Work Text:
In Hao’s opinion, life is enjoyable.
Sure, living can be boring and draining or tough and gruelling at times, but there was nothing that could cause him great anger. He lived a simple life and enjoyed the appeal of his simple, ordinary, and comforting lifestyle.
He might even say he found it charming.
That would be before he downloaded Spotify, though.
See, Hao considers himself a compassionate and understanding individual. That would be before he was forced to listen to the same voice of some random guy whispering in his ear, “Want a break from the ads?”
The interruptions by themselves wouldn’t have made Hao so wound up. See, he could understand a company being greedy or whatever, but there was just no way he could keep accepting this behaviour.
“Listen to this ad for 30 minutes of uninterrupted listening,” yet he could swear he’s heard it multiple times in the last hour?
And honestly, even then, Hao could probably do his best to try and tolerate whatever these greedy corporate actions were. Then we get to the pressing issue, and why Hao is so incredibly fed up.
The voice for the ad would whisper . Yep, that’s right, complete boyfriend ASMR-style whispering (don’t ask how he knows what boyfriend ASMR sounds like). There’s zero reason for Hao to be drinking his cola on an average Tuesday jamming to his tunes and having to listen to some guy whisper in his ear.
Ricky looks at Hao oddly when he finishes his rant. “Hao, are you complaining and whining because you’re oddly attracted to the voice who interrupts your Spotify playlist jamming every ten minutes or so?” he snorts. A handful of strawberries is thrown in Ricky’s direction, who masterfully dodges them all. “Hey! Stop wasting food just because I’m pointing out how you’re thirsting over the voice actor for a Spotify ad.”
“I'm not thirsting over some voice!” Hao shrieks, hurling another strawberry. Prepared this time, Ricky catches it in his mouth. “How could I? It’s literally so annoying, I hate that voice so much, I wish it wouldn’t interrupt my IVE Fridays.”
“Just get premium,” Ricky replies, completely unphased. “It’s only like… seventy bucks per month.”
“Ricky there is no way I’m going to pay seventy dollars a month for an audio streaming service,” Hao groans. “When it was, like, nine dollars, maybe. Not when it’s seventy a month!”
“Well, then you can get the yearly offer,” Ricky says.
“And how much is that?”
“Um, it said five percent off?”
“There’s no way,” Hao mumbles, horrified. “Who in their right mind would spend that much just to avoid listening to a few ads? It’s not even that bad, his voice is kind of enjoyable in a way.”
“Go on?”
“It’s just, like, I don’t know, really, really, really, annoying!”
“Mhm?”
“Because it’s honestly a great voice. Like, why can’t you post boyfriend ASMR videos instead of whispering into my ear when I’m jamming to NMIXX? Like, come on.”
“You watch boyfriend ASMR videos?”
This time, an entire two handfuls of strawberries hits an unfortunate Ricky.
Since he was not into boyfriend ASMR videos and did not like this Spotify ad guy’s voice whatsoever, (don’t listen to Ricky, he’s a liar) Hao chooses to follow through with some completely normal and not weird course of actions.
First, he reports every ad he hears voiced by the not-boyfriend ASMR voice guy. Not once, not twice, but three hundred times. Each time he gets the ad. So, since he’s heard an ad from the same damn guy eight times in the last hour, he’s already reported it two thousand four hundred times.
When that doesn’t clear the issue after the seventh hour (yes, he was continuously reporting it for seven hours straight. around sixteen thousand eight hundred times.), he decides to hit up customer support.
Spotify Customer Support: Hi there, valued friend!
Spotify Customer Support: My name is Jiwoong and today I’ll be doing my best to help you out.
Spotify Customer Support: What brings you here?
haohao: bro
haohao: can u chill on the gramar
haohao: its kinda killing the vibe btwn us
Spotify Customer Support: what
Spotify Customer Support: bro im working
haohao: ok…?? well u clearly were ok replying normally
haohao: well at least ik u ra real peson nad not an arctic
haohao: artifishal
haohao: artisihcial
haohao: articxlie
Spotify Customer Support: do u perhaps mean
Spotify Customer Support: artificial intelligence
haohao: yes
haohao: that
Spotify Customer Support: ok so what did u want 2 ask m
haohao: ok now ur overdoing it
Spotify Customer Support: bro let me live 😭
Spotify Customer Support: what have i done to u
haohao: work for spotify
haohao: cuz like which absolute madperson
haohao: masde premium SEVENTY dollars
haohao: like
haohao: wtf
Spotify Customer Support: oh
Spotify Customer Support: well um
Spotify Customer Support: me
haohao: WHAT
haohao: jiwoong
haohao: i HATE u
Spotify Customer Support: BRO
Spotify Customer Support: I WAS JOKING
Spotify Customer Support: i am literally working for customer support
Spotify Customer Support: what makes u think i can influence high decisions
haohao: o wait ur right
haohao: nvm!
haohao: jiwoong i love you
Spotify Customer Support: …
Spotify Customer Support: wow
Spotify Customer Support: damn
Spotify Customer Support: i really needed that today
Spotify Customer Support: 😢
Spotify Customer Support: thanks
haohao: whats ur wechat bae 😍
Spotify Customer Support: are you a foreign exchange student
haohao: die
Spotify Customer Support: WTF
haohao: wait before u go
haohao: do u know the guy who voices the ugly stupid dumbass ads
haohao: the one who sounds like he does boyfriend asmr
Spotify Customer Support: why do u know what boyfriend asmr sounds like
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for derogatory language
Spotify Customer Support: OK WAIT CHILL
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for hateful language
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for discriminatory language
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for a bad attitude
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for hateful misconduct
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for rude behaviour
Spotify Customer Support: I NEED THIS JOB
Spotify Customer Support: I HAVE A DATE THIS WEEK
haohao: how muhc do u gte paid
Spotify Customer Support: $2 an hour
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for child neglect
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for not paying child support
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for inappropriate discussions about personal lives
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for “being invasive”
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for being homophobic
Spotify Customer Support: IM GOING ON A DATE WITH A MAN
haohao: WHY DID U SAY THAT SOONER??????
haohao: if u told me earlier u were a fellow man enjoyer i wouldnt have reported u that many times
Spotify Customer Support: what does that even mean
Spotify Customer Support: man enjoyer???
Spotify Customer Support: sounds like ur just bitter i have a date
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for being too personal
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for academic misconduct
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for stepping on his toe
haohao has reported agent #19887448102 for being a scammer
Spotify Customer Support: STOP
Spotify Customer Support: WHAT IS WROGN WUTH U
Spotify Customer Support: HOW CNA U EVEN REPORT ME FOR BEING A SCAMMER
Spotify Customer Support: HOW CAN I STEP ON UR TOE
haohao: goodbye loser 💪
haohao: hope ur date DUMPS you
Spotify Customer Support: WHAT IS WRONG WIHT YOU
Spotify Customer Support: taerae would never btw
haohao: WAIT UR TAETAES DATE>!>!???!?!
haohao: why didnt u tell me sooner
haohao: ur like
haohao: in my top 10 fav ppl now!
haohao: even if u took taetae to see an electricity tower because you couldnt afford to fly to paris and see the eiffel tower
Spotify Customer Support: can we not talk abt that
Spotify Customer Support: that was like… the lowest ive ever been
haohao: what abt when you took taetae to a cat cafe when ur both allergic
Spotify Customer Support: die 🩷
haohao: im telling taetae
Spotify Customer Support: ?!?!?
Plan A goes horribly because Hao runs into the most useless customer service person ever (false, Hao becomes quite close to Jiwoong after and even endures being the third wheel for Taerae’s sake. Hao likes both Taerae and Jiwoong). So then, he takes to Naver, because that’s what normal people do.
Hao gives up after his various searches don’t work.
(Which include, but at not limited to:
Who is the guy behind the stupid Spotify ads that sound like he owns a boyfriend ASMR channel?
Who the guy behind ASMR Spotify ads that sounds like he belongs in an anime?
The dumb voice behind ad.
Annoying voice behind annoying ad.
Voice actor with boyfriend ASMR-esque voice.
Give me guy behind Spotify ad who sounds like he belongs to me???)
“What are you doing?”
The person (Gyuvin, tragically) is pushed onto the floor by a shocked Hao, who screams in surprise while simultaneously managing to topple Gyuvin over.
“Haohao!” Gyuvin cries, laying spread eagle over the floor. “That’s so mean.
”“Sorry, Gyubinnie,” Hao giggles, helping Gyuvin up. “You scared me, that’s all. Oh, I was just, um, not stalking!”
“Very convincing. I believe you wholeheartedly.”
“Thank you, Gyubinnie,” Hao beams. Gyuvin giggles and settles down beside Hao, glancing at Hao’s latest searches.
“Jeez, hyung, you seem to be really into this,” Gyuvin notes. (Hao had over twenty tabs open, which said a lot about his dedication (read: obsession) with the Spotify ad guy.)
“Yeah, well, I can’t track him down,” Hao grumbles. Gyuvin tilts his head, considering Hao for a moment.
“You know, now that you mention it, I do think the guy behind the Spotify ad sounds a little familiar. Sort of like this one YouTuber I watch,” Gyuvin ponders. “He does, like, boyfriend ASMR, though, so I don’t know if it makes sense.”
“So why do you follow a creator who posts boyfriend ASMR?”
Hao gets the name out of Gyuvin within the next hour.
When Gyuvin said boyfriend ASMR, he expected, like, some videos and whatnot. He opens the page up to seventeen thousand videos, many of which are well over eight minutes. Hao’s first thought is “How in the world?” and his second is “Why do they all have over twenty million views each???”
Doesn’t matter, though, so Hao just clicks on a random video (for RESEARCH purposes, obviously. He needed to check if it was the right person before he began his master plan.)
Needless to say, Hao doesn’t get anything productive done for the next few hours or so.
binbin 🐹 @shannie · 2m
new vid out 🤭
www.you/tube.com/28jUYUeu829
h. 🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
HATE this guy
h. 🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
i hate him so much
h. 🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
is he even real
h.🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
im srs gonna die
🐇 🔒@h.yujin.07 · 10s
hyung r u ok
h.🔒@sunnyskies · 1s
NO
haohao @fuhao · 20m
reasons why sung hanbin needs to get deplatformed (1/?)
haohao @fuhao · 20m
1. i HATE his voice!!!!
haohao @fuhao · 20m
can he not
haohao @fuhao · 20m
i hear him everyday
haohao @fuhao · 20m
WHO signs a deal with spotify to become the voice of their ads LIKE
haohao @fuhao · 20m
2. he NEVER replies to fan comments. u guys should all leave him
haohao @fuhao · 20m
why does he have such a big following
haohao @fuhao · 20m
stop watching his videos
haohao @fuhao · 20m
everyone stop
haohao @fuhao · 20m
end 🧵
yurio @shanbinie · 15m
op i hope u know ur the funniest person i know
sora 🌃 @soraing · 10m
THIS THREAD!!!! non hanbin fans just know he SUCKS never click on his videos!!!!!!
iris 🪷 @iridescence · 11m
girl i so get u!!! im tired of ppl giving him attention get OFF his videos!!! ://////
h.🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
they did NOT gte the point of that thread
h.🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
i am being a
h.🔒@sunnyskies · 2m
SPOTIFY HATER
wookie 🧸 🔒@gwookies · 2m
its ok hyung we understand u 🫶
lik 🍓 🔒@lovliky · 2m
no, no we dont
binbin 🐹 @shannie · 57m
addressing the allegations…
www.you/tube.com/ge28GE929ufdhuUuend
bin central 🐹 @binbincentral · 49m
when i say this scared the shit out of me 😭
haohao @fuhao · 57m
I TOLD U GUYS!!!
haohao @fuhao · 57m
stay AWAY from this man
haohao @fuhao · 57m
spotify solicitor
haohao @fuhao · 57m
admiral adsense
haohao @fuhao · 57m
corporate coddler
haohao @fuhao · 57m
boyfriend-voice boycotter (me, and should be u too)
binbin 🐹 @shannie · 52m
check dms?
binbin 🐹
hi lol
idk if u actually hate me or wtv
but ur comments actually make my day so
sorry if thats ur intention HAHA but i like u
haohao
OH
SORRY
OMG
😭
BRO IM SO SORRY
i didnt think ud actually see my msgs
sorry LOL
i was just
kinda messing around cuz like
i was joke complaining to my friends abt
ur spotify gig
ur voice is great btw i was joking
sorry :/
binbin 🐹
pfff haha its ok :)
i actually found them hilarious so
ur good haha
haohao
no im still sorry tho 🙁
i shouldnt have said that stuff on a public platform
ill take it down rn
binbin 🐹
wait
actually
leave it up
haohao
hanbin has anyone told u ur very itneresting?
i mean this int he kindest way possible
like first u reply to me
like im acting like a hater and u thank me
and then u tell me to keep up my hate comments
im so sorry for posting that stuff abt u
ur actaulyl so amazing :(((
binbin 🐹
aw thank you haohao
😊
haohao
my names zhang hao
um
i thought id let u know
cuz um
ik ur name
oh that makes us sound close right
sry
binbin 🐹
dont be
😊
u made me laugh
😊
haohao
WHY IS HE SO NICE
[image]
I FEEL SO BAD NOW
HE DEOSNRT EVEN WANT ME TIO TAKE IT DOWN
lovliky
tbh
idk why u even hated him in the first place
but im glad u did
#lovewins
haohao
I MET HIM LIKE
5M AGO
WDYM
lovliky
#lovewins
what do u not understand
uve basically been obsessing over him for a week
sooooo uve basically been dating for a week now
🤷
haohao
omg ur so right bestie
😍
im gonna chase my bae now bye
lovliky
hopefully it goes well
i hope he isnt heterochromia
haohao
what
lovliky
i said
i hope he isnt heterochromia
cuz yk
then he wouldnt like u back
cuz hes heterochromia
haohao
thanks ?
😭
binbin 🐹
haohao
do u want to chat
haohao
were chatting rn?
binbin 🐹
voice
call
haohao
[image]
WHAT DO I DO HE WANTS TO CALL
HIS VOICE IS SO SEXY I WANT TO CRY
binbin 🐹
😊
aw thanks
haohao
im gonna
[image]
lovliky
LMFAO
haohao
SORRY
I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT
IM SORRY IF IT MAKES U
UNCOMFY
binbin 🐹
lol its ok xD
haohao
oh
ok
cool
yeah!!
hahahahahahaha
binbin 🐹
😊
xD
ur cute
and funny
xD
[incoming call]
[call ended. time: 4h30m]
binbin 🐹
haohao
when r u
coming online
:(((((
i always miss u
haohao
srryyyyyy i have a job
sadly
binbin 🐹
quit and live with me
haohao
LMAO
ty bin
but we met like 3 days ago
yujins still convinced ur a serial killer
and im like BROKE broke
u wouldnt be able to pay for me LOL
binbin 🐹
etransfer
haohao
wha
binbin 🐹
ok wtv
[binbin 🐹 sent 5k]
haohao
BRO
DONT SEND STRANGERS UR MONEY???
binbin 🐹
were basically
married now
haohao
HUH
WHAT
??????
binbin 🐹
do u not want to be married
sung hao
:(((((
haohao
??!?!?!??!?!?!
LMAO
ok
lets be married binbin
my fav cat
dont tell ricky i said that ur the fav cat
binbin 🐹
cat?
haohao
yes
nyangbinnie
binbin 🐱 @nyangbinnie · 2m
rebrand
www.you/tube.com/929jnUUncneigegeNIiznc83
haohao @fuhao · 10m
im actually gonna cry hes so fucking cute
[image]
haohao @fuhao · 10m
what did i do to be able to talk to him…
mattie @matchu · 8m
PPOSTING THIS ON MAIN????
mattie @matchu · 8m
anxiety fears bro
haohao @fuhao · 7m
its ok its on circle
lik 🍓 🔒@lovliky · 2m
hao. hao. circles. CIRCLES ARENT A THING ANYMORE?????
binbin 🐱 @nyangbinnie · 50s
wow! i think ur rlly cute too haohao 🙈
haohao @fuhao · 49s
HUH