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It’s late afternoon when I notice the first twinge of splitting pain that ominously warns of what’s to come. Xaden and I have just finished on the sparring mats, and I’m heading to the mess for dinner, Liam grinning as he walks beside me. I make quick work of boxing up the pain, but when I spend the entire night tossing and turning, nausea eventually coming into play as my body is overcome with a variety of aching and sharp, electric jolts of pain, I know tomorrow is going to be rough.
Having only gotten sporadic bouts of rest, the morning is even worse than I had imagined. My brain is foggy, bogged down by lack of sleep and the burden of stuffing away the pain. I groan, dragging my hands down my face, as I count to three before pushing myself upright against the wall near my bed. My arms and spine absolutely wail in protest, and I take in a sharp breath, my eyes squeezing tightly shut. Godsdamnit. I swear in my head.
Eventually, I work up the courage to scoot to the edge of my bed, snatching the ribbons and hair pins I had thrown in a heap on the floor in my desperation to get to bed last night. Jokes on me, since I didn’t actually get to sleep.
The room tilts around me when I sit back up, but I grit my teeth and set to work braiding my hair, my shoulders protesting each and every movement. I ride wave after wave of increasing agony as I become more and more aware of just how much pain I’m in.
“What happened?” Xaden’s voice filters through our bond, making me jump, my back spasming with the movement. Fuck, that hurts. I hiss and shift on the bed in an attempt to ease the spasm.
“Nothing, Xaden. I’m fine.” I snap back, wincing as I raise my arms above my head to restart the braid. When my fingers refuse to cooperate, stiff with pain, I realize a bun may be a better choice for the day.
“Bullshit, Violence. How did you get hurt?” He pushes further, his voice strained… with worry? No, that doesn’t quite fit. My arms tremble as I try to tie the ribbon around my bun.
“I’m not hurt.” It’s not a lie. This is just my body being a total asshole in response to the colder-than-usual Spring weather and approaching storm. I’ve gotten through worse. The extended time with my arms above my head is making me dizzy and I realize that a bun may not be happening today either. I sigh in exasperation, letting my hair fall back down around my shoulders, rolling my neck as a headache starts to set in. Great. I think idly to myself.
“Then why the fuck are you in so much pain?” It’s then that I realize the strain in Xaden’s voice isn’t worry, it’s pain, and shit… my shields are totally down. I realize with a start that I’m unintentionally filtering some of my pain through our bond. It takes more effort than I care to admit, but I snap my shields back into place, stifling the flow of pain but not entirely blocking out the swirling onyx bond in the corner of my mind.
“I didn’t know my shields were down.” I try to evade the question, taking a breath and hoping that he will let this drop, so I can continue my slow-moving morning routine. I give up on my hair for now and brace myself against the bed as I push myself on to my feet. I’m instantly met with a dizzy spell that threatens to bring me to the floor. Fuck. I think as I flop myself back down to the bed, leaning forward as my mouth waters with nausea.
“I wouldn’t suggest trying that again.” Tairn’s voice is firm but caring.
“What, standing?” Tairn chuffs in affirmation. “I need to get to class.” I groan in annoyance at my failing body. Fuck this.
“You should rest.” Andarna’s gentle voice adds.
“I’ll be fine.” I assure them, sitting back up and rolling my aching shoulders.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and sigh. I look just as bad as I feel, my face pale, hair disheveled as it frays this way and that, dark circles under my eyes courtesy of the sleep I didn’t get due to the pain.
“But you aren’t fine right now.” Andarna pushes, her words filled with compassion.
It’s then that I feel the onyx bond tighten in my mind and I know that Xaden is close. There’s a knock on my door and I tilt my head back in utter disdain of myself. How could I let my shields falter? Indignation weighs heavy on my mind towards the conversation I know I’m about to have due to my lack of control over my own fucking body.
“Violence?” Xaden inquires from the other side of the door when I don’t immediately answer.
“Come in.” I sigh, bringing a hand up to rub the growing ache at my temple.
I’m sure I’m a sight to see when Xaden opens the door, still in my nightgown, trembling slightly while perched on the side of my bed. I look down into my lap, absently rubbing my sore wrist, refusing to make eye contact. I feel his gaze boring into me.
“Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on? Why aren’t you dressed? Formation is in thirty minutes.” Xaden’s voice is… distressed? Fuck, I can’t even think straight through this pain. The hand that’s rubbing my wrist suddenly spasms and I wince, dropping it to my lap.
“I’m fine. Head to formation. I’ll be there soon.” My voice is quiet and I know it lacks my usual strength, but I can’t bring myself to care.
“I thought we agreed a long time ago that you wouldn’t lie to me, especially when you’re hurt.” I open my mouth to interject that I’m not hurt, but Xaden cuts me off. “No, don’t even try to tell me that you aren’t hurt, Violence. Pain like that doesn’t just happen.” His anger is palpable.
I chance a look at him. He’s standing in front of the closed door, his expression deadly as his eyes track up and down my body, obviously looking for visible injuries that he won’t be able to find. I know he’s not going to leave this room without answers and close my eyes briefly in resignation. “It does for me.” I admit, barely above a whisper. Shame and resentment floods in like a tidal wave with my admission.
“Care to elaborate?” Xaden has an eyebrow raised but his body language has softened.
My right hip jolts with pain as it shifts out of socket, obviously pissed off that I’m even slightly off center as I sit on the side of my bed. Oh, the audacity to even fucking sit. I internally roll my eyes at my hip, wondering idly if it’s normal to have conversations with your joints.
“I’m always in pain.” I start as I carefully lower myself to the floor, gritting my teeth against the sharp pain radiating down to my knee and across my lower back. “Some days are just particularly bad, like today.”
“What are you doing?” Xaden questions, looking at me curiously as I lift behind my right knee and guide it to the side, until my inner knee and ankle are in contact with the ground, my legs folded in an z-like shape on the floor.
“Putting my hip back into its socket.” I wince at the vulnerable positioning of my joint as it pulls on too loose ligaments, take a breath to steady myself, and then push on my hip firmly with my hand while leaning to the right. I swallow back the nausea as my hip snaps back into place with an audible thunk. I close my eyes against the agony, breathing heavily.
When the worst of the pain passes, I open my eyes to find Xaden’s shocked face staring back at me. I didn’t know it was possible to truly shock the man, and pride briefly furrows inside of me, making me smirk. He must notice the smirk, as he fixes his face into a more neutral expression.
I carefully bring my leg back around, so it’s in front of me and bring both knees up to my chest, hugging my arms around them as I shiver with a sudden chill. My body can never regulate its temperature well when I’m in this much pain. I unsuccessfully try to suppress a groan when the shiver sends a spasm down my spine.
The groan sends Xaden into action as he kneels down beside me. “What can I do to help?” His tone is soft, his gold-speckled onyx eyes caring.
“Just help me up. I need to get dressed for formation.” My voice is hollow while I try in vain to box away the discomfort coursing through my body. Fuck, this is going to be a long day.
Xaden looks at me intently before shaking his head. “No, Violence. You’re not going to formation today.” I pin him with a glare and he returns it with a look that dares me to interrupt. “As your wingleader, I’m ordering you to rest.”
“Xaden, I’m fine.” I roll to my hands and knees, and reach for the top of the bed, pulling myself up. My shoulders scream with the strain and I curse every god there is when my wrist decides to subluxate, sending my face careening towards the mattress. I catch myself with my other hand, my shoulder protesting, and hang my head low, breathing through pain and nausea. My cheeks flare with embarrassment as I feel Xaden’s hand on my back.
“I think we’ve already established you aren’t fine.” Xaden’s hand rubs soothing circles on my back. “What’s wrong?” The question caresses my mind softly, feeling like one of his shadows.
“My wrist subluxated.” I start, swallowing back the nausea. “And I’m a little queasy.” I desperately try to box up the pain, shove it away safely into the corner of my brain, but that corner is filled to capacity today. The realization has my eyes watering with frustration, as I’m overwhelmed with the suffocating need to escape my own body.
“I know there’s more to it than that, but let’s get you back into bed first.” He drops his hand from my back and wraps an arm around me before hesitating. “Tell me if I’m hurting you.” He demands. I nod in understanding, and he pulls me into his chest, carefully cradling me in his arms before setting me down on my mattress. His fingers run through my hair, and I see a brief inkling of a genuine smile crest his face.
I pop my wrist back into place and Xaden’s eyes meet mine. “All right, Violence. Fill me in here, what’s happening?” His eyes beg me to trust him.
The feelings of failure from earlier are quickly starting to spiral in my mind, as the pain beats away at the walls of my mental fortitude. I just feel so godsdamn awful. I blink away tears that I know will fall eventually.
“Violet? Please, let me in. I want to help.” Xaden encourages me as he gently takes his hand in my own. Giving it the softest of squeezes.
I exhale. “It’s cold outside and there’s a storm coming.” Xaden tilts his head curiously, obviously wondering where I’m going with this. “So, my body is protesting. Everything hurts.” My voice breaks and I clear my throat. Xaden gives my hand another squeeze and moves to sit next to me on the bed. “I’m dizzy and nauseous… and fucking exhausted because I couldn’t sleep.” A traitorous tear trails down my cheek. “I feel like a complete failure.” I admit.
Xaden’s eyes flare at my final statement. “Why would you say that?”
“How am I supposed to fight in this war if I can’t even get a grip on my own body because the fucking weather is changing? I shouldn’t be lying here right now. I should be dressed and walking to formation, like everyone else in this godsdamn place. I shouldn’t be letting my body control me like this.” I grip my shoulder as it cramps, hissing in pain. “I’m bonded to one of the most powerful dragons on the continent and I’m whining about my body being a little sore. I’m a fucking failure.” Frustrated tears are now free flowing down my face, in case I didn’t need more evidence of how weak I am right now.
“Silence these thoughts. Need I remind you of one of the reasons I chose you? It was because of your strength, Silver One.” Tairn’s voice booms in my head in obvious disapproval at my emotional outburst.
“You are perfect exactly as you are.” Andarna adds in her singsong voice, hurt filters through the bond from her. I didn’t mean to hurt her.
“I’m not feeling very strong or perfect at the moment.” I reply honestly to both of them, fresh tears leaking from my eyes. I feel Xaden’s hand on my cheek, caressing it as his thumb wipes away the tears. He must see the blank look in my eyes, and know that I’m talking with Tairn and Andarna.
“Do you question our judgment in choosing you as worthy?” Tairn challenges.
“No.” I sigh.
“Then it’s settled.” Tairn resigns firmly, but I feel a soothing comfort filter through the bond that shows me he understands.
“What did Tairn and Andarna tell you?” Xaden’s still stroking my cheek but the tears have slowed.
I drop my gaze, refusing to look at him, fearing judgment where my dragons had given me grace. “That they chose me.” I sigh. “That I’m worthy.”
Xaden tilts my chin up gently with his fingers, forcing me to meet his onyx gaze. His eyes are warm, more so than I’ve ever seen them. “I’d have to agree with them.” He scrunches his eyebrows together. “Sorry I ever doubted your ability to fight while in pain, Violence. I know that what was sent along the bond was only a fraction of what you’re enduring right now, and gods, I don’t know how you do it.” His eyes bore into mine in utter wonder. “You are a frighteningly strong woman, Violet Sorrengail.”
“It’s not this bad all the time, and it’s not like I’m fighting anyone right now.” I comment, shrugging off the obvious compliment.
Xaden gives me a challenging grin. “Maybe not, but I still stand by my previous statement.” He leans in and gives me a gentle kiss on my forehead, sliding his hand down my loose hair, a longing look settling into his eyes. “So beautiful.” He compliments before glancing at the clock on my desk. He exhales loudly.
“I need to get to formation and arrange for you to have the day off.” He stands and walks to my desk, picking up my waterskin. “I know you said you’re nauseous, but try to drink some of this while I’m gone.” He places it next to me on the bed.
I nod in agreement, shifting so I can pull the covers on top of me. Each movement I make is agony but I grind my teeth and breath through the pain, knowing the weight of the blankets will provide some level of relief from the deep aching throughout my body… that is until I overheat, which is also bound to happen.
“Anything in particular that you want from the mess?” Xaden inquires.
I grimace at the notion of putting anything into my stomach right now.
Xaden raises an eyebrow. “You have to eat.”
I sigh, knowing he’s right. “Tea would be nice, and soup doesn’t sound awful.” I concede.
He nods. “Anything else you need?”
I shake my head no, closing my eyes against a spike of pain that drives through my head like a dagger.
Xaden cups my face in his hand and leans down, kissing me on my temple. “Try to rest. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He strides towards the door, opening it slowly so it doesn’t creak.
“Thanks, Xaden.” I offer him an exhausted smile.
“Thanks for trusting me, Violet.” He says in return before closing the door softly behind him.
When Xaden returns to my room after formation, I’m practically floating in a sea of pain. I can’t focus on anything but the deep aching agony infiltrating all of my senses and the desperate need to escape it. I’m beyond tears at this point, too exhausted by the war raging inside of me to feel emotion.
After being largely despondent to nearly all of Xaden’s attempts at arousing me out of my current state, even through our bond, he announces that he will be right back. It takes me more time than I’d like to comprehend, but I give a small nod in understanding, mourning his departure as soon as he’s gone. I curl into a ball and focus on my breathing, desperate for sleep but unable to do so.
I sigh in relief when I hear the door creak open again and watch with heavy eyes as Xaden crouches down next to the bed, so he’s eye level with me. “I spoke with Winifred and she gave me this.” He holds up a familiar vial of amber liquid. “She said it’ll help with the pain.”
“Leigheas serum.” I identify, knowing the effects of the serum well. “It makes me a little loopy and really tired.” I warn, remembering when Winifred gave it to me after Imogen wrecked my shoulder during assessment. It seems like such a long time ago now.
Xaden smirks. “She warned me… she also made me promise to stay with you until you wake up and ensure you eat.”
I give a small smile. That does sound like Winifred. My smile turns into a grimace when my back spasms, taking my breath away. I moan softly and Xaden caresses my face, rubbing his thumb between my eyebrows, easing the tension there. “Where does it hurt?” He inquires, but I’m in too much pain to respond.
Realizing he’s not going to get an answer, he finds my hand under the blanket and gives it a light squeeze. “I’m here, Violet. Squeeze as hard as you need to get through this. You won’t hurt me.” My hand is laughably small in his but I wrap my fingers around his thumb and squeeze as hard as I can without dislocating any of my weak joints. My hand trembles from fatigue and pain.
When the spasm finally eases, I release my grip on Xaden’s hand and he strokes my hair, running his fingers through the silver ends until I recenter myself. “Let’s get that serum in you, so you can rest.” I nod in approval.
The bitter taste of the serum is followed by a feeling of warmth as it works its way through my body. I exhale freely for the first time since yesterday afternoon, knowing that I’ll finally be able to escape the pain.
“Sleep, Violet. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Xaden assures me.
“Lay with me.” I request, consumed with the need for him to be close.
Xaden takes off his boots and lays beside me in the bed. “Tell me if I’m hurting you.” He insists, echoing his words from earlier, as he wraps an arm over my waist and scoots close, so his chest is touching my spine. His body heat eases some of the tension in my back and I sigh in contentment.
“You would never hurt me.” The words go through my mind before I can stop them, likely due to the effects of the serum that are making me feel vaguely like I’m floating. Yet, I don’t regret them. Xaden has had every chance to hurt me, and he hasn’t. I trust him. I love him. I fall asleep, feeling safe in Xaden’s arms.