Work Text:
To my most beloved Branzy:
I wish I had told you this when I still could; I wish I could have told you this before it was too late, so I am telling you now: I love you.
I love you more than life itself, more than I love anyone, more than I love chaos, destruction, violence and conflict. More than I love power and more than I love winning.
I truly, truly love you more than I have ever loved, love and will ever love anyone or anything else.
I wish I had told you this; I wish I had told you that I would do anything for you, would do anything to make you happy.
I know it’s too late now, but I just need to tell you, need you to know that I would have dropped lifesteal, violence and war, pvp and weapons, hell, my power for you. I would have retired to a life of peace far away from here and never touched a weapon again outside of defending you, had you even shown the slightest hint that that is what you wanted.
I wish I could have told you, but you have to understand that I was scared. I am scared. but I need you to know.
I've been writing this, on and off, whenever I have enough energy to do so. It has gotten to a point that I can barely even stand, can barely stay conscious for longer than an hour or so. I can't even keep down any food anymore and I am afraid that this is it.
I'm going to die and I've made my peace with it. Or at least that is what I wish I could say, what I wish was the truth.
But truthfully, I am scared. Truthfully, I have many regrets. Most of them tie back to you.
If I had to say, I'd say my biggest regret is never having told you this. In retrospect, I don't really understand why I never told you.
Perhaps I had thought I would never have to, that it would never come to a point where one of us had to go. This is lifesteal, yes, but I suppose I got too arrogant, believed I was powerful enough to keep both of us alive forever no matter what is thrown at us.
Perhaps, at some point, I was afraid you wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings. I know better now, though. At least I hope so. I know now that you love me back and, truthfully, that has been the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart these past weeks.
When I woke up today, I heard a bird sing. It reminded me of you. So hopeful and kind and in the strangest of places. I never knew songbirds could live in tundras. That’s so like you, too, going against all odds.
Sometimes, I think that you’d be able to save me, like you always do: saving me from myself, saving me from falling apart. Sometimes, I think that just a kiss from you, you being here would fix me, would cure this illness.
But I know that even you can’t save me now. That's why I've been keeping my distance, why I've been ignoring your messages, no matter how hard it got, no matter how tempting it was for me to ask you to come and save me. Because I knew. I knew you can’t save me and I knew you would try anyways, you would try and try and destroy yourself because you’d convince yourself you could save me.
But you can’t.
And I couldn't do that to you. Couldn’t make you come here and see me like this, have you try to save me and break down when you inevitably fail.
I don't want you to suffer because of me.
I am going to die very soon and I wish I could have felt your lips on mine before I go, wish I would have spent more time with you and shown you just how much I love you.
If and when you read this, I've already gone too far and I want you to know that this is not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything about this. you couldn’t have fixed and cured me. And it was never and will never be your fault.
I just. I guess I just want you to live a good life after this. Don’t think about me and blame yourself too much, yeah? And if you do think about me… please use it as motivation to take care of yourself. I am choosing to believe that you’ll take this as well as you can and you’ll take care of yourself because I can't die with peace in me, can’t lay my soul to rest peacefully, if I can't be certain of that.
Consider it my last dying wish, if you will.
Dying is a little scary, but then I think of what you believe happens after death, I think of your gods and how much you value them. It's a little comforting, I think.
I still don’t know whether or not I believe in any god, yet I spend my every waking moment praying that sometime in the future the stars will realign and we will get to meet again, in another lifetime. That one time I will finally know what it feels like to kiss you, to be officially yours. That one time we may actually live in peace.
I'm going to die, but my love for you will never.
With all of the love i will ever be able to feel,
your Clown <3