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In the present time its 2:20 pm. The air and cold and biting in the Hospital Wing. Everything is bright and the smell of cleanliness stings Remus’s nose. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, something feels off, more so than usual. A deep unsettling feeling has rooted itself deep beneath his rib cage. It’s quiet. The quiet is burning his ears. It’s his sixth year at Hogwarts.
He hasn’t felt this creeping uninvited anxiety since his fourth year. He knows what this is.
He opens his eyes and sits up squinting at the empty time worn seats by his bedside. Nausea swells up in his throat. The left side of his head is pounding. He looks to the side table by his hospital bed. The healing potion was sparking under the bright lights. A thick green serum that had the texture of warm pudding but was flavorless.
He leans forward ignoring the firing of his nerves, screaming at him to stop and downs the potion. He’s out before he could pull the covers back over him. It’s the first time he hasn’t had any visitors. He knows what this is.
Its September 1st 1971. He’s a wizard and he gets to attend a wizarding school. There were loopholes abused and accommodations made but he gets to embrace his dad’s side of the family. On the platform surrounded by other wizards. Dumbledore had personally assured the Lupins that Remus’s ‘health issues’ would get the attention it deserved.
He was allowed an education. The beautiful sleek black train in front of him was his future. His mother had stayed home. (As she would not be allowed on the platform.) But his dad, a tall intimidating figure to anyone that didn’t know him, took his hand all the way to the train.
“You’re my son,” He said, his eyes were glossy but full of love. He put his hand on Remus’s shoulder pulling hm into a tight hug. “I don’t have the words to explain how proud I am of you, but just know that I am. Make sure to write me as much as you can. You’re going to do great things one day Remmy.”
Remus’s cheeks heated up at the use of his childhood nickname. Embarrassed at such a public display, his dad wasn’t normally like this in front of so many people. But still Remus wrapped his arms around his father and tried not to think about the loss he’ll feel being so far away from his family.
They let go and finish saying goodbye. Remus tightening his grip on his trunk pulling it onto the train. He knows his father is a complicated man. A kind man, a man full of regrets, a man that has made mistakes. His parents only forgave each other just a few years ago. He knows that what happened to him wasn’t just his dad’s fault. But sometimes in the quiet of the night, when the moon is almost full, he wonders if his father still thinks those things.
If he does, does he think that way about his son?
He knows it’s not fair to think those things about the man. He forgave him before he even knew what forgiveness was.
Walking down the aisle of the train it was quite crowded. Kids bumping into him and his trunk trying to squeeze through to say hello to friends and gathering by windows to say bye to their families one last time. Walking forward a blonde girl to his left caught his attention, her loud screaming goodbyes distracted him and he ran right into someone.
Suddenly on the floor, annoyed and in pain, Remus grabbed his nose groaning. Looking at the perpetrator for his what-felt-broken nose he sees.. someone. He knows he’s supposed to recognize this boy. He has golden brown skin, unruly black hair, and square glasses, Loosely in the back of Remus’s head he knows these are the telltale characteristics of a famous wizarding family, but he can’t remember the name. Scowling he notices the boy’s extended hand and takes it pulling himself up.
The boy is exuding a blinding ray of either confidence or cockiness, unable to decide on one Remus apologizes. The boy smiles at him, a wide toothy thing. “I’m James,” He extends his hand out again, this time for a hand shake. “Would you like to sit together? Peter and I had to fight to get a good compartment.”
He didn’t meet Sirius until later. After they all settled in their seats. Young nervous Sirius. Remus remembers his startling grey eyes and his own nervousness because of the rumors surrounding his family. James took to him immediately. This was the start of what would be his family.
It’s now 3:45 pm. Remus is asleep, someone has re-tucked him back into his bed. He is unaware of the tension filling the wing. James Potter is whispering furiously with Madame Pomfrey. The only thing letting him keep his cool is the knowledge that Remus is asleep somewhere just beyond his reach. James has half a mind to shove her out of the way. Angry that he can’t visit his recovering friend.
On the other hand Pomfrey herself is also thinking the same thing about the young man in front her. She wasn’t one to get angry though. The anger is bubbling into something close to severe disappointment. The only reason she wasn’t using her stern voice to kick the boy out yet is the smallest bit of pity for him that has settled within her. She isn’t going to let James see Remus. Even if this situation isn’t technically his fault it is not her call to make. Remus is unconscious and unaware of what they did. She knows this is going to be something felt in the bones of all involved. Merlin help Sirius Black if she ever gets her hands on him. She does not mess around about her patients.
It’s now December 17th 1972. The month of snowflakes and hot butterbeer. Family and joy. Everything is perfect. We’re three months into our second year. Time is passing by so fast. Nobody noticed anything about Remus’s little problem. The rush and excitement of such a new place distracting the young minds. It’s a cold morning, with an ache that settles deep in Remus that it almost feels like it’s pulling at his soul. The full moon is in three days. The thing about Lupin, that he doesn’t quite know yet, is these transformations will rip at tear and worsen with age.
The symptoms before the dreaded glow of the full moon will heighten and intensify to a degree so indescribable the older he gets that he will be nothing but flesh by the end. But for now, for this lanky skinny twelve year old boy all he will have to worry about is the turning up of his six senses.
Growing is a wonderful thing.
He groans and sits up. The morning sun streaming through the window almost blinding him. The migraine is starting to settle in already the lights doing nothing to help. He is very aware of the other boy in the room. His name is Frank Longbottom and he is loud. A rush of annoyance surges through him. He knows it’s not fair to get mad at the boy for existing but his ears are just raring to go. Extremely aware of every single rustle of clothes, the sounds of his feet.
Remus is sure if he tried hard enough he’d be able to guess exactly how much Frank weighed based on sound alone. Meanwhile Frank was just making his bed. Something in the back of Remus’s mind whispered just how easy it would be to attack him. ‘Predator’ said the voice ‘Prey!’ it shouted.
He shut that thought down immediately. It was just the medical problems and the annoyance speaking. He would not feel that way in three days. He sat up groaning. Another thing about this, the smells in the dorm could be quite intense before a full moon. The smells of James and Sirius wafting around in the dorm, they must’ve just left. Peter he knew would be at breakfast but the other two boys were serving an early morning detention. The bumbling idiots being loud enough that they were the only two out of the four of them that got caught.
Remus put his head in his hands. The room started to spin. He breathes in deeply, holds for four, out for four. But the nausea welling up inside him was intense, and making itself known more and more by the second.
He tries to focus more on Sirius’s scent more than any others in the room. He ignores the burning salty smell of the silver clasps on the leather suitcase underneath Peter’s bed. He ignores the smell of grass and dirt and strong cinnamon that belongs to James. Tries not to acknowledge the smell of Frank Longbottom who had rushed to Remus’s side noticing something wasn’t right. He focuses on Sirius scent. A nice ocean scent. Cool, clean, and crisp.
It doesn’t help.
Remus doesn’t fully wake up until two days later. His throat is dry and he sounds like a strangled frog when he asks Madam Pomfrey for water. His mouth tastes disgusting from the healing potions and it takes him a second to not throw up.
The cold water helps. He stretches and takes a deep breath. It’s dinnertime and normally he would be discharged by now.
When Pomfrey sits down in front of him and his mouth starts to go dry again.
“Mr. Lupin,” she sounds tired. “There was an incident, it isn’t your fault.”
He can’t hear her. His ears starts to ring, suddenly he is going to throw up. The dryness turns to acid and she’s saying something about Snape, he was there and he knows. His most disgusting secret that’s haunted him for years.
He threw up. And in the quietness of the Hospital Wing it hits him. Did he bite him?
He gets sick again.
Remus is still in the Hospital Wing a week later. Dumbledoor had visited him and informed him of what happened. Sirius Black, the boy he had held so dear to him thought it would be funny to send Snape to the Shrieking Shack.
He doesn’t know if Black had become desensitized to just how dangerous he is and assumed it would be funny, or if he is fully aware. Used him as a weapon. Turn him into a murderer. He doesn’t know if he wants the answer to that.
Is this how love dies? Something felt in your entire being just instantly turned to nothing. Is this his punishment? Being a werewolf and daring to love.