Chapter Text
ACT TWO
SCENE ???
SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2020
[JAY is sitting on the couch, using a TV remote to peruse his movie library. A toilet flushes. NICK emerges from offstage. While JAY is maybe three drinks deep, NICK is blackout drunk; somehow, JAY can’t tell that this is the case. He glances sidelong at NICK.]
JAY
Your fly is down.
NICK
[zips] Shit, thank you.
JAY
You’re sure you’re up for another movie? It’s nearly midnight.
NICK
Fuck it, tomorrow’s Sunday! I can sleep in as late as I want.
JAY
I think you’re going to have the worst hangover of your life.
NICK
False, that already happened. Night before graduation. I was still drunk when they gave me my diploma.
JAY
Ever so studious.
NICK
Exactly. So, pick a good movie?
JAY
I have some ideas. If we want to stick to the classic literature theme, we could dive into my Shakespeare folder—
NICK
Ew! No! Fuck Shakespeare!
JAY
[genuinely shocked] …Oh?
NICK
I hate Shakespeare! So goddamn flowery and convoluted.
JAY
Your favorite book is Pride and Prejudice.
NICK
Shut up, it’s not the same! Austen is prose, Shakespeare is all dialogue! Who talks like that?
JAY
Have you considered that, maybe, people attend the theater rather expecting a heightened reality on the stage?
NICK
Well I—why do you care so much? Are you…are you goddamn besties with Shakespeare or something?
JAY
[chuckles] Not quite. I only played a few of his characters.
NICK
… Damn it, I forgot you were a fuckin’ theatre kid. Which characters?
JAY
A guard in Mackers, a faerie in Midsummer, Shylock—
NICK
Shylock?!
JAY
I was the only Jew in my high school theatre department. There was hardly a more appropriate option. Oh, and Hamlet.
NICK
God, of course you played Hamlet. Was this all in high school?
JAY
Yeah, our director found these ten-minute cuts of a bunch of his plays. We performed about a dozen of them in one night. A sort of, ah, Shakespeare revue.
NICK
Okay…and this “revue,” it made you think Shakespeare is wonderful and special and…and fuckin’ essential to society?
JAY
Sure, something like that.
NICK
Then prove it.
JAY
What?
NICK
I don’t know, perform something. Prove to me that Shakespeare really is that good.
JAY
Oh, gosh, um… What do I still remember…?
NICK
Whatever you’ve got is fine.
JAY
Okay, sure. I think I have an audition monologue in there…
[JAY wracks his brain. NICK waits patiently.]
JAY (cont’d)
Alright. Here goes nothing…
[JAY delivers about 20 lines of a Shakespearean monologue, beautifully and expertly. Maybe the words aren’t all right, but the spirit is there. The playwright’s choice would be “rogue and peasant slave” from Hamlet, but the actor should choose a piece that speaks to them. NICK is doubtful at first, but quickly becomes enraptured. When JAY finishes, there is an awed silence.]
NICK
Wow. Okay. Maybe I’m wrong. That was like…actually beautiful.
[JAY is flattered. He doesn’t know what to say, and NICK doesn’t give him a chance to figure it out.]
NICK (cont’d)
But still, Romeo and Juliet ?
[NICK fakes a gag, which turns into a very real gag. JAY lunges at him.]
JAY
Don’t throw up on my couch!
NICK
[recovering himself] I don’t throw up! I promise!
JAY
I’m going to get you a glass of water and a trash can. Don’t move.
[JAY exits. NICK pouts, but does what he’s told. After a few moments, he starts to fan himself.]
NICK
Is it just me or is it, like, crazy hot in here?
JAY (offstage)
Probably the bottle of Pink Whitney taking effect, my friend.
[When he can no longer stand it, NICK says “fuck it” and starts unbuttoning/removing his shirt. Perhaps he ends up in just a snug white tank; maybe he leaves his shirt hanging open, revealing his bare chest. However it happens, NICK is now distinctly Exposed.]
JAY (offstage)
I also don’t believe I’ve seen you eat anything since before the movie started. Shall I grab you some—
[JAY enters, glass of water and trash can in hand. When he lays eyes on NICK’s exposed arms/chest/etc., he stops dead in his tracks. An awkward amount of time passes in silence—JAY staring stupidly, NICK completely baffled.]
NICK
Um? Earth to Gatsby?
JAY
[shaking himself from his stupor] Sorry, sorry. Seem to have… [lying] lost my train of thought. What were we talking about?
NICK
Snacks, I think. And Romeo and Juliet. But I’m good on snacks, for now.
[JAY sits back down, placing the trash can on the ground and the water in NICK’s hand. The latter drinks from it greedily.]
JAY
Ah, yes. I recall. Do I want to know why you dislike Romeo and Juliet?
NICK
Probably not. I had a terrible teacher when I read it, so it’s mostly that. Besides, Lizzy and Darcy are obviously the superior hetero couple in literature.
JAY
Of course. [he is staring again; ogling, even]
NICK
Because Jane Austen understood that the sexiest thing a man can do is be open to change. Hard enough to find in Regency England, but today? Fucking forget about it.
JAY
Uh-huh. [still staring]
NICK
Like, you tell a guy you’re Catholic, and he says that’s fine, but then you hang out with his friends and he calls the Pope “head child molester” right in front of you! And he won’t take it back! So you have to yell at each other in the car, tryna convince him that the vast majority of Catholics also think that shit is despicable, but he says being in the Church at all is being complicit, and you realize you’re talking to a brick wall and that you’ll never be able to make him see that…
[NICK finally notices that JAY is staring.]
NICK (cont’d)
Uh, hey. My eyes are up here?
JAY
[immediately mortified, turning away] Ah, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to— Forgive me, it’s just that— I—
NICK
Hey, don’t even worry about it. [places a hand on JAY’s shoulder, making the energy even weirder] It’s late, we’re tired, yadda yadda. All is forgiven, baby.
[Another awkward silence. NICK removes his hand, eventually. JAY believes that asking the following question is a Bad Idea, but he’s just drunk enough to go for it anyway.]
JAY
So, you’re not looking for…that. What sort of person are you looking for?
NICK
Well, I always used to say I’m looking for my Darcy. [laughs] Being rich wouldn’t hurt, but it’s not about that. I want a guy who cares for other people. A guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. Someone who can love me through all of my flaws.
JAY
[another Bad Idea] Like how you never empty the dishwasher.
NICK
…Yeah. Like that… [finally, an epiphany] Holy shit. You know what? I think I’m looking for someone like…
JAY
[hesitates, then executes Bad Idea #3: he leans in toward NICK] Someone like…?
[NICK looks at JAY carefully. He tries to think this through, but he’s entirely too drunk for that. Just as JAY starts to back off, NICK grabs his collar or the back of his head and pulls him in. An instant before they connect—blackout.]