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“I heard she only hangs out with her because she’s smart.”
“Whaaat? Mafuyu’s so nice, she’s probably making an effort to make her feel included…”
“I guess… She never has time to help me study anymore, though… I know it’s only a favor, but still…!”
Mafuyu strides around the corner into the classroom, cheerful as ever. “Shouldn’t you study more so you don’t need my help?”
Her classmate nearly jumps out of her seat. “…Ah! I’m so sorry, Mafuyu… I didn’t…”
“…See I was coming?” she finishes, before flashing a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m just kidding.”
She visibly sighs in relief. “Haha… sorry. You’re right, though. I’ll make sure to try harder!”
“That’s the spirit,” says Mafuyu, with another warm smile, before passing them by to her own desk. Another crowd forms there, though, as if in a blink.
“Hi, Mafuyu!” another girl says, leaning over her desk. “Did you see the new single from…”
She’s heard of the group before, but doesn’t keep up with them. “No, I haven’t. Did you like it?”
Nodding enthusiastically, she starts tapping on her phone. “It was sooooo good! Here, you can listen on my—“
“Hey, don’t force Mafuyu to listen to your stuff,” her neighbor chides. “She probably doesn’t like to that kind of music anyway.”
With an apologetic smile, Mafuyu shakes her head. “I’d love to hear it, but class is about to start. I’ll make sure to give it a listen later, okay?”
She jumps. “Ah, that’s right!” And sure enough, their instructor walks through the door a moment later. “Tell me if you like it!” she says excitedly before scurrying to her seat.
“I will,” she laughs.
Truthfully, Mafuyu thinks that the group’s music is vapid, brainless slop, intended to satiate the masses by having as little personality as possible. Inoffensive in a manner both repulsive and spineless. What a joke.
She wishes her classmates would stop asking her for things, like piling straw on a camel’s back. Of course, she wishes for this every single day, and never has it been granted.
It feels like, and it’s been years now, only one good thing has ever happened at this school.
Staring at the clock, she waits.
Mafuyu stands patiently at the door to the classroom down the hall.
Always a spill of people she has to tactfully ignore, waiting politely beside the door. It’s loud. Doesn’t bother her as much as it should. Actually, now that she thinks about it, it definitely does, and she has the strange urge to cover her ears. So loud. They’re all so loud.
Her heart flips. None of that matters at all. Through the door, head turning to look around and all over, walks her good thing.
“Kanade,” she calls, softer than she intended.
She turns, and her face lights up. “Mafuyu…”
It’s been about a month since Kanade transferred to her school. After how poorly she’d been doing, her grandmother wanted her to finish her education in person. Obviously, it’s very good for her, even if she whines and complains, but Mafuyu is more concerned with getting to see her every day, propriety be damned.
They walk, not so far apart.
“Was it okay today?” asks Kanade, quiet.
“No.” They’re in a crowded area, so she keeps her peppy attitude. “It never is, you know.”
“…Yeah. Sorry.”
A lively smile remains clinging to her face. “It’s perfectly fine.”
Kanade’s hand brushes hers, but she pulls it back, seemingly thinking better of it.
Outside, the courtyard is scattered with people, individuals and groups. The two of them don’t eat there. Instead, they take a turn around the building. There’s a bench on the path that no one uses, and they’ve claimed it as theirs. Not much is back here. Nice and lonely.
Instead of taking out her lunch, when they sit down, Mafuyu sinks her head into Kanade’s shoulder, dropping all pretenses. “I missed you,” she mumbles. It’s been two days.
“I know,” she says, pulling her into her lap. “I missed you too.”
“Can you…”
Kanade runs her fingers over Mafuyu’s hair. “You want me to do that?”
Nod.
She obliges. There’s something she always does, where her careful touch never messes up Mafuyu’s hair, but the feeling still reaches all down her back in a tingling sensation. If she could, whenever she earns the privilege of Kanade’s lap, she’d never leave. She clings to their moments together like water flowing between her fingers.
If they were found like this, the rumors would only get worse. She’s always afraid. Of how she’d be treated, of what would happen, of whether it would get back to… to…. never mind.
Funny enough, she also likes the idea of being seen with another girl, one they see as so beneath her, and making it clear that she loves her more than all of them, that only Kanade can come so close to her heart.
The concept of dating goes against her whole carefully crafted image. So it’s paralyzing to think of being recognized, of being seen. But this is a part of who she is. She’s so selfish, so tired of pretending. She wants to be hated, to be envied, to be loved, to be scorned. To be known.
Kanade pats her shoulder. “You wanna eat?”
“…Yeah.”
She sits up, moving over on the bench for space, and takes her lunch out of her bag. God, it’s nice to eat without a bunch of people around.
…Stare. This is always the hard part. Looking at food makes her sick.
Nudging her, Kanade asks, “Do you want mine instead?”
“No thanks.” She shakes her head. “Not like I could tell the difference anyway.”
“…Ah, yeah…”
Mafuyu takes a bite. It’s the same as always. She begins to wonder if she’ll ever taste anything again. Like it matters at this point.
She looks over. Kanade is cute when she eats. Like a rabbit. Oh, and she’s looking at Mafuyu, too, but averts her eyes when she notices. Too shy…
There’s a couple kids on the path coming towards them. Mafuyu feels the urge, all of a sudden, to do something strange.
“Hey, Kanade,” she says sweetly, causing her to look up again, curious. She holds a bite in her chopsticks in front of Kanade’s mouth. “Say ahhh…”
Her eyes widen in shock, but she opens her mouth, letting Mafuyu feed her just in time for those girls to walk by, gawking. Maybe this was a bad idea. She feels a little sick. Nerves.
Kanade gets flustered pretty easily, and after that, her whole face turns red. Suddenly, Mafuyu’s glad she did it.
“Why…” she stammers. “You know they were watching, right?”
“I know.”
“Then…”
Mafuyu fidgets. “Not sure. Wanted to.”
“It’s, um.” She pauses. “It’s not bad. I… I liked it.”
Grabbing another bite, she holds it up to Kanade’s face. “Here…”
She blinks before opening her mouth once again. Mafuyu stares at her while she swallows. Maybe that’s strange.
“I like to watch you,” she offers.
Kanade stares at her.
“Sorry,” she says. “I thought of it. I wanted to tell you.”
But she breaks into a smile. “No, I just… I felt really happy when you said that. I don’t care if it’s embarrassing…”
“Oh.”
“I like you,” she says.
Mafuyu has to stop and consider.
“I think.” (Well, think harder.) “I. I like being with you.”
Snuggling up against her shoulder, lunch forgotten, Kanade murmurs, “…Thank you.”
The moment only hurts so much because it can’t last forever. There’s never any time.
…She breathes, and lets their fingers intertwine, hand seeking hand. They’re together for a little while longer. It’s okay. They have nights, though it isn’t the same. But it’s there. They’ll be together.
Kanade gives her hand a squeeze. “It’s okay. I love you.”
“…I love you too.”