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Why doesn’t Dazai love Christmas?
That’s the question we’ve all been asking ourselves.
It’s completely in character for him to love the holiday.
Tons of gifts, flashy lights, cute decor, ample opportunity for outlandish pranks. All of it is perfect for his friend, right?
So why…?
“No.”
“But Dazai-“ His protest was cut off by Dazai’s somewhat harsh shove to the side, brushing past him. Potentially the most genuine display of frustration he’s gotten from Dazai in a while.
“I don’t celebrate Christmas, Chibi. Leave it alone.” Chuuya scoffed at the comment, rolling his eyes. He didn’t want to accept it. He would never admit it, but he had been looking forward to spending the holidays with Dazai. Only a little bit. Since they started dating he thought he could do something a little special, maybe. Way for Dazai to ruin it by being moody.
Chuuya did consider leaving it alone, for a moment, but ultimately he was not a very considerate person. He doesn’t quite enjoy Dazai’s attitude right now. Naturally. It’s not the usual push and pull he gets from his boyfriend.
He was tempted to give Dazai a taste of his own medicine by shoving him, too, but resisted the urge and followed behind him. There was only one thing he wanted today, and that was to have fun, which has been less and less often as of late. (He wondered if there was a reason he wasn’t seeing).
“I want to see the tree lighting. I’ll even get you something sweet if we go down there. Kay?” Chuuya tried, hoping the bribe would do the trick.
“I don’t like Christmas. Is your brain so slow you can’t even understand that much?” Dazai hissed bitterly, stuffing his hands into his pant pockets as he walked out of the office. The mafia may not be the most kind and welcoming place of work, they still somehow had the decency to let off for Christmas eve.
(Even though Dazai, which was absolutely unpredicted, had shown up anyhow).
Chuuya bit his lip to hide his annoyance, but gave a huff as his partner got his moodiness out. He clenched and unclenched his fists, still debating if he should make him pay with a shove back. That was when he saw the mistletoe.
It was definitely fake, the berries were way too glossy and the leaves looked all wrong, but he can’t help but thank whoever stuck that thing up there, whether prank or not. (probably that Tachihara guy, from what Chuuya knows of him).
Nonetheless, he couldn’t hide mischievous smile as he got closer, getting his boyfriend into perfect mistletoe distance.
“You don’t have to like it to enjoy the festivities. You should just stop being a brat.”
“Blah blah, stop talking about it. For the love of-“ Dazai’s complaint was cut short when Chuuya shoved him forward, causing to stumble and trip over his feet awkwardly in the doorway.
Chuuya laughed to himself, not at all bothered by Dazai’s little yelp. He was quick to wrap his arms around his partner to stop the latter from falling to the ground and getting hurt (not that Dazai couldn’t break his own fall, but whatever)
Then, he got his bitchy boyfriend right under the mistletoe before grabbing his chin, pulling their lips together, and kissing him for a few seconds before Dazai broke away with a light push.
“Yuck.” Dazai stuck his tongue out with a disgusted look, a bit playfully, but with just as much of a miserable undertone as the rest of that day’s expressions.
Chuuya gave his grump of a boyfriend a squeeze before giving a small kiss to the cheek for good measure.
"You better stop being the grinch before I drag you to get some Christmas spirit. Maybe I'll even force you to wear a cheesy Christmas sweater." He threatened, pressing his finger to Dazai’s chest to make his point.
“Chuuyyyaa.. I don’t get why you can’t just drop it. I don’t like Christmas and you’re being mean.” Dazai pouted, pressing a palm to Chuuya’s forehead and pushing him back lightly, frowning.
“Not happening. There’s no way I can drop it when you’re acting so unhappy. It’s supposed to be fun.” Chuuya grabbed him by the arm, pulling him outside into the cold winter air. Christmas was way bigger in the west, but Chuuya has always enjoyed the idea.
Since he hadn’t exactly had family to celebrate with in the past, this would be his first time actually getting the chance to indulge himself. Even with the sheep for the year he had Christmas with them, it wasn’t the same. Not like the media shows it, at least.
And Chuuya fully intends to go all out. The goal is a Hallmark movie sort of Christmas. (Despite the fact that Chuuya has only had the pleasure of seeing two of them).
It took Chuuya’s best effort to drag a whiny and uncooperative Dazai down to this marketplace to go shopping. He barely managed to get him into the car, much less out of it — Dazai’s grip on the seat was actually rather impressive.
It was only around one or two when they made it to the center plaza where some festivities were going on, which meant Chuuya had to keep him out here another five hours until the lighting celebration.
In the meantime, the goal was to go shopping. Which also meant he had to get Dazai to move his feet if he didn’t want to drag him around all day.
He really had his work cut out for him.
“Hey, why don’t you look for a present for your friends? The uh professor glasses and Odasasku or whatever.” This was, admittedly, Chuuya’s last hope.
He’s praying to the gods he doesn’t believe in that Dazai’s will take the bait.
There was a bit of silence on Dazai’s end before…
“Do you think Odasaku wants a gift?” Dazai asked, finally perking up and engaging in some sort of conversation.
Got ‘em.
“I mean, he’s your friend, right? So like, he’d probably be disappointed if you didn’t get him anything. I bet he got you something.” Chuuya crossed his arms, confident enough to finally let go of Dazai’s wrist. Frankly, he’s never been this pushy about stuff like this before, but he couldn’t help it. The fantasies, they’re too powerful.
“Oh.. I guess Odasaku probably would be sad if he got nothing in return,” Dazai considered, glancing at the ground before looking back at Chuuya with a pout.
He had given up.
This was absolutely great.
Chuuya managed to shove down the satisfied grin, shockingly, if only to make sure Dazai doesn’t get too stubborn and prideful. He wouldn’t want to give up the chance he had gotten.
“Then, since you know him best, you can lead the way,” Chuuya waved his hand towards the plenty of stores around, packed full with people doing incredibly last minute Christmas shopping.
That alone was how the two ended up wandering around almost every store and stand available because Dazai’s gifts just had to be perfect.
By the time the tree lighting came around, Chuuya had a few bags of items he had gotten for himself as well as gifts for friends of all sorts. Dazai, though, had only bought three things in total. Chuuya figured two of them must be for that Odasaku guy, and Dazai already told him all about the camera attachments he got for the Ango one.
All in all, an absolutely great time, if you ask Chuuya.
He got a hold of Dazai’s hand to pull him somewhere less crowded so they could watch them turn on all the lights, sitting down at an empty bench.
“I really don’t like Christmas.” Dazai muttered, leaning against Chuuya’s shoulder as they waited for the clock to hit six.
“You’ve said.” Chuuya hummed, tapping his finger against the wood. “Why?”
Dazai didn’t answer, but he didn’t need to. Chuuya could see the huge tree from here, and he was immediately mesmerized by the way the lights turned on in a swirling pattern from the bottom to the top, which then led to the lights strung from buildings and smaller trees to flash and brighten.
Even though the event was hyped up and all, he hadn’t expected the display to be so perfect. It was his first time here for Christmas, after all.
He hopes that he can take Dazai here next year, and all the years to follow, maybe.
…
The ring twisted back and forth between his fingers, spinning around as it was used as a fidget. The air was cold, colder than he remembers. Either that, or, his tolerance to the cold has dropped significantly. It would make sense for that to be so. Oftentimes he spends wrapped in blankets and thick coats.
Unlike back in his mafia days. Scratchy blankets and near frozen metal. He sort of had to be used to the cold, whether he liked it or not. (Yet he got sick just as easily. Cruel, cruel world. It’s like the drug and poison resistances meant nothing).
The cold is just.. not his thing. Never has been, never will be.
In spite of it all, he waits anyway.
The ring warms with the minimal body temperature he can provide it, a good distraction. It’s been four years. Who was he to think that his partner would come anyway? He was the one who left.
Hope was a foreign thing to Dazai. It’s tingly, like his numb fingers or occasional twitches and shivers. He’s not used to the feeling.
He stares at the bench to escape his mind. Further away from the middle of the shopping center. It had its own little tree, branches curved in a way that leaned over the seat.
He remembers this spot very well.
The thing about this was, he didn’t tell Chuuya of his intentions. Chuuya doesn’t even know , but Dazai decided to wait anyway. Chuuya showed up last year. Dazai saw. From a distance, at least. He didn’t deserve to spend the holiday with him.
But Chuuya is a sucker for tradition. He came every year since they went that first time. Even after Dazai left. He wondered, offhandedly, if that was painful.
Dazai thinks he’s better now. Not entirely, not deserving of Chuuya, but better. He still can’t commit, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop running away, but he’s a little bit better. Working on himself.
This year, he didn’t buy Ango a present. Nor did he buy Odasaku a present (unless you count the flowers he set by the stone), but he doesn’t think they’ll mind.
He got Chuuya a present. Or, well, he’s finally giving Chuuya the present he got all those years ago. Six years ago. At the time, he had meant to give it to Chuuya, but he couldn’t. Something prevented him from giving the thing. So, naturally, he didn't.
Even if on paper they were legally bound together for life, it never felt right. Really, they shouldn’t have committed to something like marriage so irrationally, but as young dumb eighteen year olds, they never thought too hard about it.
Chuuya probably doesn’t consider them actually married anymore, despite them never filing for separation. (Not that Chuuya could if he wanted to, since his ex-partner was completely off the grid). And shame on Dazai for thinking there might still be some meaning to that useless thing.
The sound of soft snow crunching beneath heavy feet drew Dazai’s attention upwards, gaze meeting narrowed heterochromic eyes that stared back, furrowed brows scrunching his face awkwardly.
“The hell are you doing here?” Chuuya’s grating voice asked. He took a seat next to Dazai. There were no punches thrown or blades sent flying. Chuuya’s a whole lot nicer on the holidays.
Dazai’s silence was answer enough. Chuuya pulled his legs up onto the bench to cross them, leaning against the back.
“You don’t like Christmas.” He stated, watching the snow fall, landing on the thin wires of lights and white building tops. This was the first white Christmas they would have in a while.
“No, I don’t.” Dazai offered a smile, one that Chuuya caught a glimpse of in his peripherals. It’s rare that the two share moments like these. Whether instead they go through their back and forth bickering or going against each other in video games, it’s never this quiet.
Neither of them liked change, but right now, that didn’t seem to matter.
“So, what, came here to see the lights?” Chuuya finally turned his head again, looking directly at the one who’s caused half of his life problems (and somehow not minding that so much).
“No, just you.”
Chuuya laughed, skin wrinkled with the way his eyes squinted through the laughter and his cheeks pushed far up with the smile. The cold made Dazai’s face flush red, his ears being the worst of it. (Just the cold).
“Whatever. Merry Christmas, dumbass.” Chuuya punched his arm with a balled up fist, only strong enough to make Dazai’s body sway with the slight push.
Chuuya’s eyes drifted back towards the big tree, inwardly counting down the seconds until the clock hit six.
Dazai reached into his pocket while Chuuya was distracted, pulling out the old ring. They were never materialistic when it came to these sorts of things, but when Dazai saw these, he knew he wanted them. They’re probably not in style anymore, but he doesn’t really care. Chuuya isn’t the type to want something big, anyway.
He had gotten the bands when Chuuya was in the bathroom. He didn’t buy a box, just two rings and a chain. Dazai doesn’t like the way rings feel on his fingers.
A simplistic gold ring, with only the engraving on the inside. The date when he bought it, and their names. It wasn’t much. It didn’t mean anything. He got Chuuya’s ring resized just the other day. Frankly, he doesn’t even expect Chuuya to wear it. Or like it. But something about keeping it to himself felt wrong.
The lights started flickering on when Dazai’s hand inched over to Chuuya’s enough for them to touch. The timing was strangely perfect, though it was only an accident.
His hand slid under Chuuya’s, gently flipping it so the palm was facing up.
Dazai wanted to run.
Chuuya could feel the cold metal against his hand when it was finally settled there. Cold fingers folded warm ones over, but not once did Chuuya look away from the display of colors in the beautiful pattern they were set out to be. Only when Dazai’s hand slipped away did he open his closed fist to look.
Dazai was blankly staring at the brightly lit tree with eyes that never blinked when Chuuya glanced over his shoulder.
It was a ring. It didn’t look like it cost a lot — not that that really mattered, but he could tell it was adjusted rather recently. (Blame that on his days handling so much jewelry he started to become allergic to metal).
The inside, though, was where it really hit Chuuya. The faux gold was engraved beautifully with both of their names, and most importantly, the date was written besides it. Christmas day, which made sense considering the time it was now,
But,
It was from six years ago. He had thought Dazai didn’t get him a gift that year because of some bullshit reason like ‘my presence with you is a gift in it of itself’, but god fucking damn.
Once again, Dazai exceeds his expectations. Rather than the usual disappointment, there was something so profoundly satisfying about knowing he wasn’t forgotten back then.
It was so intense that he wanted to cry. And Chuuya wasn’t a crier.
He slid the ring on to his finger, the fit so perfect that he can’t help but wonder how Dazai got his size, and leaned over to rest his head on his (ex?)-partner. Dazai who was still there, who hadn’t left this time.
Dazai who, he hopes, doesn’t intend to leave again. (Gods, when did he get so sappy?)
“I hate you.” He muttered with a smile and humiliating tears streaming down his cheeks. “You’re seriously the worst.”
Dazai laughed, tilting his head so it rested on Chuuya’s, their bodies fitting together like a puzzle, even if half the pieces were missing or broken.
“I know,” Dazai reached to fiddle with something around his neck, something Chuuya couldn’t see but was smart enough to guess. “I love you too, Chibi.”
“ In love?” Chuuya asked, just like when once upon a time, Dazai told him they meant different things. He grabbed Dazai’s free hand and squeezed it tight. They could go back to their typical routine tomorrow. For now, Chuuya wanted to enjoy this moment beneath the colors and snowflakes all around.
“Yes, Chuuya, I’m in love.”