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(Air to Breathe)
They’re sitting at the table, side by side like they usually do - well, like they used too, Stiles supposes. They’re turned slightly into each other. Normally they would almost be in each other’s laps, stealing food from the other’s plate and laughing and joking. Lately though, their mealtimes have been quieter, more distanced. Some nights they couldn’t even coordinate and Stiles would be in bed by the time Derek got in from the station.
It was a sign that neither of them acknowledged until it couldn’t be ignored.
“So… this new guy- is he handsome?” Stiles asks timidly. Derek sighs as he wipes the condensation from the side of his glass with his thumb. A thumb that would normally be stroking idle patterns across Stiles’ knee under the table while Stiles fed him curly fries or dessert.
“I.. do you really wanna do this? It’s not… uncomfortable for you?”
“Well you’re going into a new relationship, Derek. If you don’t acknowledge the past you’re doomed to repeat it and above all else, I want you to be happy. Even if… even if you couldn’t be with me. I want you to find your new happiness.” Stiles squeezes his hand from where it’s naturally rested on Derek’s shoulder and places it on the table, tapping out a nervous rhythm with his fingers.
“I appreciate that, Stiles. It means a lot how supportive you are of all these.. changes.”
“I know you need it. I don’t want you to have any baggage from our relationship to take into this new one. He deserves that at least. And as long as you’re happy, I’m happy, okay?”
Derek nods. Stiles takes a drink from his beer and looks back at his former love.
“So, is he handsome?”
Derek sighs again, but this time he nods.
“He’s stunning, Stiles. Absolutely breathtaking.”
“Tell him.” Stiles says, so succinctly it catches Derek off guard.
“Huh? Wha-”
“Tell him how handsome he is. You didn’t do that enough with me.” Stiles explains as he reaches over to smooth out Derek’s scrunched eyebrows, “You’re really explosively beautiful, Derek. And sometimes standing next to you is like standing next to the sun.”
“Stiles, you’re beautiful. You know I think you’re gorgeous.” Derek insists as he tilts Stiles’ chin towards him. Stiles -not unkindly- removes his jaw from Derek’s grip and stares into his sparkling eyes.
“I know you thought it, Derek. But tell him, okay? Make sure you say it to the new guy.”
Derek nods as Stiles begins fiddling with the wrapper on his bottle.
“Is he funny, smart? Does he make you laugh? Make you think and question yourself?”
Derek smiles at a small memory and Stiles looks away sheepishly.
“Sometimes I was too hard on you.” Stiles mumbles. Derek looks at him, but says nothing. He simply rests his hand on top of Stiles’, stilling the boy from tapping his way through the wood itself. “I thought that because you were strong and a wolf, that you could handle it when I poked too hard. I was prodding you, and not guiding you.”
Derek opens his mouth to protest, but Stiles shushes him.
“No, let me finish.” Derek nods and Stiles continues, “The new guy… make sure that if he pushes too hard, you tell him, okay? Don’t let him hurt you. Don’t be hurt without telling him. I know that’s hard for you, but you have to trust him enough to know that he’ll care. That he’ll want to take care of you.”
“Stiles, you did poke and prod, but you gave me what I needed. I’ll always appreciate the way you pushed me to be better. That’s your way and it wasn’t always perfect, but it worked-”
“Until it didn’t.” Stiles interrupts. Derek sighs and Stiles places a warm hand on the back of his neck. “Sometimes I went too far. Sometimes I got into my own head and had my own agenda. I got frustrated with my own shortcomings and I took that out on you. Helping and pushing you doesn’t mean you have to take everything. You get to choose what you think is best for you. My only hope was to make you realize that you can choose the best, that you don’t have to settle.”
“Stiles, you did. I didn’t communicate my frustration to you and it usually came out in angry arguments about nothing. I’ll regret that, but I’ll try to learn from it.”
“Good.” Stiles grins and gets up from the table, taking their dishes to the sink. He goes to the fridge and grabs out another beer. He points to the bottle next to it and looks at Derek who is already shaking his head. It’s a move so common and familiar it makes Stiles’ heart lurch in his chest. He wonders if he’ll ever truly have that again.
He goes back to the table and uncaps the beer taking a sip.
“So… have you fucked him yet?”
“Stiles!” Derek says, sputtering on air. The tips of his ears turn pink and Stiles can’t help but grin.
“That was one place we never had problems, wasn’t it? The only place we could ever communicate.” Stiles looks at Derek with mischief in his eyes, “When you fuck him, think of me fondly?”
“Jesus, Stiles.” Derek says as he buries his head in his arms and lays it down on the table. Stiles reaches forward and pats his back, quickly tracing the lines of the triskele through his shirt with his finger. Another little habit that both of them will have to evaluate as Derek heads into his new relationship.
Derek sighs and rests his chin on his forearms as Stiles traces lazily.
“What are you thinking?” Stiles asks, taking another pull from his beer. Derek stills, he always takes a while to gather his thoughts, but after a moment, he just shrugs.
“Nothing.”
“No, Derek.”
Derek sighs and shakes his head, “Stiles, I’m not good at- I never have been. I know it drives you crazy, but I can’t-”
“You are good, and you can.” Stiles pulls Derek up by his shoulder and forces him to make eye contact. “I’m always so fucking loud, and sometimes I talk just to fill up space. You were born with brothers and sisters and noise so you could be quiet. I’m an only child and was a latchkey kid, I only had me and TV to keep me company!”
Derek smiles and squeezes Stiles’ hand. Neither one can remember exactly when he started holding it.
“I rushed you. I see that now. Silence… it makes me nervous. Makes me think that something is missing, in moments of silence I feel like a thing has passed me by. But for you, silence is contemplative. When you do take your time and plan what you want to say, it’s always so poignant and beautiful. I think I was jealous of that sometimes.”
Stiles turns his hand slowly and links their fingers together. “So… tell me. What were you thinking?”
Derek sits back in his chair and crosses his legs at the ankles, putting his free hand behind his head. His whole body seems to exhale with equal parts nerves and relief.
“I was thinking that this is good. I know that what we were doing wasn’t working, but despite that leading to our break… to us no long being-” Derek sighs, but Stiles gives his hand another squeeze allowing Derek to breathe and continue, “I’ll always be happy to have you in my life and I’m glad we’re talking like this. You’re holding me accountable for what went wrong between us, but also taking ownership for your part. I’ll always love you, Stiles. And I’ll always cherish you, and I’ll take the best parts of what we had into this new relationship. And that’s what I was thinking.”
Derek looks at Stiles whose big, whiskey brown eyes are brimming with tears. Derek reaches over gliding his thumb over Stiles’ cheek as Stiles leans into the warmth of Derek’s palm.
“See? Beautiful and poignant, every time.”
Derek grins and leans back, letting go of Stiles’ hand. Stiles clenches his hands before landing it on his knee.
“You’re going to see him tonight?” he asks.
“Yeah, we have a date. Dinner at 8pm sharp. He’s gonna be early. He always gets there ten minutes early and freaks out until I arrive.”
“Sounds like my kind of guy.” Stiles huffs.
Derek chuckles, “Yeah… you’d like him.” Stiles nods minutely as Derek clears his throat.
“So… any other advice?” He asks as Stiles wipes at his eyes and considers his beer bottle again. He stills and then he looks at Derek with unprecedented intensity.
“The second he doesn’t cherish every moment with you, that he doesn’t create the air for you to fucking breathe? The second he lets life’s little distractions pull his attention away from you, or lies to you or doesn’t let you in because of his own insecurities?
“The day that he forgets to tell you he loves you, or he doesn’t tell you how smart and wonderful you are? How lucky he is to have you and how you mean the world to him?
“You come back to me.”
Derek gathers Stiles into his arms, pressing their faces together and mingling their tears. Stiles presses a chaste kiss into the side of Derek’s mouth and finally… lets him go. Derek grabs his jacket and turns to leave.
“Oh, and Derek?” He turns back and looks at Stiles who is facing the sink and looking absently at the dishes inside.
“Yeah, Stiles?”
Stiles looks up at Derek and grins, “Take him flowers. Everyone likes flowers. He’ll like it, even if he acts like he doesn’t.”
Derek smiles and nods before turning to leave.
***
He arrives at the restaurant at 8pm on the dot and as predicted he sees his new lover sitting at the table, eyes flitting nervously over the menu. The young man periodically lifts his head and scans the room, clearly searching for Derek.
They finally lock eyes and the young man releases his bottom lip from where he’s been chewing on it, drawing his mouth into a bright and hopeful smile as Derek approaches the table.
“Hello, Derek.”
“Hello, Stiles… you look stunning.”
***
“I don’t want to break up with you, but we can’t keep doing this! We can’t keep hurting each other!” Derek yells at Stiles who sits stubbornly on the couch with his arms crossed defensively over his chest, pouting into the atmosphere.
“Well if you would just fucking tell me what you want me to do, then we wouldn’t have this problem! You never talk to me, you never let me in!”
“Because you never shut up long enough to hear me!” The two glare at each other defiantly until Stiles deflates. He’s in Derek’s face suddenly and he knows where this leads. Frantic makeouts, mind blowing sex and pretending to forget what they were fighting over.
“We can’t do this anymore, Derek. I don’t want to break up either, but we can’t keep going like this.”
Derek slides down the wall next to Stiles who is sitting on the floor. He reaches over and grabs his hand as they both stare into their living room, into the lives they built. The silence for Stiles is stifling, but suddenly Derek, perks up.
“What if we do break up?” Stiles turns to look at Derek’s face, but instead of seeing hopelessness and resignation he sees a sort of resiliance.
“What do you mean?”
Derek takes a moment to gather his thoughts and then turns to Stiles. “A big part of why we fight is because I brought elements of Jen and Kate in and you brought in bullshit from your exes, but what if we break up and resolve the bad things, but bring the good stuff with us?”
Stiles giggles nervously, trying to piece together what Derek is proposing.
“What? How does that work? I mean-”
“Stiles, shut up and listen.”
Normally Stiles would balk, but he can see the gears turning in Derek’s head. He loves it when he gets like this. He nods and allows Derek to continue.
“So… you and I. We break up, we’re done. But that’s old me, and old you. When we get back together- oh shit, I’m just realizing I should have led with that.”
Stiles huffs out a laugh and exhales, finally getting on board with Derek’s plan.
“Well, yeah, when we get back together it won’t be me, but it will be the me that’s made for you, and you’ll be the you that’s made for me. And we’ll work, because that’s what we do, we just have to remove the bullshit so we fit together the way we’re supposed to.”
“Dammit, Derek. That’s so fucking beautiful, I love it, and I love you. Fuck, I haven’t said that to you in a while, have I?” Stiles asks, reaching forward to run his hands through Derek’s hair. Derek shakes his head.
“No, and it’s just one of many things that we have to talk through while we sort out what we’re going to take and what we’re going to leave.”
“So we’ll talk about our issues and our baggage, then we’ll make a clean break. How do we get back together?”
“I’ll take you out on dates. Get to remeet you, we’ll get to learn about each other without preconceived notions. Maybe we can start with dinner after the break up? Maybe later that week? Give us some space?” Derek suggests. Stiles shakes his head.
“Nope, I say scorched earth, we break up at my house and we go out that night.”
Derek laughs, “Okay, I like that.”
“Will you bring me flowers, Derek?” Stiles asks, suddenly shy.
“You always make fun of me when I bring you flowers.” Derek says suspiciously. Stiles shrugs.
“Yeah, but I still like them. Some things you’re going to have to fucking deal with, Hale.”
“Alright, Stilinski-Hale.” Derek leans forward and kisses Stiles softly on the lips. “So… we’re breaking up?”
Stiles smiles brightly, his eyes glistening in the late afternoon sun that floods in through their window.
“Yeah… we’re breaking up.”
***
“You’re looking very handsome yourself, but you always do. Are those for me?” Stiles asks, indicating the bouquet of dahlias in Derek’s hand.
“Yes, I know dahlias are your favorite.”
Stiles rolls his eyes, “You’re such a fucking dork.”
“Oh? You don’t want them?” Derek says just as Stiles is reaching forward.
“Shut up and give me the fucking bouquet!” Stiles demands with a grin while making grabby hands. Derek relents and Stiles holds the bouquet to his chest. The purple of some of the blooms goes magically with his eyes. Derek can barely stand the beauty in front of him.
“What are you thinking?” Stiles asks when he finally looks up from the bouquet. Derek sighs.
“You take my breath away,” he says taking a step towards Stiles and pulling him forward with a hand placed in the small of Stiles’ back. “But that’s okay, because I remember hearing something about fucking giving me air to breathe?”
Stiles kisses the tip of Derek’s nose and then slots their mouths together, slowly exhaling into Derek’s mouth before tilting his head slightly to turn it into a kiss.
Derek pulls back and beams at his mate, “this is the best breakup I’ve ever had.” He says with a sly smirk. Stiles matches his expression.
“Yeah, you always have great ideas. But I’ve been brainstorming myself.”
Derek narrows his eyes, they’re still holding on to each other, standing beside their table as the waitress hovers awkwardly.
“What? For another breakup?”
Stiles shakes his head, “Nope, you’re forgetting the best part of a breakup.” Stiles grabs Derek by the hips and rubs his erection into Derek’s thigh. Derek’s eyes get wide and the tips of his ears turn pink.
“That’s right, breakup to make-up, baby!”
“Umm, can I get you sirs some water? Or a cold shower?” The waitress trails off after finally approaching the increasingly inappropriate men in the room. Both startle, but recover quickly as Derek gathers up Stiles and pulls him towards the exit.
“Sorry, we’re just leaving!” Derek yells. Stiles laughs into Derek’s neck, but pulls back gasping.
“Derek, my flowers!”
“For fuck’s sake, I’ll buy you new ones.” Derek insists as he drops Stiles off near the entrance.
“But I want those!”
Derek runs back to the table where the waitress is holding out the bouquet. Derek smiles and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a hundred dollar bill for the waitress. He looks back to the entrance where Stiles is getting their coats from coat check and trying desperately not to rub his boner on the check stand.
Yeah, Derek thinks it’s going to work out with this new guy. He really does.