Work Text:
From: [Shie💚❤️] How r u & the world's longest booty call doing?
Zed snorts a laugh into his morning coffee as he checks his phone, rolling his eyes at Shieda's backhanded bi-weekly attempts to touch base. He's grateful for it, even if the kid can't seem to shake the chip on his shoulder that he's had since he was a teenager.
He's a good kid though, him and Akali both. They got lucky.
“Shieda says 'hi',” he tells Shen, who looks extra fine this morning with his reading glasses on as he peruses the newspaper across the table.
“Does he now?” Shen throws him a disbelieving half smirk, letting the corner of the paper flop down to properly convey the accompanying eyebrow arch. “In those words precisely?”
Zed grins back, shrugging. “More or less.”
“Heh... punk.”
To: [Shie💚❤️] We're fine. Went to see the lights in town now that we've got some snow. It was awfully romantic. I can send you the link for tickets if you want to bring your gentleman caller(s).
That'll get him riled up for sure. Shieda has always insisted that he doesn't need anybody, but if the rather scandalous photos he's seen in the paper are any indication, he's getting along quite well with his new friends.
“Should I tell him hello for you?”
“Tell him you found Grindr on my phone and ask what it is,” Shen grunts back, “I'm sure he'll have an aneurysm.”
“And people think you're the voice of reason.” Zed shakes his head, rubbing between his eyebrows as he contemplates poking the bear that is their oldest child.
From: [Shie💚❤️] 'gentleman callers' lol ur so old
From: [Shie💚❤️] he better be taking u somewhere nice
From: [Shie💚❤️] … glad u had fun
To: [Shie💚❤️] Shen says hi. Are you planning on coming home soon? You could bring a friend or five, we'll make dinner.
From: [Shie💚❤️] what kind of dinner
To: [Shie💚❤️] Whatever you want? You know he can cook all your favorites.
“Shieda is coming for dinner, dear. We'll need to get groceries.”
“When?” Shen sets the paper down and pulls out his notes app, sliding the reading glasses down the end of his nose. “And what are we making?”
“Don't know yet.”
A flicked glance in his direction, distinctly amused. “Then how do you know he's coming for dinner?”
“I know our boy.”
From: [Shie💚❤️] k. somebody has to remind him what commitment looks like.
From: [Shie💚❤️] make that meat pie shit & I'll bring Rhaast
From: [Shie💚❤️] next thurs?
To: [Shie💚❤️] Will do, see you then, love you!
From: [Shie💚❤️] k... same
“Well?”
“Next Thursday, and he wants your 'meat pie shit'.” He delivers the message with air quotes and a grin, loving the way Shen's eyes roll – the exact way he's willing to bet Shieda was angling for. He knows damn well that Shen's grandmother's recipe is a point of pride, one not to be taken lightly.
The little shit takes after Shen when it comes to interpersonal communication after all, though they'd never admit it.
Which is half the reason they've kept up this stupid running joke for the better part of a decade – like Shieda doesn't know that he and Shen have been married for almost thirty years, albeit under fake names, with the exception of that early year they separated, both too stupid and prideful to compromise.
Fortunately, their previous line of work has a way of clarifying priorities – and watching his partner get shot on a mission and almost die made things like fighting over grand ideals seem... insignificant.
Needless to say, they'd gotten out of the business. Settled down, adopted some kids – separately so as to not arouse suspicion. They’ve long since moved into 'consulting' now, and running the martial arts studio.
So who can really blame them if they don't have the wedding photos to show for it? It's not like they could have afforded to be photographed at all back then, let alone together, when they both had a bounty on their heads higher than the GDP of a small nation-state.
Kids these days and their priorities – everything documented, everything for show. Can't just have the nicer subtle things.
Then again, the kid has purple hair and a demon for a lover – he certainly didn't get that from them.
“Ask Akali to come too.” Shen grunts as he taps out a reminder to get groceries. “She'll probably be busy, but you know her feelings will be hurt if we don't.”
“Mmm, I don't know how anyone can think you're anything but a softie.”
To: [Kali💜💜] Care to join us for dinner next Thursday? Your brother and his demon-husband will be there.
From: [Kali💜💜] which 1 lol
From: [Kali💜💜] can't – gonna b at a gig
From: [Kali💜💜] next time?
To: [Kali💜💜] Of course, anytime! Love you.
From: [Kali💜💜] love u too
Shen catches his sigh as he puts his phone down and offers him a commiserating smile.
“Busy?”
“Yeah.”
He reaches across the table and settles his hand on Zed's - warm, scarred, and steady as ever.
“They've grown up fast, huh?”
“Too fast.” Zed shakes his head and twines their fingers together. “At least we can still lure them home with food sometimes.”
Shen huffs a laugh, rough thumb stroking Zed's own. He's got that playful gleam in his eyes, the one that belies the salt and pepper years catching up with them. “I can think of something else that would get them home... if you're up for accelerating the timeline of a mission.”
Zed can't help but grin back at him, weak as ever to his partner in everything. “Oh, and what type of mission do you have in mind this time, sir?”
“ I hope they made it with extra meat,” Rhaast rumbles through their chest, sending Kayn nearly bouncing on his toes in anticipation as they crunch their way up the driveway. Rhaast has always been a slut for Shen's cooking, ever since Kayn staggered back home like a wet cat – freshly possessed and starving – and was presented with a bowl of stew and hardly a whiff of judgment.
He calls that one 'apology stew' now – despite the fact that Shen insists he had nothing to apologize for at the time, and that it should be called 'wayward brat stew'.
Zed refers to it as 'idiots stew', because he thinks he's funny.
“ To be fair, he often is.”
“Don't tell him that,” Kayn groans, scrubbing his mitten across his face, “He thinks highly enough of himself already.”
“ Must run in the family.”
“ You think I'm pretty great too.”
“ For a mutt.”
He scoffs as he kicks the snow off his boots and pushes inside without knocking. Why would he knock? It's still pretty much his house, even if he hasn't lived there in... a while. Even if they've had their rocky patches, it's not like he can't come back any time.
“Sup geezers, I'm back!”
“In the kitchen-” His dad's voice floats from down the hallway, and damn it smells good in there. Definitely worth skipping out on pizza and movie night with the guys – he's pretty sure it was Ezreal's turn to pick anyway and he's got shit taste.
He peels his boots and coat off and leaves them in the middle of the entryway, just because he knows it annoys them, then strolls inside to find his two favorite eternally cohabiting old men.
“Our favorite son has arrived.” Shen smirks at him over his shoulder from where he's checking something in the oven.
“ And you favorite son-in-law,” Rhaast chimes in, broadcasting glee at the way Kayn's cheeks heat from the statement.
“Yeah, yeah, worship me.” He sniffs the air as he shuffles over to hug his dad, who is all decked out in his ridiculous frilly apron of course, then nudges Shen's foot with his own. “Smells good.”
“There'll be leftovers,” Zed assures him, already fishing out the tupperware containers.
“ There might be leftovers.” Rhaast corrects him, because not only is he a demon, he's also apparently a tapeworm with a bottomless stomach when he wants to be.
“Son-in-law, eh?” Shen steers them back as he pulls the meat pies from the oven. “Did you go down and ask a priest to officially marry you to a demon?”
“We've got our official lifetime commitment already, no priest needed.” Kayn scoffs, cutting him a look just for good measure. “Not that you'd know about stuff like that.”
“Hmmm...” The insufferable jerk grins at his dad, eyes all twinkly and shit, then winks at him. “Nah, we wouldn't know a thing about that, would we dear?”
“Looking for a newer model every year,” Zed confirms as he grabs the plates from the cupboard. “They don't make ‘em like they used to though, hard to make the switch.”
“Especially when the gear shift is well-oiled and the ride is still smooth.” Shen leers at him, and Kayn feels himself rapidly losing his appetite.
“Ew.”
“I read the news, Shie, I don't think you've got room to 'ew' us,” Zed chuckles, disgustingly domestic as he and Shen plate up the pie and shoo him into the dining room.
“ For an exhibitionist, he's awfully shy.”
“Not you too, Rhaast,” Kayn groans, flopping into his usual seat at the table with a pout. “We're supposed to be a united front, remember?”
“ Can't be any other way right now, pet.”
“ Hmph. ”
“So, how have you two been?” Shen asks, waiting intently for Kayn's response, like he cares or something, ugh.
“Good. Music is good. Guys are good...”
He shoves a bite of meat pie in his mouth so Rhaast can't tell them anything incriminating. It's delicious, of course, because that commitaphobe cooks like a damn dream. Ugh.
“Glad to hear it.”
The chatter that follows isn't awkward, even if Kayn kinda wishes it was.
No you don't.
Okay, he doesn't. He's glad he can still come home and have this, even if sometimes he's done his best to throw cherry bombs at the relationship over the years. Even if he has a weird maybe one-sided not-competition going with his dad's not-husband who's also basically his dad.
Remember when we talked about you going back to therapy?
He might. Probably. Eventually. It might come up. Right after the whole Demon In His Head thing.
Daddy issues have nothing on you, Shieda.
“Anyway, we had some news for you, Shie.”
“Eh?” Kayn jerks back into the conversation outside his own head and catches sight of the two of them holding hands across the table. “What, nobody's sick or anything, right?”
“No, nothing like that,” Shen is quick to assure him. “It's just... you know your father and I have been together for quite some time now.”
“Yeah, longest bootycall ever-”
“ Shieda- ”
“And, we thought perhaps it might be time for us to shake things up a little bit.”
Kayn squints at them, breath freezing in his chest. “What?”
Zed nods back at him, solemn. “Yes, it's been a long time, you know… long enough.”
He feels his heart stutter in his chest, meat pie suddenly going down hard.
“ Explain.” Rhaast demands, taking over the basic functions of his body as Kayn's mind scrambles to make sense of anything. Sure, he'd always said that they were just playing house, and that it wasn't going to last, but he didn't actually think-
“Your father and I have decided that we're splitting-
“No!” Kayn slaps his hand down on the table, making all the dishes rattle as his chest heaves. “No, no, no! Nope. No. Fix it, whatever it is, I don't care. Fix your shit. You two are... You can't-” He shakes his head almost violently, throws himself back to sulk in his chair like a toddler and doesn't even give a fuck about it. “No!”
Shen's lips purse, eyebrow arching.
His dad covers his face with a hand.
“Are you done?”
“Are you? ” Kayn sneers back at him. “Can't believe I expected better-”
“We're getting our vows renewed,” Zed cuts across him, biting down on a smirk. “Splitting the difference on the thirty year mark. We figured the twenty-ninth anniversary is close enough.”
What?
“What?” Kayn gapes at him, then at Shen, who is openly snickering now – that asshole. “ What? What vows-”
“Our wedding vows?” Zed drawls, like Kayn's an idiot. “Shie... c'mon, I know it's your little joke, but you know we've been married.”
“The fuck you have!”
He's flabbergasted. They're pranking him. Since fucking when?
Mutt... if they are, I'll kill them for you.
“...Yeeees?” Shen, the unflappable bastard, blinks at him, brows furrowed. He pushes up the sleeve of his sweater and points at a string of numbers tattooed on his bicep. “Why else would we have our wedding date branded on us?”
“What? No. That’s just numbers.” This can't be happening. He's going fucking insane. They're fucking with him. “That's not... you don't even have wedding rings!”
“Shie... we run the studio. We've never worn rings, it doesn't make sense-”
“Rhaast! I'm not fucking... this is some... tell them!”
“ It would seem, gentlemen, that there has been some... miscommunication.”
“ Miscommunication? ” Kayn wheezes, throwing his hands in the air as his own demon offers the understatement of the year. “What the fuck! No pics! Didn't happen!”
“Kiddo, we've been married since before you were born, since before we retired-” Shen tries, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You actually thought I was just... what? Hanging around indefinitely? Brady bunching it with Zed?”
“Yes!”
“I offered to adopt you too when you first joked about it!”
“Well that's because- and I wasn’t joking- ” he flounders, hand waving in the air, like logic will descend from the heavens and make everything right again “-hey, no! Akali knows you're not too!”
“So both our kids lack basic deductive skills,” Zed grumbles, massaging at his temples, “Great.”
“They get it from you,” Shen snipes, running a hand through his hair – which might as well be greying before Kayn's eyes. “You never could see the big picture.”
“Watch it. You're the myopic one between the two of us, don't make me hide your reading glasses.”
“I don't need my glasses to see this is because of that time you dropped him on his head as a toddler-”
“Kali didn't know either! What's your excuse there, too many kicks to the face?”
“I'm having a stroke,” Kayn announces to no one in particular. “Rhaast, I think it's my time. You can have the body, I'm out.”
“ We had a stroke before we left,” Rhaast leers, because he's a bastard too.
“Well, intimacy leads to longevity at least,” Zed sighs as he refills his wine and takes a generous gulp. “And to think... we thought the big laugh of the night would be the renewal taking away his dumb joke.”
“All this time...” Shen downs his own glass and leans back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. “You actually resented the hell out of me, Shieda? Really?”
“I-” Kayn falters, guts squirming uncomfortably at the frown on Shen's face. “I mean... sorta? Only a little, but... I mean you've always been around, but I was kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop-”
“He was at every one of your matches!” Zed shakes his head in reproach. “And convinced me to let you get that damned dirt bike, even though you were reckless-”
“Pot meet kettle,” Shen mutters, reaching to refill his glass of wine.
“-and was the one who stuck up for you when you almost got expelled-”
“Because you would have killed the damn administrator if you'd have gone down there-”
“He was incompetent.”
“Shieda was technically guilty on all charges-”
“With good reason!”
“But still- a measure of diplomacy is necessary sometimes-”
“Like you can talk about diplomacy, Mr. Stab First Ask Questions While Getting Shot-”
“That's rich coming from you, Mr. Stabbing Only, No Questions-”
Uhh...
It's like watching a ping-pong match in the twilight zone, and Kayn very slowly reaches down to pinch the inside of his thigh.
He is still present afterward.
Apparently. There are more family secrets than an almost thirty year marriage.
But at least now, watching them bicker across the table, he no longer has doubts about the truth of them being an old married couple. Nobody argues with a decades long bootycall like that if they don't have them legally bound.
They sound like us, Rhaast muses, borrowing Kayn's arms to access the meat pie. Except crazier.
He's right. Somehow.
“So uh... Dad?”
“Not now Shie, I've gotta prove this old bastard wrong-”
“I meant, uh...” He coughs, swallows a bite of meat and shrugs uncomfortably, “-other Dad. Shen.”
He flinches at the clatter of Shen's fork hitting his plate, the older man eyeing him in shock.
“Shieda-?”
“Um. You know... thanks, or whatever,” he mumbles, scowling at him, because otherwise his face will do something even more stupid, like cry. Ugh. “For not being a bastard with one foot out the door, I guess.”
“I... you're welcome?” He blinks at him, back at Zed. His face looks stupid. “Can I hug you?”
Kayn sniffles manfully, shakes his head. “No. … You can when I leave, like normal.”
“Okay.”
Zed looks between the two of them and downs the rest of his wine. “Rhaast?”
“ Yes, human?”
“Please tell me you're more well adjusted than this.”
“ I bound Shieda to me on the day we met, don't look at me.”
“...fair enough.”
Silence, save for the scraping of silverware. It's not like Kayn's going to let a home cooked meal go to waste, especially since he doesn't even have to share it with-
“Oh my god-” he jerks up, grinning maniacally. “Can I be the one to tell Akali?”
Shen drags a hand down his face, sighing before he shrugs. “You know, why not. She's going to kill me either way when she finds out you're both stupid.”
“Thanks, Pops, I get it from you.”
Zed snorts, reaching to clink his empty glass against Kayn's. “You do... but you're still going to be standing on my side during the vow renewal.”
Kayn can live with that.
To: [2cool2txtback🙄] hey what r u wearing to dad & pop's wedding vow renewal? We gotta match
From: [2cool2txtback🙄] TO THE WHAT