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Crowley desired Aziraphale. He desired him carnally, I.e. A LOT. IN A SEXY WAY. Crowley desired Aziraphale so much but he never said anything because he’s an idiot like that but also because he didn’t want to risk losing Aziraphale :( who is soooo innocent and doesn’t know about things like sex!! Even though he’s an angel and knows where babies come from and how humans have sex. But he’s an angel and therefore totally innocent in the ways of carnal desire!!
Also the one time Crowley suggested they run away together Aziraphale said that Crowley went too fast for him so then Crowley pined even HARDER and decided to go even SLOWER because Crowley is NICE and UNDERSTANDING unlike SOME PEOPLE >:( who are mean to Crowley >:( and make Crowley miserable >:( even though Crowley has only done nice things for those people like KISS THEM IN THE FACE!!!
Anyway back to the plot.
Crowley was taking Aziraphale out for a meal because as established Crowley is NICE like that even when his friend Aziraphale is a big meaniepants who is wrong to reject Crowley >:(.
Aziraphale was enjoying the food and moaning sexily as he ate but he didn’t know he was moaning sexily because as established Aziraphale knows nothing of carnal desire. It’s called foreshadowing look it up!!
Crowley was looking at Aziraphale intently and carnally but Aziraphale missed that because Crowley was wearing his sunglasses. Fuck it, Crowley thought. Aziraphale looks scrumptious, like a scone, but a scone I want to fuck. He looks like a fucking scone. I’m gonna cover him in cream and strawberries and eat him up. But first I’m gonna kiss him again.
Suddenly!!! A duck appeared in the middle of the table. It went quack and flapped its wings.
“Good lord!” Aziraphale said. “What is the meaning of this???”
The duck quacked again and another duck appeared, which also quacked.
“Oh no” Crowley said, miserable because he was cockblocked by these ducks. He was duckblocked. “I know these ducks.”
“Oooh?” Aziraphale asked.
“Yes these are the ducks from St James park” said Crowley.
“Quack” said the duck. “Yes you and your friend always used to sit in our park and chat but in season two you didn’t do any of that so me and my boyfriend decided to come to you instead. We want food.”
“Oh I didn’t know you were a couple” said Aziraphale. “But. Wait! You are both male ducks!”
“Yes ducks can be gay. But we are very disappointed that you two gay humans aren’t feeding the gay ducks anymore.” The duck ruffled his feathers and flapped his wings at Aziraphale. “It’s important for us queer ducks to stand together and unite!”
“Oh but we aren’t gay!” Aziraphale said.
“We aren’t human either.” Crowley said.
“Oh okay. But you still love each other like the two of us love each other right?” the duck asked.
“Don’t be silly!” Aziraphale said nervously and giggled and blushed and he looked sooooo cute that Crowley wanted to fuck him like a scone again. “We don’t love each other! At least not like that. But I love Crowley very much, obviously.”
“You do???” Crowley asked, whipping off his sunglasses. Was this it? Was Aziraphale confessing his love???
“Yes! I am an angel and I love everything and everyone” Aziraphale explained.
Tears glistened in Crowley’s snake eyes. He was miserable once more. The most miserable he had ever been. He would never get to fuck Aziraphale carnally because Aziraphale was an idiot who doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it and kisses him in the face!!! >:(
