Archive of Our Own ^beta

When the miracle starts to erode, when EXO’s popularity begins to fade, when members have found other passions and their company finds it more profitable for them to work separately as solo artists than as a group, their manager gathers them in their living room to tell them the news that they all knew was coming. Senior management officially tells them about the disbandment the next day, and everyone starts making arrangements for ‘after’.

Kyungsoo immediately buys an apartment in the residential building he’s been eyeing up for the past year. Chanyeol, who hasn’t thought about independent living as much as Kyungsoo has, temporarily moves back with his parents while he finds his dream house. It’s a little embarrassing maybe, he tells Kyungsoo, but Yura has a five year old running around the house and another baby on the way, Chanyeol doesn’t want to be a burden to her already exhausting life. And other members are still either also finding places like him or are just settling into their new homes. He doesn’t want to impose.

For Kyungsoo, it’s honestly quite amazing, to finally live his own life again and focus on his career as an actor. He hesitates to call it liberating, because that would imply that he felt caged in the presence of the eight wonderful people he was with almost every day of his life for the past ten years. He might not be close to every single one of them, but having worked and lived together for so long, having gone through those truly unforgettable years, Kyungsoo would hate to say anything remotely bad about them. In a way, in a really uncharacteristically cheesy way, they really were family to him for a while. Family you love, cherish, have fights with, feel safe with, maybe ignore sometimes, but ultimately, it was family.

Now Kyungsoo is a free man of sorts; still under a contract but given more freedom. Freedom to choose what he wants to do, as a lot more choices are opened up to him now. So, realistically, it is liberating. He is happier, and the others are too. Well, at least some of them, he thinks. Guesses. Hopes.

The first month of transition was hectic. Moving out, moving in, unpacking, signing new contracts, changing managers, getting a new entourage, reviewing movie offers, meetings with the company staff, plus he tried to organise a trip away to visit his family. It was hell, it was amazing.

Two weeks into his new life, he gets a text from Chanyeol asking if he’s got time to catch up. Meet up over coffee or something. Because this might be what they have to do now, organise a mutually convenient time to meet up for coffee, or a meal. Meet up. The reality, the strange and distancing feeling of the whole situation suddenly catches up to him and Kyungsoo stares at his phone for two minutes before he taps the text box and the keyboard pops up.

They meet up at a secluded café Chanyeol somehow found near Kyungsoo’s new apartment building, and they go back to their respective busy schedules afterwards. Kyungsoo waits for Chanyeol’s next invitation while his agent negotiates the terms of his first movie as a solo artist. It comes four days later, asking if he’s free next week. After that, Kyungsoo waits and the next invitation comes again, and again, and again. It develops into a thing, and Chanyeol starts staying over at Kyungsoo’s flat when they hang out too late, and he’s too lazy to travel back to his parents’ place.

A while after that, Chanyeol finally finds his ‘dream house’, which is really just a fancy studio apartment. He interior-designs the shit out of it, as Kyungsoo knew he would, and the actual decorating takes about three months before Kyungsoo is finally invited around. But before that happens, Chanyeol just stays at Kyungsoo’s flat more and more often. Even when Chanyeol’s flat is finally perfect and Kyungsoo is invited over to shower him with the appropriate compliments, Chanyeol still stays over at the same frequency as he did before.

Kyungsoo stops thinking about it at some point and just tosses him the spare key. He tells him it’s more convenient that way, not having to always make sure Chanyeol comes over at a time when he’s home. But he was at the receiving end of an endearingly awed look and a bone crushing hug as soon as the key glided through the air and landed on Chanyeol’s palm anyway. Kyungsoo hadn’t seen Chanyeol that happy in a long while.

It’s better, really, to not have to compare schedules and arrange a date to meet up for coffee. It makes Kyungsoo breathe easier knowing Chanyeol comes and goes as he pleases, like he is still sharing a home with someone, like he actually lives in a flat that smells of people, that feels lived-in.

And at some point, his things become interspersed with Chanyeol’s. There’s a green tooth brush next to his own blue one, and he’d long stopped being able to tell which CDs are his and which ones are Chanyeol’s even back in dorm days, because their music taste is so similar. Chanyeol brings books over to read before bedtime and leaves them in Kyungsoo’s book shelf when he finishes them, and Kyungsoo would pick one up occasionally if it looks interesting enough. Chanyeol never touches the biographies or the history books that he buys, but he leaves through Kyungsoo’s cook books more often than Kyungsoo does.

The kitchen is fully stocked with Chanyeol’s favourite spices and his favourite takeaway places’ menus are always on top of the pile. His most used cooking utensils are all in easy to reach places. Kyungsoo has stopped trying to rearrange his own kitchen cupboard when doing so would only provide Chanyeol with more opportunity to make surprised and frustrated noises when he cooks, bumping into the wooden cupboard door and metal pans, making unnecessary noises. As a singer-song-writer, Chanyeol’s schedule allows for more time to spend working alone than Kyungsoo’s does, so Kyungsoo often comes back to the delicious smell of home-cooked dinner and he’s really not complaining if it’s only at the cost of being slightly inconvenienced by awkward kitchen equipment placements.

For maximum productivity, or so Chanyeol claims, he has moved his extra keyboard and guitar in so they now permanently live in Kyungsoo’s guest bedroom. When Kyungsoo bought this place, he’d never thought the guest bedroom would be as lived-in as his own bedroom, but maybe he should have. Kyungsoo’s guest bedroom also houses two of Chanyeol’s Rilakkuma plushies; the small one in the cow costume and the other small one in a bee costume. Kyungsoo would have never thought those plushies would follow Chanyeol to this day, but here they are now.

Chanyeol brings them out to the living room whenever he leaves Kyungsoo’s flat for work or to return to his own flat, saying that they’d be lonely stuck inside his bedroom; it’s better for them to at least see Kyungsoo walking around the flat. They’ll keep you company while you cook and eat! he’d said. This way, none of you will be lonely while I’m gone! he’d said. What a fucking dork.

But Kyungsoo finds himself sitting on the sofa eating dinner one day, next to the Rilakkumas. His freshly dished out kimchi bokumbap steaming up his round glasses and it almost looks like the dolls are looking back at him when he stares. He spoons a mouthful of rice, chewing it slowly and swallows.

“Your dad is away again.” He grimaces so hard he can feel his chapped lips being pulled taunt, almost cracking.

He angles his body away and pulls a video up on his iPad to watch while he eats. When the video finishes fifteen minutes later and he looks back at the two dolls, they’re still leaning comfortably against the cushions and staring forward blankly.

“Chanyeol talks to you guys too much. I can hear his voice talking to you in my head right now.”

He eats another spoonful of rice, chews and swallows.

“It’s rubbing off on me. I’m currently talking to two Rilakkuma plushies, in my living room, alone.”

The dolls only sends him merciless silence as Kyungsoo gathers the stray rice around the bowl and eats the last spoonful.

“At least we’re doing what he wants, we’re keeping each other company.”

He pauses, stares at the empty bowl in his hand and then at the iPad screen. “I’m still talking to you, please stop me.” He locks his iPad screen and stands up to bring his bowl over to the kitchen, where he starts washing up.

He can feel the dolls’ non-existent gaze on him as he scrubs his wok and puts the extra kimchi bokumbap in tupperware and into the fridge.

-

When Chanyeol comes back, he makes a beeline for the sofa and lies on it while hugging the two plushies to his chest. He pets their soft head and asks, “Has Kyungsoo been looking after you two well?”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and laughs. Of course this is what Chanyeol asks them first.

“Did Kyungsoo ignore you guys like you are mere soft toys?” Chanyeol narrows his eyes at Kyungsoo before turning back to the Rilakkumas. “That’s so rude, isn’t it? Don’t take it to heart, I’m sure he still loves you,” he stage-whispers.

Later, after dinner and they’re just catching up over a few beers on the sofa, Chanyeol’s got the plushies lying innocuously on his lap, his long fingers occasionally stroking their tummies. “You have to talk to them when I’m gone, Kyungsoo,” he pouts, but then smiles almost wistfully. “Otherwise it’s really lonely for them.”

Kyungsoo almost bites his tongue off trying to keep the words in.

-

A last minute production meeting came up one time and Chanyeol doesn’t show up on that Friday like he usually would, nor the Tuesday that follows. When he finally does come around, he’s carrying a huge bag of groceries with a messenger bag hanging off one shoulder. Kicking off his shoes, he goes to take everything out and sets the needed ingredients on the kitchen counter, storing everything else in the fridge and shelves. When Kyungsoo finally slinks out of his room to greet him five minutes later, Chanyeol puts down the knife next to the finely chopped courgettes and shuffles towards him. He gently gathers Kyungsoo into a hug and Kyungsoo stands still for him, one hand coming up to pat his hip softly.

From what Kyungsoo can tell from the various texts he’s received from Chanyeol, the past few days haven’t been the best, so Kyungsoo lets him stay like that for a little while longer. The forehead resting on his shoulder feels heavier than usual, the hands grabbing onto his back tighter than usual.

Eventually, when Chanyeol lets go, he tilts his head to the side, scrunching his face up into a cutesy smile and says, “Did you miss me?”

Kyungsoo smirks at his aegyo and rolls his eyes, but is glad to see a smile back on his face. He turns on his heels to go back into his room to grab his mug. Chanyeol drapes himself over his back, dragging his feet on the floor as he follows Kyungsoo into the dim corridor, the light in Kyungsoo’s room spilling onto the darkened wooden floor at the end of it.

“I missed you,” Chanyeol mumbles into his shoulder. He sounds tired again. Kyungsoo grabs his mug on the table and Chanyeol lets go of him when he turns around. When he looks at Chanyeol, his eyes aren’t half-lidded and his features are relaxed. He puts his hand on Chanyeol’s back as he guides him back out to the kitchen, rubbing it slowly as they go.

Later that night, over courgette pancakes and beef soondubu jjigae, Chanyeol rests his chin on his palm and asks, “Do you miss it?”

Kyungsoo dips a piece of pancake into the soup before eating it, savouring the wonderful spicy taste of the broth and the crunchiness of the pancake. He needs this recipe, or he needs Chanyeol to cook this again, soon. Maybe tomorrow.

“Miss what?”

Chanyeol shrugs and stirs the soft tofu around the soup. “EXO, performing, everyone. Everything.”

Kyungsoo thinks about this as he swallows. “Sometimes, yeah. A lot of it was a lot of fun. It was amazing to have been able to be a singer when it had been my dream for years. I miss the guys, but I really like the people I work with now too. It’s really different,” he drinks a sip of soup, “but I really like it.”

Chanyeol hums distractedly, eyes still lazily resting on the massive soup bowl sitting between them. He shifts and looks up again. “How about dorms? Do you miss living with everyone? Do you miss living with me and Jongin?”

Kyungsoo laughs into his bowl, he has to put it down because his laughter almost made him spill. “God no, absolutely not.” He takes the tissue beside him and dabs his lips, briefly obscuring his incredulous smile. “Now I don’t have to wait my turn to shower, or stuff my headphones in if I want any peace and quiet. No one moving around is ever going to wake me up, I don’t have to worry about waking anyone up if I want to move around at night. I don’t need to compromise with anyone about what I want to eat, I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want. I don’t have to worry about anyone stinking up the toilet. I can hang my towel in the bathroom and not have to worry if anyone’s using it to wipe their hands or something. I can go on forever with this. I love living alone.”

Chanyeol blinks and then laughs as he rubs the back of his neck, eyes returning to the soup bowl again. “Yeah. I guess I know what you mean.”

-

Chanyeol gets an invitation to participate in Law of the Jungle again as an anniversary guest appearance and Kyungsoo doesn’t see him for over ten days. Chanyeol usually comes over two or three times a week, sleeps over almost every time. Kyungsoo only gets sporadic so excited!! :D or sleepy…too lazy to pack ㅠㅠㅠㅠ texts the few days before he leaves, and complete radio silence once he does. Kyungsoo used to worry when he goes off to the wild to shoot these kinds of things and he still does now. It all looks so uncomfortable, and unhygienic. But Chanyeol seems to enjoy it and he looked so excited when he told Kyungsoo about it. So Kyungsoo deals.

Kyungsoo’s week takes a turn for the worse when the director he’s been looking forward to working with for months drops out three weeks into shooting. The position is up in the air and production comes to a complete halt as management tries to sort the shitstorm out. Kyungsoo is frustrated and stressed, and the eerie silence of his flat gets to him more than he ever thought it would. He finds himself checking his phone almost compulsively even though it’s already on vibrate, and the only texts he gets are from his agent, giving him updates on the management’s floundering meetings, and from his mother, telling him she and his father are going on a vacation to Gangneung next week, and sending him a courtesy invitation which they both know he’s going to decline.

That night, when Kyungsoo is filling in his water bottle in the kitchen before heading to bed, he looks up and out into the dimly lit living room. Those two Rilakkuma dolls are still sitting next to each other, like they did while Kyungsoo was eating dinner beside them earlier. He catches himself out of a blank stare when the tap water starts overflowing from the bottle and onto the sink. He shakes the water droplets off his hand and dries it off with a towel hanging under the sink.

He pauses on his way back to his room to look at the Rilakkumas again, still sitting there, probably soft and warm to touch. Kyungsoo sighs as he walks over to grab them with one hand before retreating back to his bed. Boy is he glad he doesn’t have a camera following him around constantly for ‘behind the scenes’ footages anymore.

He crawls onto bed and tucks both dolls in on the left side before settling on his own side. Flicking the bedside lamp off, he turns towards the Rilakkumas in the darkness.

Those dolls used to sleep next to him just like this when they stayed in hotels during concert tours and Chanyeol and he would share a room. Chanyeol would always bring at least one Rilakkuma with him if he knew he was going to be staying a night away from home. Kyungsoo used to tease him about it, like everyone else did, but it slowly became one of those things about Chanyeol that he learnt to accept and eventually stopped noticing as anything out of the ordinary.

Chanyeol would tuck his dolls in properly, cuddle with them if they were one of the bigger ones. With the smaller ones, he’d rest his large hand against them while his thumb caressed the fabric. They are very soft, the material worn down from being washed multiple times over the years, Kyungsoo thinks as his fingers remembers the feeling of them, recognises it from the time when Chanyeol used to snore lightly next to him and he would somehow find himself too nervous for the next day to fall asleep. He’d idly stroke the Rilakkuma’s head, imitating Chanyeol’s habitual motion, soothing and stilling his nerves.

A wave of nostalgia hits and his hand on the cow-hoodied Rilakkuma tightens when he feels his heart almost, almost squeezes at the distant memory. He pushes the dolls further into the covers and turns back to the other side when he realises he’s gotten close enough to recognise Chanyeol’s smell on them.

-

When Chanyeol returns to South Korea early in the morning, the first thing he does after he goes home to scrub every single inch of his skin clean and take an accidental six hour nap, is to head over to Kyungsoo’s place.

He arrives to an empty flat, with only silence greeting him when he shouts for Kyungsoo at the door while he takes off his shoes. He shrugs and immediately goes to look for his Rilakkumas, only to find the spot where he’d left them empty. He scans the living room, confused, before venturing into his own room, his and Kyungsoo’s shared study room, and then finally reaching Kyungsoo’s master bedroom.

He sucks in a sharp breath when he sees his two Rilakkumas lying on the left side of Kyungsoo’s neatly made bed. A big smile creeps onto his face and he almost calls Kyungsoo in his brief moment of excitement (and amusement) before he thinks better of it, and slowly backs out of the room again. He’ll go visit his parents instead, if Kyungsoo isn’t going to be around for a while. It’s still only four, Kyungsoo usually isn’t back till around seven. Maybe he’ll pick something up from Vivapolo. Maybe Granchio.

Three hours or so later, he texts Kyungsoo to ask if there’s anything else he’d like him to pick up from Vivapolo. He gets a text back in fifteen minutes, asking him to pick up some fresh fruit on his way.

When he arrives, he barrels towards Kyungsoo for a tackle hug. Kyungsoo collapses sideways onto the sofa he’s sitting on with a groan and pushes his face away when he tries to rub his cheeks on his shoulder.

“Get off me,” Kyungsoo says half-heartedly and swats at his back. “How are you so energetic? I thought you just came back from filming.”

“Because I miss you!” Chanyeol leans up to flash him a blinding smile. Strangely, he waits for a handful of seconds before putting his head on Kyungsoo’s chest again. Kyungsoo smiles and lets his hand rest on Chanyeol’s back.

“And because I accidentally took a six-hour nap when I got home this morning,” Chanyeol mumbles after a few moments.

Kyungsoo chuckles, the vibration making Chanyeol’s head lull slightly. “Accidentally.”

“Yep.”

When Kyungsoo eventually pushes him off, Chanyeol lies on the sofa as he goes to make them tea. He turns around to face the back of the sofa and finds himself face to face with his two Rilakkuma dolls, both sitting at the same spot where he had left them the last time he visited Kyungsoo’s flat. Chanyeol frowns and opens his mouth to ask, but Kyungsoo has already disappeared into the corridor, presumably to retrieve something from his room. Chanyeol sits up and places his two Rilakkuma dolls on his crossed legs.

Kyungsoo returns to the kitchen a moment later, his slippers shuffle against the wooden floor, followed by the sounds of plates clanking together as he sets the table up for dinner.

“Did you two miss me? I was away for so long this time!” Chanyeol pets their head and fusses over their respective honey bee and Taurus costume.

“Did Kyungsoo talk to you guys? Or did he ignore you,” he pouts and shakes his head in dramatic disappointment, “like he ignores me?”

He chances a glance at Kyungsoo to gauge his reaction, but he doesn’t seem to be listening, or if he is, he’s not giving Chanyeol any reaction. Chanyeol’s shoulders slump but he tries again.

He walks to Kyungsoo’s side where he’s standing over the table, transferring the food from their plastic containers onto the plates. Chanyeol’s fingers rub at the back of the leather seat just to find something to occupy his hands with. “Have you been treating them well this time, Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo stops before slowly looking up at Chanyeol and then at the Rilakkumas on the sofa. Instead of scoffing or rolling his eyes like he usually does, he looks caught by Chanyeol’s question.

"Yeah..." Kyungsoo awkwardly shrugs and goes back to his task.

Against his better judgement, Chanyeol becomes excited by this change in attitude from Kyungsoo. "What did you do with them?"

Kyungsoo shrugs and makes a dismissive noises, eyes trained on the food.

Chanyeol frowns at the silence that follows and the blatant omission on Kyungsoo's part gets louder and louder with each passing second. Chanyeol thinks perhaps he shouldn’t bring up the fact that he saw his Rilakkumas on Kyungsoo’s bed this afternoon, or even hint at it. He’s instinctively retreating before anything comes to a head like he usually does. He has a distinct feeling that Kyungsoo would get mad at him, but for what? Kyungsoo brought his Rilakkuma plushies to his fucking bed. That’s something Chanyeol had never dreamed that Kyungsoo would do.

Maybe he knows Kyungsoo enough by now to know he’d never flat out tell Chanyeol that he slept with his Rilakkumas next to him, but the fact that he even did it, doesn’t it mean that Kyungsoo also misses him, like Chanyeol had told him he did?

If he does, then Kyungsoo should at least- Can’t Kyungsoo just-

Chanyeol clenches his fist under the sudden wave of frustration. The bitter taste in his mouth a foreign experience on his tongue, or rather, a long forgotten experience. Chanyeol doesn’t know where to go on from here, he hasn’t been in this headspace in a long time, has learnt since that it’s never a good idea. But he wants to try. Maybe things are different now. So many things have changed these past few months, maybe- maybe this time.

-

“I miss my Rilakkumas.”

Kyungsoo looks up at Chanyeol with a perplexed frown, not seeing where this is going.

“I should take them home with me next time.”

Kyungsoo’s brows lift in surprise. This topic came out of nowhere, he’d assume Chanyeol is joking if his face didn’t look so serious. Wariness slowly simmers in the pit of his stomach. It turns into confused distress when he tries to laugh it off but Chanyeol’s frown only deepens.

“Should I take them with me the next time I leave, Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo’s heart constricts unexpectedly at the mere suggestion of it. The nights he’s spent eating dinner next to them, sleeping next to them while Chanyeol was away. Kyungsoo would love to dismiss the idea, but those two dolls have been helping him cope with his stress and that strange sense of creeping loneliness these past few days. If Chanyeol takes them away, what would Kyungsoo do instead?

“No,” Kyungsoo croaks out, a growing sense of worry and discomfort gnaw at him.

“Why not?”

Kyungsoo makes a face at that question. Why is Chanyeol suddenly asking all these questions? Kyungsoo doesn’t have any answers for him. He doesn’t know why he wants to keep Chanyeol’s ridiculous plushies with him while he’s gone. It’s laughable to say it’s because they keep him company. But without Chanyeol to rant at when he’s alone, without him around to crack stupid jokes and do absurd things to tease a smile out of him when he acts grumpy, he needs those two dolls. He needs them as a reminder than Chanyeol will come back, eventually.

They’re a reminder. Of Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo almost winces at this strange thought. Chanyeol is waiting for an answer, but how can he possibly convey any of this to him? It already sounds so odd in his head, it can only sound worse out loud.

“I miss you too, you know?” Chanyeol says when Kyungsoo struggles and fails to answer.

“Yes…” Kyungsoo nods because he does. Chanyeol had said so earlier. But he doesn’t know what Chanyeol expects him to say in return.

His lack of further elaboration seems to make Chanyeol fidget. Kyungsoo can see him pulling at his sleeves, looking around nervously.

“Would you…would you prefer it if I stayed here instead? If I don’t leave as much?”

Kyungsoo continues to frown and bites down on the instinctive answer he wants to give, because he doesn’t actually know what Chanyeol is trying to say. Doesn’t know why any of this is happening at all. Neither of them knows where this is going, what each other is thinking, or whether they're on the same page.

He is too scared to say anything more, worried that one wrong response is going to lead to something that needs a lot of damage control. This feels important somehow, the tension is so palpable, even though Kyungsoo doesn’t have a single clue what’s going on. So he stays silent, prefers to let Chanyeol ramble on until the moment passes, or maybe he'll say something that Kyungsoo will...will what? Kyungsoo doesn't know what he wants. Doesn’t know what Chanyeol wants from him.

Kyungsoo wants Chanyeol to stay, to always stay. He’s done that pretty well so far and Kyungsoo gets a very visceral sense of fear when the idea of Chanyeol leaving presents itself. Kyungsoo has only ever felt this fear a couple times, but both were with people whom he’d been dating at that time, and-

“Say something, Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol raises his voice in the way that he does sometimes when he's anxious or embarrassed. He seems flustered, perhaps frustrated by Kyungsoo’s taciturn behaviour.

But Kyungsoo can’t. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand the thought he just had, and his heart is beating far too fast suddenly. He doesn't know what is happening. Please. What is happening?

“Damn it!” Chanyeol mumbles under his breath, but in the complete silence of the flat, it’s enough to startle Kyungsoo out of his building panic. “Fuck,” he runs a hand through his hair, then suddenly, he grabs his messenger bag lying next to the kitchen cupboard and flees.

Kyungsoo, still frozen on the spot, is unable to open his mouth to ask Chanyeol to stay. Afraid of what it will mean if he did, but also terrified of the thought of Chanyeol leaving.

But when the door slams shut, it's too late. Kyungsoo lets out a shuddering breath and tries to breathe again. Slowly turning towards the two plates of pasta, the chicken salad and Chanyeol’s favourite gorgonzola cheese pizza all arranged neatly on the table, he leans against the back of the chair and his hands start to tremble.

-

Chanyeol stops going over to Kyungsoo’s place and begins to lose count of the amount of times he picks up his phone to text Kyungsoo, only to put it down again when he remembers.

The memory of that night still haunts him. The confusion on Kyungsoo’s face, the bafflement. Kyungsoo’s silence, that complete fucking silence. It was awful and Chanyeol knows he’s ruined everything.

He shouldn’t have pushed. So what if Kyungsoo did have his Rilakkumas on his bed? Maybe covering it under his blankets makes them harder to collect dust. Maybe he had guests over and needed to put them somewhere else. Chanyeol had jumped to a conclusion, a conclusion that he wished was true but of course it wasn't. It’s Kyungsoo he’s talking about, how naïve. He pushed and pushed and pushed, Kyungsoo must have been so weirded out. Chanyeol doesn’t know how to face him anymore, how to tell him to overlook what happened.

But there was a reason why he did push. Because things are different now. He had childishly wished that it was for the better, but now he knows how stupid he was to have ever thought that. But different also means nothing in their schedules put them together anymore. Kyungsoo is in the filming industry, he’s in music. They have nothing left in between them other than friendship and the want for each other's company to keep the relationship alive. If Chanyeol wants to exercise his full ability to avoid Kyungsoo, they can just drift.

And this can be the end.

-

Chanyeol has stopped visiting him, or texting him, or just, generally existing in Kyungsoo’s life at all. If he hadn’t seen Chanyeol appear on music shows and variety shows, he would have thought he’d disappeared off the face of the earth. Without any contact, it’s as if Chanyeol is just another celebrity who Kyungsoo sometimes sees on TV.

Some nights, when Chanyeol is scheduled to perform at a music show and Kyungsoo has time, he would sit on his bed with his laptop opened and his Bluetooth speakers turned on.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what he did but Chanyeol is gone. It’s been weeks and Kyungsoo still can’t believe it. During the first few days after that night, he had thought he’d wait a bit before reaching out to Chanyeol to talk things over, hoping maybe he will have calmed down by then. But when those few days passed and Chanyeol still hadn’t texted him or reached out to him at all, he became too scared to reach out first. Chanyeol has never held out for so long. All his silent treatment after any fights they’ve ever had, he always comes back a couple of days later. Either with a pout and a bit of aegyo, or with an attempt to pretend their fight never happened. And Kyungsoo was fine with that. As long as Chanyeol comes back.

But Chanyeol hasn’t come back, which means he’s still angry at Kyungsoo. This is uncharted territory. What did he do that was so bad, that Chanyeol, the warmest, most forgiving, most sensitive and most proactive person Kyungsoo has ever met, would decide to cut all ties?

Without EXO, he doesn’t even get to see him every day and gauge his reactions. Can’t try to catch his eyes, can’t try to touch him and see if he pulls away. He doesn’t have Jongdae or Baekhyun or Sehun around to ask about Chanyeol without talking to him directly; at least that way he would still get an honest opinion of how Chanyeol’s doing. It would be easier, Kyungsoo imagines, if they still saw each other every day. Kyungsoo would try to talk to Chanyeol if this were during their EXO days, but now, all he has is their chat history on KakaoTalk and Chanyeol’s public persona on television. It’s harder to start typing out a text when that’s all he has, and the chat history shows that the last message Chanyeol sent him was from four weeks ago.

The two Rilakkuma dolls returned to his bed once Kyungsoo realised Chanyeol is really not coming back. He sits on his bed, the plushies resting against his belly. His hand distractedly pets their heads as he watches Chanyeol do collaborations with female artists on music shows and wishes it was him again. Wishes it was him singing to Chanyeol's guitar on stage again, or even rapping and beat boxing with him again like in the early years. Just being that other person that Chanyeol is with when he is on stage, the one he looks at and smiles at in front of thousands of people.

The discomfort bubbles in his chest whenever Chanyeol sings a duet with someone else, making him chew the inside of his cheek, lips pressed flat. Like that time Chanyeol attended that hip-hop show as a guest star, putting his arms around someone else on stage as he nails his rap verse, looking cool in those shades and blazer. Distractedly, he thinks about how, no matter how many times that singer had practiced their song with Chanyeol, it will never be like the years and years of practicing Kyungsoo did with him. The playful, relaxed practices at the company during their trainee days, in Chanyeol's parents' home when he used to stay over, then it was properly in company studios, their dorm, and empty stadiums that can house thousands and thousands of people, with the backstage crew milling around, streams of static conversations droning on in their respective earpieces, but they would ignore all of it in favour of each other.

He misses singing. It’s how he got into the business. It’s what he trained for even before he entered SM as a trainee.

Those were the years, and they can never go back to them. EXO is no more, the subunit with Chanyeol didn't happen because it never was going to. They are doing what they loved, both of them, but they're not together anymore.

Kyungsoo always knew Chanyeol was exceptionally musically talented. He is happy for him that he finally gets to do what he likes the most; writing music, writing lyrics, producing music that people love and respect him for. He's sure Chanyeol felt the same for him. But by pursuing their dreams, it had meant cutting their bond as bandmates. Kyungsoo has his actor friends. It's so easy to lose touch with old friends once you're in a new environment and there are new friendships to explore, new people to enjoy the company of, to feel comfortable around.

But Kyungsoo misses Chanyeol. He misses EXO. With Chanyeol still half-living with him before, it felt like it wasn't so bad. Chanyeol is better at keeping in touch with the others than Kyungsoo is, as he always has been. He drags Kyungsoo to musicals that Baekhyun or Jongdae perform at, or dance showcases that Jongin does. He organizes meet ups with the others, sometimes just three or four of them, sometimes more.

Chanyeol being there at home with him made everything so much better as well. The transition was better because he was always around and Kyungsoo never even noticed. He never thought he'd miss dorm life because why would he? It's loud and messy and crowded and busy all the time. But with Chanyeol, he got a bit of that still, and it made his heart feel at ease. With Chanyeol there, he could still kick at the bathroom door, yell at Chanyeol for his bad habit of scrolling through Instagram while he’s on the toilet, taking fucking forever, and get a startled laugh from within the room.

With Chanyeol there, he’s not cooking for one. His mental grocery list has adapted to shopping and cooking for multiple people; sometimes when Chanyeol doesn’t stay over, he’d still accidentally cook two portions out of habit. With Chanyeol there, there’s still ambient noise of his shuffled footsteps in the corridor, sound of him messing about in the kitchen, making tea or something, instead of the complete silence that still catches Kyungsoo off guard when he’s alone and ready to go to bed. With Chanyeol there, neither of them closes their bedroom door, so very faintly, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he can still hear the familiar soft snoring that lulls him back to sleep.

Living without EXO is fine. It's sometimes painful when he revisits old times by himself, watching old recordings of their concerts on youtube and the nostalgia suddenly hits. He can’t help but laugh when he watches his past-self running around the big stage, hitting every member stupid enough to cross his path with that ridiculous pink heart pillow. The brightness of his screen hurts his eyes as the sun sets outside, and his own laughter echoes hollow in his rapidly darkening room.

But it's fine because everyone moves on. He had friends during middle school and high school who he thought he’d be friends with forever, had thought that high school would be a bright memory that he’d keep in his mind, be something that he will forever miss when he grows up. But the brightness of it fades in time and in comparison, wasn’t really that amazing anymore. People have stages of their lives and EXO was one stage in his. People move on and their past dims as they work towards something bigger, brighter, more exhilarating, something that they yearn for even more. No one stays in one place forever, reminiscence is natural and the pain will dull in time, becoming just a part of his glorious, nerve-wrecking, beautiful, insane, a little traumatizing, but ultimately happy past. But a past nonetheless.

But living without Chanyeol is not fine. Chanyeol wasn't and isn't a stage of Kyungsoo's life that he will move on from. The thought of him only being a phase in Chanyeol's life makes his heart squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. It hurts and the fear accumulates in his eyes until his eyesight blurs.

Chanyeol can't have just moved on. Or has he? Is Kyungsoo the only one who's still grasping onto something that should have been left to his past, trying to make it his present?

In this void of sentimentality and pain, it almost feels like homesickness.

-

One night, Kyungsoo is listening to music on his phone on shuffle as he idly reviews some scripts his agent had sent over earlier, asking him to pick out ones he’s interested in. Half-way through the first one, Billionaire comes up and the sound of paper crumpling reaches his ears before he realises he’s ruining the script. He’s been avoiding a number of his favourite songs since that night because most of them remind him of Chanyeol one way or another. He’s practiced singing to Chanyeol’s guitar for almost all his favourite songs.

When Nothing On You starts playing after the ending chord of Billionaire fades, Kyungsoo throws down his headphones, grabs the two Rilakkumas next to him and drives straight to Chanyeol’s apartment.

Chanyeol looks startled to see him on the other side of the door when he opens it.

“Um,” he looks awkwardly around before making space for Kyungsoo to step in. He stays hesitantly in the hallway when the door swings shut and Kyungsoo stands in front of it, not venturing further into the apartment.

Kyungsoo thrusts out the two Rilakkumas he’s still clutching in his hands and waits.

When Chanyeol finally picks up his jaw from the ground and stops staring, he walks closer to take the dolls out of his hands slowly before shuffling backwards.

“Th-thank you…I’ll um, I’ll come collect the rest of my stuff tomorrow.”

“No. These are mine now.” Kyungsoo steps forward and plucks the two Rilakkumas out from within Chanyeol’s arms. “You left them all by themselves for three months. I was the only one keeping them company this whole time.”

Chanyeol tilts his head to the side in confusion and frowns. “Kyungsoo, what- ”

“I brought them over because they told me they missed you. But I’m taking them back.”

Chanyeol stares at him in stunned silence, Kyungsoo’s ears burn at the thought of what he just said. It’s stupid, but hopefully it’ll get the point across. Chanyeol doesn’t seem like he’s still mad at him so that’s a good sign. Three months is absurdly long and Kyungsoo is willing to bite the bullet and admit he talks to Chanyeol’s stupid plushies.

But Chanyeol simply continues to look at Kyungsoo like he’s lost his marbles and then at the Rilakkumas with visible concern. To be honest, Kyungsoo certainly feels like he’s lost his marbles, he of all people, is trying to speak on behalf of the Rilakkuma plushies. Chanyeol’s probably worried about his dolls’ safety. But ugh, that’s not the point.

“And it’s unfair for these two to never see the rest of their family. So I’m taking all of them home.”

Chanyeol’s jaw falls open again, expression bemused. Oh, fuck it.

“If you want to see them, you’ll just have to come visit them at my place.”

“Kyungsoo are you saying that you want-”

The way light dawns in Chanyeol’s eyes and this look of hope brightens his features suddenly reminds Kyungsoo too much of that strange and alarming revelation he briefly had that night, when he had thought about Chanyeol leaving, about how awful that would be, and how similar that feeling was to how he felt with his ex-girlfriends. It’s the thought that he’d successfully buried in the deepest, darkest parts of his mind these past few months while he busied himself with pitiful nostalgia and stagnant misery.

“I’m saying for the sake of your Rilakkumas, you should go visit them regularly.”

Kyungsoo cuts him off before he can say anything further. He doesn’t know what exactly Chanyeol was going to say he wants, but Kyungsoo can hazard a guess and he just doesn’t want Chanyeol to finish that sentence. It’s too dangerous. He would prefer it if it wasn’t said out loud. And it’s also just embarrassing, for the both of them.

But Chanyeol’s eyes dim and his face falls. “Tell me what you want. Stop telling me- stop telling me what my god damn Rilakkumas want.”

Chanyeol’s tone is too severe, the whole atmosphere between them shifts. Kyungsoo thought he can get away with this, and Chanyeol would be all too happy to come back. Chanyeol had looked delighted just now, Kyungsoo knows he understood what he meant, and was happy at the implication that Kyungsoo was inviting him to visit again. So- why?

“Tell me what you want. Just say it.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He doesn’t want to, it feels too real if he does. He still hasn’t let himself properly think about what he’s been feeling, or why he’s been feeling what he’s feeling. He’s known Chanyeol for almost half his life, they’ve been close for so long. They were famous together, and now they’re famous separately. He can’t actually be doing- thinking- this…this… Can’t Chanyeol just get on his wavelength like he always has, so they can be like how they used to be? Chanyeol is so easy to be with all the time, has been so easy for Kyungsoo for so many years, so why does this have to be so difficult?

“This is exactly why I left last time, Kyungsoo. And this time- this…” Chanyeol runs a hand through his hair and sighs, “this is it. I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“This! This- fucking, living in this void where I never know what you think and I have to do everything.”

“But why…we’ve always-”

“Because I want you to fucking say it for once. Show me something. Tell me something. I’ve always been the one giving and giving. I want to be the one taking something from you for once. I want you to give me something.”

He doesn’t know if Chanyeol is trying to get him to say, to face, what he’s been trying to avoid. If he is, then it’s too big. This thing that he won’t allow himself to think about is too big. It’s unfair. He knows Chanyeol has always been the one showing him affection, always the one reaching out, keeping in touch, choosing to stay. But if he’s saying what Kyungsoo is thinking, then it’s too much. Why can’t he do it? It will be so much easier. Kyungsoo will follow his lead, like he always has. It’s been working so well.

“Why now? Can’t we just-”

“Because I can, Kyungsoo. Because- because if things get awkward, if it turns out we can’t be friends anymore, then we can just,” he throws his hands out before slumping, face dejected, “not be friends anymore. I don’t have to face you every day, I don’t have to live in the same fucking room as you do, people won’t immediately notice that something has changed and no one would ask questions that I don’t want to answer.”

Kyungsoo chews on the inside of his lip, nails digging into the skin of his palm. It’s been three months of complete silence, Kyungsoo has thought he’d at least have some kind of preparation for something like this, but god no. Hearing Chanyeol say it, say it out loud how he’s ready to stop being friends with him, how he had planned to stop. He can feel a slight tremor in his hands, he’s starting to shake again.

This is why Chanyeol was mad at him? This is why he left and decided to not come back? But…but-

“But what if, what if what I say is not what you wanted? What if I want something you don’t, or if you want something that I don’t?”

Being the first one to reach out, the first one to say something is scary, and Kyungsoo is a coward. He’ll do many things, many brave things, or at least he’d like to think he would, for family, friends, people he loves. But the fear of rejection is greater than many things in life.

“Then both of us will just have to live with that. You think it was easy for me? You don’t think I’m constantly afraid that one day you’ll just, stop responding? Because you want something else? Someone else? Because you’ve found better friends? Better things to do? A better best friend? I’ve been afraid for years.” Chanyeol bites out with clenching teeth. Kyungsoo has only ever seen him so hostile a handful of times in all these years, and never so hurt.

“You shouldn’t have been afraid of that,” he says quietly, ashamed for the look of anguish in Chanyeol’s eyes.

“How was I supposed to know when you never, give, me, anything?” Chanyeol yells out the last of his sentence, heavy breaths making his shoulders rise and fall.

Kyungsoo’s body flinches and sways backwards at Chanyeol’s outburst. If Chanyeol had never said anything, he would never have thought how his silence might have been cruel to Chanyeol’s fragile affections. He likes Chanyeol obviously, he doesn’t have a better best friend, doesn’t have better things to do than spend time with him. He thought just by being with him all the time, by accepting Chanyeol’s invitations to hang out all the time, meant that he felt the same way as Chanyeol does. Chanyeol always reaches out so Kyungsoo doesn’t have to, it’s just how they are… isn’t it? He hadn’t meant to hurt him, he cares for Chanyeol a lot. So much. Why isn’t it obvious? It’s so obvious to Kyungsoo. Why are they here now, so many years later, standing at this cross road? The next time they see each other at a public event, they might be crossing paths as strangers.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo’s face crumbles, voice cracking. That would be so awful, to see Chanyeol give him a swift nod when they catch each other’s eye on the red carpet or at an award ceremony after party, and see him move onto speaking to another person, expression unchanging. No more private smiles, playful lift of an eyebrow, conspiring smirks. Chanyeol will shy away if he ever puts his arm around his waist again, Kyungsoo’s hand would be holding onto a forearm that tenses and pulls away.

Chanyeol looks distressed but doesn’t move forward to hug him, to console him like he usually would. Kyungsoo understands. Chanyeol is standing his ground. This is the end of the road. If Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, if Kyungsoo still doesn’t say anything, Chanyeol would- this time, he’s really going to-

“Please stay with me.”

“Why?” Chanyeol asks immediately. He is not giving him an inch.

Damn it, he already asked him to stay out loud. What more does he want from him?

“Because I’d like you to.”

“Why, Kyungsoo?”

He’s sorry, he’s been so selfish. He’s so sorry. But don’t push. Please don’t push. Does he actually have to face it? To think, to evaluate what he feels? This- this thing that’s happening between them, that’s sucking the life out of both of them by being buried six feet under. Buried by Kyungsoo. This thing seems so vague and intangible to him, even though it’s so obvious. What they’re doing, what Kyungsoo’s been feeling, what Chanyeol perhaps feels too, is so murky. They’re friends, friendships are safe. Kyungsoo is happy like this. But if Chanyeol ever finds someone better to spend his time with, if one of those dating rumours was ever confirmed as truth, Kyungsoo knows, regretfully clearly, exactly how he would feel about that.

But Chanyeol hasn’t found anyone new, nor has he found a girlfriend yet, as far as Kyungsoo knows. So it was good, what they had was enough. It has been enough for so long. Kyungsoo is complacent, likes that he’s settled in what was comfortable for him. Let Chanyeol make the effort, since he didn’t seem to mind. Kyungsoo will wait for that text that always comes, waits for him to show up at his door like he always does. Reach out to me, Kyungsoo would think, and Chanyeol would. He would just take and take and take. But turns out Chanyeol does mind, and he’s leaving. He’s leaving because Kyungsoo had wanted an easy way out, had wanted to take advantage of that eagerness, that affection that Chanyeol is always bursting with. However subconsciously, Kyungsoo now knows that he had always been cruel.

Chanyeol can’t leave, because Kyungsoo won’t know how to cope. Kyungsoo is so sorry. But he’s also so scared. What if Chanyeol is simply looking for validation of their friendship? What if he just wants Kyungsoo to tell him he treasures him as his best friend too? It’s not illogical for him to want a more balanced friendship, one where Kyungsoo isn’t a callous arsehole and would reciprocate his affections more often, make Chanyeol feel that he’s wanted as a friend too.

Kyungsoo already knew stating your affection for someone is terrifying, but when faced with the need to actually do it, the challenge seems insurmountable. What if Chanyeol doesn’t feel the same? He said they’ll just have to live with it, but how? How can Kyungsoo possibly live knowing that he drifted away from his best friend of so many years because one wanted something the other didn’t? Kyungsoo knows that if Chanyeol doesn’t feel the same way, things will get awkward and they’ll just end up not being close friends either. The chances of them coming out of this still as friends are so fucking low. It’s so, so risky. But if he doesn’t say anything, Chanyeol will leave. He would rather they drift apart for a reason, than to have Chanyeol leave him because of his own cowardice.

“Because I love you.” Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut and lets the three heavy syllables fall softly from his lips as a whisper. He’s too afraid to see Chanyeol’s expression. His life is about to take a sharp turn and he’s too afraid to watch the tracks change.

He snaps his eyes open when he hears footsteps rapidly advancing towards him. He flinches when he sees Chanyeol moving quickly. He’s suddenly so close, Kyungsoo thinks he’s going to get thrown out of Chanyeol’s flat, or Chanyeol’s going to hit him, shake him, ask him What the fuck?

But what actually happens is Chanyeol leaning down and pulling him forward roughly into a harsh kiss. Kyungsoo’s body locks up from the built up tension before relief floods him and he pulls Chanyeol in closer with his hands pressed against his back. His hands are still trembling so he clenches his fist around Chanyeol’s shirt harder to try to mask it but it’s no use, the sudden come down from an adrenalin rush means he’s still shaking. Chanyeol seems to sense this and his hand comes up to cup Kyungsoo’s cheek, before slipping it further back to stroke the nap of his neck. The kiss turns soft, as the residual anger and desperation turn into love and comfort.

“Thank you,” Chanyeol says against his lips when they pull apart. He rests his forehead against Kyungsoo’s as he continues to stroke his hair.

“I love you.” Kyungsoo’s voice wobbles, all sorts of emotions crashing through his mind and body, making him unable to think clearly. There’s only relief and white noise.

“I know,” Chanyeol nods against him, “I know now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I love you too.”

They stay like this for a little while longer, enjoying each other’s presence after the longest period of separation in recent memory. Kyungsoo can drown himself in this forever, still high off his confession and basking in the warm glow of reciprocated affection. He regrets all the heartache he has caused Chanyeol, but he wouldn’t trade this moment for the world. He’ll be better for it. He now knows that his silence is a form of selfishness in the perspective of others, and he’ll make sure his actions don’t leave Chanyeol feeling lonely and unwanted ever again. He only wishes that Chanyeol will never regret him.

A moment later, Chanyeol pulls away and bends down to pick up the Rilakkumas from the floor. Kyungsoo must have accidentally let go of them earlier.

“How rude,” he says with the corner of his lips turned up as he dusts off the two dolls gently, as if they would actually feel pain if he padded them any harder.

“Someone suddenly pulled me into a kiss, I had more important things on my mind.”

Chanyeol peers at him with a teasing glint playing in his eyes.

“So,” he elongates the word to play up his blatantly fake nonchalance, “you do talk to my Rilakkumas.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. If he thought they would pretend that he never said that, he was clearly sorely mistaken. “Yes, but not like you do. I only talk to them when you’re not around. I much prefer talking to you.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widens, seconds tick pass as he clearly still has not regained his ability for speech, not used to Kyungsoo saying anything like that to him at all, ever. He looks like he’s about to fan his cheek with his hand to stop himself from crying.

Kyungsoo half smirks, half smiles.

“I love you.” The three words, the thought, the idea, don’t seem so scary anymore once he’s climbed through the barrier and conquered the crippling fear of saying it once. Of even just facing it and admitting it to himself, really. But it’s worth it, to see the shy smile that Chanyeol tries to bite down on, the one he cannot hide because his whole face smiles with it, his eyes, his cheeks.

Eventually, when Chanyeol seems to be able to move on from Kyungsoo’s onslaught of verbal affections, despite still being speechless, he hums gently as he hands Kyungsoo the Rilakkuma in the cow costume, his other hand still holding the honey bee one against his chest. Kyungsoo takes it and take the hand offered to him, and Chanyeol pulls him further into the apartment.

 end.