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Having a child with your platonic best friend seems like a bad idea. A really, very, catastrophically, bad idea. But I’m desperate to have children, and so is Spencer. I’m the same age as him, and we’re running out of time to do so naturally, which is something both of us want. We are sitting in my living room, or rather our living room now, and talking about how on earth this is going to work.
“The only problem is how much it costs. Just one round of IVF is approximately $12000, and there is only a 25% chance that it works on the first round.” Spencer told me, without the usual animation he delivers his statistics.
I shake my head sadly. “Maybe we should just try to adopt,” I sigh.
“We both know that we won’t be happy until we have children of our own, y/n,” he murmurs.
I sigh once more and nod.
“I know, Spence. I just don’t know how this is going to work.” Thoughts are swirling in my head, everything from the cost of raising a child, let alone IVF; to how my friendship with Spencer is going to change. We’d talked about all of it, parental leave, financial responsibilities, our friendship, everything, but I still worried.
He shifted on the couch to sit closer to me and he took my hand in his, stroking it softly.
“We’re going to be okay, love.” He whispers to me. “We’ve put so much thought into this, we are going to do everything we can to be the best parents we can.” He reassures, and I turn to look at him, feeling calm at the familiar details of his face.
“You’re right.” I sigh and nod.
“You’re not having doubts about doing this with me, are you? I would understand if you still want to try to find a real relationship.”
“Spencer, I want you to be the father of my children. Romance just isn’t going to happen for me soon enough to have kids, and I trust you more than anyone else anyway.” I tell him, and tuck a curl behind his ear.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry for you too.”
“I don’t, it’s not, it’s okay.” He stammers.
“You two would’ve made the smartest kids in the whole world,” I smile weakly, trying to focus on something positive.
He pauses for a moment, and looks at me fondly. “You need to know that I don’t expect you to be her. I want you to be you, because you are an amazing woman, and I want you to be the mother of my kids. You’re my light, y/n.” He confides.
I look into his brown eyes with adoration and wonder what would happen if I pressed my lips against his. Instead, I put my arms around his back and hold onto him, and he hugs me back. He puts his head on my shoulder and I stroke his hair, and I let myself melt against him slightly.
“We’ll figure it out, together.” I whisper, more to myself than him.
“We will.” He pulls back and looks at me. “But from the last time I put money into our baby account, I don’t think we can afford to do IVF and still have enough to raise our kids the way we want to,” he tells me pragmatically.
“You know, there is a solution to this problem. Whether it’s something you’re willing to do, is another thing.” I said.
“You know I’ll do anything to have kids, love.”
I raise my eyebrows, not sure if I even want to suggest it.
“The… traditional way of making babies included?”
He blushes and sits up, his hands moving back to his lap.
“Ah, um, well, I…” He stutters.
“Don’t worry, Spence,” I look away, embarrassed for having brought it up.
“Wait! I mean, we, we can do that. I just don’t want to ruin our friendship by having intercourse with you.”
“You would be okay with that?” I ask in surprise.
“Yeah, I, yes I would.” He averts his gaze. “Would you?”
“I suggested it didn’t I?” I reply, a little too much bite in my tone.
He frowns sadly and I sigh, realising what I’m about to tell him.
“Spencer. You are an attractive man, one whom I care for very much. It won’t be a burden, let’s say that.”
He looks at me with shock. “Do you mean that?”
I nod and make eye contact nervously.
“Oh,” he whispers. “My love, we’ve always communicated well haven’t we?”
“Yes Spence.”
“Can you promise me that if we go ahead with this idea, that you won’t hate me or not want to be friends with me anymore?”
“I promise. I’m not going to let something as trivial as having sex destroy my friendship with the best person I know.” I state with a lot more confidence than I feel.
“Alright. How should we um, prepare?” He asks, fidgeting.
I smile. “We’re not doing it tonight, are we?”
“No! I mean, we don’t have to! You are very fertile right now, that’s all.” He reminds me with another blush.
I cringe in embarrassment, remembering that I had given him access to my period tracking app.
“Right. Well, I guess there’s no time like the present.” I say and bring my forehead close to his.
“Are you sure?” He breathes.
“I’m sure. I trust you,” I respond.
“Can we just, be together, just for tonight? Can I call you mine? I don’t know if I can do this any other way,” he pleads.
I want to tell him that I would be his forever, but I swallow my words and lean forward, pressing my lips against his, and his strong hands come up to hold onto my face. He kisses me back, my hands travelling up his chest and into his hair as our kiss gets more intense. Eventually I pull away for air, gasping deeply.
“Oh, my love,” he pants as we catch our breath. I’d imagined this, and now I had it, if only for a fleeting moment. I push my lips against his, opening my mouth and letting his tongue in with a soft moan. His hands roam down my body, and I tug on his hair as we kiss desperately.
“Spencerrr…” I moan, unable to stop myself as he caresses me. His eyes are wide with desire as we stare at each other. His lips turn up in a sexy little smile, but then he stands up abruptly.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Let’s go to bed.” He smiles, holding out his hands to pull me up.
I bite my lip and take his hands, but when I’m standing he puts his arms around me and picks me up. I shriek in delight, and wrap my arms around his shoulders, holding onto him tightly. His eyes light up at my giggly grin and he carries me into my bedroom, and sets me down on the edge of the bed. I look up at him and I feel a lump in my throat, but I ignore it to stand up and begin unbuttoning his dress shirt.
“You’re so beautiful, my love,” he whispers into my ear as his fingers thread through my hair, and I shiver under the warmth of his breath as I make quick work of his buttons. I push the shirt over his shoulders and it falls to the ground, my eyes glancing up and down his slender but strong torso.
“So are you.” I whisper nervously, and I lift my arms up so he can pull my t-shirt over my head. He does so, and immediately slides his arms around my hips, making me excited. I lean forward and kiss him again, my fingers moving over his warm skin eagerly. He plays with the waistband of my sweatpants, and pulls them down when I hum my approval into his mouth. I bring my shaking hands between us and fiddle with the buckle of his belt, but I can’t get it undone, so I reluctantly pull away from our sloppy kisses and look down to see what I’m doing.
“My beautiful love, what’s wrong?” He whispers as I finally get his belt undone.
I look up with a confused frown, then realise how much I’m shaking as I stare into his concerned eyes. I go to answer him, but all that comes out is a sob.
“Oh my sweet girl,” He coos, and strokes his thumb across my cheeks, wiping my tears away. I cry into his chest, coming to the realisation that I can’t do this with him. Not when I love him as much as I do.
He kisses my forehead and whispers,
“Please tell me what you’re thinking, love.”
I shake my head and cry some more, thinking about how good my life could have been if I hadn’t involved my stupid heart.
“I’m here for you, sweetheart. Always.” He says softly, and guides me over to sit down on the edge of the bed. I sniffle and in a whispered hiccup, tell him,
“I can’t do this.”
“I’m sorry I pushed you, we can try again next month if you like.”
I shake my head, and take a deep breath.
“No, Spencer, I mean at all.”
“Oh,” He frowns, looking dejected.
“I want to, I do, but I, I, it hurts too much. I can’t kiss you and have sex with you, and be the mother of your children, knowing that you don’t love me the way that I love you. Because I love you Spence. With everything I am. I’m so so sorry.” I professed, tears spilling down my cheeks again and my heart pounding. I look into his eyes, searching for reassurance.
“Please don’t hate me,” I beg him.
“My love, I could never hate you.” He replies sincerely, his own eyes filling up with tears. He takes a deep breath and he puts his arms around me again, gathering me close to him. He strokes my hair soothingly and he whispers,”
“I know that I told you when we first started talking about having a baby that I felt like I could never love anyone after Maeve, but that was a year, ten months and four days ago. I was still grieving. I have fallen deeply in love with you, y/n. Please let me love you entirely, how you deserve to be loved. Be mine forever, my love, because I am forever yours.” He sighs softly as he tells me these incredible words, and leans his forehead against mine.
I stare into his eyes with shock and love, and it quickly turns to happiness as I nod and wrap my arms around his shoulders, holding him close as my tears turn from sorrow to joy.
“Thank you.” I murmur.
“For what?”
“Everything. Just everything.” I tell him with a smile, and kiss him again. “You know, I would really like to get back to it, if you’re okay with that.”
He chuckles and nods, “Let’s make our baby, my beautiful love.” He kisses me back with slow passion, and his hands work on removing my bra.