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Ayano’s presence around the school, outside of her astronomically dire test scores and seemingly happy-go-lucky smile, was pretty unassuming, especially to people in other classes. The few whispers she gets here and there are in regards to her relationship with Shintaro — “she’s always stuck to that guy, what do you think is going on between them?” — but she doesn’t mind it, she thinks, and she enjoys being Shintaro’s friend, so to be considered a close confidant of his was reassuring, even if he won’t say it outright.
Walking down the third-years’ hallways is easy, then, because even though she was staying behind after school to catch up on her late work, she was (if she does well) about to graduate with Shintaro in about a month, and (hopefully) go to the same high school.
She’s just about to enter her classroom when she hears squeals coming from the room next to it. She pauses for a bit but doesn’t want to dwell on it any longer — it’s not my conversation — until she hears an all-too-familiar name coming from one of the girls inside.
“The Shintaro Kisaragi? Aoi, you’ve got weird taste, honestly!”
Sh — Shintaro? Alright, she hates eavesdropping, but she can’t help but listen in. Ayano slowly makes her way over to the other classroom’s door, trying to make sure she isn’t seen as she peeps in. The group of girls are sitting at their desks, loads of paperwork strewn around, textbooks stacked on an unoccupied table. They were studying — well, supposed to be.
Aoi, a girl with her shiny black hair done into two braids, glasses falling off the bridge of her nose slightly, but nonetheless stunning, was frequently in the top five when it came time to release school-wide test scores. She was on the same caliber as Shintaro, unlike Ayano. She seemed like someone with her eyes set on the future, steadfast and mature, but her red face against the afternoon sun made her look just like any other girl.
“I know I’ve barely talked to him, but…he’s just so cool.” Aoi sighs, face in her hands to try and shoo the blush from her cheeks. “And so smart, too! I love studying with you all, but imagine studying with him…”
“Are you a masochist or something?” One of the girls says with a laugh. She’s in Ayano’s class. “It seems like torture. You know how he’s friends with that one girl? They’re complete opposites, and whenever she gets an answer wrong, he just seems annoyed!”
Does he? Ayano turns her back to them, leaning against the wall. Well, it’s no secret that she asks for help but quickly throws that information out of her brain — she doesn’t mean to, really, but it takes a bit for anything to stick in her brain. She’s aware that it bothers him, but does it…annoy him that much.
“Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask.” Aoi’s timid voice almost causes Ayano to try and peek back in, but she doesn’t. She holds onto her books tightly. “Are they…?”
“Those two? No, I don’t think they’re an item. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. They’re friends!”
“So do you think I have a chance if I confess?”
“Aoi, if he ends up with anyone, it should be you!”
Ayano doesn’t feel like doing school work anymore.
The conversation from a few days before, mixed with finals, causes Ayano to run to the roof top every lunch period under the guise of “extra studying” before Shintaro could possibly say anything. In reality, she sits against the railings nibbling away at her onigiri, just as how her feelings were slowly gnawing away at her heart.
Why does Aoi’s plans bother her so much? Sure, Shintaro’s looks do garner some attention from other girls, but his personality promptly turns most of them off. She didn’t realize that some girls were just as stubborn as Ayano, perhaps not in the way that persuades them to get close to him, but at the very least…it gets them to look at him a different way. It’s a little unsettling.
…But why? Ayano shakes her head, the spring wind blowing her scarf around with a fervor that makes it difficult to eat — or perhaps it was the pit in her stomach that made her lunch particularly unappealing today. It had been lunch hour after lunch hour of this same cycle of thoughts, of wondering why Aoi’s feelings were bothering her, when she feels incredibly selfish in feeling that way. Shintaro was not Ayano’s in that way, and…and what if he does return Aoi’s feelings — ?
The sound of the roof top’s door swinging open makes Ayano jump, almost to the point of swinging over the railings and falling off the roof. She stands up quickly, holding onto the railings to stabilize herself when she realizes who had found her. “Shintaro?”
“I thought you were studying.” He makes his way over to her, arms crossed. He looks…a little ticked off, and his tone is somewhat agitated. “But you’ve been leaving all your stuff in the classroom. What’s up with you?”
“N — nothing!” She holds up her hands as if to signal some type of surrender, plastering on a smile to reassure him — and herself. She musters up a few words to explain her situation. “Sorry that I’ve been lying to you. I was…more-so up here just to think.”
“Think?” His voice…it got softer somehow. He sighs. “…Are you doing that poorly on your tests?”
So he thinks that she’s musing about her test scores. She can roll with that. “No! No, I’ve been studying surprisingly well lately! We’ll both go to the same high school, I’m sure of it, and we’ll get to hang out with Takane-senpai and Haruka-senpai!”
“Right.” Shintaro runs a hand through his hair, pouting at the wind. “Okay. What a place to eat lunch though, Ayano. I feel like I could tip over any minute.”
She laughs. Moments alone seem to be easy with him. “Yeah, me too!”
Ayano holds onto the tube holding her degree close to her chest as she runs through the hallways of her now-former middle school. Her senpais had come to congratulate her and Shintaro, but he had wandered off somewhere a few minutes ago.
Why does she chase after him?
Her hunt takes her to the outdoor passageway between buildings, and in her hurry she almost misses two figures standing underneath a cherry blossom tree, pink petals showering them and the sun bathing them in an idealistic light. The picturesque scenery makes her stop for a second until she realizes that the two underneath the tree were Shintaro and Aoi, and she hurriedly hides herself with earshot of them.
I…I’m just here to pop up later to tell Shintaro that our senpais are here! I’m just waiting for that. Yeah, I’m not…eavesdropping at all…
“…anyway, Kisaragi-san, all of that to say that…I like you.”
In that moment, Ayano felt like her heart was back on the roof top, and it had just been thrown across to be tossed around in the wind.
“…Oh.” Ayano could see Aoi’s face, red just like that day in the classroom, but Shintaro’s back is turned to her. What kind of face was he making? She wanted to know, and she didn’t want to know. “Um…”
Ayano could hear her heart beating right in her ears, and her nervousness blocked out the rest of that conversation. She could hear some shuffling around, some garbled noise, and her senses only really come back when she spies Aoi leaving the scene.
Shintaro follows suit a moment later, and Ayano misses her opportunity to say anything. She doesn’t want to, and after she and Shintaro meet up to greet their senpais, they turn and walk home. She doesn’t see him for a month.
“Ah.”
Miraculously, they had ended up in the same class.
Ayano gives Shintaro a smile — weak, but hopefully convincing enough to throw him off. “Hey, Shintaro. Nice to see you.”
“So you made it in.” He eyes the desk next to hers, positioned in the back next to the window. Their usual seats in middle school. “Is this seat taken?”
“Nope.” Ayano shakes her head. “It’s all yours…if you want it.” She adds that part on hastily, remembering their graduation day. She didn’t know the status of his and Aoi’s relationship now. She didn’t want to pry, either.
Shintaro doesn’t say anything as he sits down, getting adjusted to their new room. He fiddles with his bag, plops a notebook down on his desk, and spins a pencil in his hand. Ayano knows it’s just to make it look like he’s interested, but whatever topics will be brought up the next few days would be stupidly easy for him.
“How was your break?” Ayano asks. That’s a simple enough question.
“Alright.”
“Did you…do anything?”
“Not much.”
…Either he’s telling the truth, or he’s hiding something. Ayano will choose the first one since it’s easier. She didn’t want whatever she was feeling to dismantle whatever they had built years prior. She’ll persevere. She adjusts her scarf, reminding herself that that’s what a hero would do.
“My siblings dragged me to the park every day.” Ayano says, grinning as she pictures their faces in her mind. “All they wanted to do was play.”
“I’m glad they’re doing well,” Shintaro replies. They don’t look at each other — just straight ahead as their new classmates trickle in. “I know that…never mind.”
“Takane-senpai and Haruka-senpai…” Ayano trails off, but she’s determined to finish her sentence. She takes a deep breath and continues. “They eat lunch on the roof top — well, Takane-senpai says it’s just Haruka-senpai dragging her up there. It’s actually got some benches and stuff. Do you want to come with?”
“Sure.”
Ayano takes this as confirmation that they’re still friends. Her smile grows, and it’s genuine.
It seemed like everything was back to normal, or as normal as it could be, between the two of them. They frequently ate lunch with their senpais, but due to their conditions, their participation was spotty. Sometimes, it was just Ayano and Shintaro up there, but they passed the time with conversation. It truly felt like there hadn’t been anything that transpired between them, and technically there wasn’t any — it was just Ayano’s thoughts spiraling and rushing to conclusions.
She knows it isn’t fair, that to ask is easier to assume — but the thought of knowing the truth twists her stomach into knots. Why does that happen? Why does her heart seem restless whenever Shintaro is around? Why does she feel like she has no control over her words when she’s with him? Why does she have no grip on her emotions when her minds wanders over to him?
She wishes her mother was around to answer these questions, but that wasn’t the case.
Their first summer break as high school students swings by immediately, but Ayano knows that she’ll be spending her time taking remedial classes to get excited over any plans. As her test scores are handed back to her, she lets out a knowing sigh.
Shintaro takes a peek, but when she glances over his direction sheepishly, he pretends he wasn’t. “Is it, uh…that bad?”
“Yeah,” she says with a small laugh. “But expected. Hah, my father won’t let me hear the end of it…sorry, Shintaro. And even after you helped me again, too.”
She wants to believe that he heard him grumble “I don’t mind”, but she doesn’t pick up the words he said under his breath clearly. He sighs. “No big deal.”
“I guess a good chunk of my summer break is going to be spent here!” And something else, but she doesn’t want to say it out loud. “But you’re free, right? Are you going to be doing anything, Shintaro?”
“I — ”
“Hold it there, Kisaragi!” The class president puts his arm around Shintaro. This guy was loud, out-going, expressive. The total opposite of the guy he was clinging onto. Ayano’s made frequent conversation with him due to her poor academics, but nothing else. “Before you make any plans, can I say something?”
The fact that the class president lumped them both together made both of their cheeks go red. Shintaro huffs. “Sure, I guess.”
“Well…” The class president looks over to Ayano’s direction, a teasing look in his eyes. She freezes. “Summer remedial classes end a day before the summer festival. Do you want to go with me, Tateyama?”
…Oh God, was this a date?
“I…I…” Ayano had never had this happen to her before. She couldn’t recall a single time. Maybe it’s because she fantasized that scenario with only Shintaro in mind —
“We’re both going together,” Shintaro pipes up, removing the class president’s arm from around his shoulder. “With our senpais as well, if they can make it. Sorry.”
“Oh.” The class president looks dejected, but he immediately cleans up his act and takes a bow in front of Ayano. “Well, seems like I was too late. You have my Line though, don’t you, Tateyama? Let’s schedule something else!”
“S — Sure…” Ayano stutters, and the class president wanders away.
She waits until a good chunk of people aren’t around in the classroom anymore to lean in and whisper her gratitude towards Shintaro. “Thank you for the cover. I don’t really know him well yet…I wasn’t sure how something like that would go.”
“N — No problem.” Shintaro clears his throat. “Um…do you…want to…go? Anyway? For real?”
Ayano’s mind went blank — and then every doubt flooded in. Before she could even think about what she was saying, she blurts out, “What about Aoi?”
A confused look lands on Shintaro’s face. “Who’s that?”
…Huh?
“Aoi…Midorikawa, from middle school?”
“I don’t remember who that is.”
She can’t just say, “hey, I was eavesdropping during graduation and heard her confess to you!”, can she?
But luckily Shintaro remembers a second later. “Oh. She was the one I turned down.”
Ayano feels selfishly relieved. “O — oh…?”
“She doesn’t even go here. Why would I go with her?” His face turns into something serious, and Ayano almost collapses. “Whatever. So…would you…go…?”
She smiles. What a silly thing to be so hung up on, undone just like that.
But I’m sorry, Shintaro…for the lie I’m about to say.
“Sure, I’ll go!”
Ayano mourns the time they lost in her stupidity.
Those last moments in middle school she spent eating lunch alone, those last moments during graduation they could have spent celebrating together, those last moments of her last spring break, those last moments of time spent going about as usual in class…tinged with jealousy, with doubt, and the minute it was dissolved was the minute she had to go.
As the heat haze opens up before her, as she reaches out to it, she comes to terms with the fact that she’ll be there…for a while. For who knows how long. For eternity.
And then she falls.
She falls headfirst, and she knows that a portion of her time will be spent thinking about him, about what he meant to her.
Ayano fell in love with him as quickly as she was falling right now. If only she had realized it sooner.
She’s selfish, but one thought passes through her mind as she becomes surrounded in red — I hope I can tell you someday, Shintaro.