something like that. the maki from before would’ve done it, and with ease as well. but the maki of now is a different story. her skin is rough with burns and far too cold, and her hands are dripping wet with dirty, dirty blood. she’s grown too used to gnashing her teeth and biting down on anything she can, hard. in her chest, where there used to be warmth and a beating heart, a leaden stone lies in its place, cold and unfeeling. nothing about her is something you should have to feel.
so she decides she will drive you away, far, far away from all of this disgusting rot.
“and did you?” she sneers, voice cold and mean, nothing like she’s ever said to you before. she’s always been so soft with you; truly, it’s impossible not to. she thinks it must be a second, secret cursed technique. you bring out something in her that she’s never felt before, smoothing out her roughness like soft hands on wet clay, filling her with a gentle warmth in the process. she could never be mean to you, even now. she fights everything in herself to meet your gaze.
“why won’t you look at me, maki?” you ask, voice filled with hurt and desperation. you are almost begging for her to just look at you, to simply meet your gaze. does she think, in all of your weakness, that you are disgusting? your voice sounds shaky, as if you are on the verge of tears, and for the second time, maki has to stop herself from running towards you.
there is just silence for a while.
“please, look at me,” you beg again, growing more and more desperate as maki looks everywhere but at you.
finally, maki meets your gaze. it fills her heart with so much fear as she brings herself to do it. perhaps this is what all of her hostility really is. fear. for a moment, her cold facade drops, revealing everything she so desperately wanted to hide from you. instead of the fear and disgust she had expected to be met with, your hurt, worried gaze drips with a love that she had forgotten existed in the world. a pain rings throughout her body, starting from her leaden stone heart until the very tips of her fingers, because despite everything, despite how much she tries to deny it, a stone heart is still a heart. and then, her poker face is back once more, quicker and stronger than when it had fallen away.
“you think i’m disgusting, right?” maki spits out, her cruel tone contrasting her child-like words. in truth, she knows, knew, that you would never think of anyone this way. not even her, in all of her ruined glory. still, a small corner of her mind doubts everything she knows about you, and despite herself, she gives in to this whisper, because how could anyone love her, all scarred and bloodied? she looks away from you again, unable to bear the shame.
“don’t say that,” you whisper, trying your hardest to fight against her cold tone and even colder words. you say it like a child facing her bully, and for a moment, maki almost laughs, in the sweet way that she used to be able to do so easily.
“you think i’m disgusting. i know it. say it,” she shouts this time, desperate for it to be true. because if it were true, then it would be easier to make you leave. because if it were true, then she would not have to face the hurt of hope. her hand grips the hilt of her sword, hard, as she fights to stand in front of you. to hurt you.
“don’t say that,” you repeat, your voice slightly louder than before. your brows furrow and your breathing quickens slightly. these are all things maki can see so easily with her new body, proof of her death and rebirth. a reminder that she is different now, and deserves different things.
“i’m not stupid,” maki yells, sneering, “drop the act. leave.”
“stop,” you shout back.
“just say it,” maki growls.
“stop,” your voice grows louder and your breathing grows rougher.
“i know you’re thinking it. i know you hate me,” maki lies once more.
“i don’t,” you yell.
“just leave. i don’t want you here,” an outright lie once more: maki could never want you to leave.
and then suddenly, she comes toppling down onto the cold, hard concrete as you push her down. warm hands, soft hands, come against her face as she is forced to meet your gaze. you are filled with an anger she had never seen before as hot tears drip down your face. her eyes widen and a breath falls from her lips. oh, how she wishes her hands were clean so that she may wipe those tears away. her face finally betrays the fear and worry and hurt that she had felt.
“i don’t think you’re disgusting. and i don’t hate you. stop saying that,” your voice is loud and clear as it rings against her face. there is an immovable strength behind your words.
“you’re just saying that,” maki still tries to fight, even as she is forced to look straight at your fiery gaze and trembling lips. even though she knows that you are telling the truth.
“i’m not,” you say, and then you wrap your arms around her body and bury your face into the crook of her scarred neck. maki feels your hot, wet tears against her skin.
“stop—“ maki tries to tear you off of her, gently this time, with the same kindness that she is used to treating you with. the same kindness that she wants to treat you with, “it’s rough and disgusting. you shouldn’t put your face on something like that.”
“it isn’t, so stop saying you’re disgusting,” you finally fully cry into maki’s skin. it is as soft and warm as you remember it, even with the scars. you had been so, so scared and even more lonely.
“okay,” maki finally gives in, wrapping her arms around you and bringing you flush against her own body. she doesn’t know who she had been fighting: you or herself. she prays that the gods wash you free of her sins when you part. that it wouldn’t matter if she rot in hell so long as they may forgive you for the blood smeared onto your skin from her hands. the heavy thing in place of her old heart begins to beat again, filling her with a warmth that she didn’t know she had been longing for.
after a while, maki gently lifts your face up, all red and swollen and wet, and uses the back of her hands, the parts that weren’t so scarred, to wipe away your tears. you take a moment to just look at her, and she does so too. her cheeks warm under your stare. it’s been a while since someone has truly regarded her. still, she doesn’t look away. maki hopes that she can commit every one of your moles, small wrinkles, and freckles to memory until she can recognise you just by the sound of your breaths alone.
“i’m sorry,” you finally open your mouth.
“for what?” maki laughs, still looking at you with a dripping devotion. you truly were so strange sometimes; what could you be sorry for? if anything, she should be the one apologising, for leaving you alone in such a desolate place.
“i can’t imagine how much it must have hurt,” you continue, tracing her scars with a touch so soft that a part of her worries you might disappear.
“it wasn’t that bad,” maki lies without even a grimace. it’s hard to do anything but smile in front of you. after all, maki thinks that these things are the last things you should worry your pretty head with.
“i wish i was there, with you. maybe i could have done something,” you pay her lie no mind, knowing full well that it would mean nothing to argue against it. because that’s just how maki is, so strong and dependable and caring. still, you wish she would let you take care of her once in a while.
“you wouldn’t have been able to do anything. it was inevitable,” she combs her fingers through your hair, rough and tangled, but still as pretty as ever, “it’s not because you’re weak or anything. i swear. don’t feel guilty. i would hate myself if you felt guilty for this.”
“you must have been in so much pain, and so lonely too. i could have helped at least a little. i could have been by your side,” you’re almost in tears again as you begin to wallow in your guilt and empathy, “it must’ve hurt so, so much, right?”
“it’s okay,” maki says softly, a faint smile painted onto her lips for the first time in a long while.
“i’m sorry.”
“okay. i forgive you,” maki forgives you with ease, taking the fingers that trace her scars onto her lips, kissing them gently.
your simple words are more than enough to make maki forgive you, even though you had done nothing wrong in her eyes. truly, you could never do wrong in her eyes, but if it is her forgiveness you want, then it would be yours to have until the day you pass and even beyond that. because how long had it been since someone had treated her with such kindness and softness, as if all the little things, the moments of pain and loneliness, had truly mattered? how long had it been since someone looked at her with worry and love instead of arrogance and contempt? for that alone, maki believes you deserve everything good the gods have to offer.
“i’m so glad i found you, maki,” you whisper, your face so close to hers that she can feel your breath on her own lips, as if she had said the words herself.
“me too,” maki hums, finally finding enough peace to let her eyes rest for a little while.
so with a steady, strong hand and a soft kiss on your lips, maki prays to the gods one last time that she, in all her bloodied, battered, and grotesque glory, would be able to bring you everything good in the world.
(and you, with a single kiss now and a million more that you promise, pray to the gods to be able to love her until the day you die.)