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Cas knows why he’s here. He knows Naomi’s plan. He understands that in Heaven’s eyes, Dean Winchester needs to die. But it doesn’t mean he has to go through with it.
The first time he’s tasked with killing fake-Dean, he refuses. Even inside his own mind, in this fake scenario, he can’t kill Dean. Not Dean.
Then he feels insurmountable pain, something shifts within him, and he’s back in front of Dean with an angel blade.
“Cas?” Dean says, confused.
It’s fake. It’s not really Dean, Cas thinks.
Cas surges forward and punches him in the face. Blood explodes out of Dean’s nose as he stumbles back. “Cas!” Dean exclaims.
Do it, Castiel. You know the consequences.
Naomi’s voice booms in his mind and he shuts his eyes, brings his hands to his head. With a growl, Cas swipes his blade at Dean and catches him in the chest sideways. A long thin cut seeps blood and Dean falls to the ground. Cas straddles him, holding him down with one hand.
“I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas says, pointing his angel blade above his heart.
“Cas, you don’t have to do this!”
Cas hesitates, a war waging in his mind.
Do it now.
“I-I can’t,” he stutters.
Naomi sighs. Well, we’ll just have to try again.
Pain bursts in Cas’s mind.
It starts to get easier, killing fake Dean. Until he starts talking to Cas.
“Cas, please…” Dean whimpers, blood spilling out of his mouth. “Cas… I love you.”
Cas throws himself off of Dean in horror, angel blade falling to the ground with a loud clang. “Dean… Dean, I…”
No, Castiel. You must be prepared for anything. Kill him.
Cas collapses, head in his hands to the ground. “NO! No, I won't kill him!”
You MUST. Do it now.
Cas shakes his head, tears stinging his eyes.
More pain, darkness filling his vision, and then he’s back in the warehouse with a perfectly unharmed Dean.
“Cas?” Dean asks, confused.
Cas refuses to let him speak more, so he plunges the blade in Dean’s chest. It stabs him directly in the heart. Dean falls to the ground, Cas falling after him. Blood pools from the wound and Dean is choking on it.
Cas is weeping, holding Dean as he dies. “Dean. Dean, I’m so sorry.”
The light goes out in Dean’s eyes as they stare endlessly into Cas’s.
Good.
“Why are you doing this?!” Cas exclaims, still gripping onto Dean’s lifeless body.
You know why.
He expects the pain, and it comes. He’s back in front of Dean, miraculously alive.
It’s too much. It’s all too much.
Cas breaks forward and brings Dean into a crushing hug. Dean hugs him back hard and they fall to their knees. Cas breathes him in, feels the warmth against him, and basks in this little moment before the pain comes, before he has to kill him again.
Castiel!
He ignores Naomi’s booming voice and holds the man he loves.
“Cas, what’s going on?” Dean asks him in the crook of his neck.
“It’s going to be okay, Dean,” Cas says as he pulls his angel blade out of his sleeve. “I’m so sorry.”
Cas sinks the blade into Dean’s back. It's a sickening sound as it tears through skin, muscle, sinew. Dean chokes, going limp in his arms. Cas cries into Dean’s hair. “Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you, Dean.”
This is getting ridiculous, Castiel. I suppose we’re going to have to use extreme measures.
This time, the pain is bright white and unbearable. Cas screams, writhing on the ground.
This time, when he comes to, he feels perfectly numb.
Castiel is an angel. He supposes that he forgot that, at some point. He’s an angel, and the Winchesters are mere humans. His purpose is to serve God and His mission. He is not to be at the mercy of Dean Winchester.
Killing Dean is commonplace. It's inconsequential. Humans die everyday. Dean dying is for the good of the cause. It's necessary. And Castiel does what he's told to do.
There's a voice in the back of his mind screaming at him, begging to be let go.
Pay it no mind, Castiel. That voice is doubt and sin.
He is faithful. He does not doubt. He does not fail. He is an angel. A soldier.
He will do what must be done.