Work Text:
"Define depression."
Camilla's words caught her co-workers' attention. Millie's fingers frantically typed into her keyboard as Camilla scooted closer to her.
"...a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest."
Yor shifted in her seat as she glanced at Camilla. The woman heaved a sigh and leaned her back against her chair. Sharon stood up and peered her head at Millie's cubicle.
"Everything alright?" she asks carefully. Yor listens.
"I don't know..." Camilla interjected, "I've just been feeling...off these past few days."
Millie frowns, "Do you think it has to do with your break up with Dominic?"
Camilla plays with the hem of her skirt, "Maybe? I don't know. Ever since Dominic moved out, I haven't been eating well or sleeping well, and sometimes I find myself staring into space. The funny thing is, it's not just Dominic who I kept on thinking about. I also think about other things. Like how my parents died, the war, and other sad things."
"You're grieving," Sharon says, "Because of your breakup, I assume. Sometimes that happens. When your person suddenly becomes your nothing...then you'll end up thinking other things that will lead you to...:
Camilla sighs again, "But it's been months since Dom and I separated. Why now? I was okay after we broke up."
"Well, that's how grieving works. Some days you won't feel the loss, then the next, it's all you can feel."
Camilla looks at Yor.
"What do you think, Yor? Was it the same for you when you and Loid broke up?"
Yor's eyes suddenly widened at the question.
"I...I don't know. I can't...I don't remember."
When Camilla sighs for the twentieth time, Yor is already lost in her thoughts. She looked back at the papers in front of her and suddenly, she lost all the motivation to do her work.
Instead of going straight into her house, Yor stops by the park where she, Anya, and Loid used to go. She couldn't remember the last time she visited this place. All she knows is that she tried her best to avoid the places that she and Loid used to go to. She didn't want to be flooded by their memories. Memories are much like a Pandora's box. Doing something that can open it would do no good.
She sat on one of the benches and stared into nothing as she recalled the conversation she had with her co-workers earlier. Camilla's question lingered in her mind.
"What do you think, Yor? Was it the same for you when you and Loid broke up?"
She bit her lower lip as she recalled how she was when she and Loid broke up. The ironic thing is that...they never really had a proper breakup, unlike Camilla and Dominic who talked and decided that it was better for them to separate.
"We were only holding each other back. His priorities changed. He wanted something more and I couldn't give that to him. We decided it was time to end the relationship", Camilla said when they asked why they broke up. The next thing they knew, Dominic resigned and left the country. Camilla was never the same after that.
Unlike the two, Yor and Loid didn't have that kind of talk. In fact, theirs was messy. Confusing. Yor remembers how broken she was when she realized that Loid was no longer coming home. She was angry, she needed answers, and she wanted answers, but he gave her none of that. One moment they were really okay, but the next day, Loid didn't come home. And then the days turned into weeks, then months, and then one day, she received the divorce papers. Yor knew Loid was staying with Franky, but he was so good at hiding from her that she never had the chance to talk to him. She felt betrayed. Loid told her that he loved her. Then the next he was gone. With no proper explanation. It was pure chaos. Anya kept on crying. She kept on crying. Wondering why would he do something so cruel.
Then she found out the reason...by accident.
It had been a long night. She was already tired from all the fighting. But the fight still wasn't done. There was still one man who remained standing. She was already frustrated. He and the man fought. When she finally knocked him to the ground, she noticed his face was...peeling off.
No, it wasn't his face.
It was a mask.
Fueled by anger, she ripped it using the tip of her weapon and was ready to thrust it into his head when she stopped.
Because when the mask finally ripped off his face, she found herself staring into the familiar cerulean blues she learned to love.
She was staring at her husband.
She couldn't believe it. Loid Forger was a psychiatrist! He was not an enemy. He was not a spy!
That might have been true. Loid Forger wasn't a spy.
Twilight is.
She then realized why he had to leave. Why he had to abandon them. He was compromised. And if he stayed, they would die.
So she left even when Loid, no, Twilight tried to chase her. The next day, she handed Franky the divorce papers she tucked under her bed.
She didn't know what to do after that. She was angry at him. For using her. For using Anya. For making her fall for him. Was she just a tool he used so he could do his mission? Was she just a means to an end for him? Did he even love her?
She didn't even make an effort to ask those questions. Because at that time, what mattered to her was Anya. Loid had abandoned them, but she wasn't going to do the same. And so in the same year, she quit her job in the Garden, much to the Shopkeeper's dismay.
"What a waste of talent, Thorn Princess," she recalled him saying, "All for a child that isn't yours? For a family that wasn't yours to begin with?"
His words stung. While it might have been partially true, that didn't stop Yor from leaving, "Anya is mine. I will give her the life she deserves. And for that to work, I have to leave this job and start anew."
She didn't have time to grieve for what she and Loid lost. Sure, there may have been tears. She did cry herself to sleep a lot. But she pushed back her heartbreak to focus on Anya. Making sure that even with the absence of her Papa, she wouldn't feel alone. Because Mama stayed. Because Mama will stay until the day she dies.
And then three years after, she met another man. He was kind, caring, and sweet, and she didn't expect to grow fond of him. She saw his effort, she saw how he cared for Anya, and for the first time after Loid left, she was happy.
Her friends were supportive. Even Franky, much to her surprise. But Franky knew better than to let Yor hope that Loid would come back. Yor sacrificed her career for Anya, the only job she knows she's good at. And deep down, even if the reality of it hurts, she knows that Loid left to keep them safe.
And so she didn't hesitate to send two wedding invitations. One for Franky and one for her ex-husband.
It felt like the right thing to do.
She told her fiance about Loid. Not everything though. She kept Twilight and Thorn Princess a secret. A secret that she will keep until her last breath. She owed that to Loid who sacrificed his happiness for their safety.
To say that she was surprised when she saw Loid on the day of her wedding was an understatement. While she had hopes that he'd come, she still didn't cling much to it. When her eyes met the familiar cerulean ones, when she walked towards him, when their hands touched again, when she felt his warmth, she knew right then and there, that her love for him never left. It was always there, tucked in the deepest part of her heart.
She tried so hard not to bawl in front of Loid. When he told her that he loved her, she fought the urge to wrap him in her arms and never let go. Their lives are far different now. And she needed to protect the life that she has now. And so, even with a heavy heart, she knew that it was now time to let go of him.
Yor lost track of time. She didn't know how long she sat there and pondered. The heavy feeling didn't leave. It hugged her like a blanket in the middle of a cold night. She knew it was time for her to go home. Back to her daughter and her husband but for some reason, it feels wrong to go home and pretend that everything is fine.
Pretend.
Has she been pretending all this time?
She closed her eyes and shook her head. No. She knows she's now happy.
She is.
She must be.
She needs to be.
For Anya.
Yes, for Anya.
It had been three weeks since Camilla talked to them about what she was feeling. Thankfully, she's now okay. It must've helped that she had friends to talk to about what happened.
It was not the same for Yor, though.
Thankfully for her, it's Summer. Anya is on a summer getaway with Becky and her husband was on a business trip. And so she was left with Bond.
She took the time to figure out what was happening to her. For some reason, Camilla's question became the Pandora's box. Suddenly, she finds herself staring into nothing as she recalls all that happened. Her parents. The war. Yuri. Anya.
And Loid.
Especially Loid.
She found herself crying, sobbing, chest hurting, curling like a ball on the bed that didn't feel like hers, coming to a house that didn't feel like home. Suddenly, everything was too suffocating for her. Suddenly, she couldn't recognize herself in the mirror. She tried to smile, tried mimicking the smile that was on her wedding portrait.
All she could see was a stranger.
For a week, she did nothing but cry. She rummaged through her things and found a velvet box that she had hidden for so long. Inside was the grenade pin that Loid had foolishly given her as an engagement ring. She cradled it into her chest as she cried herself to sleep. She brought the box everywhere. To work, to the park, to the restaurant where she and Loid used to go to...
She was confused. She was so sure that she had already gotten over Loid. But when she found one of their family pictures, where Loid was smiling while holding Anya in his right, and her hand in her left, she didn't know what to do. For a week, all she did was cry and wonder what happened. What changed? Did Camilla's words really pull the trigger?
"Well, that's how grieving works. Some days you won't feel the loss, then the next, it's all you can feel."
Sharon was right. But she hoped she wasn't. But God, she was so right.
A week after draining her tears, Yor once again stood in front of the mirror staring at herself. Her eyes shifted to the wedding portrait on her bedside table, then her eyes drifted to the wedding ring she was wearing.
It suddenly felt wrong. To wear a ring that wasn't from Loid's. A ring that signifies a marriage that isn't with Loid's.
Emptiness, as they say, is when you feel like your life lacks meaning. But Yor Briar-Stevens didn't understand why she felt empty. Her life is great. Her brother is doing well now, far from the kid who was close to starvation if not for his sister who chose to abandon innocence in exchange for food and money. Her daughter, Anya, whom she loves so much, is as happy as she can be, and as a mother, Yor thinks, that her purpose is to ensure her daughter stays happy. Her husband, Lewis Stevens, is kind and caring and he loves her. Yor's life is perfect. She has everything any person would ask for. A stable job, a family, money...
And yet...
As she stared at the grenade pin she was holding, which she kept hidden years after her divorce, she realized, why she felt so empty.
Because Loid isn't with her.
Yor's visit to Franky was a surprise to both of them. Not that Franky didn't like Yor's company. Yor can't blame the guy though. Even she was surprised that her feet had dragged her to his place.
"Yor..." he interjected, "Are you okay? You look..."
She smiled a little, "Like a mess?"
Franky smiled back, "I didn't want to say it...but yeah. Everything goin' alright?"
Yor placed the cup of tea Franky graciously offered to the table. She sighs. And before she knew it, she was already crying in front of her ex-husband's best friend.
"Yor! Hey, I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about it—"
"No," she shakes her head, "I...We need to. I need someone to talk to, Franky. And you're the only one who knows about everything," she said.
Franky's lips parted. After a few seconds, he nodded. Yor breathes deeply.
She opened her mouth and told him everything. The talk with Camila. Her sudden breakdown. Her spiraling downward. Her missing Loid.
Loid.
God, she now realized just how much she missed him.
Misses him.
"I don't know what to do, Franky," she cries, "I should be okay now, right? It's been years. And yet...and yet..."
"And yet, you're not," Franky said sadly. Yor nodded.
She covered her eyes with her palms and sobbed. Franky didn't say anything. Letting her let out her emotions, her pain, her suffering.
He then realized something.
"He's the love of your life."
Yor looked at him.
"Loid," he clarifies, "You still love him, don't you?"
Yor smiled sadly, "I don't think I ever stopped."
Franky nodded.
"What about your...husband?"
Yor winces, "I don't know. He came home yesterday and...I stared at him but I...can't feel anything. I let him hold me...touch me...but it didn't feel right. It didn't feel right because..."
"Because he's not Loid," Franky says, finishing her sentence for her. Yor nodded.
"I think...I think I made a mistake in marrying him," she said, "I wanted so badly to give Anya the life she deserves. I wanted so badly to give Anya a family."
Franky's eyes softened, "She already has one, Yor. She has you."
Yor nodded because Franky was right.
"God, how can I be so stupid?"
"You're not, Yor," he assured, "You're a great person. And a great mother. How many people can sacrifice their happiness just so they can give their daughter one? Stop hating yourself for this."
"But because of my decision, I'm hurting Lewis. And...I hurt Loid."
Franky doesn't answer for a few seconds. Yor waited.
"I think," he says, "It's time for you to stop thinking about other people's happiness for a moment, Yor. Start thinking about yours."
She stopped. Letting Franky's words sink in.
Franky grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote something in it. After a few seconds, he handed it to her. In it was a phone number and an address.
"What is..."
"You know what that is," he said and smiled. He scooted closer and gave her hand a squeeze which brought warmth in her heart.
"Follow your heart, Yor. It's about time you do."
A year passed since that talk with Franky.
Things changed now. She, Bond, and Anya moved to a different home. Her ring finger was bare and she was no longer staring at a stranger in front of a mirror. Lewis moved to a different city. Like Camilla and Dominic, they talked, it was a long night, and she expected him to be mad at her. But he didn't. He smiled. Told her he understood. That he was happy that she was honest. A week after, she received another set of divorce papers, only now, she didn't hesitate to sign it. Anya was happy for her Mama. Not that she didn't like Lewis. But all she ever wanted was for her Mama to be happy. Because if there's one person on Earth who deserves to be happy, it's her Mama.
Yor's hold on the paper Franky had given her a year ago tightened. She took a deep breath. With shaky hands, she knocked on the door.
It opened and once again, her eyes met the familiar cerulean ones, the ones she loved the most to look at.
In front of her was the man she loved.
The man she only loved.
The man she still loves.
She smiled.
Then suddenly, she wasn't grieving for the love she lost anymore.