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Sat in this empty but crowded living room, he watched as the tense atmosphere radiated from one person to the next.
Cold, this house was cold.
There was no Christmas tree this year, no kids, no laughing.
No Sirius.
The weight of a normal Christmas seemed to hang heavy on them, the events of this year leading to outbursts at one another.
Stuck in this house with gifts he felt no connection to, a symbol of who he was supposed to be, what he was supposed to like.
He was stuck in this house, playing his role, watching, scared that he would be the next to have his parents' anger taken out on him.
It was late afternoon now, and he was looking into the kitchen to see people scattering around to ensure dinner was ready.
He was also wearing some god-awful formal wear, horribly uncomfortable and definitely not suitable for the weather; he could feel the cold seeping in through his fingertips.
And as Regulus sat on that chair in the far back of the room, he just felt and knew that no one here truly, truly cared for him. They didn't even see him.
His family too caught up in conversations, or in their own mind, and family friends who couldn't care less.
He thought to his friends, some of whom he knew were lucky enough to spend their holidays with loving families; he thought to Barty and Evan, who had somehow managed to spend Christmas together at school this year.
And he thought to Sirius, who he knew was spending Christmas at the Potter’s. He could not help but imagine how warm it must be; he knew how lovely James's parents were.
He imagined the food, hand-cooked meals, the people, and as much as he loathed Sirius, he missed him. He thought the world of him.
"Regulus!" His mother snapped, "What are you daydreaming? Get up here."
His mother stood stiff before him, hands crossed, glaring down at him.
"Sorry Mother," Regulus replied, quickly standing from his seat to look at the dinner table, sitting around twenty or more people.
He felt so hurt, and this was nothing that hadn't happened a thousand times before, not even close to the worst, but he could already feel that sting in the back of his throat, that burn behind his eyes.
"I'll be one moment," Regulus said softly before walking to what looked like the bathroom.
As he walked through the hallway, he could hear the start of a snide remark from his mother.
He didn't want to be here; he couldn't; maybe just this once, he would give in to what he wanted.
Quietly, he slips out the backdoor, knowing he's safe for at least the day, for he knows even once his parents realize he's left, they won't come for him; they couldn't risk their status in front of others.
Regulus wasn't dressed for the cold, the wind boring itself into him, cold soaking into his shoes. He looked to the sky. It was grey and uninviting. The wind brought leaves flying through the air in front of him.
Although free for the night, he was left with nothing. It didn't matter to Regulus what was the point of being back in there if he was just as alone in these barren streets? At least the birds welcomed him here.
So he just walked uncaring for one of the first times in his life. He finally let his tears run as he let his head wander, just feeling everything.
But though he welcomed the feelings, nothing ever came good from letting his head wander, and with nothing to distract him out here, it screamed at him.
By god, he hated himself; he actually thought it was crazy; he couldn't do anything, anything, without his brain just tearing him to pieces even now. He couldn't even enjoy the moment he would most likely never get again.
But why did this have to be the time he ran? Why now? Nothing even happened, so he's obviously just being dramatic.
Why not all the times he had actually gotten hurt? Maybe then it would have felt justified. He's leaving now just because he got a little lonely, a little sad? God, he was pathetic.
He has had so much worse thrown at him, but no one would ever know. No one would even care if he went to them.
"Hey, mate!" A man's voice yelled.
Regulus snapped his head up to be met with a car right ahead of him.
"You all good, you need a ride?" The man asked, poking his head through the window.
"Ah, I’m fine." He clears his throat. "Uh sorry, I don't have any cash."
"Well, if you wanted, since you seem to be heading this way, I could drop you as close to your destination as I can." The man smiles friendly.
"You would do that?"
"Sure, why not? Ay, it is Christmas, after all." He laughs and turns back to sit before shouting, "Jump in."
Although confused, Regulus quickly makes his way into the warm of the car. Although friendly, the man was reasonably quiet, so he settled in for the ride.
Even though he is unsure if anyone would see him, let alone help him, he allows himself to be guided to the one place he never thought he would step foot near again.
After some time, Regulus spots the familiar town and quickly lets the man know.
"Hey you can stop here, thank you so much,"
Pulling off to the side of the road, the man turns in his seat, looking him in the eyes.
"You get home safe yeah?"
"I will, thank you," Regulus says, rather put together despite the shock and horror that had just pulsed through him.
Walking back into the cold was refreshing; it was less cloudy here, and the moon shone brightly.
You could just barely see the sun, the last of it disappearing behind the mountains.
He honestly couldn't believe he made it here. Though he wasn't as delusional to believe he would be able to stay, just for today, he thought.
He still had around fifteen minutes left to walk, his legs aching and his body beginning to shiver.
It made him feel like a little kid again, chasing after his brother, any comfort he could find. These days, it seemed to be the opposite, his brother trying to chase and track him down.
They weren't on the best of terms right now, having gotten into a fight about this exact reason. He had told his brother to leave him alone and having him actually do it, they haven't spoken in around six or seven months.
Now, this all just seemed stupid, tracking down Sirius now, but he could forget about it just for today.
Time passes, and he finally meets with the sight of the potter's house.
Thinking back to how he imagined this going, he thought he would be filled with anxious energy, but instead, he was completely apathetic.
Standing outside, it was loud. He could hear laughter and screaming, just as he had imagined.
Regulus knocks on the door. Staring down at his feet, he hears the noise quiet down before starting to back up.
When he looks up, he meets eyes with James, who had ripped the door open, a smile spread right across his face, before looking down at him, completely shocked.
"Regulus?" Jame whispers, eyes dancing frantically all over him before grabbing him by the hand.
"Oh my god, you are freezing get inside." James pulls him through the door, and he almost trips up from the force. Stunned, they both look at each other.
"What are you even doing," James interrupts himself with urgency. "Are you hurt?"
Regulus just looks into James' eyes at how panicked he looks, and he is met with relief. It seems cruel; he doesn't want to see James like this, but he can't help but feel safe.
"No, I'm not hurt," Regulus gently says.
He watches as James's features soften before looking over his shoulder.
The house is covered in Christmas decorations, lights glistening, it's warm, and he can spot the fire burning in the corner.
He smells some kind of hot dessert and, looking to his left, meets eyes with the kitchen.
He watches as Euphemia, James's mother, places down some treats she had just collected from the oven before she turns to him.
"Are you alright dear?" She smiles sweetly before beckoning him over. He turns towards her, stepping once forward before stopping.
"I'm really sorry I turned up here unannounced, I promise it won't happen again," Regulus says stone-cold, looking right past her, unable to meet such kind eyes.
"Oh none of that." She huffs out a breath, beating a tea towel against the counter. "You are always welcome here." She says seriously, looking him in the eyes. "Alright?"
"Alright," He repeats back.
This kindness was truly starting to get overwhelming, Regulus thought before Euphemia snapped him out of it, coming right up in front of him and handing him some crumbly sort of desert.
"I do hope you're alright, now I'll leave you all alone now." She gestures vaguely towards him and James and a door further ahead of him. Before he even had time to thank her, she'd gone walking up the stairs.
Forgetting about James, he slowly walks towards the door, the sound of talking getting louder.
He gently pushes the door open, it creaking loudly on its way.
Regulus takes in the scene.
The rest of the marauders are gathered around a coffee table, enthralled in some sort of board game, a Christmas tree glowing in the corner. Remus was the first to look up at him, surprise washing over his features.
"Took you long enough, did the food run away from ya?" Sirius says sarcastically, laughing, before finally looking up towards the door.
Finally, they meet eyes, and for the first time in what feels like years, they truly look at each other. He watches as Sirius looks over him, checking for any visible damage.
Regulus feels small. God, at this point, he must look downright pitiful. Sirius's eyes meet his again; the room is so quiet, and he just can't handle it.
A sob comes wracking its way through his body; trying his best, he lets only a shakey breath out, his eyes glistening with tears, his view of Sirius clouded.
"Oh Reggie, what did they do to you?" Sirius says so softly, with a voice so full of despair.
And that's what gets him because, of course, Sirius would know; he's the only one who could possibly know.
Regulus puts a hand to his mouth in a desperate attempt to not break down here in front of everyone.
While tears begin to run down Reugulus's face, he watches as Siruis's eyes begin to fill, and he's got that look, that awful knowing look on his face.
Around them, he vaguely notices Remus standing and beginning to usher everyone out of the room.
With a click from the door closing behind them, he moves closer towards Sisiurs, still sitting on the couch.
Regulus takes one last look at Sirius before sliding down to the floor, back to the couch and knees to his chest.
In the following moments of silence, Regulus listens to the quiet music humming in the background and watches the candlelight make patterns in the corner wall, his face still wet and his chest still tight from his ongoing panic.
Sirius breaks the silence.
"Did they hurt you?" His voice came out low, on the edge of breaking.
"They didn't even touch me," Regulus whispers, words barely escaping.
With that, Sirius's hand came down to comfort him, playing with his hair, tracing shapes into his neck.
Regulus leans his head into Sirius's thigh, resting his head, and for the second time that day, he breaks. His face screws up, and as his tears begin to run freely once more, he sobs and lets his pained noises escape him.
He could feel the curse his mother had used on him days prior throbbing, and in his head, everything was just so overwhelming, so he let it flow out to the open.
"I don't want to be like them. I don't want to look like them," Regulus gasped.
And there was so much more to this than that, how that was all he was doomed to become; Sirius had managed to escape it, but could he?
"You look like me," Sirius voiced meekly, trying to bring light to the conversation.
Regulus all but scoffs, but his vague amusement is all but overtaken once again.
Movement from the couch draws his head up from where it rests as he watches as his brother slides down to his level. Sirius takes his hands into his, eyes serious, looking at Regulus like he's on a mission.
"Reg, you won't be like them." Sirius's eyes bore into his own.
"And you've said before I'm too much like our parents for my own good." Regulus says with a bite of anger, now looking past him.
"Shit, listen, I'm sorry I've gotten so angry at you and snapped at you, and I know I have seen you act like them." Sirius takes a deep breath before continuing.
"But Reggie, you know what? I haven't seen them act like you, for one second, not one moment; they couldn't be anything further from you, reg."
"And god, that is so, so important," Sirius says, pleading, ever so earnestly.
He drags Regulus in right up against him. He holds him, trying his best to comfort him even as he is so obviously in need of comfort himself, hands shaking against Regulus.
"You are different, you are going to be okay." Sirius whispers to him.
Regulus knows from the way he says it Sirius wholeheartedly believes in even just for this moment, and that hurts. He doesn't know if he will be okay because nobody knows, not even himself.
So he just cried, cried into his brother's neck, let himself be held because he wasn't brave, brave enough to change to be different.
And Sirius was so brave. He was doing everything he could never do because even though Regulus had this burning desire to live, to do everything he had ever resisted and given up on, the truth was he was just incapable.
He would go back to that house, to his parents, do what he had to do, what he knew he could.
And he would have to live with that for the rest of his time, dreams and life forever unfulfilled.
But maybe for today, he could trick himself into believing that wouldn't be his end.