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Hamilton doesn’t hesitate-
He exhibits no restraint-
Severus watched from the shadows as James’ knee scuffed the stone courtyard, as the ginger girl looked over at him in surprise, too far away for Severus to hear her cry of joy as she exclaimed a mark of approval before slipping the ring on her finger and prancing away with James. Three other boys the same age stood by the Hogwarts gates, with their trunks packed for the very last time. It was a beautiful sunny day, and yet a raincloud seem to burn past the shadow boy’s cheek, betraying his hollow face.
‘The Shadow Boy’ is what they would call him.
Severus slipped the velvet box back into his pocket, letting it fall from the cusp of the cloth entrance down to the dark pits of his robe, resting just beneath his knee. The carnelian stone seemed like it had grown hands and a big, dark body pulling him down slowly, weighing down his hip until he leaned back against the fig tree. He watched as Lily smiled, and then paused at the gate, looking back. Only for a split second did it seem like they made eye contact- but he knew that it was all in mind, as she looked back to James a second later with the same smile. Severus packed his suitcase and headed away- away from Hogwarts, away from the Dungeons, away from Lily. He always wondered how that carnelian ring- as fierce as Lily’s ginger hair, would look on her finger. He never found out.
Takes-
“Snivellus, Greasy-” They chanted in unison. “Snivellus,” No. “Greasy,” Stop.
And he takes-
James looked back at him with a smirk, as if he knew that Severus was cowering behind the column directly behind him and Lily. “You know that Shadow Boy?”
Lily looked back at him, her eyebrows tight. “You mean Severus? Yes, he often accompanied me in the fields as a child. His family lived ‘cross the river of my Mother and Sister’s house. I always saw him watching me from the weeping willow that joined the river and the meadow.”
“He’s a creep.”
“...That’s not nice.”
“It’s like he’s allergic to everything normal. Grows out that long, greasy hair and cloaks in all black- not to mention, he follows you.” Said James, adjusting his glasses and intertwining his finters with Lily. She scoffed, turning towards him.
“ Follows me, James? That’s poppycock. He’s just… different. I like him, he’s nice.”
“And you like that? That difference?”
“Yes.” Severus felt his heart swell like a little boy again, before sinking back down when Lily continued. “...And no. Why are we talking about him ? He’s just a boy.”
“And so am I, but here we are.” James laughed, grinning ear to ear as they exchanged words and jokes that blew past Severus’s ears like a cold winter frost. He watched as Lily threw her head back and laughed with her full heart after something James had said- was it about Severus? He didn’t know. He stopped listening, so he let the stong column slowly melt into his side until the curves and cracks felt like his own, body and shadow meshed together all at once. And still, he sat watching, even as Lily bid farewell and, after waiting a few minutes, James turned around and dragged him apart from the shadows, into the light. Severus went back to the dungeons with a bloody noce and a broken rib. And still, he was watching.
And he takes-
“Why are you watching me?” Lily surprised him from behind. Surprised was not the right word, since he knew she was coming.
“I watch everyone.” He whispered, looking down, focusing on feeling the bumps and the curves of the tree on his back. Shadow Boy. Her face contorted, fostering a condescending grin.
“That’s kind of weird.”
And he keeps winning anyway-
Changes the game-
The halls buzzed with an electric energy- for the first time, Severus was confused. But he was always watching, and as the hallways got more and more crowded, he shoved through the lines and lines of children until he arrived at the heart of the commotion.
Lupin, Sirius, Peter, Lily. Lupin, SIrius, Peter, Lily, he refused to look up for a moment because when Lupin, Sirius, Peter and Lily were standing shoulder to shoulder, that could only mean that the boy with the scuffed and dirty shoes, with the unkept raven hair could only be-
“Seeker! Seeker! Seeker! Seeker!” The crowds roared as James held up a small golden plaque that apparently had his name engraved on the front. From his right, Sirius rose his hands to conduct the crowd in the earsplitting cheers, Remus sending sparks into the air with his wand that fizzled once, twice, before making miniature fireworks above everyone. From his left stood Lily, holding his arm by the elbow and admiring the plaque. James held the crest shaped plaque up once more before putting it smack dab in the middle of the glass case behind them.
“James Potter, Gryffindor’s youngest seeker to win the Quidditch cup!” Bellowed Sirius, giving his friend a firm pat on the back.
So that’s what happened last night, thought Severus to himself. He heard the commotion all the way from the Slytherin dungeons. No wonder Regulus came back to the dorms in such a fury.
The boys closed the cabinet as the crowd slowly dispersed, students bustling to all parts of the castle. Only Lily’s friends stayed, as well as Remus and Sirius, and of course James and Lily. The ginger’s friends squealed as James and Lily turned towards eachother, and even though it was only a kiss, Severus stumbled back, head pounding almost as if James himself was dragging his forehead against the stone wall, drawing it back just to smash it against the wall once more. Lily didn’t see him- no one did, as he turned around, unable to watch any more.
Plays and he raises the stakes-
Severus waited patiently outside the Charms classroom- Lily had Charms, and he was determined to give her the chocolates that must be melting by the second in the cheap box that they came in. Finally, she approached the top of the stairs, talking with a few friends, and James. Severus swore under his breath.
As Lily approached, James gave him a little shove, sending him back into the doorway. “Go on, get to class!”
“I-” Severus looked from James to Lily, every hope he had of giving her the box now completely swallowed by his desire to sink into the floor and disappear. Before he knew it, he was running back down the staircase, the chocolates still in his hand.
And if theres a reason he seems to thrive-
The winter had faded into spring that day, the last bits of snow devoured by rays of sun that coaxed flowers out of their bulbs. Severus was reading, as always. The library was too stuffy, and too loud, so he opted to sit outside for once. He held a jar of ink and his quill, scribbling down all of his notes from Potions class, into his Potions book.
He imagined James coming up to him, he imagined whipping out his wand and cursing him. Lily would run over to him and kiss him; he would be a hero. James would be a forgotten recic of the past. And just like that, the warm feeling that spring had blushed his cheeks with had disappeared. Severus hated him. He hated James with all his heart, he hated him almost as much as he loved Lily.
Sectum… his quill hovered above the paper after the M for a second before continuing.
Sectumsempra - and then he drew a line, before dipping his quill back in the ink and writing one more thing - For enemies.
Always. “Sever Always.” He liked the sound of that, had a nice ring to it. “Sever Always.” Sever sounded a bit too close to Severus though, but that was the beauty of it. James would always know who cursed him. Everyone would.
Just as he was about to close the book and pack his bags to retreat into the dungeons, he heard a horribly familiar laugh. He didn’t even have to look behind him to know that James and Sirius were prancing over to his secluded spot under the tree.
“Look at the little weasel!” Called James to Sirius, swinging around the tree so they were both directly in front of him. “What’s the shadow boy doing now, huh? Writing in your notebook?” James looked to Sirius, sticking out his lip in a mocking manor. “Little bitty Snape is doin’ his homework, is he?” Severus didn’t dare respond- he only clutched the notebook tighter. Before he could react, Sirius snatched it from his hands. Severus lunged at him, just before Sirius threw it to James’s hands, as he opened it and started reading. “This- what is this?” Asked James in confusion. “Is this a diary or some shit? Sirius, lookey here- ‘The forests cower in her beauty, the stars burned jealous of her ginger locks.’ No- this- this can’t be-” James couldn’t stop laughing. He and Sirius were practically rolling on the ground, and all Severus could do was stand there. People started to notice the commotion and came running over, all the way from the courtyards. “You read one- go on!” He tossed the notebook to Sirius.
“ They are mere carnations, they are crows looking to the cardinal, she is a golden sunset that drips it’s blood to the blue of the ocean- love is blood, love is bleeding. Sirius glanced up at James, who scrunched his eyebrows.
“Go on, read on.”
“That- stop, thats mine, I-”
“ Wingardium Leviosa!” With a swish and flick of his want James cast Severus high into the sky, ink and quill splattered on the ground, wand still clutched in his hand.
Sirius continued. By now, more than thirty people were circled around them. “‘ They fear the blood, it agonizes them to think of the calloused hands of a true heart. Burn, burn, burn. ’”Sirius looked up at Severus, as the whole crowd howled with laughter. “You’re a fucking creep, you know that? And look here- James, look here-” Severus looked away, as James huddled together with Sirius, a few other people peeking over their shoulders.
“You’re sick! Why’s her name in your diary?” Severus didn’t want to process that they were talking to him. It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream, it’s all a- But as James held the notebook up so everyone could see the pink and black letters of Lily’s name on the paper, nothing could compare to the split second where the crowd parted and Lily herself walked through.
Nothing could compare to that cast of pity she gave Severus.
“Do you like me or something?” All the blood drained from his face. The whole crowd was uncannily quite.
“I- I didn’t-”
“It’s all here, Lily-” James threw her the notebook. “Take a look for yourself.” Severus watched as her expression worsened by every page that she turned.
He didn’t realize that he had his eyes shut tight until James stood under him and pried them open with his fingers, as Severus squirmed away. “Isn’t he a creep? He’s a creep, ain’t he? Writes about you every day.”
Lily grimaced, and let out a giggle. Then a chuckle. Until her and the whole crows was roaring with laughter, all the while chanting “ Shadow boy likes Lily, Shadow boy likes Lily, ” Again and again and again and again and
Again.
Severus didn’t even realize that his want was pointed at James’s chest, the other boy taunting him while Sirius howled “Whimp!” In the background.
Sectumsempra.
It was all in slow motion, how Sirius’s once cackling eyes melted right off of his face, looking at Lupin who had just then arrived between screaming something and running to James’s side. The spell of flight was broken, and Severus tumbled to the ground.
James’s body looked like it was being sliced again and again and
Again,
New wounds erecting themselves in split seconds, his once white shirt now beet red. Lupin cradled his face, Sirius trying to tie the wounds down before they both gestured Peter, who was now crying, to go get the nurse in the hospital wing. Peter obliged, running as fast as his legs could carry him back to the courtyards and into the castle.
Sirius looked up at Severus, and so did everyone else who had been to transfixed on James’s appearance to look back at the wand that inflicted it upon him, or notice that Severus had grabbed what was left of his ink pot and quill.
“Are you mad?”
“I-”
“Look at him!”
Severus looked, and James was no more wounded then before.
“What was that spell?” Said a soft voice behind him, soft until he turned around and saw that it belonged to the one person he wanted no more dialogue with that day. “I’ve never seen it before, what curse did you use?”
“It’s called Sectumsempra. I- I made it myself.” He could feel the crowd’s eyes boring into the back of his head.
“You wrote that? For what?” Severus was tempted to say ‘self defence’ but he swallowed it back. He just extended his hand for the notebook, but Lily held it behind her back. “No, you’ve done enough. Get out of here, shadow boy.”
Severus left, without another word.
While so few survive-
He went back through the courtyards and into the castle, where Peter ran by him with the nurse and a few distraught professors.
He never knew what became of the notebook. He never went to go looking for it. Lily never talked to him again, so he had a pretty good excuse to return the favor.
James was hospitalized for a week or two, and when he woke up long enough to tell the story of what happened, Severus was in a courtroom before he could argue. He was made to swear to never use the spell again, and charged a considerable amount from his saving, but since he was a child, they let him free.
Sixteen years later, another Potter found the notebook, which had been squished away right where Lily left it in the library.
Sixteen years later, he saw himself on the floor of the bathroom, being sliced again and again and again. Except it wasn’t him, his hair had been bleached blond with cold grey eyes, Severus’s shade transfigured into a state of brave paralysis. Of course, since then, he had developed a counter curse.
When he looked back, James stood, shocked, wand still extended. Except it wasn’t James, his hair had been cut short on the sides with bright green eyes, the eyes of someone painstakingly familiar.
Then goddamnit I’m willing to wait for it-
I’m willing to wait for it.