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“Emily...” JJ’s tone came out sympathetic as she found herself meeting the hard gaze of her soon to be ex-colleague on her doorstep, still donned in her charcoal suit and black peacoat. Her straight, dark locks scattered wildly behind her from a punishing gust of wind, and she reluctantly let out a small shiver, as if too stubborn to give in to the cold’s demands. If it had been any other day, JJ might have even smiled at the sight.
Instead, she sighed with resignation, sweeping away a few stray golden strands from her face while stepping back behind her doorway. Emily shuffled into the warm interior, only sporting a tight lipped frown, her brows scrunched ever so slightly. JJ clicked the lock back in place and pressed her fingers to her temple, not ready for another emotionally charged conversation. Truthfully, she normally admired the way the brunette was fiercely protective of her team members, and maybe she should have expected a visit from her after the bitter news of the day. But right now, she was exhausted. And placating a ticked-off Emily was a feat in and of itself.
“Emily,” she repeated in a tired voice, folding her arms, resting her back against the door. The brunette was silent in response, shoving her hands further in her pockets while half heartedly wiping her boots. Finding her voice, she managed to croak, “Jay, I’m….” before trailing off and finally shifting her eyes from the ground to lock eyes.
The intensity of her friend’s mocha stare was unnerving, flecks of rage lurking in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to present. But she knew Emily far too intimately to be fooled. She knew this anger was foil, a cover to protect against the helplessness, the bottomless well of pain that scratched at her heart until it bled. She knew because she felt it too.
Being met with nothing but gentle patience, Emily nodded to herself, biting her lower lip in thought. “I’m sorry this is happening,” she began with a deep breath, “but we won’t stop fighting it. I need you to know that. Strauss can’t force you into a promotion.” There was steel in her voice, but also a note of desperation, something JJ knew only after studying her the better part of four years.
JJ sighed again, running a hand behind her ear. She stepped closer and slowly unfastened the buttons of Emily’s coat, moving it off her shoulders. She had no energy for an argument, not after fighting this promotion for weeks and especially not after the emotional turmoil of today’s case. Any anger, resentment, disappointment had all been squeezed out, and as much as she despised Strauss, she understood that even she wasn’t the one calling the shots here. She had to accept it and move on. She carefully hung the heavy fabric on the nearby coat rack and vaguely gestured to the living room before retreating into the kitchen.
Emily watched on after her, anger momentarily tamed by the simple tenderness of it all. The anger which had now turned to embarrassment, for intruding like this, for not considering if Henry was home, for giving in to her selfish desire to see her best friend in private, as if this was just another rough case they needed to unpack before the fresh horrors of the next one. Emily slowly slipped off her boots and blazer, scolding herself for not changing out of her work clothes before coming. Yet the cozy interior of JJ’s town home had an unexplainable, soothing effect, and within seconds she had forgotten about any discomfort. She settled herself on the plush couch just as JJ emerged with a bottle of cabernet and two accompanying glasses. Their usual. It was then that Emily finally took stock of JJ’s condition. She had on heather gray sweats and a faded white concert t-shirt. Her makeup was slightly smeared but otherwise untouched from the day, the violet eyeshadow still creating a stunning contrast for her stormy irises. Despite her effortless beauty, however, she appeared utterly spent, under eyes puffy and hair knotted in a partial bun. She was hit with another wave of guilt for showing up like this, ill considerate of her friend’s state of mind.
“Emily,” JJ started, as she poured out the drinks and plopped down next to her. “I know none of us wanted this, but it’s done. I meant what I said in the bullpen. And it’s not even in Strauss’s control.” She took a long sip from her glass and placed a hand on the brunette’s arm. “There’s nothing more to fight,” she said softly.
The taller agent took a deep breath, eyes drawn to the thumb stroking her fine hairs. “I can get you out of this,” she pleaded, undeterred. “My mother has contacts in the State Department, and I’m sure if I-”
“Emily, no. Listen to me. It’s done, okay?” she replied in an even voice, offering a resigned look. She lifted her hand and placed it on the brunette’s shoulder. “I’m sick of this tug of war, and I just want it all to be over. Let it go.” She knew Emily wasn’t quite the “letting go” type, but she had to try anyway. After all, extending this out was only making the cuts deeper. Making it that much harder to leave her BAU family of seven years.
Surprised but emboldened by her friend’s silence, she gently prodded. “Besides, you hate politics. You especially hate them when your mother is involved. Where is this even coming from?”
Emily’s jaw tightened. “It doesn’t matter about what I think. If this is what it takes to keep you where you belong, then damn it, I’ll make it happen,” she let out in a harsh whisper. Her tone was cold, distant, but JJ’s face softened. There it was. The tone her colleague used when she had to prevent her emotions from influencing the case. The tone she used when she had to be Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss and not Emily, because Emily was far too empathetic. JJ knew she was the only one to ever catch glimpses of the real Emily, the only one to witness the aftermath in cramped hotel rooms. In fact, the blonde had always admired the duality, that while Agent Prentiss stared down unsubs with no hesitation, Emily let herself cry for the victims and their families after hours.
JJ remained speechless, touched by the sentiment but more so concerned about her friend’s compartmentalization. She needed Emily now, not Agent Prentiss. She let the silence wash over them for a few awkward moments before choosing her next words deliberately. “Yes, Em, it does matter,” she reminded, ducking down to catch her gaze again. “And I’m not about to let you go through with that. Not a chance.”
Emily knew she was in the wrong for even suggesting it, but the thought of losing her closest confidant had her blood boiling. She scooted closer to the younger agent, soaking her in as if it were the last time. Hell, for all she knew, it would be the last time. Between juggling the long hours of a state department job and caring for Henry without Will in the household anymore, JJ would have her hands full. To hope she would also find time to meet with her old team, keeping in mind their unpredictably brutal schedule, was unfathomable. And this was all if she remained in D.C. and wasn’t sent out for a position elsewhere. She was vaguely aware of salty droplets at the tip of her lips before she felt herself wrapped in a warm hug.
JJ let herself grip tightly onto the brunette, finally able to do so in the privacy of her home. She was unsure of what her future job would entail, but leaving her colleagues behind was twisting the knife like nothing else. Leaving Emily behind. Truth be told, she depended on her best friend far more than she’d ever admit. Emily carried her through every case involving kids, every looming panic attack, every bland day of paperwork at the office. There was nothing she appreciated more than an impromptu afternoon coffee break when the other agent knocked on her door with an apologetic smile. In turn, she found herself bringing over files individually just for an excuse to stop by the brunette’s desk every couple hours. It gave her a chance to unwind, to take her mind off the murders, and, she thought unbiddenly, to bask in that slow smile Emily always seemed to put on for her. She wasn’t oblivious to the way her heart fluttered when Emily chose to sit next to her on the jet. And while she never kept track of Reid or Garcia coming into work, she could always sense the moment Emily strode into the bullpen. No, JJ perfectly understood that at some point, though she couldn’t pinpoint it, her feelings had morphed into something far more powerful than friendship. But she had gotten good at hiding the signs, a skill she had crafted to near perfection. And now here she was, years later, bereft of any reasons to hide them, yet tasked with a future that seemed all too dim.
She leaned back to swipe her thumbs across pale cheeks before placing a quick peck on the tear-stained skin. She admitted with a dark chuckle, “You know, Strauss even tried to use motherhood to guilt me into taking the job.”
At that, Emily’s eyes widened. “I’ll blacklist that bitch,” she muttered.
JJ couldn’t help but grin, glad that the tension had eased up a bit. “I think even Hotch would give you a hug if you accomplished that.” She felt a cool hand on top of hers and looked up, her smile fading as soon as she noticed the serious expression.
“You being a mother only makes you better at your job. While we all go running around the crime scenes, you’re left with the impossible task of consoling these parents and…,” she let out a humorless laugh and shook her head, much like she did three hours ago. “And you just had to do the job too damn well.”
The younger agent took a deep breath before responding, figuring there was no better time to have this conversation. “Em, I should be thanking you. You have had my back since day one, before you even knew me. You’re the only one who never blamed me after Hankel, and I still don’t know why.” She took another sip from her glass, thinking for a moment. “You let me use BAU resources to track down a stalker,” she continued, “when I was just hormonal with the pregnancy. And a while ago, you defended my theory about the child abduction when Morgan doubted me.”
She saw Emily open her mouth, ready to brush off the compliments. “No, Em, let me finish,” she said almost harshly. The brunette sighed, clearly uncomfortable with the string of praise. JJ furrowed her eyebrows slightly, chewing on her lower lip. “But more than any of that, I want to thank you for being there for me.” She didn’t miss how Emily’s eyes visibly relaxed at the admission.
“Thanks for secretly putting Garcia up to those girls' nights when a case hit hard.” Her eyes poured into her colleague’s, emphasizing her every word. “And for, you know, coming by here with a bottle of wine if I wasn’t in the mood,” she added with a small smile.
“You’d do the same for me Jayje,” Emily quickly pointed out, somewhat defensively. JJ chuckled, fighting the tears that were beginning to form.
“You’re the worst at taking compliments,” she muttered before reestablishing eye contact. “I wanted to thank you for holding me through god knows how many nightmares. And for working overtime, so I could go home early and spend time with Henry.” She could hear her voice cracking and didn’t bother to dam the river that had been set free. “So how the hell was I supposed to thank you for all of that in the bullpen today? How, just how do I say goodbye to someone like you?”
Emily’s eyes pricked, fresh with her own tears, as she embraced the shaking woman. Too overwhelmed with emotion to speak, she simply rested her chin above golden locks, stroking them reverently. She wasn’t sure how long she had loved the media liaison, but taking care of her had simply become second nature. Because if JJ was in pain, Emily was too. If JJ was happy, then Emily was on cloud nine. She had never met anyone quite as empathetic, as patient, and as diligent with her work. Seeing her take such good care of Henry, despite the crazy hours, only doubled the respect for her colleague. A murmur from below jolted her out of her thoughts.
“I can feel your eyes on me whenever I walk into the room.” JJ was no longer shaking, but let out a soft sniffle.
Emily’s arms tensed around the blonde’s frame. She wasn’t prepared for this conversation, though she’d imagined it countless times. After all, the woman was practically a profiler herself. How could she not notice? Emily silently cursed the way her heart was racing a mile a minute, maybe faster, with the object of her affection leaning right up against it.
JJ smiled into her neck, emboldened by the reaction of the normally collected profiler. “I know you watch me when I’m asleep on the jet. And I have no proof of this, but I’m pretty sure you have dirt on Reid to get him to shut up on our trips home.”
Emily couldn’t shake the grin that broke through her nerves. Still holding the younger woman, she rubbed her back tenderly, as she had on so many occasions, in so many hotel rooms. “And why do you think that?”
“Oh I wasn’t sure at first,” JJ admitted, resting her head comfortably on Emily’s shoulder now. “After a year of interrupted naps, I thought maybe I just became a heavy sleeper. Once I had Henry though, even the smallest noise made me panic, so I knew for sure that wasn’t it. And then I thought about how suspicious it all was, how I started sleeping well only a month after you joined the team.”
Emily laughed lightly, again realizing she’d underestimated her friend’s perceptiveness. “I may or may not buy him a few books every month in exchange for precious silence.” She smiled fondly as her mind switched to the boy genius. The kid’s penchant for reading had even revitalized her own thirst for knowledge. How could she not indulge him with his favorite pastime? A soft brush against her cheek brought her out of the reverie, and when she looked down, her heart jumped.
JJ was leaning back, still half entangled in her arms, and looking up at her with an almost childlike wonder, eyes moist once again. “The things you do for me, Em,” she whispered.
Emily wanted to respond, to somehow change the topic, but she had no words. It had never really occurred to her to actually act on her impulses, even when the two of them were snuggled close on the same bed. It had never seemed like a real possibility. At first, it was concern over losing the best job she’d ever had, losing a family she had just discovered. Then, there was Will and the pregnancy, and any hopes she may have had, any fantasies she may have played out, were crushed. But it was impossible to turn it off, to not love Jennifer Jareau. So she continued to care from a distance, letting the years go by, knowing her place as a supportive friend. And that was okay. She had made peace with it long ago. But hearing these words from her lips, seeing that something in her baby blues, it was just too much. And every emotion she had ever felt came rushing back, as if from muscle memory.
Another gentle stroke, this time on her chin. JJ had tipped down her face, not waiting for a response before pressing her lips against hers, so quickly that Emily barely registered it happened. “Thank you,” JJ whispered.
Dark chocolate orbs stared back at her in shock, and the liaison could feel the vibrations from the pounding in the profiler’s chest. She felt an identical thumping in her own chest. She’d known the older agent would never have taken the first step, and she hadn’t planned to either. But with all of the pain and exhaustion of the day, something in her just snapped. And she suddenly didn’t give a damn. She stared back into her favorite pair of eyes, only now noticing the fear radiating so intensely.
Emily held her breath, choking back sobs and ignoring the pressure in her chest, which felt like it could burst any minute. Her mind was screaming at her to leave, to leave right now, but the blonde was wearing this familiar expression, one of simple acceptance, one that had clouded her judgment on innumerable occasions. One that looked too achingly similar to love. She almost shivered when she felt warm hands trail up her neck and into her hair. JJ brought her face torturously close once again.
“Hey, you’re okay,” JJ told her gently, before capturing her in another kiss, one that made her chest feel tight, had her eyes prickling again. Emily’s mind went blank, the surge of affection nearly crippling. She took control and slowed the pace even further, basking in the warmth of the moment, the intimacy making clear this could never be written off as a mistake.
You are my life, she wanted to say, as they finally parted, but despite the charged hum of emotion enveloping them, reality was shoving its way into her thoughts. Their circumstances hadn’t changed. JJ was still leaving. Emily still had no time off from work to even-
“I know,” JJ whispered, a tender glint in her eyes as she recognized the stream of emotions mirrored in the profiler. “I know.” She kissed her on the cheek once more and loosely wrapped her arms around Emily, resting her head back against her shoulder. There were no words left. And to Emily, a goodbye had never before felt so shattering.