Work Text:
In his time on the ship, Pip has learned that there can be two of a thing, and that makes everything make sense. There is Stubb and then there is the Thing In The Hold-so, likewise, there's Pip-that-thinks and Pip the coward that made that thing, that slipped overboard before Stubb caught him. When he says Pip, he doesn't know which one he's talking about. There used to be just one, but now there are two.
He made his way to the Captain's quarters after the Thing Was Put In The Hold with his legs shaking and his ears ringing because Pip is a liar and Pip is a coward and Pip should have drowned, Pip is already dead, the Captain said that anything that was touched by the Whale has no chance to live, Pip is rotten and a monster and it's Pip's fault what happened to Stubb and that the thing in the hold is there and- He rocks back and forth on his heels and knocks on the door.
"Who goes there? Speak!"
"It's-It's Pip, Captain. Pip-Pip-Pip-The-When it happened, there-With Stubb-"
Ahab's iron leg dragged on the wooden floor of the ship, an awful, violent tearing scratch. The door creaked open.
"Do you not understand, you stupid boy? Stubb is-"
"It's not about Stubb! It's about Pip! Pip-Pip-"
He held up his hand. His right hand, where the pinky finger was covered in that, that same he'd seen crawling over Stubb and-
He doesn't know what he expected. Thunder and lightning. The Captain crowing that now he shows himself, the real monster. Stubb coming out and being fine now, because the Captain only needs one mermaid.
Instead, something changes in her face that he can't read and she says, "Come in. Shut the door."
Pip does so because he always does what the Captain says.
The Captain's quarters are cramped and filled with papers. "Sit," she tells him.
Pip looks around, and sees what appears to be a chair next to a lopsided desk. He sits, waiting for his execution. The Captain paces across the room, hands behind her back, her metal leg trailing in a well-worn groove. She reaches in her pocket for something-a silver blade. Her hands and the sleeves of her jacket are stained dark red and the thing in the hold screamed and Pip locks that in a box in his thoughts and throws it down to the bottom of the Lake to drown like he should have and never be thought of again. "Tell me, Pip. Do you know how I lost my leg?"
"...The Pallid Whale, captain?"
"Yes. Most of it. But you-" She turned, a fervor in her eyes. "I need not explain it to you, Pip. Because you understand."
"What?"
"I thought to have you as fodder for the beasts," she said. "Little other purpose for a boy of your years on a voyage. Oh yes, I know you lied on those papers. I'd be a fool if I didn't, ha! But...what happened. You saw it."
"Pip...saw...it?"
"When the beast lunged for you. When you were knocked into the water. When Stubb was bitten. What did you see then under the water?"
Someone is giggling and Pip doesn't know who or why or how because he only remembers the splash of everything, the underside of the whale, and that Stubb was Stubb was Stubb was-
"Yes. Yes." Ahab's voice is softer than he has ever heard it. "I saw that too. When I faced the whale, when it took this leg-the Lake, the beasts within it, everything. The nature of the whales. The beasts. The stump-even being in contact with it had corrupted me. My leg was already pallidifying. But I had a saber and I cut and I cut and I cut until it was gone. Mortal men, men like Stubb, they do not have the strength. They are weak. A touch has them gone, and there is no cure. But special people, like you and I, Pip-we are different. We have seen what they are. And so we can resist, for we have the strength to stand above the masses." Pip has never, ever, ever thought he was anything like strong. "Give me your hand."
He does. Her hands are hard and rough, reminding him of those Mermaids where touching their skin the wrong way made you bleed. One hand holds his, the other hand holds the knife.
"Captain...are you going to..."
"Only the fingertip. Ah-" She blinks, as if she's realized something, he's not sure what it was, before standing, rummaging through a chest, and pulling out a leather strap. "Bite down," she instructs. "No need to rouse the rest of the ship."
Pip can't stop shaking but he opens his mouth, lets her place it in. "It's a sturdy one," she tells him. "Cow leather, not Mermaid. I had one when I was dismasted, and the crew never heard me scream. Now. Bite."
The reason Pip doesn't piss himself when the knife comes down is because he knew it would be on the Captain's chair. It is like his finger is on fire. She cuts it at the second joint, taking the section that had gone and even more of his flesh. It's not a quick cut, or a clean one, but it's not slow either. Pip is sobbing and wailing but he remembers not to scream.
Ahab reaches for a flask to pour a drop of whiskey on the stump, which burns like fire and Pip screams like a scared child through the strap because he isn't strong like the Captain. "Quiet," she says. He forces himself to but he can't stop the shivering or the gulping silent sobs he's making. He weeps silently.
She takes his hand in hers. "You will not turn into a Mermaid, Pip. You will become like me, someone who knows the rotten vile truth of the Lake, someone who will plunge the harpoon into its vile depths. Your soul is tied to mine, for we are now of the same ilk. Here-" She lets go, stabs her finger with the knife, and does not react as she pockets it, taking his hand and placing her bleeding fingertip to the ragged stump where his is. "Now our blood is bound, and none shall ever break it." She releases his hand, takes a roll of bandages, and quickly if not expertly wraps the stump. "This should do it."
Pip is whimpering and can't stop. It's not like Stubb, who would always cuff him and say cruel things, it is almost gentle. Almost. Blood is bound and he thinks of Sweepers, after the landlord turned his parents out and he hid like the coward he was-he shares blood with Ahab now, and she is the Captain, she is too strong to die because of him like they did. Is she his mother now, or his father, or both?
He can't stop crying and Ahab frowns at him. He flinches back, for he has seen her strike what sailors were immature enough to dare cry on her ship, but when her hand reaches for him, it is not to hit him but to hand him the flask of whiskey she used to clean his wound. "Here. It will take the edge off."
Pip's parents always said he shouldn't drink, but they're dead now, drunk down by the Sweepers because they couldn't pay rent and the Captain is maybe his parents now. He unscrews the cap, though he's not quite sure how, and picks it up to swallow.
It /burns/ and he nearly spits it out, but it doesn't feel as bad as his finger being cut off did. His head feels dizzy and clear all at once, but he's thinking less about the pulsing throbbing pain where his finger used to be.
He stands on shaky legs and black spots flicker in front of his eyes so he sits back down hard. It hurts. Everything hurts. He starts sniveling like a coward again.
"Enough with tears," Ahab says sharply. "This is a time of your rebirth, Pip, for the sea has taken you but you have been spat back out. When the time comes and the whale is killed, you will be the first to come with me to see Stubb, and we will see him when others might lie and claim to. I will strike the Pallid Whale down in vengeance for you and Stubb and all those others who have been consumed while you and I still walk above the waters! From this morning on you will be my cabin boy, and I, not Stubb, will give you your orders."
"Oh," he says numbly. Pip doesn't deserve it, not cowardly Pip, not to be talked to by the Captain as if he is an equal or to be lifted up to serve beneath her, but if he speaks he fears the dream will end. And then the dam breaks- "Thank you, Captain, thank you, Pip doesn't deserve it, Pip-"
"Enough! I have no time for your chatter, boy. I'll return to the deck. Stay here, if you cannot walk-you'll put my bed to better use than I do, for now at least. You'll have dark dreams tonight. Every night after this, too. But rejoice in them, because they are the Lake speaking to us-now, there is a conversation between us three." She walks out, her leg stabbing into the wood.
DECK, MIDNIGHT. ENTER AHAB.
The boy was brought along as mermaid fodder, and she is not sure why she told him that. Her intention was to have Pip be where Stubb is now.
Ahab is a woman given to brooding, but not to introspection. She does not dwell on the almost-kinship she feels, for Ahab is one of a kind, and the boy is an accessory, like all the others. She has lifted him by giving him purpose, but, like her, it is the Lake that marked him. (She must not be too kind to him, though, or too honest. Those would make her soft, and him softer.)
Fuck the Lake. She needs only one Mermaid. The boy is of her kind and she has elevated him, rescued him from the Lake, taunted it-it cannot have him, or her. No, Pip is above every other fool on this ship(though still below her), because he too knows now-how small they are, how pathetic. He doesn't know how to hate that yet, how helpless they are in the face of the Lake and its Whales, but Ahab will teach him hate and the Whales fear. He cannot become like her, because he is drowned in his own guilt and far too innocent-but perhaps he may reflect a facet of Ahab.
He is not disposable like so many of the crew on the ship. They shall all sacrifice themselves for the broken, guilty, foolish little boy and for Ahab's glory. And he, too, may be a sacrifice, rising above what the cruel world made him to be-but only when it is truly, truly needed.