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Ricky has never been caught off-guard.
He wasn’t an overly emotional person either. He was always that kid who would take the seat in the back of the class. He would be in his own personal bubble. The last person leftover when everyone found their group of friends, but that’s okay.
He didn’t mind being alone.
That’s one less pair of judging eyes to worry about. It’s realizing that people come and go cause that’s life. Throughout university, Ricky would be the passing presence in and out of the classrooms. Ricky knows a lot of people, but he can rarely call them friends. Just only acquaintances.
Almost invisible to the rest of the world.
Almost invisible except for one person who looks up at him so genuinely.
His childhood best friend Kim Gyuvin. He softly smiles at the mere thought of a certain somebody.
_____________________________________
Looking in the mirror, Ricky knows he’s pretty. Fixing his soft blonde hair, he looks in the mirror to really see himself. Soft blonde starting to grow longer than his usual short hair and pink plump lips always hydrated, never chapped. He takes a great deal with taking care of himself. It’s like almost overnight people started to notice him. Ricky didn’t care for the sudden attention on him. He likes being alone without any distractions. He put his walls up to avoid any superficial interactions from people looking for something that was anything but genuine interest.
That was all like that until he met Gyuvin.
He didn’t realize it then.
It all started with Gyuvin’s weird soccer ball rolling onto Ricky’s art supplies laid out in the local park. It was one of the weirdest interactions thinking back:
The perfect sunny day highlighting the radiant grass was the essence of the perfect day. Well, it was until this.
High school Ricky was partially upset when his watercolor palette got ruined. The translucent colors were mixed together on his midterm project. He was partially upset until the biggest goofball with the warmest chocolate eyes came running over.
The lanky soccer player comes running over, “I’m sorry I didn’t how far the soccer ball would go after practicing our penalty kicks. I’m really really sorry.” Its dolly noted the clasped hands in silent prayer, but Ricky rapidly blinked after seeing the tall brown-haired athlete. This guy is seriously too kind for his own good when Ricky thinks about it.
“I’ll forgive you if you make it up to me,” Ricky slightly smiles enjoying the unexpected company of the person in front of him. Like spilled milk, he forgets everything about this current painting dilemma with all focus shifting to talking to this corny guy.
“Name your price, Mister,” The brunette’s big eyes seemed to sparkle under this new prospect between the two.
“Buy me boba after your practice and I’ll sorta forgive you.”
“Considered this a deal after my practice,” Gyuvin holds his hand out to solidify the peace offering. Later to find out that this single handshake would turn Ricky’s world upside down. As if he wasn’t asking for anything but milking this athlete out for boba. Maybe that’s why Ricky was intrigued from the start.
Ricky shakes his hand with a sly smile on his face. He looks up and maintains eye contact with the other, “You got yourself a deal.”
What an idiot, he thought.
What Ricky didn’t know; he would soon be the idiot.
Ricky never had someone who held a candle to his long-term friendship with Gyuvin. Maybe it’s his introverted self that just accepts the friendly, extroverted energy. Yeah, that’s precisely who he is─ a doting puppy who loves mangos.
You see, Gyuvin and Ricky share an apartment as roommates together to cut down on the ridiculous costs of the current housing market. That’s what best friends do become roommates together rather than having a completely random stranger as your roommate, right? Ricky would buy strawberries and mangoes together in his weekly grocery haul. The single thought touches his heart when thinking about his roommate. Gyuvin would buy ice cream with their favorite flavors to dine out during their movie nights. Not to mention, the necessary cuddles to recharge after a long day.
It works so well that the pair look forward to participating in their shared activities. And who doesn’t want to save money as much as they can if possible? It’s nice having someone to come home to. There’s just never a dull moment.
It all started when Gyuvin barged into their apartment’s living room. Ricky was steadily scrolling through the Twitter timeline on his phone in the comforts of his quiet apartment. Suddenly, a kneeling Gyuvin was panting with his hands gripping his knees out of pure exhaustion. Ricky knows Gyuvin is a lot of things and being spontaneous is definitely up on that list. Hence, Ricky continues to watch this entertaining cat video doing cute things. That’s right cats. This small ball of fluff is purring so-
“Earth to Ricky, I’m talking to you” Gyuvin drags his hand up in front of his phone screen blocking his phone screen of the most precious kittens.
Ricky didn’t spare him a glance and continued to scroll while staying put on their living room couch. A comfortable couch to sit through their daily shenanigans, mostly Gyuvin’s if we’re being honest, in their two-bed apartment room.
“Ah, Ricky what should I do,” Gyuvin groans loudly while stretching his arms out. Ricky felt his long arm jab into his personal space right into his sides. With the small playful attack, Ricky knowingly stares up at Gyuvin having a whole conversation with his eyes alone.
Thump
He lightly slapped the fleeting hand for disturbing his precious peace and quiet time after a long day of pointless lectures. Get your head into focus, Ricky ponders to himself.
“How am I supposed to help you if you keep being so annoying”, Ricky snickered.
“I want your moral support and you know I need your everlasting support,” Gyuvin happily teased with the goofiest smile yet that didn’t stop the slight blush on Ricky’s face. Ricky hoped he didn’t give himself away. The flutter of butterflies ran in his stomach whilst his heart rate picked up in speed. He dumbly looks into his best friend’s big chocolate eyes. To drown himself inside the big pools of choc-
“Ricky, answer”
Thump
“What is it, you sort of need to tell me what’s wrong before I can help you, idiot,” Ricky exasperates while maintaining eye contact. Bit by bit getting lost in the momentarily brain fog.
Everyone knows it’s just playful teasing when it comes to each other. This push-and-pull relationship to poke each other just enough without falling too far off the edge. That’s their love language.
“Listen, there’s a house party off campus tonight. I was thinking since I’m going by myself that you would come along as my plus one. How about it,” Gyuvin asks with the smallest pout on his lips.
“What’s in it for me if I do go?”
Gyuvin smiles widely and stands up on his two feet. He turns to Ricky and exclaims, “I will buy you boba to make it up for you. Please please- “
Ricky swiftly covers Gyuvin’s blabbering mouth with his hand. He sighs, “Okay, I will go with you. Let me mentally ready myself for tonight.”
That’s what usually happens in their friendship. Gyuvin would push and push, but never over the edge. A light guiding hand to walk into Gyuvin’s circle, which Ricky wouldn’t have bothered to go if it wasn’t for someone’s big brown eyes.
The notion of being included brings a smile to Ricky’s face.
This wouldn’t be the first time that he got bribed to follow the younger’s little shenanigans. But he never felt forced at any point.
Gyuvin was the stepping stone to help Ricky outside his usual comfort zone. Ricky always found comfort by his side. That warmth you find in someone far from home. Gyuvin is the embodiment of a warm cup of hot chocolate during the cold winter.
Even if it meant going out to some party to fancy him.
Even if Ricky didn’t enjoy attending parties.
Isn’t that what best friends do for each other.
Ricky really does his best to support Gyuvin as much as Gyuvin supports him in his times of need.
_____________________________________
The party wasn’t so bad really. It was nice and cozy with warm lighting around the house.
Ricky starts feeling weird when he sees Gyuvin hanging out with someone new from his usual friend group. The someone new is undoubtably pretty with long, beautiful hair. Everything was okay really until the girl started to playfully smack Gyuvin’s shoulder. Gyuvin didn’t do anything to stop those actions but sharply smiled at the other person.
It's silly to think really.
Ricky bites his lower lip while holding the large red solo cup in his hand. His legs started feeling uneasy standing in the kitchen overseeing this interaction, which left him to overthink every small move. Overthinking is one of Ricky’s weak points during his moments of doubt. That’s when thunder strikes inside his mind during this brewing storm.
Ricky never felt something like this feeling like a ringing in your ears type of feeling. He scans his eyes over to Gyuvin laughing at whatever said person is talking about. Maybe it’s Ricky overthinking, but sometimes the extroverted puppy always had many friends that it shouldn’t bother him this badly. It shouldn’t, but the pit of his stomach dips far too deep. This nasty jealous feeling isn’t clearing up, and he feels sick feeling jealous over something simple. He shouldn’t be jealous of his best friend having other friends. He shouldn’t feel so insecure, but sometimes the nerves eat his insides before he realizes it’s happening.
Ricky slowly brings the water from the cup to his lips to calm himself down. Trying not to overthink about seeing his Gyuvin with some girl sharing smiles and laughs together.
Ricky knows he shouldn’t be feeling this way. It feels wrong to feel jealous. It’s his friends after all, but it’s the taunting thought whispering that he isn’t enough in his head. He knows there are probably better people, even someone healthier and happier than him, who would match perfectly with Gyuvin’s nice and gentle personality.
Is it wrong to want to feel somewhat special among everyone? Is it wrong to want to have someone always thinking about you? Ricky thinks while taking a seat in the dining room. Watching afar.
That’s my best friend. My only best friend who I turn to. That’s my one best friend who Ricky sends unprompted thought messages at 2 am. The best friend turned boyfriend cheesy love story that every rom?com enthusiast would love to hear their story. The person with whom Ricky feels most comfortable without holding back or second-guessing himself. It’s not like that. It’s this gnawing feeling at the thought of being easily replaceable with someone else.
It’s not that Ricky thinks Gyuvin would ever cheat on him.
It's stupid to think this way... You’re overthinking... He is my special someone.
My friend.
Friend
Beloved friend
Boy friend
Boyfriend
When Ricky’s eyes glance over to witness the scene in front of him, an instant pang hits his heart and suddenly his heartbeat is racing. Dazed in the head, he feels completely numb standing there by the kitchen island alone like an idiot. A million thoughts start running altogether as if it’s the start of a 5k marathon.
Why am I so needy... Am I in the wrong to feel these envious feelings over practically nothing
Ricky walks away where his feet are taking him outside without a single thought in his ears. The cold wind pierces his body after realizing he didn’t bring his jacket. He was only wearing his loose sheer black shirt for this occasion. He holds his arms together to his chest and starts walking anywhere. He can’t stay here. He can’t stay back and see what else unfolds. He can’t bear to see anymore. His head getting dizzy by the buzz of his inner thoughts invading every corner of his head. The ringing in his ear mutes his surroundings areas until his feet find a spot.
He sits down on the cold curbside thinking how silly it is. Ricky looks up at the starless dark sky and takes a deep sigh trying to stay calm. The way his heart yearns for Gyuvin with the growing distance between them.
Ricky fidgets with his hands aimlessly thinking that nothing truly scares him than being somewhat insecure of his own personality. It’s always an itching reminder that randomly pops up during some days. Wondering if he’s too much to handle. Too much emotional baggage. A sane person would ask for reassurance, but sometimes it feels like the one asking comes off as annoying and weak. And Ricky never wants to feel weak even though Gyuvin wouldn’t reject his suggestion.
Almost stupid, he thinks and grips the cold grass in his hands. And just cries.
Crying
But why am I crying, Ricky thought. He was trying to genuinely understand his current feelings, but there was a huge wall blocking him from walking any further. Even to himself, he doesn’t understand why.
The attempt to process this state of mind is too exhausting because then he would have to admit his emotional outburst aloud. It feels attention-seeking to even think about it. Ricky gulps down and the instant feeling of a dry mouth hits him.
It's so easy to push everyone away till the people, who care for him, just leave. It’s something to prevent himself from being hurt by others. Before being hurt by someone you care for so much, the idea of going completely mute and silent to the point of becoming unresponsive is to prevent getting hurt by someone else’s hands. The feeling of not being enough or under-deserving is almost like living with imposter syndrome. The seed of doubt follows him as a shadow unknowingly until it creeps in during such a moment of insecurity.
It's a weird feeling. Feeling so below like wanting to have that care but once given inching so far away because you’re scared to lose it. As if the overwhelming emotion of love turns into sand. Ricky tries to hold everything in his hand, but the sand sweeps down his fingers. Slowly leaving his grasp.
It's something that just completely leaves Ricky alone to suffer without shame. It’s somewhat comforting knowing nobody’s watching his mental downfall that caused the tears to gush down his face.
Ricky wishes to not be so insecure about himself.
He wishes he was strong enough to accept Gyuvin’s love in a healthy manner without feeling scared that it’ll disappear at any time.
Wishing one day he was just mentally well enough to be happy without feeling scared.
Ricky breathes in short quick breaths as if he’s drowning too far down in the abyss of his sorrowful thoughts. Placing a hand and fist over his chest where his heart lays as if it’ll wake his heart up from the wave of sadness. This gut-wrenching feeling that swallows his entire self in one bite. The dark fog takes up more and more space to hit his weak points of insecurity.
But that doesn’t make him hate Gyuvin any less.
In an alternative life, Ricky wouldn’t feel so much doubt and insecurity standing by Gyuvin’s side. To feel deserving of such unconditional love. To feel enough. To be enough. To stand up proudly without any insecurities.
The sound of footsteps inch closer until it comes into eyesight. The tip of Gyuvin’s chunky white sneaker.
Ricky didn’t expect him to leave the party altogether. All just to find Ricky losing his mind on a random street at nearly midnight. It’s almost pitiful how Gyuvin puts up with Ricky’s lows and highs.
To push and shove any feeling far away before it’s fully processed. Even Ricky doesn’t understand his own actions most of the time. But just maybe this is what Ricky needed all along which was already given ever since meeting Gyuvin.
A loving and caring friend.
“Baobei. Look at me please I’m right here with you”, Gyuvin softly says with the softest smile on his face when Ricky looks up.
Someone who will genuinely care for him. This thought only ran around and Gyuvin’s soft words instantly melted into his wounded heart.
Ricky just starts crying and hugging Gyuvin. It doesn’t matter to Gyuvin if Ricky feels insecure because he will always comfort his precious cat. He will always accept and reassure Ricky every single time. It doesn’t matter because Gyuvin loves Ricky. That every corner of his head is filled with lovelicky. The lovelicky, who he knows well, is the softest soul despite the walls he built so tall and sharp. Gyuvin will always be there to catch Ricky every time he falls. He will be there waiting to hold him.
Ricky.
Almost as if he’s a tall, beautiful red rose with thorns.
Yet, those thorns never stopped Gyuvin from holding the red rose close to his heart.
Kim Gyuvin loves Ricky Shen.
Gyuvin softly pats his teary-eyed boyfriend and just melts into the hug where he just engulfs the cat in the biggest embrace.
“Ricky Shen, don’t you ever forget that because I’m not going anywhere. A place without you isn’t a place worth staying in. I don’t care if you feel anything or nothing because I will love every single piece of you with my heart. If I ever had to choose, then I would choose to be your lover every single time.” Gyuvin proudly announces with adoring eyes reflecting outward.
Ricky silently cries then looking into Gyuvin’s eyes. Relief pools into his eyes and he sighs deeply thinking, “How did I ever get so lucky to have found you, Gyuvin.”
Ricky wraps his arms around Gyuvin’s neck and melts their bodies into one. He brings their faces so close that their noses are touching. His legs lock Gyuvin in place when he sits in his lap.
“I love you so much that I’m so afraid I would’ve spiraled into a mess without you. Sometimes I think why on earth do you even like me.”
Gyuvin’s arm wraps around Ricky’s waist as if it’s his emotional support blanket to keep him anchored. That’s what Gyuvin was for him: His anchor from falling too deep into despair. The loving arm to catch him if he strays away too far.
Gyuvin hums, “With the way Ricky acts, how can I not fall for you.”
Ricky softly smiles thinking and immediately presses soft kisses to Gyuvin’s face until he closes the distance between their lips to kiss.
Ricky feels the intensity of their love radiating whenever they’re together. Nobody can ever take Gyuvin away from Ricky.
The sudden desire rips in his stomach and the longing to keep Gyuvin close by his side. The sudden grip on his waist indicates that his boyfriend would probably agree to just kissing and giggling together.
Gyuvin breaks from the kiss for a second with their foreheads touching.
“If I could, then I would smother you into bacon bits.”
“Don’t talk about bacon I don’t even like it, dork.”
“Hey! You ate it that one time I cooked it for our breakfast in bed meal” Gyuvin pouts with his big brown eyes looking right back at him.
“That was the first and last time I ever had bacon.”
“Oh,” Gyuvin softly exclaims.
“Oh?”
“You love me so much you ate bacon for me,” Ricky rolls his eyes. He slightly looks up to catch a glimpse of Gyuvin’s face to see the younger pouting with the most adorable, tainting puppy eyes staring back at him.
“How did your head just only capture that bit of information.”
“Don’t worry, I love you. With how you are, how can I not fall for you.”
“Oh wow,” Ricky couldn’t stop the smile from forming on his face. The way the moonlight perfectly captures his lover’s face.
Almost angelic.
Ricky giggled thinking about how this guy is basically his guardian angel.
Gyuvin pouts and crosses his arms, “Hey, you didn’t say I love you back.”
Ricky seems to catch on and teases, “Oh I didn’t, right.” Gyuvin suddenly crushes Ricky into the biggest bear hug attack where his arms wrap around Ricky’s waist. Capturing his prey.
Ricky caught off guard laughs with a face blushing like a red tomato from the attack. He tries to catch his breath and manages to spill out, “Gyubi please.”
“Ricky, I love you. Now, say it back properly,” Gyuvin whispers into his ear and it doesn’t go unnoticed when Ricky feels tingles from the younger slightly biting his ear. His body goes weak and his mind instantly goes on autopilot. Before any rational thinking, his lips move faster than his head.
“I love you too.”
Gyuvin smiles widely with a glimmer in his eyes, “You better because I can’t live without Ricky.”
Once Ricky starts to relax, he jokingly hits Gyuvin’s arm with a light blush on his cheek. How could he ever doubt his self-worth when he has the biggest loving klutz on his side. The lightest hue of pink brushes across his cheeks whenever Gyuvin attempts his crazy lame responses. The softest giggle comes out and lovingly looks up to Gyuvin’s big brown loving eyes shining back at him.
Despite the slight cold wind blowing in their faces. It doesn’t stop the warmth growing inside his body.
Ricky knows he isn’t the ideal type of person because when everything becomes too overwhelming then he just disappears out of fear. It’s his coping mechanism— finding comfort in being distant when dealing with his own unsaid struggles. He tries to do better, but sometimes it happens without him noticing, by then it’s too late.
Ricky starts playing with the ends of Gyuvin’s sweater to stay grounded.
It’s terrible. The instant neuron connection from hating to feeling unwanted to becoming distant to avoid rejection from the other person. If he’s the one pulling away, then it should hurt less, right?
Ricky won’t admit it himself. He knows words of affirmation comfort his out-of-pocket anxiety scares when everything seems doomed and done. To ask for reassurance is embarrassing because it’s almost like he’s begging for attention or maybe he was overacting. Yet, all those dark thoughts wash away whenever he puts his face in Gyuvin’s chest holding on tight in this bear hug.
This is what comfort feels like a warm loving embrace to remember he is loved.
Maybe just maybe he deserves to feel loved.
Slowly but surely, Ricky will accept this love wholeheartedly.