Work Text:
‘ I'm here again, passing by your house ’
The cold, chilly air wisped around Jongho as he walked the empty city streets of Seoul, fumbling with his phone as he took it out of his jacket's pocket. The snow around Jongho fell, some sticking to the ground for a few seconds before it melted and became one with the earth while others stuck with lands of snow that began to clutter on the ground. That’s how Jongho felt in the moment, wanting to be one with the earth yet having no choice but to stay afloat in this forsaken world that seems to hate him.
Memories plagued his mind everyday, full of memories he can hardly bring himself to forget, even if everyone around him continuously told him to ‘forget and move on’. Yet it was nearly impossible to do that, even if he tried to. No matter what Jongho did, he always found himself far into the past, recounting the times he was happy with him. Thinking back to when they first met to their last memory together before everything crumbled permanently. Despite it having been nearly a year since then, the pain in Jongho’s heart seemed to be more powerful than he wanted it to be. Was this the consequence of everything that happened?
Sighing, Jongho took a picture of the scenery before him - trees wrapped with bright fairy lights that lit a light pink and white, snow falling from the sky faster that made for a perfect shot that Jongho wanted. After snapping the picture, he smiled to himself before putting the phone away and began to walk towards the direction of his shared apartments. Life as an idol and having to keep perfect was something that began to weigh on the young man, even going as far as having to act as though everything was okay between him and Yeosang.
Yeosang. The man that had brought countless smiles and memories to Jongho. The man who made the younger feel special and vice versa. The man who, still unknown to Jongho, ended things with the younger. No matter how many times Jongho begged for an answer, pleaded to understand Yeosang, the older did not relent and left everything at that. It was a mess in the dorms after that, with Seonghwa having to try and comfort the two while Hongjoong pushed back dates for their new album to allow the now broken up couple to collect themselves and hopefully mend things even in the slightest bit.
No matter how much Yunho tried to cheer the two up, everything led to dead ends. Eventually, the time came for all of them to keep working and putting up their loving idol masks in front of fans and hope for the best. It was hard at first, but eventually they had all fallen into a rhythm that wouldn’t disturb anything or anyone outside of the dorm rooms. Of course, fans had noticed a shift in the atmosphere and immediately questioned if Jongho and Yeosang were okay, but Seonghwa was quick to diffuse the questions before it went out of control.
Shaking his head, Jongho willed the memories out of his mind as he continued to walk down the streets. Couples were making their way around as well, taking in the scenery themselves and capturing moments they would keep forever. If only Jongho could continue to experience that, continue to feel the love and want that someone could offer, continue to feel like he was wanted and loved.
Maybe if the world wasn’t so cruel, and hadn’t ripped everything from him in the blink of an eye, the brunette wouldn’t question what he had done wrong, why he was basically unable to receive the love of the one person he devoted his soul to. Maybe if he wasn’t so afraid, he could have done better to salvage what was not supposed to be saved. His mind was full of ‘Ifs’ yet never ‘Whys,’ and maybe that was part of the downfall of something so beautiful.
‘ If only I could turn back time ’
The days blurred together as everyone kept busy with awards shows, practices, and writing new lyrics for their upcoming album that was to be released. When their manager had told them everyone would be composing duo songs, Jongho stayed silent, observing everyone as they discussed who they would pair up with. Mingi automatically decided to work with Yunho, and Hongjoong went straight to Seonghwa. That had left Yeosang, Wooyoung, San, and Jongho to figure out what they would do, but before the older men could speak, Jongho had beat them to it,
“I’ll work on a song alone, Hyungs. It’s okay, don’t worry.” Despite his body language feeling tense, Jongho walked away from the trio, not before making brief eye contact with Yeosang who’s eyes flashed with a little hurt.
Admittedly, Jongho did want to work with Yeosang, create a song the two could possibly call their own, but that was a faraway dream that the younger did not want to grow attached to. After the meeting, Jongho went to the dorms and locked himself in his room, mentally apologizing to Mingi for essentially locking his hyung out. Grabbing his laptop and sitting on bed, Jongho immediately got to work on layering out how he wanted his solo track to be - listing things that nearly did not sound interesting. It took a while, thinking on things that he could possibly write about until finally, he decided on the one core memory that stuck with him. They say expressing your hurt heals the soul, but to the younger, it felt like his soul only hurt more.
Weeks went by with endless visits to Hongjoong’s studio and creating a melody to fit with his lyrics. Editing, erasing, adding lyrics here and there as sparks of ideas flooded Jongho’s mind during times he was busy or daydreaming about what could have been. It wasn’t easy, but as the day came where he had to record his solo, everyone was there to watch and listen.
Jongho’s nerves wracked as he kept a close eye on Yeosang, watching the older man pay attention to his phone instead of him. Despite the flurry of emotions that kept appearing and the ugly churning in his stomach, he pushed those heavy sentiments down and looked around the studio without actually registering much other than the people who were there.
Wooyoung sat next to Yunho, throwing his legs over the latter’s lap as they sat and waited patiently for Hongjoong to give Jongho the green light. Seonghwa stood with Yeosang against the wall, Mingi sitting at their feet with zero care. San sat next to Wooyoung, his head resting on the younger’s shoulder for some sort of comfort. The producer was also there, taking their respective spot next to Hongjoong’s seat. After some adjusting and setting the equipment to how Jongho liked it, the green light was given and the soft melody began to play followed by Jongho’s voice.
‘ I tried to pretend it was okay
But it hurt to be stabbed by the lingering feelings that emerged
Why can't I face myself after losing you even oncе
And why do I keep trying to run away ’
Everyone sat stunned, listening to Jongho sing the song perfectly. His high notes belting perfectly as they always seemed to do. It was safe to say that even if no one showed it, tears had made their way onto everyone’s eyes as Jongho sang - emotions raw and powerful, expressing the pains he had been keeping inside of him for months.
‘ Back then, I should've told you
That you're the reason for my entire life ’
Yeosang froze, listening to the lyrics despite still looking at his phone.
Was Jongho talking about him?
It had been the only clear answer that could possibly be given as the bridge came to an end and the ending chorus was making it’s away. Yeosang stared, his eyes watering even more as he came to realize just how much had gone unsaid and built over the year - how much pain Jongho had truly been harboring in his delicate heart.
‘ I'll give this song to you
You're my everything
If only I could convey my heart
If only I could meet you again'
And he swears, he truly does swear that even if nobody noticed because they were too busy applauding and cheering Jongho on, the younger’s eyes were stuck on him and him only. Yeosang felt himself tense up, noticing the tears that were quickly wiped away and replaced with a small smile. Even with the pure heartache that Yeosang left behind because of his fears and irrationality, Jongho still looked at him with a love so pure and intense, it broke his heart even more than what it could have possibly been.
Thousands of words have been left unsaid by the two, but there was no point in mending something that was damaged in more ways than one. Jongho knew he would love Yeosang for the rest of his life, but Yeosang was unsure if he could do the same.
'You were my everything ’