Chapter Text
The last time Sam lost Dean, he still had a home to return to. For the first month after Dean went to hell, Sam would go on hunts and try to dig up whatever information he could but, at the end of the day, he would always come home to Dean; to his grave.
There is no grave for Sam to return to this time.
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Sam loses time. He doesn't remember leaving, doesn't remember getting into the Impala, doesn't remember anything after Crowley mocking voice ( alone, alone, completely alone). He doesn't know how long he has been driving for but the sun's gone down and the sky's completely dark by now so it must've been a good few hours. Sam doesn't know where he's going and he thinks he should probably stop somewhere, gather his thoughts, but he doesn't. Some part of his brain is screaming at him that if he stops driving, something terrible will happen. Sam doesn't know if there is anything worse that could happen right now considering that his number 1 nightmare scenario just happened that very day but he chooses not to risk it. Just because there is nothing terrible left to happen to him doesn't mean that bad things couldn't still happen to other people, and given that Sam triggered the end of the world the last time he lost Dean, he's not about to make the same mistakes twice. Distantly, Sam recognizes that his line of thinking is unreasonable- that there is no way he could trigger another apocalypse just by stopping somewhere for the night. But Sam is drained and not all there, so he chooses not to think and to just drive.
The sun's beginning to rise back up by the time his brain quiets enough to let him pull over.
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Sam wakes a few hours later to the smell of old vinyl and the fast food wrappers that Dean had neglected to throw out. Sam stares at the roof of the car for a moment before replaying the events of the previous day in his mind. He doesn't know how much time passes before the first tear drops, it could be seconds, it could be days, but once that first tear drops, the floodgates open and there is nothing that Sam can do about it. As the tears fall, a fresh wave of grief passes over him and it hurts like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. He would know, he's felt it before.
Eventually, the pain becomes too much and Sam wants to scream, wants to hit something, wants his brother back but he cannot have any of the things he wants, so he lies there on the car seat and continues to weep until the grief suffocates him and he has to leave. He spends a few moments catching his breath and wiping his tears before he gets back in the car and drives.
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Sam starts at a library. He doesn't know what he's looking for but he wants- needs - some semblance of normalcy and research has been a constant in his life for as long as he can remember. Five hours later, Sam leaves the library with nothing more than a headache and exhaustion.
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Two weeks pass by in a blur. Sam's been working constantly, trying to dig up any information on where his brother might be. So far, he's found nothing. Sam looks at the edge of the cliff he's driving by and wonders if it might be better to just drive off, then shakes his head. Dean isn't dead, he's stuck somewhere and needs to be saved. Sam is of no use to his brother dead at the bottom of a cliff. 'Are you? Useful to your brother?' A voice asks, a voice that reminds him of freezing cold and never-ending pain. A voice that once succeeded in driving him insane. Sam violently shoves the question into a box labeled 'DO NOT OPEN' deep inside his mind. He doesn't hear the voice again but he can feel it's amusement. How it was possible for a voice to be amused without saying anything was beyond Sam, but introspection isn't how he's managed to make it this far.
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Sam has found absolutely nothing. Initially what had been a voice taunting him had now transformed into a full-bodied hallucination. At least this time, Lucifer wasn't hell-bent on driving Sam insane. Or any more insane than he already was considering that sane people didn't hallucinate the devil. It was startling how easily Sam got used to it, or perhaps it was just a testament to how utterly fucked Sam was.
Sam's driving aimlessly while Lucifer talks his ear off. He's been in a particularly chatty mood since Sam's attempt to interrogate a demon failed yesterday, gleefully bringing up Sam's many failures and crimes. "It's alright, Sam" Lucifer says in a soft tone full of sympathy that makes Sam's skin crawl "You had to know that you were going to fail. You're not much without your brother, are you?" Lucifer's gentleness makes Sam feel sick. He turns to face Lucifer to tell him to fuck off when he hits a dog.
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Sam's panicking a little. He's rushing to the vet but he doesn't know if the dog's going to make it. Lucifer finds this turn of events utterly hilarious and laughs at him from the backseat ("Look at that Sammy, yet another innocent life gone because of you") . Sam doesn't bother arguing with Lucifer and focuses on getting the dog help.