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From the age of ten, Jihoon learnt that he wasn't worth it.
He learnt that the next door neighbours' kids were always going to be better, prettier, smarter, more talented than him. He learnt that he would never win to them, or those nobodies his parents called their friends' kids.
Jihoon learnt he could never beat anyone.
So he submitted to it in silence, knowing that no matter how hard he worked, someone out there will always be more worthy of his parents' praise. Someone who will never be him. It didn't stop him from wanting to do well though. In fact, he never took a break from trying. Pushing himself through mock paper after mock paper, he made it out of high school with as perfect a record could be. Still, his parents thought that stupid Jung girl from two doors down was a “much nicer kid”, with a couple of music achievements on her plate.
So Jihoon pursued music, just to spite her in her praised field and get his parents to spare a glance his way too.
In university, Jihoon met many people. He met all kinds of boisterous loud personalities, quiet and shy ones, studious ones, all-day partiers and so many more. One of these- who didn’t quite fit into just one category- was a boy called Soonyoung.
Soonyoung was Jihoon’s first friend in university, but that was because the former picked him out from the crowd of other new kids and laid an extrovert’s claim on him. Jihoon, ever the introvert, accepted without a word. And so, linking arms with Soonyoung everyday, Jihoon went to class.
He was starting to like his courses. they were interesting and informative and he was glad he picked something that allowed him to be a little more creative. He finished the assigned piece of work and turned excitedly to Soonyoung sitting next to him, only to catch him with his brows furrowed and fingers frustratedly knotting his own hair. Jihoon's smile dropped immediately, feeling a pang of pain hit him, "Soonyoung, you okay?" Hearing his worried voice, his features straightened instantly. "Of course! Why?"
Jihoon paused, cautiously eyeing him in the sudden change of mood, "N-Nothing... I was just going to tell you that i'm done! And I'm really happy with it. Wanna listen?" Soonyoung usually says 'yes!' with great enthusiasm so Jihoon was already fishing out his earbuds-
"I'm okay, Ji. You can go, I... still need to work on this." Jihoon stopped, his earbuds falling back into his bag. He frowned, voice much quieter, "Are you sure? I’ll stay to help you." Soonyoung shook his head with a weak smile, clearly frustrated and dejected from not being able to do his work. "No, I'm serious. You can go. Don't want your roommate missing you too much." He tried to joke, but it sounded hollow. Jihoon couldn't even bring himself to laugh, only able to frown and keep eyes on Soonyoung as he slowly packed up his bag.
He saw Soonyoung's eyes look a little more wet than usual, so he thought it was best to just go and not fight him. "Alright... but if you need help, just call and I'll come. No questions asked, okay?" Jihoon reminded, the room filling up with a weirdly tense atmosphere. The sound of rustling of his heavy bag against his clothes took over the silence as Soonyoung stayed unusually still.
"Bye, Soonie, I’ll go now. Good luck.”
Soonyoung gave a sad smile and a weak wave, "Bye, Ji."
His dorm door shut, separating them. Jihoon sighed in the corridor, shaking his head free from guilt, before walking off. On the other side, Soonyoung burst into tears face down into his desk.
•••
The next day, jihoon didn't see Soonyoung in his first class. He didn't even come to walk with him. So jihoon sat alone, listening as attentively as he could with thoughts of Soonyoung whirling in his mind.
When class was over, he texted the other. Jihoon eventually met him at one of the tables out in the field and it looked like he had food, which he offered. "Did you seriously ditch class for convenience store sandwiches?" He was perplexed. Soonyoung laughed, sitting down next to him. "No way! Not worth it; I wasn't in class because I switched courses." Jihoon almost choked on the sandwich, "You switched?! To what? When?"
So Soonyoung was now in the performance art course. Great. Sure, he was happy that Soonyoung was now doing something he truly loved but things already felt lonely and that was just one class without him. What’s a whole week? A whole month? A semester? A year?
"Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, but I felt empty walking to class without you today."
Soonyoung laughed brightly, slinging an arm around Jihoon, "Aw, you already miss me?“ Jihoon wanted to punch his stupid face, smiling with that annoying yet endearing feeling. ”I'll share my schedule so you can have it too. And I'll still be able to walk you to music history, don't worry." His toothy grin made Jihoon warm up and a soft touch of pink dusted his skin, but he blamed it on the summer sun. There was definitely no other possible explanation for it. “You’re insufferable,” He muttered to the melody of Soonyoung’s self-satisfaction.
•••
On an autumn night, Jihoon sat in Soonyoung's room yet again. It was a miracle Soonyoung never got a roommate. Once he had joked that Jihoon should come stay with him. And it had strangely made his heart rate jump.
Lately, Jihoon had to keep reminding himself that Soonyoung was joking when he said most of this kind of stuff. He knew- immature boys did this sort of thing. He did feel just a little bit weird that he had to remind himself, though. He never really dedicated any time to think about his preferences- or romance in general- since he was always too busy trying to emulate someone else for the tiniest drop of validation from his parents.
So he thought that meeting Soonyoung was some kind of sign. Jihoon couldn’t confidently comment on the existence of a god, but he could say that he was blessed with a highly perceptive nature. However, this could’ve also been a sort of curse at this stage of his life. Whenever Soonyoung laughed, Jihoon would notice how his eyes creased with the force of this joyous emotion he could not control. He noticed the ways his pretty lips curled up and he had the sound of the other’s laughter memorised (almost) to the note. Whenever Soonyoung did anything, Jihoon found himself recording it in his head. It seemed like his mind never wanted to let those memories go, and so became the mental vault of Soonyoung memories.
"Hello? Earth to Lee Jihoon?"
When he did snap out of it, lo and behold, came a Soonyoung giggle. It was different from a laugh, in that he kind of shrunk into himself when that gentle, melodic sound spilled from his lips. It was very cute and endearing. And Jihoon hated himself for thinking of such things.
Was he allowed to think about his friends like this?
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry. It's cute when you zone out. Did you know you pout a lot? You're like a little kid." Jihoon malfunctioned, mind on hold.
Soonyoung called him cute? He pouted? Since when? Little kid? "Is that a jab at my height?"
Soonyoung quickly shook his head, arms outstretched and eyes wide, "I would never!" he dramatically exclaimed, waving his hands in front of him. "Hey, why are you so red? Do you have a fever?" Oh shit, oh fuck. He is really red. He can practically feel the colour of his cheeks from the heat waves washing over him.
"N-No... Just... Uh, you complimented me. I think... Something like that.“ Soonyoung pinched Jihoon's cheek and cooed, "Aw, is our Jihoonie embarrassed?" Well, now he mentioned it...
"No! It's just- I've never been complimented before-" Soonyoung gasped loudly. "That's a lie. Why wouldn't they?"
Jihoon shrugged, looking a little deflated. How was he supposed to answer that? Soonyoung pouted, "No way... You're so cute and friendly and loveable and so smart! Why wouldn't people want to point that out?“ Jihoon was sure he was shaking. "Aha... You're overwhelming me, Soonie," He sighed, "It's just- My parents never really did it either. And they kind of always put me down no matter what I did so I'm kinda used to never being enough..." He trailed off softly, realising the weight of his words.
Soonyoung had a concerned look on his face as the silence enhanced the dense atmosphere of the room, his voice going quiet. "Oh. I'm sorry, Ji. i didn't know there was such a story." He paused, biting his lip, “Do you want a hug?"
Oh, did he!
Jihoon forewent pride and slammed into Soonyoung, desperately initiating the hug. It was strong and warm; Soonyoung felt nice, felt comforting. So Jihoon cried as they gently swayed. It was embarrassing but Jihoon didn't care anymore. It'd been some ten years of never feeling like he had a place in his parents eyes and, in turn, the world. Now to be seen by someone, really truly seen... He didn't even have the word to describe this feeling. Perhaps ‘joy’ and ‘relief’ could’ve been options.
"Cry it out, angel."
Soonyoung held him like he could fall apart at any moment, like he was precious fine china of an invaluable price tag. Jihoon felt comforted in his strong hold. something about Soonyoung’s presence lulled him so easily to mellow out and put his emotions at ease so he could leave his warm embrace with a clearer head than before. "You didn’t deserve any of that, Hoonie. i’m sorry your biggest and earliest supporters did the direct opposite of build up your self-worth and -esteem,” Soonyoung mumbled into Jihoon’s ear as he sobbed in silence. “You’re so much more than what simple compliments can portray, honestly. I hope you remember that.”
He held Jihoon out by his shoulders so he could look into his eyes. "You're seriously something amazing, Lee Jihoon." He wiped the tear tracks and grabbed a tissue for him. "I'm so sorry you never had your rightfully earned praise thrown at you in bucketfuls, because you definitely deserve it. But you have me now," He cupped Jihoon's cheeks, trying to translate his sincerity through his eyes. "And I’ll make sure you know how worth it you are.”
Jihoon felt like bursting into tears again, his bottom lip trembling like a threat as he stood weakly in front of Soonyoung. "No- Hey, don't cry anymore, Jihoonie. You have no more reason to cry. I’ll tell you pretty words everyday, hm? You have to know these truths about yourself and what everyone sees in you.” Soonyoung paused, now whispering softer, "What I see in you."
Jihoon didn’t know what to say. Looking at Soonyoung like this, with sincerity and hope swimming in his eyes, lips pressed together in determination to achieve this goal he set for himself, Jihoon felt like crying again because his heart was thundering in his ears. At that moment, he felt so seen, so appreciated and so loved. For once, it finally felt like someone genuinely cared about him.
Maybe this is what love really was like- what its purest form felt like. Jihoon let a serene bliss overtake him as the world spun in slow motion. "Thank you..." He whispered, the next wave of tears cracking his voice.
"Do you want to stay here tonight? We don't have classes tomorrow, so I can take care of you post-cry." Soonyoung giggles a little at his new word invention, wiping the new tears from Jihoon’s face. He smiles with trembling lips and agrees to stay with a nod.
"Aha! So those clothes you left when you stayed during our all nighter finally come in handy!" Soonyoung grinned, fishing them out from his cupboard. He held the clothes out in victory, to which Jihoon chuckled through a sniffle as he watched this dorky guy smiling proudly across the room. Next thing he knew, that dork was sweeping all of Jihoon into the shower in a blur.
•••
Later that night, a freshly showered Soonyoung and Jihoon were tucked under the covers. With wintery weather starting to come in, Soonyoung ditched the cooling option for the fan one on the air conditioning. After swimming in the serene silence, Soonyoung broke through the surface, "Hoonie, will you let me cuddle you? I'd like to make you feel safe and warm." Jihoon audibly sighed, "This is embarrassing... but, yes please." Soonyoung smiles under the barely-there moonlight coming through the edges of blinds, "Nothing embarrassing about asking for love; Come here."
Pressed against Soonyoung, Jihoon closed his eyes. The other's hand around his waist felt more comfortable and natural than he thought it would be. Soonyoung just felt so nice and Jihoon could finally peacefully sleep through one night. But Soonyoung had other plans.
"Ji, can I tell you something?" He hummed, not seeing Soonyoung bite his lip. “I’m really sorry if I came off weird just now. It pained me to hear about this because I just couldn’t fathom how one’s parents can almost actively resist praising their child.” Jihoon mumbled into his chest, “I’d like to know too.” Soonyoung’s fingers gently massaged Jihoon’s scalp, trying to ease tension. The motion was making Jihoon quite sleepy. “You're everything and more, Lee Jihoon. hope one day I can help you recognise your own worth."
With his consciousness almost slipping, Jihoon could still scoff and speak drunkenly, "I can’t be everything, Kwon Soonyoung. That’s impossible."
Soonyoung’s other hand found Jihoon’s laying on his chest and he gently linked their fingers. His thumb rubbed circles onto the back of Jihoon’s palm, as if finding courage in the touch of someone he loved. "You are everything. To me."
Unfortunately Soonyoung had yet to adjust his eyes to the low light of the room or he would’ve seen Jihoon smile radiantly if he just looked. The squeeze in his hand told him though, that Jihoon felt something. He hummed questioningly, voice still stuck in the limbo between sleep and awake, “Hm? What are you saying, Kwon Soonyoung?” The accused chuckled softly, releasing their locked hands to Jihoon’s silent dismay. Instead, that hand snaked around his waist to pull him in even closer than before. Everything felt like a dream.
Especially when Soonyoung turned a little to face more toward Jihoon and whispered into the night like a little secret just between the two of them, meant to be dissolved in the atmosphere. “I have feelings for you, Lee Jihoon. I… I want to be yours, if you’ll also be mine.”
The question hung in the air for a bit, for Jihoon’s hazy mind to comprehend it all. Soonyoung let him ruminate, let him process, let him hum and stall. Before his eyes cracked open and they finally looked at each other, even within that damn darkness. “Are you playing tricks with me?” Soonyoung sighed, “Not at all, or I wouldn’t be sharing my room, sharing my bed, sharing my blankets, and holding you like this.”
“You want me, Kwon Soonyoung? What made you so brave to say these words? How would you know if I want you?”
“Well, because I know enough to be confident that you wouldn’t be here like this if you didn’t.” Checkmate. Jihoon softly scoffed with hidden adoration as Soonyoung continued. “I know how to get to you, Jihoon. If you’d let me, I want to be the one to help you love yourself- by showing you that you’re allowed to be loved.” Soonyoung’s free hand softly caressed Jihoon’s cheek (slightly missing it the first time he tried, making them both giggle as Soonyoung lightly hit Jihoon’s ear with his knuckles).
“You’re really persistent, huh?”
“I personally think that’s a strength.”
Jihoon was too tired to laugh fully but a sounded came out of him anyway. What else could he do but let himself go? “You win. You were right; I do want you. Too. Maybe I knew it the moment you picked me up for classes. Maybe there really was a meaning to how you always ended up in my assignments-”
Soonyoung interrupted, “You submitted- You wrote about me for a grade? What’d you get?” Jihoon paused before admitting to receiving A’s. Soonyoung chuckled, “Didn’t even need to ask, really. Please continue your monologue, my prince.” Jihoon cursed him out in his mind, trying not to start stuttering from shock. “I was just saying that there was always something about you that felt weird but maybe it was just it,” he hesitated before putting his arms around Soonyoung and breathing in his warmth and comfort. “Maybe it was love.”
Soonyoung felt giddy, "I fucking love you, Jihoon. You deserve all of it. I hope that I can make you happy. I promise to tell you only pretty things because you deserve to feel special.” Jihoon happily hummed, the vibrations travelling through to Soonyoung. Relief and true happiness flooded Jihoon’s exhausted body, his mind prepared to sleep half a day away with Soonyoung. It has always been him, Jihoon thought. Ever since they met, Soonyoung had been nothing but kind to him and lifted him in a way no one else had done. He was someone special for sure, someone he wanted to be around every day. Jihoon could not be more happy but his lack of energy and the time of day betrayed his ability to convey these emotions more outwardly. He was sure Soonyoung could feel it, though. He always found a way to know Jihoon better than the boy himself.
“Good night, Jihoonie.” Soonyoung’s eyes closed.
Maybe this was it. Maybe this was Jihoon’s happy ending. Finally, he could let himself breathe and let go of these expectations that did nothing but bind him and compact him into a someone he hated. Soonyoung could be the spell to break these wicked bonds of his.
“I love you too, Soonie. Thank you for saving my life.”