Chapter Text
I'm Swimming, but I'm getting tired.
It was almost noon, the light breeze brushing against the uncovered parts of the skin, giving the chills. Although the sun was at its peak but the sunrays traveling through the calm and cold winter air made it feel like a balm, showering the whole body like one of the most soothing sensations to graze by. The hustling noise of the street outside the cafe and the crowd moving around following its activity sounded like the cricketing of cicadas following their own rhythm. Nothing out of the ordinary, not for the daily life outside or inside, not for two people sitting across each other sipping their respective drinks and sparing occasional glances to the people on the other side.
"So, what is it that you wanted to talk about? Is it that important? we could have waited for dinner, I really wanted to show you this new place, trust me it is totally up to your taste, you're going to love it." he chuckled a little, looking at the expressions of the other man sitting in front of him. His roommate, his friend, and most importantly his lover. The white-haired man took a deep breath thinking about how much he loved this man, how he would do anything in his power to see his pristine smile which itself is a rare thing to happen, and how much he wanted to keep it to himself, to hide it from others. If he wants to hide the blonde man from the the rest of the world and just keep him for himself, will that make him overly possessive, will the younger man hate him for that, will he hurt him in order to make his remorseless desires come true? can he even do this to him?
The other guy was in a deep pensive mood like he was trying to figure out some sort of intricate dilemma, the slight frown on his forehead was enough to give away his inner conflicts but Gojo knew that would be probably Nanami being cautious with his words which he will be using within new few minutes, he knows him well enough. Right now if he got up and marched towards him until he was loaming over him, so close and bent his head down pulling the face of the other closer, leaning close pulling him into a kiss right there in front of all the audience what would be the consequences? What will he lose and what will he win? Will nanami let him do what he desires and yield or will he resist him?
Will he get mad at him for revealing the secret only meant for them for it was not customarily celebrated there or will he just smile at the whims of his lovers and would want to be a rebel too? Can they breathe someday out of all these chains and layers of time where they must act what they are not to not be a misfit? A life of so many private affairs.
Amidst of his frantic train of thoughts, he looked at his beloved and for that moment everything was quiet and he thought maybe he should really quit this all and retire with his partner to a life of seclusion where they won't be held guilty to the charges upheld by prejudice. Nanami will surely understand him no matter what, right?
Nanami cleared his throat breaking the silence between them and bringing them back to the present, "I think we need some time apart from each other", the blonde said hesitantly but clearly enough to startle the other man. He didn’t want to come off too strong but he thought they both needed this break in their relationship, not that they had any ongoing serious problems but he couldn't figure out what was wrong. He wasn't an overly controlling person who would want the other partner all by himself or try to cut them off from his other friends or anyone, but he really wanted to be the only one to have all his attention when they were all by themselves. Does gojo not make him feel special or loved? he does. He has always been there to hold him whenever nanami needed assurance, he was his emotional support, sometimes he felt guilty for depending on Gojo more than he wanted because nanami felt so safe and secure in his embrace that even if he wanted to maintain some distance, the other man always made sure to crumble all those boundaries.
"Why? Did I do something wrong? Anything that angered you or any action that caused you hurt?" Gojo almost shouted out but then regaining his coolness he lowered his voice, he still couldn't comprehend the sudden suggestion nanami made.
"Please love tell me, hmm" coaxing him like he was a child.
Nanami stared at him and said nothing, thinking to himself, why is he doing this when he surely loves the man sitting in front of him more than he can put in words? He tries to remember exactly all the reasons he had in his mind while he asked Gojo to meet him during lunch, what was he thinking?
"Maybe we have been together for quite a while now and we just need some space" he felt a lump stuck in his throat
"No kento tell me exactly what's going inside that head of yours, I know it's something else, we can always talk it out right.
"Saturo" he inhaled " because trying to match your pace is tiring me, it's wearing me out. You are the one who is special, who is meant to be the Messiah of all the people who will save them because he can and he will, but me I'm just an ordinary person who just wants the average joys of his short life while I can. I know You always try your best that's who you are to give your all but I" Kento paused and looked outside the window pane where two young school girls were giggling while they scrolled their phones he looked back at Satoru, "I feel like the more time I spend with you the more it gets complicated to see my own emotion, I feel this suffocating feeling every time we part not because we might not come back but I might not come back and than I won't be part of your life to see the smile only reserved for me, that will be for someone else. You are an exquisite pearl that shines on its own and entices everyone." Gojo tried to stop him for a third time but gestured to him again, "No Saturo let me finish first, I know I'm being so childish for being insecure but I can't help all these negative thoughts, they keep haunting me, I want to be a good person to you because you deserve it and I hate being not enough"
Nanami's proposition was weird enough already he had to persuade him to not take this any further. "Kento you are enough, you are more than that, more than I could ever have and better than I'm worthy of, trust me even if I'm strongest I would break without you, you are my pillar who holds me sane, I know we have some issues but let' just talk we don't need time away for that, do we?", At this point gojo was few steps away from kneeling but he had to do what he could to stop Kento, how did this come to this, it was all fine, damn it.
He gently placed his hands on the top of Kento' hand and softly rubbed the back of his hands, " We will be fine Kento, I can always work to better myself for you, for us!" Nanami sighed and reciprocated gojo' motion rubbing his hands against the palms of the other man, " Saturo you are still at it all, after all the fights we have been having and all the arguments they are getting way too much and it's detrimental for us, for megumi, think about it"
"So you are just going to run away rather than find a solution" gojo almost snarled at him
"This is me finding a reasonable solution, okay? I don't think we can resolve it if we keep this up"
"This up? and what' this Kento" Gojo was so unsure of what he was supposed to do right now he couldn't believe they would be breaking up like this, after all this time they spent together, the memories they made which only they know not even stored in form of some pictures, those which were only theirs and theirs alone, how could his Kento, his kento even think about being apart when whole their life was here right in front of them and what for? 'for some petty fight they had a couple of days ago because they both couldn't agree on same specifications for their new apartment, or he is not around more and kento has to do most of their tasks, no but he does his fair share. There isn't even any visible change in the other man's actions which will slightly point towards his dislike for any certain new conflict that might have taken its roots among them.
Gojo knows he shouldn't push his partner now but he deserves a clarification at least so he wants it. "Kento, I love you, you know that more than I can ever express in my words or actions because I'm not as subtle as you can be with my actions, so please if I've been the source of friction we have I apologize."
What does Nanami say now does he know what he did? No, he is unsure what is forcing him to leave the man he loves and has loved ever since, why can't he be normal like others why does he have to complicate things by trying to reach perfection, trying to solve every bit of it, pondering about same moment thousands of times because he couldn't live it the ways he wanted to. Saturo he is perfect but why is he so burdened with all his own shortcomings, he is the one weighing himself down.
"I love you too, Saturo, but I need some time to sort my own shit," he said not too loud just so saturo could barely hear him even he wouldn't be able to hear him he knows the other man would still understand him, so he just looked down at his tea making circles around the brim of his cup.
"I'm sorry Kento I didn't mean to push it too far" gojo halts, " k let's take it too slow, let's try to resolve whatever issue we have, hmm." he moved his hand up and cupped one side of Kento' face, to hell with everyone right now he had no fears he had few minutes ago, if people will see them they can at this moment he couldn't care less and so he did it leaning close and gently kissing the forehead of the blonde and taking a step back after he was done, "Take your time Kento I will always be waiting just let me know when you are ready to come back, but please remember that I'm waiting, I will leave first I have to pick Megumi today." he patted nanami' head and left without looking back.
Kento was left alone with his thoughts and frustrations. So he blamed himself for being paranoid and not being grateful enough for the only person who was his blessing, he wanted to cry but who would wipe his tears here when he was the one who came with self-inflicting punishment because he could not get over his basic flaw of being a human with emotions, which compelled him to feel all those fundamental sentiments and jealousy might have been one of those but he will never admit that, that would be so low of him.