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“If only I hadn’t met Takatsuki.”
The words on the page stared back at Hinami, telling her what she’d known for some time now. If she hadn’t received that card with that number on it, she wouldn’t have been absorbed into the Tree as nutrients. She wouldn’t have killed so many Doves— so many people with families. She wouldn’t have been a part of the Tree’s scouting unit and been falsely claimed as one of their best.
(She was just so weak, after all.)
Even if she had been separated from Banjou, if she didn’t have that white card—
Hinami threw the notebook across the room. It slapped against the metal wall with a thump, and she collapsed against her own, staring up at the ceiling. She saw the camera in the corner, always watching her and always listening to her.
She wondered what it was like being the watcher instead of the watched. What was it like, seeing hundreds upon thousands of ghouls caged like animals with little to do besides draw, read, and write? She’d heard about wardens beating some of the detainees out of boredom, and that was how ghouls like Yamori were born, but they didn’t seem to be around in her time here. She was thankful for that much.
But now she was out of time. Aogiri’s ranks had changed too fast for her to prove her worth, and she was silent where she could have provided unique insight. She didn’t want to drag people into a mistake that was solely her own.
… None of that mattered now, did it? She knew the day she would die now, and all that was left to do was wait. There was nowhere left for her to go but downstairs where the crushers were. There, her life as a soulless tool of death would begin.
(Then again, she’d been that for a while now, hadn’t she?)
She hugged her knees, trembling where she sat.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to disappear.
I don’t want this.
I never wanted this.
Is this the price of strength? Is this my punishment?
The notebook seemed to stare at her across the cell, cradling its answer just within sight. She wanted to cry, but not even sobs could come out.
If only I hadn’t met—
It was the same café as last time, but this time, there was no Tsukiyama getting up to sniff his handkerchief in the bathroom, no house in the 6th ward to leave, and no goodbye to Jiro and the others: just Hinami and a payphone, followed by the lonely sound of her own footsteps.
“Hina.”
Ms. Takatsuki’s voice snapped her out of it. “Oh! Y-Yes?”
“You look pale,” the older woman asked. “Have you eaten at all today?”
Food. The source of the curse that marked one as a ghoul. One body a month on average. One human life. Hinami had read plenty of books these past six months, and a few of them posed a question: ‘What is the worth of a human life?’ Those must have been written by humans, because every ghoul was required to quantify the thing if they wanted to survive.
The answer to Ms. Takatsuki’s question must have been on Hinami’s face, because she shook her head in disapproval. “That’s no good,” she chastised. “Growing girls like you need to eat, or you’ll never get strong.”
“… You’re right. I’m sorry…” Hinami mumbled as if she were in trouble.
It was true to a degree. Ken was missing, and there were Anteiku refugees filling out the other wards and carrying the worst news possible. Another successful Dove operation, they whispered, one that destroyed Anteiku and scattered everyone. No one knew if they were safe or identified, and it was best to lay low until more info came out. But there were a few facts: All Devil Apes and Black Dobers were eradicated, Aogiri had captured the manager, and too many reported seeing a certain one-eyed ghoul amidst the chaos.
“So?” The way she said it, it was like Ms. Takatsuki could read Hinami’s mind. “Tell me why we’re here, Hina.”
Oh. Right. She was human. Hinami had nearly forgotten that a famous author didn’t run in the same circles as ghouls. Stupid, really, but something about Ms. Takatsuki struck her to think as such.
“Well, I…” Hinami chose her words carefully. “Ke— Kaneki’s missing.”
There was a pause. “Is he now?”
Hinami nodded. “It’s… I don’t know where he is, and I’m worried.”
“…”
“He went to help—” Touka and the others at Anteiku— “our friends a while back, but I haven’t heard anything since, and—”
“And you’re afraid of the worst,” Ms. Takatsuki finished, her gaze somewhere else.
Hinami nodded again, and it was then that she finally noticed it: the reason why she thought Ms. Takatsuki was a ghoul. Something she was surprised she hadn’t caught sooner.
She smelled like Ken.
Not that she smelled the strange way Ken did— Hinami wasn’t nearly bold enough to dissect that— but the lingering scent of her big brother, weeks old at this point, was on the author. She remembered he would often go out alone the week before the raid, then come back with a spring in his step. It was refreshing, but she regretted not questioning why.
“It’s a strange scent, isn’t it?”
Hinami blinked and clasped her hands together. “W-What? I-I don’t—”
Ms. Takatsuki grabbed them without warning. Her hands were as cold as ice. “We really ought to do something about this habit of yours,” she murmured, prying them apart by the fingers. “Smarter people will take advantage of you.”
“M-Ms. Takatsuki…?”
It seemed to snap the author out of a trance, and she grinned as she put her hands up. “Oops! I’ve been a little occupied myself, to tell the truth, but we’re talking about you.”
“But— Okay…”
“Have you contacted the police? They’ve got a whole system for missing persons.”
Hinami shook her head.
“Oh? Why not?”
Her hands threatened to creep together again, but she stopped and dropped them to her sides. “I-I can’t.”
“Is that so…” Now Ms. Takatsuki’s gaze turned strange. Hinami felt like a deer caught in headlights, or like she was caught in the crosshairs of a sniper rifle. “So Kaneki’s been missing for a while, and you are, for one reason or another, unable to rely on the very system designed to find him…”
Hinami felt her stomach twist.
“You’re a lucky girl, Hina, that you told me.” Ms. Takatsuki took off her glasses, exposing the truly piercing jades behind them. “I’m sure you realize how your story sounds to anyone else.”
“M-Ms. Takatsuki, what—”
“It’s Eto, actually.” She stood up. “And I think I can help you, Hina.”
And the missing piece revealed itself.
“We have a ghoul in custody believed to be the leader of the Aogiri Tree.”
Hinami snapped to attention. What? Who in the world would—
She closed her eyes and focused. Her ears and nose reached beyond her cell, ascending the levels of Cochlea. She shut out everyone inside, only focusing on the entrance. There were guards. Lots of them, wearing facial masks, carrying firearms loaded with RC suppressants. Leading them, dressed in black, was—
No, no, focus. Who were they taking? Hats, suits, belts with firearms— restraints made of quinque steel. The type used in Cochlea. Wrapped around the body like a straitjacket. A short individual, with shorter hair.
The unmistakable scent of hibiscus flowers.
It was her.
Takatsuki. Eto. Here. In Cochlea. Not on Rushima. Not with the others. Yumitsu, Miza, Naki— Ayato. Why? Why was she here? She let herself get arrested? For what reason? Hinami knew about the ongoing extermination operation. Was everyone in Aogiri— good and bad alike— going to…?
And then the one leading her to her cell. It was him. He was here. Hinami didn’t understand. After six months without visits, six months of wondering what he’d been up to, he’d finally returned here with— with Eto?
What was going on?
“Your diet’s changed, Hina,” Eto said one day.
It’d been about six months since she had dragged Hinami into Aogiri, and a few weeks since she’d brought Hinami her first pound of ghoul flesh. The idea was to strengthen her kagune, if not completely go down the kakuja route. But Hinami couldn’t take it anymore, and went behind Eto’s back to sample the Dove meat that regular members divvied amongst themselves.
Hinami looked down in shame. “I-I’m sorry. I just can’t—”
“This was never going to be easy, you know.”
“I know—”
“You didn’t. You thought you did, but you can’t even choke down one simple ghoul. Now that you can actually see the winding path to the strength you desire, you’ve elected to ignore it.” Eto swung her legs idly, doling out her insults like candy. “You’ll never understand Kaneki; you really are too different from him.”
Hinami bit her lip and remained silent. At this rate, she’d never be strong enough to protect what mattered. She’d just be the same pathetic girl in the rain, too helpless to fight and save her own mother. What a joke.
“Hinami.” Eto’s tone was firm, and it made Hinami look up. “Dogs are not wolves. It’s not a matter of whether or not it should galavant about with them; it’s whether or not it can and survive among them.”
“B-But I—!” No, no, no. There was nowhere left for her to go. She’d turned her back on her past, hadn’t she? “I don’t… I can still—!”
“You’re a kind, stubborn girl with a big heart.” It sounded like an insult coming from Eto’s lips. “It’s clear nothing will change that.”
“No, I’m not—”
“Do you think I’m stupid, Hina?”
“… No…” Hinami thought other things about her, though.
“Ayato’s been covering your kills. I’ve been watching.” Eto took a few steps back. “There’s no place for the weak here.”
“…”
“Do you even want to protect Kaneki when you find him? Or do you just want to return to those days where he protected you?” The older woman, despite being shorter, towered over Hinami then. “You don’t deserve what you can’t keep from others.”
Six months ago, Hinami would have burst into tears if someone told her that, but now, she only shuddered. She’d fled her old nest— fled Banjou, Tsukiyama, Ichimi, Sante, and Jiro— so that she could grow stronger. So that she could finally earn her keep instead of being given it out of—
Eto sighed. “Tatara said that the 18th ward is nearly under Aogiri’s control. Their leader, Triple Blade Miza, is an adept scout with years of experience.”
— pity. “Thank you,” Hinami mumbled.
She heard Ayato and his unit arrive on the property. He had Banjou, Ichimi, Sante, and Jiro accompanying him. They were going to attempt a rescue. Away from Rushima. Away from Yumitsu, Miza, and Naki. Aogiri was falling apart.
The Tree was rotting.
The alarms went off, and the fighting broke out soon after, but the one who opened the entrance to Hinami’s cell wasn’t Ayato or Banjou or anyone she might have expected.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” Ken said, with a familiar sad smile on his face. “Let’s get out of here.”
Rage. Joy. Sadness.
All these emotions and more flooded Hinami’s system. Ken was back. He was back, but… he seemed so much sadder. He seemed so much more stuck. Because she recognized that smile on his face. It was the same smile he gave her before he left her.
She staggered to her feet.
What should she say? What should she do? It was him. She should be happy. This was what she wanted, right?
She stumbled across the cell.
But Sasaki… Sasaki seemed happy too. He had friends. He had a family. He was loved and respected in the CCG. But for Ken to return, those things had to be taken away. Because Ken was someone who slingshotted into the past. Ken was the type to overcompensate, make up for the past by sacrificing the present.
Hinami slapped him as hard as she could.
“Why… are you here?” she asked slowly, failing to hold back the tears in her eyes.
Why haven’t you learned?
“You’re…”
You’re just doing the same thing again, aren’t you?
“Y-You’re an investigator…”
You’re leaving me.
He didn’t say anything for a moment. The alarms continued to blare. Humans and ghouls continued to fight each other, continued to kill each other, with no one winning in the end.
Leaving all of us.
“This is my last job,” he finally said, touching his chin. “We should go…”
Hinami heard the reaper swinging his scythe a few floors above. Ayato was engaging him and fading fast. With him were two others. If she concentrated, she could almost believe they were—
She took a shaky breath. “How are we getting out?”
He led her down the hall and told her about the drainage port. Floor after floor, hallway after hallway. It felt like hours, even in the chaos of battle. The halls all looked the same, enough to drive anyone crazy.
They ran into a strange investigator, and she stabbed him with her kagune. He smelled like a pâté, but he also smelled like Ken. There wasn’t enough time to dwell on it. They ran past him.
Ken left her. Again. She sank against the wall. Still weak. Still helpless. Still—
“Hinami? Hinami!!”
She looked up again, and it was Ayato. He ran to her, and she almost thought he was gonna hug her, but it never came. Instead, he put his hand on her shoulder as always, and the gesture meant everything.
“Sorry I’m late…” he apologized with a smile. “Let’s go home.”
Hinami nodded and looked at who he brought. She froze. She had been right.
“T-Touka…” she whispered. “Yomo…”
Yomo looked just like she remembered, if a little bit beaten up. And Touka… Touka was ethereal. She seemed so much stronger than before. Stronger than Hinami, certainly. Could she have been like that if she’d stayed? Instead of something so pitiful and weak, could she have been beautiful?
If only I—
Touka came up to her, raised her hands, and pinched Hinami’s cheek. “Idiot,” she said simply, grinning.
No need for words, or punishment, or anything. Touka was just glad she was safe.
The tears flowed freely. It didn’t matter whether or not she was beautiful; she missed Touka and the others so much more, and they were here for her. “I-I’m sorry…”
But reunions couldn’t last too long. They found Banjou, who gave one of his nostalgic bear hugs, and she laughed in his arms. After, they disabled the compactor and headed to the room itself. Once they were through, they would be in the sewers, finally free. Hinami would live. Her punishment was over.
The compactors themselves were so much larger than she imagined. As she ran, Hinami wondered how many ghouls had met their end being crushed by the quinque steel cylinders. How many quinques had been made. How she might have screamed if she’d met the same fate.
… She heard something. Black suits, and someone she thought she had killed.
Typing.
Undoing.
Reactivating.
The cylinders came to life and rushed forward. Hinami turned to Touka, Yomo, Ayato, Banjou, Jiro, Sante, Ichimi, the Gas Masks, the remnants of Aogiri, as the space closed, the air rushed out of her lungs, the end result—
Footsteps. Lighter than air, almost like a bird taking flight.
A familiar flash of green inserting itself into her vision.
The sound of crunching steel, and the crackling of kagune.
No one died. Everyone was safe.
Amidst the ruins of quinque steel and kagune, Hinami looked up at a familiar, massive kakuja. Ayato caught her before she could fall from the shock.
“Why would Eto…?” Banjou wondered aloud, before shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. We gotta go, guys!”
But Hinami kept staring. Maybe to Banjou, it didn’t make sense. Maybe even Ayato couldn’t understand it. Because they didn’t know. You can’t understand what you don’t know. You can’t understand what you don’t spend time with.
“I think Kaneki… is the type of person who wants to be loved.”
In hindsight, it was so obvious.
“He pretends to be strong, but he’s deeply afraid of solitude.”
For a moment, she was fourteen again, sitting in a coffee shop and denying what Shuu was obsessing over in the bathroom.
“He’s a different kind of person from you.”
A flash of green approached her that day, like how a storm approached a raft, and started her journey down the rabbit hole and into the abyss beyond.
“There’s nothing you can do.”
“Hinami,” Ayato said, gripping her shoulder. “Let’s get going.”
She blinked. “R-Right…”
She gave the kakuja one last glance before running.
If only…