Chapter Text
James’ summer holidays had been nice, really, they had been. And anyway, who would expect anything else from James Potter, golden boy, heir to the Potter fortune and apple of his mother’s eye?
It didn’t matter, to him or anyone else, that now - more than a month into autumn term - he was still struggling to get his parents’ harsh words out of his head. He knew how lucky he was, especially when one of his best friends had insane blood purists for parents, and another had a single mother who was struggling to keep her feet on the ground and her head above the poverty line. That didn’t change the fact, however, that he had to bite his lips until they bled at night to stop tears from escaping. It also didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t relax, not ever, not properly.
He took a deep, shaking breath in, put his glasses back on and stood up, running a hand through his unkempt hair. The air around the astronomy tower was surprisingly serene, a lot calmer than usual, and not at all reflecting James’ spinning mind. He glanced one more time at the view from the tower; the lake was a deep blue, reflecting the October sky, and the leaves were slowly starting to drop from their trees, curling up and shrivelling as they turned from green to brown.
His shoes made quiet tapping noises as he hurried down the stairs and towards his History of Magic lesson. He moved quickly, clutching his messenger back to his side, knowing he couldn’t afford a detention for being late because of Quidditch practice that weekend.
Luckily, he arrived at his lesson just as the students were entering the classroom and he fell into step alongside Sirius and Remus, his signature grin plastered on his face. Sirius smirked at him, speaking quietly, “We missed you at lunch, mate.”
“Yeah,” James replied as he took a seat between Sirius and Peter, “Got caught up with McGonagall again.” The lie flowed easily from his lips, like water in a stream, and he leaned over to get his things out of his bag, grateful to be able to avoid eye contact without arousing any kind of suspicion or concern.
Sirius nodded, accepting the excuse, and a moment later Professor Binns emerged from the blackboard, signalling the start of the lesson. The students easily fell into a state of boredom as the class progressed, and James found himself absentmindedly staring into space, fiddling with the corner of his parchment and listening to the scratching of quills.
His mind turned, as it so often did nowadays, to his parents, and how shameful he felt because he was already beginning to dread going home for Christmas, even though it was only October. The pressure was starting to get to him, believe it or not, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep himself going- but no, he couldn’t stop, he had to be good, a good friend, a good son, even a good student, to a degree at least. McGonagall had already informed him that he was a promising contender for Quidditch captain next year, and everyone who knew him was expecting him to be head boy, if not next year then the year after. He knew his parents were expecting the best from him, they didn’t exactly make an effort to hide it, and, though he would never admit it to anyone, he was absolutely and completely terrified of disappointing them, of not being good enough.
Sirius abruptly brought him back to reality by poking him harshly in the side with his wand. James furrowed his brow, looking over at him and letting a small smirk play on his lips, “What?”
The long haired boy let out a short laugh, looking at James with his silvery-blue eyes, “You just looked really out of it mate,” Sirius’ face morphed into a small frown, “It’s not about Lily, is it? You said you were over that shit.”
James sighed. Lily, right. After lots of deliberation, and violently romantic love declarations in front of way too many people, James had decided to finally give her up. Really, it hadn’t been his choice, Lily coming out to him as a lesbian certainly had been the catalyst when making the decision. He was happy for her, but it had left him feeling slightly empty inside, he couldn’t help the little voice in the back of his head asking if he really was that unlovable.
It was irrational, he knew that much, it wasn’t that Lily had some kind of hatred towards him in particular, it was that she literally didn’t like men at all. This wasn’t at all her fault, no, it was all James’.
He shook his head, pushing his circular glasses further up his nose. “No, no, it’s not about her. I’m just bored, Padfoot.” He looked down at his blank parchment, cracking his knuckles and picking up his quill for the first time in the lesson.
Sirius sighed, shoving his hastily scrawled notes over to him “Here you go, mate. It’s the history of the Ministry today, apparently.”
James looked at him thankfully and began jotting down the notes in his own cramped handwriting. “Thanks, appreciate it.”
“Don’t thank me, thank Remus,” Sirius murmured, smiling and stifling a quiet laugh, “I copied all of this from him. I don’t know what was going through my head when I chose fucking history of magic for an O.W.L.”
James chuckled, nodding. He shouldn’t have expected anything else.
At the end of the day, James skipped dinner and instead slipped away from his friends unnoticed, headed to the astronomy tower. He knew that disappearing twice in one day would arouse suspicion, but all he could really think about was the lump in his throat and the weight pressing down on his lungs, preventing him from breathing. Curled in a ball on the top of the tower, he let out an embarrassing whimpering sound, the sound made just before someone bursts into tears. A stifled sob escaped from his lips as tears began to make their way down his face, and he quickly rubbed at them with the sleeves of his robes, even though there was no-one around to see.
Only the stars watched James as he cried at the top of the tower, changing intermittently from sobbing to silent tears, gazing on as he took small, gasping breaths in an attempt to calm himself down.
He abruptly registered how lightheaded he felt and realised belatedly that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. A hand made its way into his hair, gripping it tightly as he realised how much time he was wasting. He could be studying right now, or at least doing something more fucking productive than pathetically crying to himself about his non-existent problems at the top of the astronomy tower.
Suddenly getting to his feet, he forced himself to suck in a deep breath, rubbing his chest with one hand in a pitiful attempt to get more air into his lungs as he leaned against the wall and scrubbed at his tear tracks with his other. Dinner would be finished by now, he’d missed out on it just like lunch, but perhaps that wasn’t the worst thing to happen. He brushed imaginary dirt off his robes and headed for the Gryffindor common room, intent on forgetting about the whole affair.
Entering the common room shortly later, his eyes quickly picked out his friends and he made his way over to them, engineering a perfect smile. He sat down in between Sirius and Marlene, fiddling with the strap of his bag.
“James!” Peter, who was seated on a sofa opposite James, squashed between Mary and Remus, exclaimed, “Where the hell were you? You were with us one minute, then you weren’t, and we didn’t see you at dinner!”
James smiled, rubbing his nose and wracking his brains for a lie. He knew it had to be convincing, considering he’d missed lunch as well.
“Oh, yeah, there was this little first year upset in the corridor. She was upset or hurt or something, I took her to the hospital wing then I got dinner from the kitchens ‘cos it was closer.”
Peter nods, speaking teasingly, “Oh, I see. Well you are our future head boy of course, so it's good to see you put so much effort into helping the first years. Ten points to Gryffindor.” The boy had always had an uncanny capability to imitate McGonagall’s voice, right from when he and James had first met.
James flicked a balled up Honeydukes wrapper at him, ignoring the indignant ‘Oy!’ that followed, and let out a small laugh, settling into the warm ambiance of the common room. Soon, he and Sirius fell into easy conversation, something about a prank that Sirius was planning that involved a bucket and some weird enchanted slime.
It wasn’t until the next morning that James was reminded of his own failures once again, when he received a somewhat strongly worded letter from his parents.
James,
Me and your father have been notified by your head of house about your slipping grades, and we’re certainly disappointed. This is not the behaviour of a future head boy, or even a future Quidditch captain, I think deep down you know that. You know that we always try to be understanding with you, son, but it’s getting difficult. You’ve always been a bright boy, James, and me and your father hoped to watch you flourish into a bright young man, but we’re concerned that you won’t succeed in that, with the way your grades are dropping like they are.
Please take greater care with your school work from now on, James. I will write again soon,
Mum
James crumpled up the letter and shoved it into his bag, determined to ignore the growing feeling of dread in his stomach as his friends around him tucked into their breakfast. He picked at his marmalade-smeared toast, taking small bites, any appetite he previously had suddenly vanished and replaced with a sick feeling in the back of his throat.
Sirius huffed from across the table and James looked up from his plate to see him clutching a letter himself. The letter was on thin parchment, and the sun shining down from the faux morning sky allowed James to see the swirling handwriting on the other side, the side that Sirius was currently glaring at.
Remus nudged Sirius’ shoulder from next to him, gazing at him with that soft look that seemed reserved for him and him alone. “What is it? Are your parents being cunts again?” His voice was quiet, smooth, and hadn’t quite lost its sleepy quality yet. Remus had always known how to read Sirius well, and James couldn’t help but be envious. He knew, or at least he had convinced himself, that no-one would ever care for him like that, no-one would ever love him like that, romantic or else.
“Yeah,” Sirius murmured, shoving the letter into his pocket with a sour expression on his face, “It’s nothing too bad, just the same shit you know? I’m just so fucking tired of it.”
Remus hummed in agreement, patting his shoulder with a soft look on his face. “You’ll be free of them soon, Sirius.”
Sirius huffed, rolling his eyes and picking up his goblet of orange juice, fidgeting with his fingers. “What about you, Prongs? Was that from your mum?”
James blinked, nodding and rubbing his nose, “Yeah, yeah.” He lets out a weak laugh, trying to pull his normal smile onto his face but not quite managing it. “She’s already talking about me coming home for Christmas.”
The dark haired boy across from him smiled fondly, nodding and taking a sip of his juice. A moment later, Peter arrived, with news of a girl he was taking to Hogsmeade and James let his normal facade fall over his face, almost glueing his expression into a cheerful smile as he occasionally slipped amusing comments into the conversation.
James separated from the group after breakfast, the other three headed to Care of Magical Creatures and James himself headed to Herbology. The grounds looked beautiful in the autumnal morning light, enchanted flowers sparkling in the sunshine like stars in the night sky. James was walking through the cool air, humming quietly to himself, when he was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by a smooth voice coming from somewhere behind him.
“I saw you crying last night.”
James spun around, his eyes landing on Regulus, who was standing a few feet away from him, and attempted to decide on an adequate response. “What?” Seemed to be all his mind could come up with, but luckily there was no-one else around to witness the embarrassing display.
“I saw you crying last night, on the astronomy tower. I wanted to see if you were ok?” Regulus responded, fiddling with one of the sleeves of his robes and looking slightly awkward. James furrowed his brow, not understanding for the life of him what Regulus was getting at, “Yes, I-” He momentarily cut himself off, still bewildered with the situation, “I’m fine. Anyway, why would you care? You hate me for Merlin’s sake.”
He turned, pushing his glasses further up his nose, intending to finish the walk to the greenhouses and leave the confusing conversation there.
“I don’t.” Came the sudden reply, and James whipped around to face the Slytherin boy again. “I don’t hate you. I tried to, after you stole my brother, but I couldn’t quite manage it. I just- I don’t want you to be sad, James.”
With that, Regulus turned around and began walking back up to the castle, leaving James frowning in confusion at his slowly disappearing silhouette. Eventually, he blinked and turned around once more, continuing his trek to the greenhouses in bewildered silence. His Herbology lesson passed in a daze, despite the words from this morning’s letter echoing in the back of his head ‘...about your slipping grades and we’re certainly disappointed…’, but he just couldn’t bring himself to focus, his mind completely concentrated on Regulus’ words from earlier.
He was paired with a giggly Ravenclaw girl, and the two were put to the task of pruning a vicious purple plant with blue thorns and a mind of its own. The mindless chattering from his partner and the difficult job at hand made it very easy for James to stay silent, to not have to worry about telling jokes and being the lead in the conversation for once. All he could think about was Regulus, the way he had appeared out of nowhere and claimed, without using as many words, that he was worried about him. What? James’ own friends weren’t worried about him (though granted, they hadn’t seen the way he had sobbed at the top of the astronomy tower) but Regulus of all people was?
James half-heartedly contemplated not going back to the tower, now knowing that the darker haired boy had seen him there, but ultimately decided against it, as Regulus had shown no malicious intentions, and from what Sirius had told him, he didn’t seem all that bad.
When the class finally ended he was certainly glad of it, so he could be away from the stifling air of the greenhouses and the relentless hinting from the Ravenclaw girl about going to Hogsmeade together, and he quickly returned to the castle in order to get to his next lesson on time.
It wasn’t until that night when he saw Regulus again. He was back at the top of the astronomy tower, watching the stars slowly begin to reveal themselves in the dimming evening sky, and the moon as it began to peek its head over the horizon.
“They’re pretty, aren’t they?” Regulus spoke as he joined James in leaning over the parapet and turning his head up to the sky.
James, after getting over the surprise of Regulus seemingly materialising from mid air again, turned his head, drinking in his appearance and the way his hair moved gently with the breeze. “Yeah, they are…” He murmured in agreement, unable to take his eyes off the boy in front of him. Something came over James as Regulus turned his head to make eye contact with him, their faces closer than they ever had been before, closer than they ever should have been, considering that this was his best friend's little brother.
James had never paid much attention to Regulus’ appearance before, his greeny-blue eyes, sharp jawline and the constellations of freckles that were dotted around his face. Regulus had always seemed stony, cold, his heart appeared as impenetrable as his family’s Gringotts fault, but now James could see a certain softness to his features that he had never noticed before.
He blinked, turning his face up to the sky and swallowing harshly to try and seem normal. The sun was dipping below the horizon, spreading its last rays of light into a mosaic of oranges and reds and the lone silhouette of a bird flew over the forbidden forest.
James cracked a smile and cleared his throat, glancing over at Regulus before looking back up at the stars. “Which one’s yours then?”
Regulus laughed quietly, lifting his arm and pointing a slender finger towards the sky, “It’s over there. It’s the brightest star in the Leo constellation.”
Squinting his eyes, James attempted to follow Regulus’ ringed finger up into the sky, “Which one?”
Regulus took a step closer to him, taking James’ hand in his own and carefully pointed it up at the sky, bringing his head close to his. “It’s over there, you see it?”
James had frozen, all he could think about was Regulus’ body pressed against his, his hand circling his wrist. He nodded stiffly, looking carefully at the sky as Regulus spoke softly in his ear. “Yeah, yeah I do. I can see it.”
Regulus let go of James’ hand and stepped away, “It’s actually four stars, it just looks like one.”
He shivered slightly as Regulus stepped away, already missing the warmth that his body provided, “Really?”
He watched as the other boy nodded, smiling at him. James took a breath in, rubbing his nose and working up to answering the question that had been on his mind since their last conversation. “What did you mean earlier? When you said you couldn’t hate me?”
“I just… You’re a very difficult person to hate, James. I tried to hate you.” Regulus paused, biting his lip and fidgeting with the silver rings that adorned his fingers. “I hated that you stole my brother away from me. It felt like he didn’t care about me anymore, you know? You were all he wanted, he didn’t need me anymore. But, I mean, we never really spoke properly, but any time we did, you were always just so nice.” He let out a soft laugh, “I didn’t know what to do with it.”
James felt something in his stomach twist. What did Regulus mean? “I- Regulus…” He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what Regulus wanted him to say. Running a hand through his hair, he swallowed roughly and opened his mouth to speak, before closing it again.
“It was just family stuff, that's why I was crying. Family stuff and, like… school.”
Regulus paused for a second, trying to figure out what he meant, “Oh, right.” He paused again, a slightly awkward look passing over his face, “I’m sorry for… whatever’s happened.”
James nodded, huffing out a breath. “Yeah, it’s fine, I was just being dramatic really, it’s not that bad.”
“It’s gotta be pretty bad if it’s making you cry like that.”
Suddenly James felt the familiar lump in his throat, the sinking feeling in his stomach. No-one had ever said anything remotely like that to him before. “Well, I don’t know. I should probably get going, anyway. I promised Peter I’d help him with his transfiguration essay and it’s due tomorrow.”
He stepped back, taking a shaky breath in, and, without waiting for a response, left the tower, leaving Regulus alone with the stars.