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If you want to succumb to your desire for revenge, the first thing you need to learn is how to kill properly.
Shiba had no problem with that when he was young. He is a war veteran, and it was such a nightmare that words cannot describe it. It was simple: either you kill or you are killed, and he didn't have much choice. There's no reason to be proud of all those who lost their lives because of him, but Shiba doesn't boast. They, those who managed to escape from that horror, prefer to keep quiet, and even the former enemy he met somewhere on his route no longer seems like a traitor and a scumbag, more like a victim of circumstance. War is a hard thing, mostly defending someone else's interests rather than your.
Kunishige hated talking about the war, and whenever Shiba mentioned to Chihiro his father's famous blade forging, he always got a grim look on his face and tried to change the subject so that Chihiro wouldn't notice. No surprise; Kunishige is a blacksmith, and his weapons have killed a great many. As well as saving them, of course, he always remembered only the worst, and Shiba didn't even want to change his mind — he had a reason to. But he would only tell Chihiro what a boy would like to hear about colorful battles, and saving the innocent, and Chihiro listened to everything carefully. It had always amused Shiba how Kunishige, despite being good only at forging and bad at everything else, had managed to raise such a responsible son. And he was confident that everything would be fine.
And then his best friend was murdered. In front of his son...
Chihiro vowed to avenge his father, to kill Hisaku, and he wouldn't even listen to Shiba's attempts to change his mind. He was passionate about this — a new meaning in life, because for Chihiro, his father was everything, and by losing him, he had no reason to exist any longer. Shiba didn't like it... However, he realized that no one would listen to his moral lectures, so he decided to act differently. He agreed to help and promised that Chihiro would go through hell. If Kunishige had forged Enten, then Shiba would create a killer out of his son with his own hands.
But how do you teach a kid to kill? During the war, he had no time to think, but now? Chihiro had said he was ready for anything, but Shiba doubted that he would agree to the methods he saw as optimal. He is going to be cruel.
He'd have to... use his own hands to break down whatever survived the Hishaku assault.
Shiba's first lesson is in the backyard; he calls Chihiro to follow him, and when he obediently goes to the corner, he holds out to him a small axe. For a few seconds, Chihiro scrutinizes it from all sides, and Shiba sees in his gaze an extremely picky blacksmith. It's kind of cute, but he didn't call him to evaluate the metal of the tool he found on the market.
He nods, and Chihiro looks behind him, where a chicken is caged. A fine broiler, in fact, and a skillful housewife would make a fine meal out of it. Chihiro looks at the bird in confusion, then glances up at Shiba and, with a single look, asks what it means. He has to play it cool to answer in the most bored tone possible (in fact, Shiba is pretty scared of the fear of what he's going to have to put up with):
"If you want to kill people, you have to understand the concept of taking someone's life. I'm not gonna start a massacre here, but we can start small. When you learn that, I will ask Azami for a small clean-up mission. So for today," he nods at the chicken, "You'll have to kill it".
Chihiro lowers his gaze, then raises his head again and looks at Shiba with an incredulous look.
"But it's just a chicken".
"Well, it's still alive, and you still have to try to kill it. Chickens are pretty easy to immobilize, though. Are you ready, Chihiro? This is the first step. First, the bird, then..."
Without waiting for an answer, he silently goes forward and opens the cage, from which he pulls the bird out by force. The hen tries to escape, clucking loudly and trying to peck Shiba in the arm, which makes him want to take an axe and finish the job. But today is the day of Chihiro's torture, so the kid has to finish the job himself. He looks at the boy as he waits, and the latter shifts his gaze from the chicken to the axe in his hand with noticeable panic.
His voice trembles slightly.
"But it's just... chicken..." he repeats, then shakes his head. "It's unreasonable".
"Why?"
"It's just a bird. It hasn't done anything bad to me".
"And it won't," Shiba snorts. "But you have to kill it. Chihiro, if you feel sorry for a bird, you'll never kill a man".
"That's completely different".
"Not really".
Chihiro's stricken gaze fell on Shiba so sharply that he barely restrained himself from flinching. He must keep the mask of indifference, this lesson could only be learned by cruelty, only by methods Kunishige had never used. But how sickening it was to realize that he must do such a thing...
Rubbing the back of his head, Shiba lowers his gaze to the chicken. The hen breaks out of his hand and starts walking around like a white spot in the grass.
"During the war, we had to distract ourselves. There were a lot of people who had done nothing wrong to me personally, but I had to kill them. It wasn't about moral dilemmas. You have to remove that, too. Those people showed no pity for your father, and..."
"Exactly! They didn't! But..." Chihiro looks helplessly at the chicken beneath his feet. "It's just a birdie".
That's it, Shiba realizes. That's what you're afraid of, and that's what you end up hearing. Kunishige keeps his son safe from the outside world and raises him to be good and honest, and now you have to make him do what is bad. Chihiro is a nice, honest kid, he's just traumatized. Any good teacher would try to convince him that revenge is not the answer. But... In the situation that has arisen, it seems to Shiba that the safest thing to do is to let Chihiro carry out his revenge. For some reason, there's this strange feeling.
Otherwise, someone else will come after his head later, too.
"Yeah. And those are just people. You need to learn how to hit. And learn to control your gag reflex".
"I won't kill a chicken".
"Chihiro, you have to".
"No!" the boy gets angry, and in his rage, he reminds Shiba of his father. "This is ridiculous! Those people are villains! That's just a bird! It hasn't done anything bad to me! Dad used to say you can't take an innocent life!"
The axe falls out of his hands onto the grass, and Chihiro drops to his knees, grabbing the chicken and squeezing it in his arms. He's not crying, Shiba is sure, but he wants to. It's the proper reaction. Perfectly normal... Unfortunately, Shiba realizes there is no other way. He can't spare Chihiro and give him what he wants. He has to choose. And he doesn't know whether the boy will be grateful to him later or curse him for making him into a murderer. The desire for revenge is just the first thought that came to his mind, maybe he'll come to his senses…
No, Shiba thinks. He won't change his mind. People like Chihiro have a steel grip on their goals, and they'll go all the way, even if the price is too high. They both are gonna end up in hell. And Shiba will be the guilty one.
He prays to any gods who will listen for forgiveness, then walks over to Chihiro and yanks the bird out of his hands; the kid watches in confusion as Shiba picks up the axe and drags the chicken to the cutting table, then tosses it. The bird starts flailing around, but he holds it firmly by the throat and raises his gaze to Chihiro. He looks at it blankly, and Shiba feels like he's about to burst into tears. Gods, why does he have to be so cruel? Why would Azami and his crew let the Hishaku get away with taking Kunishige's life?
This scene will haunt my nightmares, Shiba concludes sadly, and raises the axe.
"Look closely. You'll have to do the same".
The next second, blood spills onto the table.
This evening, Chihiro doesn't eat dinner; he throws up after what he's seen, and spends the rest of the day in his room, lying under a blanket. Shiba is incredibly sorry for having to do such cruel things, but there's nothing he can do. He peeks a couple of times only to ask if Chihiro wants something to eat, but gets an apathetic reply that everything is fine. Of course, he's not fine, Shiba understands, but he's not a parent and has little understanding of what to do in such a situation. It's a nasty, helpless feeling.
As night falls, he re-enters the room; there is no light, and he vaguely sees the blankets piled on top of each other on the bed, where Chihiro is probably sleeping. Gently, he drops beside him and remains silent for a while, looking at his palms. He easily washes away the blood, and not a trace of it remains, but he is an experienced killer, and at his side, Chihiro is still a young boy. A fifteen-year-old boy who has had everything taken away from him, and whom Shiba has put in front of such a cruel choice. He's sick of it, but he has no choice.
He reaches out and rubs Chihiro's hair. He recognizes from the fading breathing that he is awake.
"I'm sorry. I know it's a shitty feeling, but there's nothing else to do. Wanna stop? Just promise me you'll never take a blade. I won't let you out on the battlefield".
"I can't do that," a croak from the blanket comes.
"You can do anything. If necessary, the Kamunabi and I will continue the hunt. And you can resume a peaceful life. You should go back to school, too. I'll organize custody, remove the scar, and you'll have a peaceful life".
"No. I... can't do that".
Kunishige would probably laugh. You don't want to go to school so badly that you're ready to kill a bird, or something like that. But this is no time for jokes, so Shiba remains silent, watching as Chihiro slowly sits up on the bed. He looks paper-white under the moonlight, and his slightly swollen eyes tell a lot. He looks down at the tightly clenched fists, clearly wanting to tell something, but not able to say it, and only bites his lips angrily... Shiba pulls him over his shoulder and hugs him tightly. He's been through so much, the war, and yet he can't talk the boy out of his suicidal goal. Kunishige is probably cursing Shiba as much as he can in the afterlife, and it's hard to blame him for that. He wants to say that everything will be fine, but he knows that not even Chihiro will believe that cheap lie. So they just sit in complete silence while the blind eye of the moon watches them.
The next time, Chihiro asks to buy the bird himself.
He stands in front of it with an axe at the ready, staring in horror, panting loudly. Shiba is helping, so he's holding the bird, but he can see how hard it is for Chihiro to even think about what's coming, and only frowns when the kid turns pale. Normally impassive, his face takes on an unusually varied range of emotions, among which it is easy to read panic, fear, and the desire to flee as far away as possible. But Chihiro himself realizes how important it is for him to take this step.
In the end, there's nothing that can be done.
When Chihiro suddenly meets his gaze and drops the axe from his hands, Shiba sighs heavily. He returns the chicken to its cage and follows his protege, who vomits into the nearest bush. Yeah, that's not what the flowers were planted for. But Shiba doesn't judge; he sits down beside the kid and pats his shoulder, thanking the gods that Chihiro has short hair — the memories of his wild youth when Azami got drunk and puked in the bathtub while Shiba held his hair, were not the most pleasant. There you are, he noted grimly, getting over it and finding a moment for a silly memory. A normal teacher would never do that.
He holds out a tissue to Chihiro, and he gratefully accepts it, then begins to wipe his mouth.
"That's okay. It's all right. The worst part is making up your mind".
"Do you think I can do it?"
Chihiro's expression is serious, though his eyes are teary and his voice is trembling. Shiba looks at him... He thinks back to Kunishige, remembers everything he's experienced in the war, and then shrugs. Being able to take another person's life is a scary skill, as is being able to handle oneself afterward. He's sure that the first time Chihiro kills not a bird, but an enemy, it will be terrible for him. But then he'll get used to it.
As Shiba himself used to do long ago.
"I don't know," he admits honestly. "But you're very diligent. The most important thing in a case like this is not to lose yourself. And the rest..."
He raises his head, thinking for a moment.
There is a light breeze, and the nearby pines are swaying from side to side. The sun is shining. It's a nice summer day, the kind of time normal kids think about sneaking out of school and going for a swim in the nearest lake, not about beheading a chicken. Chihiro involuntarily follows his look, trying to grasp what he supposedly saw, but still can't find it, and then he puts his head down.
Shiba helps him stand up, then gently claps him on the shoulder.
"Let's have some tea. It'll calm you down a bit".
"And then we'll do it again?"
"No".
For once, Shiba decides to be a responsible adult.
"We'll try it tomorrow".
The next time Chihiro looks at the chicken, he clenches the axe so hard that his knuckles turn white. He slowly brings his hand up to his mouth, turning pale again, and Shiba exhales a breath:
"Let's stop".
Chihiro swings the axe, closes his eyes, and strikes. He misses the bird blindly, a little, but still enough to hit it, and he looks down at the cutting table and the axe stuck in it with a husky sigh. His hands are shaking, and Shiba sighs again.
Well, a new attempt, on a new day.
He succeeds; he strikes accurately, this time without closing his eyes, and hits the neck, but his strength is lacking, and the blade doesn't finish the job. Blood spurts, and Shiba curses as the chicken begins to flutter, and Chihiro recoils in horror. He snatches the scarlet-stained axe from the boy's hands and strikes downwards himself, sharp and swift, ending the poor bird's suffering.
He breathes heavily himself, as if some pathetic chicken is taking too much effort from him, then turns around.
It seems... A break a little longer will be needed here. But, then, that means there's not enough force to hit, and that's all. Great, Chihiro can get distracted by kendo training. He walks over to the kid and pulls him away from the bird's body, then leads him away.
"You know, when I felt sick after a murder, I used to eat sour candies. I think I've got a couple at home".
This time, he and Chihiro had practiced on the bamboo to make sure the blow would be strong enough. Shiba is holding the chicken, and Chihiro is standing across from him, looking pale with broken blood vessels in the eyes from lack of sleep. The whole situation has left him barely sleeping at night, unable to eat properly, and it's especially noticeable now in his protruding cheekbones and gaunt face. This is not how a kid at fifteen should look. Not like this.
He picks up the axe, his fingers trembling no longer. Chihiro takes a swing; it's a good, strong strike, as Shiba judges it, and a single blow is enough to cut the bird's head clean off. The body convulses for a moment as blood spurts out, and Chihiro's face begins to look like a postmortem mask, so white it is. He breathes heavily as he brings the axe down, stares at the decapitated bird for a moment, then turns away.
Congrats, Shiba wants to ramble. Here comes the first kill. Some people learn to kiss on tomatoes, some learn to kill on chickens.
Chihiro, however, still has a known problem from his life with his father; he's a responsible boy, and he won't let resources go to waste, so they've been having damn chicken for dinner for weeks now. Chihiro is a great cook, Shiba has to admit — if some girl gets him as a husband, she'll hit the jackpot. Before, Shiba used to live mostly on a diet of cookery from the next door konbini and cigarettes, but now he has an extremely varied menu, though it is mostly chicken.
They sit across from each other at a low table, Shiba flipping through the channels with a bored look. Chihiro is silent, unable to touch his food. They should talk... But there's nothing to add, he's doing his job perfectly, and he's not even sick. Shiba himself is thinking about the fact that he instilled in the boy a hatred of bird meat. And wondering what to do next. So, they take the first step, and they overcome the hardest part. What's next? It's too early to let Chihiro out against a human, he needs an opponent for sparring, he should practice hitting the neck with a bokken, and then with a normal sword, he'll cut by habit as before.
The TV starts showing an animal program. A woman is playing with her parrots, and Chihiro suddenly turns green.
"Hey! Not at the table! Can you make it to the bathroom?"
"It's okay," Chihiro mumbles, shaking his head. "Just a little tired".
"Let's take a break tomorrow. Or even for a week".
"It's too long. But a day... A day is fine".
If Chihiro agrees to take a day off, it means he feels really bad. But he won't admit it, he'll keep quiet until the last minute, and that's what annoys Shiba the most. To help, you have to know what you're dealing with, and Chihiro won't say a word. But it's stupid to be angry at him. He's trying to be strong. His father's death hit him like a jackhammer, and it's Shiba's fault he's late. It is Shiba's fault... that Chihiro has that ugly scar on his face.
He switches off the television with a sigh and turns to the kid. He looks at him extremely weary.
"If you feel bad and you don't want to do it anymore, tell me honestly. I'll understand. Killing a man is not like killing a bird. He'll scream, curse you. The fact that this whole situation is making you sick... That's perfectly normal. It means there's nothing wrong with your head".
Once Chihiro stops caring about who he killed, then the line will be crossed. A new monster will be created by Shiba's hands. He knows the Kamunabi (Azami's faction that knows about Chihiro's existence) are watching them very closely, they fear that Chihiro will turn out to be someone far scarier than the current underworld bogeymen, and they have every reason to do so. The six blades stopped the war. The only one who knows their secret sits right in front of Shiba.
And owning the seventh... No, it's best not to think about that. Better to keep playing the scene in front of Azami, pretending that everything is fine, and Shiba controls the boy perfectly.
Chihiro is silent for a few seconds as if he's really thinking about this proposal. But then he looks up, squinting, as if he were very tired and struggling to keep his eyes open, and in a slightly hoarse voice, he confesses:
"I feel like I'm losing my mind".
"Oh, Chihiro..."
Shiba sits closer. He's used to playing the role of the slightly careless, ruffian uncle, and therefore, serious conversations put him on edge. But he'll try, he really will.
"Every time I hit with the axe, all I see is me still lying under the debris, helpless, and Dad being killed. It's like I can smell his blood, even though I know it's not real. In my dreams, in reality, this scene haunts me. If only I were stronger... Then I would..."
"Then what?"
"I would have helped!"
"Then the Hisaku would have killed you," Shiba summarises with a sigh. "Don't worry about it. What's gone is gone. The past can't be changed. Look... I'm serious: if you're not feeling well, let's stop. Don't torture yourself. You already look very ill. You should be resting, it's only been a couple of months since Kunishige's death, and you're jumping into action".
You're only fifteen, he thinks. A child by Shiba's measure.
"Wouldn't that be a weakness?"
"No. Why?"
"The Hishaku didn't hesitate".
"Because they're scumbags," Shiba shrugs. "Also, they're making money out of it, and you just killed a chicken for the first time. No, Chihiro, trust me — it's anything but a weakness. So don't fill your head with such doubts".
It's a good thing you're disgusted by it. Otherwise, Shiba might just be raising another psychopath with no empathy left.
"Did you ever hesitate, Shiba-san?"
"At war? All the time. Your pops, as well. He never admitted it, but believe me, he was always thinking about whether to keep forging weapons. Steel is the lifeblood of war, he said. And in the end, he was the one who made the blades that stopped the slaughter".
The mention of his father gives Chihiro confidence, and he nods. He still doesn't smile, but something in his gaze changes, as if he's relieved, and he sighs noisily, indicating that he surrenders. Then he looks up at Shiba and asks in a low, husky voice:
"Can I have a sleeping pill? I'm so tired".
"Of course, Chihiro. No problem".
"Go," Shiba says.
Chihiro swings his blade and drops it. He holds the bird this time.
He doesn't even blink.
They repeat this a dozen times. The chicken for lunch and dinner starts making Shiba sick.
"Go," Shiba says.
He's a terrible sparring partner, but he doesn't want to bring someone from the Kamunabi, nor does he want to be in Azami's debt. Shiba sucks at fencing, though Kunishige teaches him. But that's enough to train Chihiro, and he can only smile nervously as the kid lunges forward and swings his bokken with all his might, causing splinters to fall and Shiba's weapon to come dangerously close to his own face.
With such an ally, no foe is terrible.
He teaches Chihiro the most terrible of his knowledge:
"The most dangerous spot is the carotid artery, as well as wounds on the hip. If you hit the chest, try to attack in the stomach, otherwise, you can damage the blade with ribs, but you can try to hit between them. Never hit the skull, if you aim for the face, choose the eyes, it will disorientate the enemy. If black blood starts flowing from the gut, consider your enemy a dead man. If you want to safely neutralize your opponent, hit him under the knee. A punch to the jaw is disorienting, you can attack with the hilt of your blade to the temple. Forget about the heart, chop the fingers, it's more effective..."
And, worst of all, Chihiro, as an excellent student, remembers everything perfectly.
"Go!" he shouts out during the fight.
He does it, though; asks Azami for some small-time business for the clean-up so that Chihiro will meet a competent opponent to kill. The latter is clearly unhappy that Shiba is dragging a kid into their business, but still gives a tip — it's a small gang terrorizing a tiny town on the outskirts of the northern prefecture, nothing particularly difficult. Their deaths wouldn't concern anyone, and the townsfolk would breathe a sigh of relief. It's the perfect target for training.
Like all rats, they hang out in an abandoned factory. Shiba knows that even if they commit a massacre, no one will know about it: firstly, the factory is far from the town, and secondly, Azami promises to send a cleaning team. But Shiba asks him to find such a case, so that, if anything, he could easily deal with the criminals himself.
A gang of small sorcerers can't compare to him in strength, but today, he acts as a backup.
Like any city dandy, Shiba arrives at the end of the world in an expensive black coat, which he buys for a ridiculous sum of money. The local girls are thrilled, and he is pleased with their attention, but Chihiro is nervous.
He gets more nervous when they get to the factory, where Shiba nods at him to go ahead. The gang of sorcerers is furious at this unexpected intrusion, so much so that they omit even the standard polite sneer about their opponent's age. Chihiro is sixteen at this point, but he's still a kid compared to them.
With a quiet ringing sound, he pulls out Enten from its sheath. Water bubbles begin to float in the air.
But for some reason, he hesitates.
"Chihiro! Go!" Shiba barks as he sees the enemy getting too close.
Chihiro, like a marionette, utters with just his lips — Kuro — and slashes down swiftly. The black fish flies into the air, and the gang sorcerer falls to the floor in front of Chihiro with his throat cut open, choking on his own blood. For a second, there is shock in Chihiro's eyes, and Shiba realizes — that's it, the limit for today has been reached. He rushes forward and grabs him by the scruff of the neck, then teleports him to the nearest safe place.
Unlike many, Chihiro doesn't get sick from teleporting; maybe it's because Kunishige often praised this ability when Chihiro was a child, and Shiba amuses his friend's son. But he is visibly shaken by the experience, by his first kill, performed exactly as instructed but more on instinct than consciously. He learns the move, shuts off his mind, and so allows himself to take another man's life.
A simple trick Shiba is familiar with from the war.
"Chihiro. Look at me. Raise your head".
He obeys, but his eyes are wild, and he's visibly trembling. Shiba puts his hands on his shoulders and squeezes so tightly that it must be painful, causing Chihiro to twitch. The pain slowly brings him to his senses, and he stares dazedly, first at Shiba and then at his own hands.
Blood continues to drip from Enten's blade.
"It's all right. You hear me?"
"I killed him," he mumbles quietly. Then he raises his head, without blinking. "I did".
Shiba doesn't ask him how he feels. Doesn't ask if he felt anything.
After all, taking a man's life is no harder than butchering a chicken. If you know how.
But for Chihiro, this is a new step into the unknowable, and it's Shiba's responsibility to show him that there's nothing to be afraid of. He curves his mouth and pulls his coat down, and throws it over the kid's shoulders. Right now, he is under adrenaline, but anything could happen later. Little gestures like this are just a distraction.
The coat was too big for Chihiro, but Shiba is sure the boy will still grow and catch up to his height. Kunishige was a goddamn giant, it's doubtful his son will fall behind.
"The first time is always difficult".
"You think so?"
"I know".
"You didn't tell me about it...."
"There's nothing to tell. The smell of blood, the clang of metal. There's nothing scarier than death standing next to you. But sometimes we have to tame it because it's the only way to restore order. Chihiro," he instinctively lurched forward when he heard his name, and Shiba smiled painfully. "I didn't want you to bear such a sin. But as you can see, the only thing stopping you is simple disgust. You'll get used to it soon enough".
"Soon," the boy repeats, and it sounds like the final nail in the coffin, a verdict.
But Shiba still needs to finish what he's started, and he throws his head back toward the factory, thinking about how many more of these missions they'll have to go on. Which bandit will Chihiro snap at? When he just swings his katana without regret?
The line that separates the child from the beast... And it's erased with Shiba's hand.