Chapter Text
The flat was clumsily lit, with a big, garish lamp flickering in the corner and fairy lights adorning the wall. Remus had been given it when his last grandparent died. He'd offered to give it to the charity shop nearest their flat but had been met with surprising opposition from Sirius; it now sat out of place, too grey for their sitting room.
Sirius had declared the night a party in honour of Remus scoring a job with his exclusive history professor. Remus had been hesitant to tell him, afraid to further the distance between their academic paths. Sirius' bartending, albeit in 'the oldest pub in Glasgow,' was loud, and unfriendly. Remus, quietly and ashamedly, avoided it as much as he could.
"Oi, Moony, do you think I can fit this whole candle in my mouth?"
Remus squinted. "You're aiming very low. Of course you can fit that candle in your mouth." He leant over and put one hand just beyond Sirius' shoulder as he took the candle out of his hands.
Sirius looked up. His eyes were hazy and clouded, and his lips were slightly open, his face a picture of confusion. "Why'd you do that?"
"It'd be silly to put it in your mouth, Pads."
Sirius had lost interest already. His head was already somewhere else. As he stepped off the sofa, Remus wondered vaguely if he should move the alcohol, but he worried he would look smothering. He turned back to Lily and gave her a terse smile.
Lily bit her lip and gave Sirius a tense look. She unclasped her hands from Remus' and started fixing her hair. Remus sighed.
"I think he's overexcited," he offered, feeling obligated to provide some sort of defence. And Sirius was overexcited, he thought. He'd been looking forward to this for days. Any excuse to celebrate, whatever arose first - in this case, Remus' job - and he'd jump at the opportunity.
Lily leant her head forward and furrowed her brow. "Does he not get enough of that working at the pub?". "I do worry. James says, whenever they talk, that Sirius seems so much sadder." Her expression sagged. "Do you think he is? Sadder, I mean?"
Remus followed her gaze. Sirius was laughing at something Peter was saying, his arms on his head, balancing a book on it. His hair was tied up in a loose bun, wispy and elegant, despite his clear lack of control.
His eyes were murky and far away. Remus looked away.
"He's always been sad," he said, shortly.
Lily's eyes were wide with concern. "Yeah."
"Moony. Moony, Moony, Moony." Sirius' voice was rushed. He was holding both of Remus' shoulders in his hands.
"Yeah?"
He leant forwards, conspiratorially, and then fell back onto the sofa. He sat back up again with a lazy grin.
Carefully, Remus said, “Do you think it's time to go to bed, pads?”
"Remus. Remus, the party hasn't even started!"
Remus looked around at the room. Lily was curled on the sofa with a glass of water, but apart from her, it looked the same as always. "Hopefully," he said, "The party won't start. It's just us five."
"Shall I invite more people then, do you think?"
"No," Remus said, "It's perfect as it is. Let's not have a big party."
Sirius' eyes were slightly crazed. He pulled out his phone and held it high in the air. "I can, easy-peasy-breezy, I could probably get Ma-"
"Pads, don't be silly." Remus' voice was matter-of-fact and soft. It seemed that Sirius was so frequently manic and dissatisfied, more drunk and in less control, more resistant to reason, less himself. He wondered if it was their living together that was pushing him over the edge, but hadn't said anything, worried he was right.
Sirius scowled. He curled his body up into the sofa. “You’re such a prick, Remus. ‘Don’t be stupid, Sirius, do this.’ I don’t want to do that, Remus. Remus, Remus, Remus.”
Remus scrunched his face up. He looked at Sirius' hands as they unpicked the corner of the sofa. His fingers were long and elegant but his nails were jagged and bitten.
He sighed. "Thought this was my party, Sirius. You're being a prick."
"I don't even know why you got this job in the first place."
"Why does anyone get a job?"
"No, but you said it yourself that Mallory's an arse. And now you're working for him. I don't know why you did that."
Remus shrugged. "He's my professor. Seemed like common sense."
“Oh, so to get out this house, then? So you’d spend even less time around? Avoidant bastard," Sirius said, half sarcastically. "If you wanna get a place by yourself, if you want to share with someone else, you should have just said so-“
Remus stood up. To Lily, he said, “I am just going to get him to bed now." “I think James and Pete are in the garden, if you want to go find them.” He offered her an apologetic smile. “Come on, Sirius. That’s enough shouting now. Off we go.”
Sirius sat down on the sofa. His grey eyes looked lost and overtired. He
looked like a child.
Remus wanted to give him a hug, but he wasn’t drunk enough to imitate James’ thoughtless affection. He wished James was here in the kitchen and not in the garden with Pete. Remus often thought he'd considered the solution in the same breath as he considered disaster, and could never tell them apart except in hindsight. James, he thought self-pityingly, didn't have this problem.
"Come on, Pads," he repeated, weakly.
Sirius' bedroom was all dark colours. Dark walls, dark bed, dark pictures. The sky was very dark outside. Remus switched on the lamp.
Sirius walked over to the bed and pressed himself on top of it. He lay there for a few minutes, before rolling over and staring at the ceiling.
"My breath stinks," he announced. "Why did James and Peter go outside?"
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Because, if I remember correctly, you said to them, 'You go outside I want to grab a beer but then I'll join you,' and then fell asleep on the sofa."
Sirius grunted. "I'm going to brush my teeth."
"You do that."
"Stay here."
"Yup."
Sirius sat up on the bed and then moved to the bathroom. He walked out, holding two toothbrushes, handing Remus one, who took it, wordlessly. Sirius held the toothpaste tube and painstakingly applied it to both of them, stuck his in his mouth and started brushing.
"I've already wet yours," Sirius said, with a mouth full of toothpaste.
"Thanks."
They brushed their teeth in silence. He'd bought Remus an expensive toothbrush for Christmas the year before, enthusing about the importance of dental hygiene. He'd bought them for them all - varying colours, but only the finest electric toothbrushes for his friends. Remus preferred it to some of Sirius' other gifts - they were always splashy, but this one you could use. Along with the toothbrush, he'd bought Remus a glass sculpture of the moon that he'd declared 'ethically made' proudly. It had been living on top of his wardrobe, untouched and almost entirely unregarded, for months now. Remus thought it was garish and ugly, and was sure Sirius must too.
Maybe it was a joke, or maybe he thought Remus would like it. Remus spat out his toothpaste almost aggressively at the thought.
Remus looked out the window as Sirius put on his pyjamas. He wondered if Lily, James and Peter were still outside or if they'd decided to go home, assuming that the party had ended. He wondered if it would be Sirius' fault if they had left. He wondered if he wanted them to be there when he got out. He turned back to Sirius, who was struggling with getting his arm through the sleeve of his pyjama top. He watched him flounder on the bed, wondering vaguely if he was allowed to walk over and help before Sirius fixed it himself.
"Right," He said, "I'm going to get you a glass of water."
"Oh," Sirius cut in, "I can do it-"
"No bother. You're in bed." He left the room quickly and walked over to the sink in the kitchen. He chose the biggest glass and filled it to the brim. He walked to the window to see if the garden was empty; it was. He imagined Lily describing the situation to them - '"Remus had to walk Sirius to bed because he got a bit out of control."' He imagined James and Peter nodding, understanding, thinking, 'Of course Remus let him get out of control and now doesn't know what to do with him,'. He straightened his back and took the glass back to the bedroom, walking slowly to make sure it didn't spill. He pushed the door open with his shoulder and walked to the bed, then took a sip and handed it to Sirius.
"Cheers," He took it from him and drank it in three loud gulps.
Remus reached for the glass as soon as he finished. "Do you want another one?"
Sirius looked stricken and sober. He shook his head. "I'm fantastic."
Remus looked pained. His limbs were long and he held them awkwardly, cup in one hand. He wasn't sure what else to offer.
Sirus shuffled himself in the bed and turned the light off. At once, the pressure dissipated. "D'you want to hear a joke?"
"Go wild." Remus sat cross-legged on Sirius' bed.
"What did the pig," Sirius said slowly, stressing each syllable, "Say on the very hot day?"
Remus smiled into the dark. "I don't know. What did the pig say on the very hot day, Sirius?"
"The pig said, 'Oh Wow, would you look at that, look at the weather! I can't even look over there without the sun making my eyes fall out. Why,' the pig said, ' I can't stand this. I'm bacon.'"
Remus could hear Sirius' arms move as he spoke and had to put his hands over his head at the intimacy of it. He leant back on the header of the bed and let Sirius ease his head on his lap. He turned over and rocked back and forth, slowly, then turned back. His eyes were wet. "My brother told me that joke, when I was 15. I borrowed a joke book from James, 'cause I was rebelling, some of them were uncouth. Reg picked it up when we were in my room. He said it so deadfaced, it was the fucking funniest thing."
He was quiet for a bit, picking at a scab on Remus' arm. "A few weeks later, for his birthday, his fourteenth, this big party, they were awful, but he liked it, you know. I was so," He moved his face so that he was speaking into the crook of Remus' arm. "I said some mean things. I guess he got sick of it." He started to cry; Remus could feel it on his arm. "I remember, he said to me, 'Sirius, you think you're better than Mum and Dad but you're just as mean,' and I lost it. Do you remember, how crazy I used to go? With James and you, but it was so much worse with Reggie. We never said things that weren't mean."
Remus rested his hand on Sirius' back. He listened to his breathing as it slowed down and evened out. He did remember the way Sirius used to go crazy, but he had never minded; rather, he had never seen it as Sirius' fault, just a part of the burden of having his parents. And besides, Sirius still went crazy now, he was just more private about it.