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Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six…
God, her eyes are heavy. She’s taken to counting the number of steps from where the taxi has dropped her to the door of the hotel room to stay awake.
Ona finally manages to get her key in the lock, following the string of muttered curses she just dropped after failing the first four attempts. She’s simultaneously hungover and still mildly tipsy from dinner, but she’s on vacation in Santorini of all places, so to hell with it. She makes a beeline to the bathroom, needing a shower more than just about anything right now. She’s halfway through stripping off when she pauses at the ping of a text, a smile fighting its way onto her face at the image she’s received.
Lucy: Big night ahead. Wish you were here x
The image attached is Lucy and Mariona’s grinning faces, gold medals front and centre around their necks and cheeks streaked with Blaugrana.
Ona had reached out earlier to congratulate her as soon as the game ended (she had insisted on making her friends watch it with her. “It’s the final of the Champions League, who cares if we’re on holiday?”) with a text of her own.
Congratulations cariño. I am very proud of you, you deserve this. Do you really need 4 though? x
Lucy’s reply had come less than five minutes after Barcelona had finally left the pitch. Number 5 next year with you xx
Ona’s heart had warmed at that. Granted, they’d only been an official couple for a few weeks now after meeting officially at their mutual friend’s wedding almost six months prior in December, but they’d barely gone a day without speaking since. And now, they finally had an end date to the distance in sight. Only a few months (and the biggest tournament of their lives) away, and they’d be at the same club, in Ona’s home city together.
She heart reacts Lucy’s message, shooting back a quick text while the water heats up.
Ona: Guapas x Have a great night. Stay safe. I’m just getting in the shower now for an early night x
Lucy: Tease :( x
Ona giggles at the reply - Lucy’s no better than a teenage boy at times - before setting her phone aside.
Once she’s showered, hair wrapped up in a towel, she curls up on the fresh sheets of her hotel bed, phone in hand ready for her guilty pleasure - TikTok. She hasn’t posted in years, but a little lurking never hurt anybody.
She gets the occasional football content, because of course she does, and it’s bittersweet seeing the content from the post-game celebrations come in. Most of the team are her teammates for the national team, most of them she’s known for years, and several she’s grown up with, rising through La Masia and the Barça B team with the likes of Aitana, Patri and Jana. She’s ecstatic for her friends, but a part of her is wistful, wishing she was there alongside them.
Next season, she reminds herself. She’d been over the moon when she was informed that Barcelona wanted her back, and now that the contract was practically signed, only formalities remaining, she allows herself to feel the excitement creep in, the pride of playing for her childhood club, her colours.
She’s scrolling absentmindedly at this point, but instinctively pauses when she sees Lucy’s face on the screen. The caption, “Lucy and Keira” accompanied by an excessive amount of heart eye emojis, has her heart rate quickening, though she’s unsure why.
The video is a clip of Keira’s post-game interview - Lucy walks past, coming to stand next to the other Englishwoman, and she stays there, gazing and watching Keira answer the remaining questions.
The video has a frankly insane quantity of likes and comments.
Ona feels the nausea swirl in her stomach. She knows it’s a bad idea, one that will likely send her spiralling, but she’s opening the comment section before she can stop herself anyway.
She realises she’s messed up almost immediately. There are more comments than she can count losing their minds over the video, and with everyone she reads she’s regretting her decision more.
“I have never seen Lucy look like that at anyone before.”
“wonze 🥹”
“they’re soulmates fr.”
“lucy is so in love it’s so obvious lol”
It’s only once the tangy, metallic taste registers in her mouth that she realises she’s been biting her lip so hard she’s drawn blood. She locks her phone, tossing it on the bed beside her, and takes a deep, shaky breath.
“You’re being dramatic,” she says out loud. As if verbally chastising herself will fix the problem.
You’re just barely a couple. You don’t have the right to be jealous. Don’t act crazy. She’s trying desperately to convince herself that it means nothing, that she’s overreacting - she probably is. She knew what she was signing up for when she and Lucy pursued things; she knew Lucy had spent years sharing a life with Keira - they still shared parts of their lives, their dog and their workplace. They trained together every day at Barcelona, lived in the same neighbourhood, shared custody of their pet, went to England camps and international tournaments together. Their lives were irreversibly intertwined - Ona knew that getting into this. But that doesn’t stop the bitter taste in her mouth.
It has nothing to do with Keira, or Lucy for that matter. Lucy hasn’t given her any reason to doubt her - she’s been faultless, more loyal than most people would be considering they’ve spent the entire five months they’ve been seeing each other long distance. Keira, by all accounts, is lovely. She’s funny, with a classic dry English sense of humour, witty, kind and a world-class footballer. Everyone at Barcelona loves her, Aitana says. Maybe that rubs salt in the wound. Or maybe it’s the fans - most are under the impression Lucy and Keira are still a couple, even though both women have moved on and are in new relationships. But still, every time one woman posts, there are almost certainly going to be comments asking where the other is. They’ll still be tagged in fan pages on Instagram, there’s still going to be edits posted online every day, people raving about how in love they are.
She flicks on the television, scrolling through Netflix mindlessly seeking something to take her mind off her insecurities, and when she sees her phone light up with Lucy’s name, she can’t bring herself to answer it.
It’s almost twenty-four hours later when she finally gets back to Lucy. Maybe she’s being immature, pulling away instead of communicating, but she can’t bring herself to admit she’s jealous. What if she brings it up, and Lucy admits she’s actually still in love with Keira, and all of this with Ona was a mistake? What if Lucy thinks she’s being ridiculous or controlling and wants to end things anyway?
You’re being stupid, she tells herself firmly. But the thoughts are there regardless.
Ona: Sorry, had a big sleep last night and a busy day today. Did you have fun last night?
Lucy’s reply is almost immediate.
Lucy: That’s okay baby, thanks for letting me know. Yeah it was good - missed you though x
They exchange a few texts - Ona makes up an excuse when Lucy asks if she can call her later, something about an early flight back to England tomorrow. She is flying back to Manchester tomorrow, the last preparations of her move back home underway, but not until the afternoon. Lucy doesn’t need to know that.
It remains unspoken for several more days after that. Lucy reaches out, and Ona tries to keep her distance without completely ghosting her girlfriend. She hates herself for it, but she convinces herself that she's not actually avoiding Lucy, she just really is too busy packing up her remaining belongings.
Now that there are only the large pieces of furniture left, sofa and bed, Ona has thrown herself onto the lounge five days after the final, dressed in an old United hoodie and pyjama shorts, YouTube open on the laptop in front of her, when there’s a knock at her door.
What’s Millie left here now, she rolls her eyes. She loves the girl, really, but -
“Lucy?”
The woman at her door is a different English defender than the one she was expecting. Lucy’s standing in the doorway, dressed in a white shirt and loose-fitted light blue jeans. Her hair is pulled back into a low bun with the glasses that Ona loves so much on her face and Ona forgets that she’s meant to be keeping her distance, throwing herself into Lucy’s arms without a second thought.
“Hi,” Lucy mumbles into the side of Ona’s head, arms wrapping around her waist like they never left. “Can I come in?”
Ona pulls back in shock, still not quite sure she’s not hallucinating. “Yes, of course, there’s - shit, sorry, I’m pretty much completely packed up here.”
She closes the front door behind Lucy, and when she turns around, the older woman is looking at her looking as unsure as Ona’s ever seen her. Her gut twists - has Lucy noticed she’s been acting strange? She had to have, fuck. She’s messed up.
“What are you doing here?” Ona asks, cringing immediately at the bluntness of the question.
“Missed you,” Lucy replies simply. “I wanted to see you. Is everything okay?”
Ona nods, but Lucy must see how stiff it is, and how much Ona feels like she wants to cry, and she steps forward to wrap her in another hug. Ona buries her face in Lucy’s shoulder and thinks, I don’t want to let go, but Lucy can clearly feel how tense her body still is, pulling away herself.
“I’m sorry,” Ona starts. There’s a guilty swallow, and Lucy is watching her carefully as she continues. “I know I haven’t been the best at talking with you the past few days.”
“Yeah,” Lucy says nervously. “I kinda got that. I wanted to ask you, I just -“
She pauses, chewing on her lip anxiously. Ona isn’t used to this. She’s used to her confident Lucy, flirty and borderline cocky Lucy. Kind and loving and reassuring Lucy. This Lucy is reminiscent of the one she’s only heard about in stories, the younger, shy, unsure kid Lucy.
“I noticed, you’ve pulled back a bit,” she prods. “And I just wanna know why, I guess. Is something going on, is there something I can help you with? I want to be there for you but I’m not sure if it’s something I did or -“
“No,” Ona interrupts, feeling the guilt rise at the confusion on Lucy’s face. “You haven’t done anything wrong, I just - I saw something, and it made me think and I think I thought too much and now I’m not sure how to tell you about it.”
Lucy looks even more confused now, and Ona’s never understood the phrase “tugging on the heartstrings” until now.
“I just, I know this, us, is new, but I thought it’s been going so well and I don’t know,” Lucy continues. “I just thought maybe you don’t - maybe you didn’t want this anymore?”
Maybe she’s being dramatic, but Ona swears she can hear her own heart break when Lucy’s voice audibly cracks on the last word. Her body is in motion before her brain has even caught up, throwing herself forward, wrapping her arms around Lucy and squeezing tight.
“No,” Ona says fiercely, trying to portray how badly Ona does want this, wants her, in that one word. “Of course I want this, Lucy. I’m sorry, I’ve been so stupid. Can we sit, I’ll explain everything, just - just hear me out, okay?”
When Lucy hums a muffled agreement into her hair, Ona pulls away and guides Lucy to the sofa, sitting cross-legged facing her.
“I saw a video.” Her voice is quiet, barely rising above a whisper. “Of you. And Keira.”
She brings her eyes up just enough to see a flash of understanding cross Lucy’s face, but she doesn’t allow her to interject, choosing instead to clarify immediately. “It’s not exactly the video, it’s more - I don’t want to sound stupid.”
“You won’t,” Lucy replies gently. “I could never think you’re stupid, Ona.”
The guilt twists in her chest further. Lucy is so kind, even now when she thinks Ona doesn’t want her anymore. As if Ona could never not want her.
“It was a video of Keira doing an interview - and you were there.” Lucy grimaces, and Ona figures she knows what she’s referring to. The clip has been gushed over on so many social media platforms she’d been surprised if she hadn’t seen it. “And I don’t know if it was the video as much it was everything surrounding it. It seemed like everyone was saying how in love you looked with her, and how you two are meant to be, and I just thought - it just made me overthink, that’s all.”
Lucy’s watching her carefully, so she takes it as a sign to resume her speech.
“I know that you and Keira have history. A long one, one that I can’t compare to -“
She holds up a finger when Lucy opens her mouth to argue.
“And I’m okay with that, really. I knew that when I pursued you. It’s not your fault you work with her, and of course you two are still apart of each others lives after so long together, and Keira seems lovely so I can’t blame anybody for wanting to be around her, but it’s just that. I guess, when I saw all those comments, I wondered if I could ever live up to her, to your relationship. Not even just with the fans, but with your friends, your family. Am I always going to be the new girlfriend? I don't blame you if you don't believe me, but I’ve never been a jealous person before - so this is not familiar. I guess I just let everyone get in my head and thought it would be easier to push you away a little bit - I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair of me, not when you’ve never given me a reason to not trust you.”
Lucy is quiet for a short while, her face unreadable. Ona has gotten to know her quite well over the last half a year, even through FaceTime, but she’s struggling to predict what is running through Lucy’s mind at the moment.
“Are you angry?” Ona asks, resigning herself to the fact that the answer will be a yes.
“I won’t lie - a little bit.”
Her stomach drops.
“But not at you.”
Her eyebrows furrow, looking up at Lucy quizzically.
“I’m pissed off at everyone else,” Lucy explains. “I’m angry at all these people who think they know my life, who think they know how I feel. I know they don’t mean any harm, and I know they don’t know about us, but I’m angry at them for hurting you anyway. Of course, I wish this didn’t affect you - but that’s only because I never want to see you like this, not because I think it’s wrong of you to feel that way.”
Lucy takes a breath, and Ona can practically see the cogs in her brain turning, trying to put the words together.
“I know the video looks bad. But I can honestly say it was nothing like what they’re making it out to be. I remember what I was thinking, and it wasn’t love. I was proud of her, of course - it’s her first big title and I admire her enough as a footballer to appreciate that she deserves it. But apart from that, I was just waiting for my turn to be interviewed, feeling a bit weird about being in front of the cameras because I know any interaction I have with her will be scrutinised, and maybe praying that they didn’t ask me anything in Spanish - “
Lucy’s body relaxes just a fraction when the attempt at making Ona smile is successful.
“It is a bit shit, to be honest.”
“Hey!” Lucy feigns offence at the teasing remark, and just like that, the tension breaks. But Lucy isn’t done reassuring her just yet.
“I need you to know how much I care about you Ona, seriously. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I only had to spend ninety minutes in the same proximity as your ex and I had to resist trying to break her ankles every tackle because I knew she’d had you before. But me and Keira, we’ve both moved on. She’s happy with Laura and I’m more than happy with you. We’re friends, we’re happy for each other, but there’s nothing there anymore. It’s only you for me.”
Lucy seems to hesitate before adding, “Ask any of the Barça girls. I get the piss taken out of me almost daily for smiling like an idiot at my phone every time I see you’ve texted me - Mapi threw a boot at my head the other week for accidentally ignoring Ingrid because I was too busy looking at the photo you sent me.”
Ona snorts at that, a little concerned about how easily she can picture that action from the Spanish centre back.
“It’s not just you if it helps,” she says to Lucy sheepishly. “Zel had to remove my phone from the last team movie night because I couldn’t tear myself away from you.”
Lucy’s head tilts to rest on the arm she has resting on the back of the couch, tender smile dancing on her lips. “I love that you’re friends with so many of my mates. Not surprising, everyone that meets you has to love you. But it’s special - makes me feel like we were meant to meet, like this was meant to happen. Think Staniforth might like you more than me to be honest, and we’ve known each other since we were twelve.”
“I feel like that too. The part about being meant to meet you, not Lucy liking me better - although that’s true too - hey!” she laughs as Lucy reaches out to pinch her waist. She takes the opportunity to grab Lucy’s hand, sliding her fingers between Lucy’s and squeezing.
“See?” Lucy points out. “I know you’re worried about how you fit into my life after I was with someone else for so long, but you already have, Ona. You’ve played with half my England teammates for three years, they’ve spoken to me about how much they adore you. Tooney and Less raved on about how lucky I was to have you, Zel gave me the talk threatening to kill me if I hurt you. Staniforth is one of my oldest friends and she’s the one who pushed me to talk to you because she knew how good you would be for me. My family hasn’t shut up asking about when they get to meet you, because they’ve seen me get that spark back, seen how happy I’ve been lately, and they know it’s thanks to you. I know it’s early days, and I don’t want to scare you off, but you’re special, yeah? This is special. I know it already.”
Ona’s desperately fighting back tears, trying to swallow the lump in her throat - she’s embarrassed herself enough today - so she settles on squeezing Lucy’s hand firmly again.
“Thank you, Lucy. Really. I’m not very good with words, at least not in English, but I feel the same way.”
“Don’t thank me,” Lucy replies swiftly. “Just let me know if you feel like this again, yeah? We’re in this together now - the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanna know how you’re feeling, I wanna be able to be there for you, okay?”
“I will,” Ona nods firmly. “Promise.”
“Good. Now come ‘ere, please. Missed you and I need a proper cuddle.”
Lucy’s practically dragging her into her lap before Ona gets the chance to move herself, but she lets herself be manoeuvred willingly, curling up in Lucy’s lap and promptly burying her face in her neck. Lucy's hand creeps up her hoodie, hand rubbing small circles on the bare skin of her lower back.
“Te eché de menos,” Ona breathes, wrapping her arms impossibly tighter around the older woman.
“Sorry love, dunno what that means,” Lucy teases. “My Spanish is a bit shit.”
Ona grins into Lucy’s shoulder - she asked for that. “I was only joking, by the way. You are actually getting a lot better.”
Lucy hums, “Gotta be ready to impress when I meet your family, don’t I?”
Ona smirks. “We better work on your Catalan then, shouldn’t we?” and tries not to burst out laughing at the way Lucy’s face visibly pales.
She decides then that she’s had enough of not kissing her gorgeous girlfriend whose lap she’s currently sat in, so she leans in, and her heart flutters ridiculously when Lucy sighs happily into her mouth.
Yeah, she thinks. We’ll be alright.